Fountain Pen

Jun. 20, 2008

Chapter 1, Part 3

**Note: As my story is still in the making, all names, places, and events may be subject to change.**

 Chapter 1 - Part 3

          The door at the end of the hall slammed once again, and in strode the doorkeeper followed by a tall, broad-shouldered man in a long dirty cloak and heavy boots.  His hair was short, unusual in Orotaek, and from where Faeryn stood she couldn’t make out the color of the man’s hair.  He walked calmly but determinedly across the great expanse of the hall in huge, heavy strides that echoed off the walls.  When he came near to where Faeryn was standing and she could make out his face, she couldn’t help but notice his large, wildly blue eyes, which radiated a power and a passion that Faeryn had never seen before.  “Byerron,” she whispered to herself, trying it out and deciding that it fit the man splendidly.  Here, she thought, is a man to rival my father.  I wonder what he has to say.

            Byerron stopped at a respectful distance from the throne and waited for the doorkeeper to announce him.  The king, however, did not wait, but commented immediately;

            “I see that you didn’t bother to bathe before you came here.  Most people do, you know.”

            Faeryn felt sorry for the man, wishing he hadn’t been criticized by the king right from the start, but Byerron didn’t seem at all bothered by it.  (She decided later that he had probably received similar comments the other times he had visited.)  He opened his mouth to say whatever it was he had to say, but the king cut him off.

            “No,” he said.  “This really won’t do, Byerron.  Doorkeeper, take him and have him cleaned off and give him some clean clothes, and then I will listen to what he has to say.”

            Byerron shut his mouth and reluctantly followed the doorkeeper back across the hall, making just as much – if not more – noise with his great black boots.

            Faeryn felt rather impatient.  How could her father put off the encounter any longer?  She wanted to know more about this odd stranger, and she wondered how long it would take him to clean himself and get dressed.  Anyhow, now that he was gone she would have to try to refocus on her lesson, and she was sure that she didn’t really want to.

            She must have sighed a little, because Rendreik looked up at her and decided that he would get no more real concentration from Faeryn and that their lessons were over for the day.  As he closed the books he said, “you are released.  We will have no more study for the day.”

            Faeryn was glad for the break, but she realized that her lessons were her only free pass into the great hall.  Unless she was with Rendreik, she would not be able to see what happened when Byerron came back to speak to the king.  She opened her mouth, torn between voicing a thank-you or a complaint, but Rendreik whispered;

            “I will find a way to get you back in here when Byerron comes back.  He’s quite a man, and I would hate for you to miss this chance to see him.” 

            Faeryn could have hugged the old man, but, as that gesture went against the rules of court formality, she merely smiled and nodded her thanks as she turned to leave.

 

 

Copyright 2008 Cherise A. Do not reproduce at all without my express permission. If you like what I do, you can link to me instead.

 

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Comments

Jun. 20, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by SuzyScribbles
I hopped on over to read this right away. I love the wry humor I sense in this chapter, like this:

“I see that you didn’t bother to bathe before you came here. Most people do, you know.”

That line is priceless. LOL

You have good "voice" and I am enjoying getting to know your characters. I wouldn't wait too long, however, to present the reader with the story "problem". You can weave the characters and the description in and out (and you do it so well!), but I'd like to have a hint on where the story is going . . . and what overall problem our heroes and heroines will be facing. :-)
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Jun. 21, 2008 - No, no, no!

Posted by skmarlow
No! Don't do ANY editing until you have the entire story written! Just let it flow--even if someone (like me or that homeschool mom) gives you suggestions or tells you it's starting to slow down. Just file those "helps" away for the editing AFTER the story is completed.

If you worry about editing as you go, you will lose the delightful creative "muse" that is so evident here, and things will become stale and forced.

So...plunge on ahead (thinking about suggestions but only using ones that don't get in your way!). LOL

Trust me. I've written both ways and the "get it all down first" way is truly the best.

