When our daughter Anna was three years old she began to exhibit symptoms of bi-polar disorder. For the next couple of years our home became a battlefield. The most obvious and outward symptom was what we called her "episodes of rage." At first they looked like temper tantrums. But then they began to increase in frequency and intensity.
As her mother, I was her primary caregiver which translates into being the recipient and target for her "rage." She would hit me, kick me (often in the back when I would turn around during one of her episodes), spit in my face, pull my hair, scream at me (fortunately her vocabulary was very limited), throw whatever was at hand at me, and otherwise vent her rage onto me. She would completely lose control and I could see that she was unable to stop herself or control herself. I could never figure out what I was doing to trigger her. Like most moms do, I blamed myself. After all, I had majored in Early Childhood Development. I was supposed to know how to handle pre-schoolers! It seemed that she would save these episodes just for me. Even my husband didn't think they were "that bad." He was rarely there to witness them and I felt even more guilt for not being able to control her. The loneliness I felt was acute.
After these episodes, she would become very remorseful for her actions. She would run to me in deep sorrow for hurting me and I would have to lay aside the pain of her abuse to love on her and comfort her. To be honest, that was sometimes really hard to do. It did help that she was only 3-4 years old and that she simply did not have the ability to control the strong emotions that would possess her.
One day, in her room, she was in the middle of one of these episodes. I made the mistake of turning around to do something (I don't know what) when she threw an item at me. She was only a few feet away. She missed. I believe God deflected it. When I saw what it was she had thrown I realized that had it hit me, it would have done so in the middle of my back and would most likely have caused a serious injury to me. It was at that point that I realized that there was something going on here way beyond a normal childhood tantrum.
We got the help we needed. Healing came for her (she has been officially cleared of bipolar syndrome) and for me. The joy I have now in my daughter exceeds in abundance any pain caused during that time.
I don't spend much time thinking about those years. We've moved on. However, last week, I read a poem written by a friend that I have made through Facebook. Guy came to me and said "You've got to read this poem." I dutifully came into his study to read while he went to get a cup of coffee. By the time he came back I had finished reading the poem and was weeping.
The poem is called "Broken Pieces" and it's written by my friend Donna Carter who wrote about her teenaged daughter. Donna has been exceptionally gifted with the ability to use words to express things of the heart. This poem captures what was in my heart those dark years better than anything I could ever write. I was taken by surprise at how strongly the pain of those years still is. I think that any parent can relate to some degree with the emotions evoked in this poem regardless of the age of their child. Enjoy.
All those years of training up her child...
Were they totally wasted?
Where did she go wrong?
Self-incrimination,
trying to shoulder a blame
that really is not hers:
A mother's heart breaks
into a million tiny fragments,
each one a cutting-sharp edge
of anguish that cannot be assuaged.
Invisible slivers that cannot be found
to be removed.
"I HURT!" she first feels
and those feelings push outward, distraught.
"YOU HURT ME!"
her thoughts direct at her grown child
and instinctively, she tries to shut off
the source of the pain.
But even that hurts
and feels utterly wrong
because the source is her child
whom she deeply loves.
She cannot shut off her child.
But surely she cannot remain
flayed so open so vulnerably?
Guilt...
Again.
What does it matter?
she tells herself,
feeling utterly at a loss.
To love
is to remain vulnerable
To cut off the source
stops the debilitating pain
The choice
is as difficult as the situation itself.
The solution
is a painful as the problem.
It all feels wrong
There is no out!
The shards of brokenness
seem to fly around
in a hurricane of turmoil
constantly stabbing,
slicing everywhere
even -especially- where tenderness is exposed.
The whirlwind slows
and the pieces fall to the ground
LOVE!
I WILL LOVE!
Tearfully, she kneels
and gathers the shards of her heart into a pile,
slivers piercing her hands
LOVE!
I WILL LOVE!
She insists despite the dust
that gathers with the fragments
and mixes with the glass
and the blood
LOVE!
I WILL LOVE!
Oh God!!
I WILL LOVE! I WILL LOVE!
Her tears fall in painful desperation
as she tries to piece her heart back together.
Please...
I cannot not love!
I WILL LOVE! I WILL LOVE! I WILL LOVE!
The blood, the tears, the glass, the dust...
Her hands cover her face
and she folds in half,
crying.
please God...
I will love.
It doesn't matter how much it hurts.
I will love.
No matter what she chooses.
