When our daughter Anna came “back home” it took her some time to get used to us. She cried for a solid month. I spent a lot of time in the rocker with her and she really liked that. It was the one think I could count on that would stop the crying. She has always loved to rock. For 8 years she would stop what she was doing and come crawl into my lap whenever I sat down in the rocker. She also loved to rock on her rocking horse. She would spend an hour of intense rocking or bouncing every morning before breakfast, sometimes almost falling off when she rocked herself into a trance.
One day when she was 6 months old and had just learned to sit up I had her on a blanket on the floor next to the window and desk in my bedroom where I was working. I had pillows on all sides in case she fell over. I went downstairs satisfied that she couldn’t come to any harm while I got a drink of water. While in the kitchen I heard a bloodcurdling scream. I literally flew up the stairs and burst into my room expecting to see....I’m not sure what.... but blood and gore were in my mind. My bursting into the room startled her and she stopped screaming. When she saw who it was she calmly turned her head away and began screaming again. I just stood there watching her sitting there and screaming away seemingly for the pleasure of screaming.
Her screaming soon became a regular part of life in our house. She screamed when she was happy, sad, angry, upset, whatever. We finally were able to cut out the screaming for screaming’s sake, but to this day screaming is just part of her reaction and expression of life.
When Anna was three years old we went to the States for our stateside assignment. On our first Sunday at the church that was hosting us I took her to her Sunday School class. Because it was a new situation/place/people I wasn’t sure how she would react. I hurried back after church to be the first to pick her up. Big mistake. She was NOT ready to go home. She wanted to stay and play. I was happy that she had enjoyed herself so well. I waited until all the children were gone and then went to pick her up to take her home. She still wasn’t ready and began to throw a major fit. I had to half carry and half drag her away. We made it down the long corridor to the exit but her screams and resistance was such that I took her to the bathroom to try calm her down before continuing on home. Her screams were loud enough to be heard down the hallway. I was very upset and embarrassed. Even more so when a nice lady came in to see if things were alright and did I need any help? I finally just waited until everyone was gone and then carried her to our house across the street from the church. That was the first episode of rage that I remember.
When we returned home to Guayaquil we began to see more of this kind of behavior. For the next two years our home became more and more like a battlefield as these episodes of rage escalated. Being her primary caretaker I bore the brunt of her rage. I never knew what would set her off. Not getting her way would often do it, but more often than that it was always a mystery. For example, one night I was rocking her to sleep. She was almost alseep when she said something to me. Because she was facing the other way and barely mumbling I couldn’t hear her. I said, “Excuse me, what did you say?” She repeated the mumbling. I stopped rocking, put my head down to hear her better and told her that I still couldn’t understand her. She totally lost it and had a complete meltdown.
Her rages were always very loud and we would shut all the windows but you could still hear her down the street. I don’t know what our neighbors thought. I didn’t even want to think about it. She started becoming more aggressive. When she went into one of these rages she would lose all ability to reason. She would scream at me, say the ugliest thing she could think of (if she had known any swear words I’m pretty sure she would have used them), spit in my face, kick me, punch me, pinch me, butt her head against me, pull my hair, and throw whatever was at hand at me. This would go on for more than an hour. She broke everything that was breakable in her room throwing it.
When she finally calmed down she would cry with remorse and say she was sorry. She was always truly repentant. Her rage was too big for her to control. I always told her that I forgave her and how much I loved her (and it was true). Often we would just cry together and I would just love on her. I knew it wasn't personal towards me.
When her feelings all calmed down and she went back to being “normal” she would be as if nothing had happened. I would be left totally exhausted. Her rages were beginning to take a toll on our family. She would never act like this in front of my husband or other people (for the most part). He had a hard time believing that it was as bad as I was saying it was. I would make my son lock himself in his room so that he would be safe ( I won’t go into the problems he’s had with all this). I became an emotional wreck. Here I was, a college graduate with a degree in child development and I could do nothing- I didn’t even know what was going on. I lost all confidence in myself as a mother, a wife, a teacher, and a missionary. I began to slowly sink into depression. I was embarrassed and ashamed for anyone to know. I started withdrawing from the world and only went out for groceries or when I absolutely had to go out. I spent a lot of time just crying “for no reason.” My daily devotions stopped (don’t know why that happens when you need them most!) and I refused all invitations to ministry.