Oh, have you seen those widgets on the left sidebar of the WW blog? What a great way to keep us up on your story. You should create one. Here's the link, and I THINK you choose the "HTML" option. (It's been awhile since I made one.) BookLover can help....

http://www.widgetbox.com/create/create_widget.jsp

-s-
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Jun. 21, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by QueenFlora
Oh I really like it! and now I feel just as exited as (oh, well I don't know how to spell her name...) but anyway as her! I want to know what happens with the man...(don't know how to spell his name too! lol) I really like the way you write, there is something about it that seems so REAL. I can't wait to here what happens next! Keep up the great work!
Farewell!
~Flora of Hanaskea
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Jun. 22, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by Writerinthelight
Hello, my name is Rebecca, I am 13, 14 in Nov. and the 4th oldest out of 11 kids. We live on a farm in WI and I found your blog and love it. That was grand! I am enjoying your story so far! I write stories--novelettes anyway, though not novels yet. I wish I could show you them but I don't have email or a blog, so I don't know. But you do great! I hope you enjoy the gift God has given you, and always remember to WRITE IN THE LIGHT. (My daily prayer. :) )
Keep it up! I cannot wait to read more.
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Jun. 22, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by Writerinthelight
Hello, my name is Rebecca, I am 13, 14 in Nov. and the 4th oldest out of 11 kids. We live on a farm in WI and I found your blog and love it. That was grand! I am enjoying your story so far! I write stories--novelettes anyway, though not novels yet. I wish I could show you them but I don't have email or a blog, so I don't know. But you do great! I hope you enjoy the gift God has given you, and always remember to WRITE IN THE LIGHT. (My daily prayer. :) )
Keep it up! I cannot wait to read more.
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Jun. 22, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by Tinuviel
After procrastinating for quite awhile, I have finally set aside some time to read and comment on your story! You'll find that my comments are branched into segments; one segment for each part you've posted. With that said, I'll proceed...

Prelude - Very nice beginning! It pulled me right in and made me eager to hear more about the strange man with the tattered cloak. What could be happening in Orotaek that causes his anxiety? Hmm...

Chapter 1, Part 1 - I like how you get right into the story without boring the readers with long descriptions or histories -- something I need to work on, I know. *sheepish grin* I also like how you wrote from Cressida's point of view; a nice surprise. In mentioning the mountains, you've hinted to the readers what sort of land and climate the story is set in, which is always helpful. (I hate stories where I cannot imagine where the characters are!) The cloth metaphor was creative, I thought.

Chapter 1, Part 2 - Ah, I see the posts are getting a little longer! In this one, it's interesting to find out that Faeryn is not close to her father -- this could turn into a neat sub-plot if you wanted it to. I enjoyed your description of the Great Hall, and couldn't help but think of Meduseld, dwelling place of King Theoden in The Two Towers. Chancellor Rendreik (however do you come up with your names?) is a thoroughly likeable character, and I can't wait to see how he and the king are connected to this Byerron fellow. Oh, the suspense!

Chapter 1, Part 3 - Haha, I love that quote by the king. He sounds...I don't know, firm? I guess I still need to figure out his character. Faeryn and I are definitely alike in the way we both want to know why Byerron is there! You sure do have a way of leaving your readers in suspense. ;)

There, I've gotten that off my chest. *grins* All in all, a wonderful beginning -- can't wait to read more!

One question before I take my leave: how are your names pronounced? Take Orotaek, for example...I would be quite embarrassed if I found I had been pronouncing it wrong all this time!

Keep up the good work!

Tinuviel
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Jun. 28, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by BookLover
I always say this but Its great!!! I'm off to go read the next part.
Amy
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About Me

My pen pours forth like a fountain, and this is the place where you can read some of what I have written.


Please leave a comment, even if you only read part of a post! I love feedback and constructive criticism, and I want to know that what I post is being read.





My Writings


The Prophet of Einehrowaye is a fantasy novel-in-progress, which is currently 42,220 words long. Here is a list of links to all the bits of it I have posted so far.


Prelude


Chapter 1


Chapter 1, Part 1


Chapter 1, Part 2


Chapter 1, Part 3


Chapter 1, Part 4


Chapter 1, Part 5


Chapter 2


Chapter 2, Part 1


Chapter 2, Part 2


Chapter 2, Part 3


Chapter 2, Part 4


Reach for the Stars Writing Workshop is an online writing workshop for young writers who wish to sharpen their skills, taught by the fabulous Mrs. Marlow. Here are the links to the lessons I have done:


Lesson 1


Lesson 2


Lesson 3


Lesson 4


Lesson 5

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