I will love.
Regardless of the cost
I will love.
I will not interfere
I will not interfere
The choices are hers
The consequences are hers as well.
I will love.
I just finished reading "Captivating" by Stasi and John Eldridge. It's a book I bought last summer in the bargain bin at a Christian Book Store. I have to say that this is absolutely the best book on women I have ever read! It has taken me a while to get through it because I would read a few pages, put it down, weep, and then consider what was being said. To tell you the truth, I'm a little tired of books that just tell me to submit to my husband and my marriage will be better. Not true. One must submit to God first. And that is what this book is about. It is about the woman God created. It's about her heart. It's about being beautiful. It's about being pursued by Love. It's about finding your true self in the holy uncreated one.
At the beginning of the book I loved that the authors write, "She is the crescendo, the final, astonishing work of God. Woman. In one last flourish creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve." She is the "finishing touch," the "piece de resistance," the "crowning jewel." I love the idea that beauty is essential to God. One can certainly see that in nature, but woman encapsulates beauty unlike anything else.
An idea that was totally new to me (at least I never really saw things this way) is that God yearns for me. I know He loves me, but to yearn for me? I never thought of God in that way. They share that "the vast desire and capacity a woman has for intimate relationships tells us of God's vast desire and capacity for intimate relationships." And He wants that with us.
One of my favorite chapters is the one called "A Special Hatred." For me, it answers the question of why women, throughout the history of mankind, have been so severely abused and mistreated.
"Women have endured what seems to be a special hatred ever since we left Eden....the assault on femininity--its long history, its utter viciousness--cannot be understood apart from the spiritual forces of evil we are warned against in the Scriptures." Ezekiel 28:12 describes Lucifer saying "You were the model of perfection, full of wisdom and perfect in beauty." "Perfect in beauty. That is the key....pride entered Lucifer's heart....Satan fell because of his beauty. Now his heart for revenge is to assault beauty....he wreaks destruction on the glory of God in the earth...but most especially, he hates Eve....she is the incarnation of the Beauty of God.....he hates Eve because she gives life...women nourish life....Satan..brings death....Satan goes after Eve....history removes any doubt about this."
This explains so much to me. Knowing this has empowered me to recognize the enemy when he shoots his darts at me.
After recognizing the wounds inflicted, the authors then spend time discussing restoration and healing in a chapter that offers new life. I really loved their translation/interpretation of Psalm 61:1-3.
God has sent me on a mission.
I have some great news for you.
God has sent me to restore and release something,
And that something is you.
I am here to give you back your heart and set you free.
I am furious at the enemy who did this to you, and I will fight
against him.
Let me comfort you.
For, dear one, I will bestow beauty upon you where you have known only devastation.
Joy, in the places of your deep sorrow.
And I will robe your heart in thankful praise
in exchange for your resignation and despair.
I loved this book for what is did for me, for what it did to my relationship to God. There is so much encouragement and truth here. I am a better person for having read it.
God continues to nudge me and gently show me my need to make fasting a part of my life. I was so moved by that video of the Haitians who fasted and prayed for three days as a nation. I decided that I will begin this week to make fasting a part of my life and to see what happens.
On the Home Front
We had a pretty ordinary week. Our co-worker, Barbara, came to lunch on Friday before she left for the States that night. We had fish, rice, salad, and a vegetable casserole. The recipe for the vegetable casserole was one I've had for years, but never tried. It was quite good. It's basically just a white sauce with cream cheese added, mixed with vegetables of choice, with a layer of Parmesan cheese on top and baked for half an hour. I was going to use cauliflower and carrots but realized I didn't buy any cauliflower at the store! So I used broccoli and carrots.
This was the second week of the Olympics which meant more late nights. I watched the Ice Dance and Ladies Figure skating competitions. They were both really good competitions.
In the School Room
Two months ago I typed out my lessons plans for 6 weeks. It's been so nice to have that done for each class. Each Friday I would pull that week's plans for the following week. However, I didn't realize how much time had gone by and when I pulled last weeks sheet for this week there was nothing there! So we winged it all week. Truth is, we didn't get a whole lot done, but we got enough done that we aren't real behind either. With the extra work I had this week around the house I did not get much done on the next batch of lesson plans. Anna will be at camp this week so I have absolutely no excuse for not getting it done this week! My goal is to do up all my lessons plans for the rest of the school year. I hope to finish mid May- about 10 weeks from now.