These episodes of rage began to escalate in frequency and intensity. We got to the point where we were experiencing them two, sometimes three, times a day. On one particularly bad day I had turned around when Anna was melting down and she threw something at me that was heavy. Fortunately for me, she missed. However, I realized that if it had hit me in the back it would probably have done some serious damage. I had reached the end of my rope. I could do no more. We had to get some help but didn’t know where to turn. We thought of member care but were too ashamed to let anyone in the mission know what we were going through (gotta keep up that image at all costs, right?). We thought we could deal with this on our own.
We found a psychologist that we sorta knew through our son’s school. We went to her and cried on her shoulder for an hour and a half. She recommended a series of tests to rule out physical causes and we took Anna to a neurologist for a brain check. After crying on the shoulder of the neurologist for another hour and a half (that’s the thing I like about medical care here- they will listen to you and spend the time you need) she did the necessary exams and then gave us a prescription. We immediately went home to look it up on the internet to find out what it was and were surprised that it was medication given for bipolar disorder.
I looked up bipolar and at first didn’t think it really fit all we were seeing. But being desperate for any kind of help we gave her the medication. The effect was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Within 24 hours we spent an entire day without an episode. I cried for the sheer relief of having had a whole day without a battle. You cannot imagine how good that relief felt. She was like another child, a “normal” child.
For the next year or so I educated myself on bipolar disorder. As I learned more about this disorder I began to see the other symptoms. Anna was re-evaluated and officially diagnosed with bipolar and ADD. We have found medication that has worked very well for her. Private school had been a disaster for her so we decided to homeschool her. Since I have been with her daily in school we have seen that besides BP and ADD, she has some learning difficulties. Sometimes I think I should be awarded another degree for all the research I’ve had to do to learn about these disorders! We did eventually talk to our member care personel. They were very helpful to me as I began to make the necessary changes in how I did school and in our home life in general.
The past two or three years have been the best years with her. Once we knew what we were dealing with we could do something about it. The medication has really helped her real self to shine through. She is very loving and affectionate and has a passion for animals. She is very sensitive to spiritual things and it’s a joy to hear her pray. Just last week as we parked in front of Burger King she commented on how sad the guard who looks after the cars looked. When we sat down to pray before eating she included him in her prayer.
I cannot emphasize enough the part prayer has played in all this. In spite of my lack of devotional time I did spend a lot of time crying out to God for help. He heard me and answered me. Step by step He led us to the people we needed, the web sites we needed, and the books we needed. I am so grateful to a God who cares so much for me. I wouldn’t trade my experience for anything in the world because so much joy and happiness has come out of it. Again, we achieved victory through prayer.
Boy do we LOVE your daughter!!!!! Thanks for sharing her story with us. It has been such a privilege to watch her grow over the last few years. You are doing a GREAT job with her! We are confident that she will live up to her name and that she will be a blessing to all those who meet and know her. We are going to miss her (and y'all :-) lots!
I think I was drawn to your blog because of the link to the Bipolar Child I saw on the side bar. We too have a child dx with Bipolar disorder. It's so frustrating. We also found private school to be a disaster but now we are finding homeschool to be a disaster as well. Everything with my 7yo is a disaster. Like I said,, very frustrating.
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Jun. 16, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Boy do we LOVE your daughter!!!!! Thanks for sharing her story with us. It has been such a privilege to watch her grow over the last few years. You are doing a GREAT job with her! We are confident that she will live up to her name and that she will be a blessing to all those who meet and know her. We are going to miss her (and y'all :-) lots!
Lots of love
Richelle and the Webb lads