On the Mission Front
Guy continues to teach his classes at night. In spite of the drop off of attendance in some classes, there are a couple of groups that God is really evident in. It gets frustrating when it becomes obvious that some people just are not "getting it." However, seeing the hand of God in those individuals who for the first time begin to capture the truth is fantastic and worth all the time and trouble. There are still quite a few weeks left of this go around and we are learning a lot from it. it has really stretched us in the learning department.
Wednesday night found me at home unable to get a taxi to go to our Wednesday night missions group to teach English. It was raining cats and dogs and there was not a taxi to be found or called anywhere. I found out later most of the others were unable to get there as well.
Like so many others we spent most of Saturday watching the incoming pictures of the devastation in Chile. Many of our regional personnel live in Santiago, Chile including some good friends. They are okay and we are most thankful to God for that.
Guy got back from the Galapagos with lots of stories to tell. He's working on putting his pictures into a video but I will post my favorite two of his here.
I love this seal that just stands there with the others watching the fisherman cut up his catch!
A few minutes ago Guy pulled us out of school to come watch a video. It was so moving I wanted to put it on here.
Later I will edit this post to make some comments on it. (for now I really do need to get back to school!)
I realize that I missed last week, so this will cover the last two weeks.
From the Heart
This week has been a bit of a struggle. God has been dealing with me about fasting. I'm also finding myself resisting talking to Him because I'm not sure I want to hear what He has to say to me ('specially if it's about fasting!). The enemy sure knows how to push my buttons! I realize that when I feel like that it's not from God. God only has good things for me, even though they may not seem like good things at the time. It's the enemy who lies to me about God and God's intentions toward me. I don't know why I buy into that lie so often! It's frustrating! I feel like I took two steps back this week. But, I will look at what I DID do instead of what I didn't do, and then turn around and take another step forward.
On the Home Front
Last week Jewel came to visit and ate lunch with us on Wednesday. I always like visiting with her.
On Friday before Valentine's Day Anna and I started our Valentine's Day project. We made some red velvet cake balls. We had to make the cake and icing from scratch but it turned out well. We made some balls and some hearts using small heart-shaped cookie cutters. We kept the hearts/balls in the fridge until Saturday when we melted some chocolate (we bought a new product here that is specifically for covering candies and such) to cover our balls. The balls, in spite of being in the fridge, fell apart in the chocolate. So we put our heart balls onto a rack and spooned the chocolate onto the top of the hearts. After hardening in the fridge they really looked good. After sampling them we KNEW they were good!
After making the cake balls we went to one of my favorite online crafty sites, The Toymaker, and we made the pixie box, the hanging heart basket, and the sliding window card for our Valentine. We just used regular typing paper as I don't have any card stock, and they turned out okay (card stock would have been so much better!). We presented them to our Valentine this morning and they were well received.
This past week found us really off our regular schedule. It started with Carnaval which means our part of the city was like a ghost town for the weekend, especially on Monday and Tuesday.
Guy left Tuesday morning for the Galapagos Islands where he will be for a week. I do not know why it is so hard for me to maintain a regular schedule when Guy is gone. I only managed to get to the gym one day, but at least I did go once. That's better than nothing, right? I also feel like I don't have to cook so we ate lots of leftovers and sandwiches. Anna and I did go out one day for a lunch date.
My desire for this week was to focus on cleaning out stuff I don't need or use anymore. I decided to tackle the spare room. I called a team member who meets with a house church in an area that is very poor so that he could come and take this stuff to distribute to the church family there. Knowing he was coming later in the day helped me work a little more quickly.
Sad to say that most of the stuff in the picture came from just the closet in the room! It doesn't show the bed, 5 mattresses, and sofa that are included in this giveaway. And there's still a little more to clean out in that room! Slowly, but surely I am going to get my house down to just what I use.
By far, the biggest distraction of the week has been the Olympic Games. They are being blocked on TV here but I found a place on the internet that is showing the Olympics free. I was so excited to be able to watch the opening ceremonies! I have always loved the Olympics even though I'm not much of a sports person. I particularly enjoy figure skating. However, because of the time difference I'm not getting to bed until around 1:00 which is making it hard to get up in the mornings!
In the School Room
School wasn't a total loss this week. Anna was good to keep up with her seat work that she does daily. We both love history and so we always get that done! We watched "The Last Emperor" as we leave our study of WW I and go into WW II. We did Math as well. I didn't worry too much about the rest because we enjoyed some time in the mornings watching the interesting and educational reports on Canada that the Today Show has been doing as part of it's Olympic Coverage (only their showing of the actual competitions is being blocked).
Ministry Stuff
I started English classes this week with the group that meets with Jewel. It's a group of young people that are interested in Missions. I swore I would never teach English again (did it once and hated it) but several things have changed my mind.
Jewel told me that when she was in India (she was a miss'y there for 10 years) she would be invited to meetings where there was a gathering of missionaries from all over the world. The meetings were always in English and she would be unable to participate because she didn't speak English. So she learned English (how she learned is a fun story to hear, but I don't have time to tell it now!). She told me that English is the language of missions.
I remembered reading a biography of Mother Teresa to the kids in school a couple of years ago. One of the things I found interesting was that she made all her girls (the ones in her order) learn English because the majority of good Christian literature is written in English!
Then, last fall, Guy and I went to a meeting in Turkey. Those who were there were from all over the world. The meetings were all in English. That was the common language. So, I'm thinking that there might be something to what Jewel says.
Those are the reasons that I decided to help this group with their English. If it will be used to further the Kingdom, then I will do it. Our classes are not very formal. We are going to focus on conversation- vocabulary and pronunciation. There were only about 12-14 of us and we had a good time and laughed a lot!
This afternoon I surfed Facebook. I looked up people with whom I went to high school. People who weren't necessarily my friends. You know, the cheerleaders, drill team members, people everyone knew, but they didn't know you. The beautiful people that won all the "queen" titles. The skinny minnies. Know what I found out? Most of them are old and fat now. They have wrinkles. Most of the brunettes are now bottle blondes. And I'm feeling so guilty because...well....that made me feel good! Sad, huh?
This week I nailed nails. There is a proverb that goes like this:
For want of a nail the shoe was lost,
For want of a shoe the horse was lost,
For want of a horse the rider was lost,
For want of a rider the battle was lost,
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost,
and all for the want of a horseshoe nail.
As a missionary we are honored and privileged to get to see God do mighty things. It's our tendency to focus on those big events, those miracles, and to pray for more. As a wife and mother, I am home bound much more than my husband. Many times, more than I can count, I have had to experience those big events, miracles, and God things vicariously as I listen to the stories that Guy tells me when he gets home. Sometimes I am jealous that I didn't get to experience what he experienced. Mostly I just feel left out and that I'm not a part of the things that God is doing. But in between those big spiritual events is life. The ordinary, daily things of life. In between the battles the horses have to be fed, shoes shod, wounds healed. If we neglect those daily tasks of life then we are not ready for the big events that come along.
Every morning when I went to the gym to walk, I reminded myself that this was a nail that needed to be nailed in the horseshoe. When I fixed meals, mopped the floor, read to Anna, and taught her how to add fractions, I reminded myself that these are the nails that will make the horse strong, to carry the rider to the battle, to save the Kingdom. Nailing nails. It's kingdom work too. And that was on my heart this week.
On the Home Front
We went to Manta to spend the weekend (pictures here). Manta is a port city about four hours from here. We used to travel there easily in three hours, but the roads are really bad now. Add to that rain making the roads covered with mud and it becomes a road that takes an extra hour to drive. One of the hotels there had run a special (two years ago!) on weekends and so Guy bought a weekend packet at this particular hotel. The due date to use it was upon us so we decided to go this past weekend. Friday and Saturday were dreary and rainy, not the usual weather for this time of year. We spent a lot of time in our hotel room reading. Of course, Sunday dawned bright and beautiful and we had to leave! But it was nice for those few hours.
School
We have a tendency to get ahead on our Read-Alouds (we get excited and can't wait to find out what happens) and so found ourselves without a book to read aloud this week. I looked around and decided to introduce my 14-year-old daughter to one of my favorite authors, Georgette Heyer. I chose the book, Beauvallet because it's a swash-buckling pirate adventure. I was thrilled that she wanted to keep listening to it. I hope she will read more of Heyer- she's such a good writer and her stories are always so entertaining.
Missions
Our house church training classes continue, but attendance is dropping. So many come thinking to just sit through another interesting class that doesn't require them to do anything. What we are teaching is a bit radical to what they have been taught and their paradigms are being challenged. It is always thus. There are always a few who stick it out to the end and among those are the ones God uses.
