Mar. 5, 2006

Baby Steps?

I can't do baby steps.  I need to do baby steps. I have always been an all or nothing gal.  Eat one Oreo might as well eat 20 since my diet is blown already anyways.  Just give up the schedule since it didn't work that day.  In every aspect of my life I am an all or nothing kind of gal.  Here I am SO wanting to have this blog entry be the laundry list of all the things that are going to be perfect tomorrow.  I am fighting with everything I have to not just write - NOW is the time it ALL turns around and start plans to have the perfect day.  I want the perfect day.  I want to be the perfect mom, homemaker, and wife.  I want to be the perfect child of God.  But the second I in my flawed nature find out that my plans for perfection have failed it ALL falls apart.  So where does this leave all my great plans for tomorrow?  What are the priorites?  And the real question - HOW do I get to where I am able to just start over anew everytime something goes wrong in my plans? 

Ideally I want to get up early, do a morning routine, have the children clean their rooms, TS them perfectly, make a healthy breakfast, do all daily and weekly chores for that day, have clothes for all of them, everyone teeth brushes, them having worked with me all day, the house clean and a great dinner made when Clay gets home and on and on.  I want the perfect day.  Oh and I want to look gorgeous doing it.

I talkede briefly with Clay about making up a new schedule and you know, he said baby steps pretty much.  He said to list the things that HAVE to be done - things like school, etc NOT being allowed on that list right now.  And then I am to focus on those things.  How do I cut things out?  I am having a hard time coming up with a need list.

So the things that need to be done.  ARGH.  Need is so hard for me.  I feel like I NEED to do it all.  I feel like I will fall to pieces if I don't.  Lord help me to find the right things that need to be done.  I need to clean the kitchen after every meal.  I need to do 4 loads of laundry.  I need to go to the store.  I need to straighten all the rooms of the house.  I need to spend time with the Lord in the morning and in the evening.  I need to make 3 meals a day.  I need to start TSing the children the way they need to, boot camp so to speak.  I need to clean the bathroom.  The thing is... I feel like the only thing that is a real need is time with the Lord.  Then TSing the children.  Then laundry coming in third.  So I think that maybe THAT is the plan.  Time with the Lord, keeping the children literally within arms reach, and doing laundry.  Everything else will be an added plus.  Off to read a little on the woodshed, or tomatoes :) board and some old bootcamp posts. 


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Mar. 5, 2006

Psalm 1 for me tonight

Psalm 1:1 - Blessed [is] the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.
Psalm 1:2 - But his delight [is] in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.

Wow.  So simple.  I mean it's the first 2 verses of Psalms and I am sure I have read them 1000 times.  But I need them now.  I have found that I care too much what people the digital scrapbooking community think.  How silly does that sound?  I feel so blessed to have found a passion.  To have found something that I love to do and am good at.  And to have found something that I can do in the evenings to bring in side income for our family and make pretty good money doing it.  But what started out of love and passion has grown into something it shouldn't.  There are message boards and communities that as a designer I frequent as part of the advertising part of it all, to keep my name out there, to keep people knowing me on a more personal basis and want to buy from me.  But it is out of control.  I check the boards constantly for signs of people talking about my designs, check galleries for my work.  I think about it all constantly.  It needs to stop. I want my delight to be in the Lord.  I want to meditate on His law day and night.  I need to find a balance between doing what is needed in my business to making it a huge part of my life.  It is NOT who I am, though it sure feels that way sometimes.  I need to set some guidelines.  I need to set limits as to how much of my time and energy is spent in these communites.  They are not uplifting most of the time.  I have made a couple valued friendships, and have found some great Christian women that love doing it now too.  But I need to set up some rules as to how much time is spent in the boards getting my name out there.  And not let these women become the people in my life I look to for guidance and counsel when many are not women I should look to for wisdom.  It used to be only in my evening work time.  Now I find myself doing it during the day as well and that NEEDS to stop.  Okay.  So what's the bottom line?  1/2 hour at the most quickly checking boards and ONLY during my work time in the evening.  Starts tomorrow well since it's work time already :)


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Mar. 5, 2006

To blog or not to blog?

Well I haven't written in a while.  I think in a way I let myself get intimidated by my thoughts that I didn't want my blog to be a place of depressing rambles.  And it has kept me away.  Then reading an article at Choosing Home's blog  about an article addressing the horrid Good Morning America spot about stay at home mom's,.  Read the article Here.  But the quote that got me was
"I would like to see a description of their daily lives that substantiates that position,” she said. “One of the things I’ve done working on my book is to read a lot of the diaries online, and their description of their lives does not sound particularly interesting or fulfilling for a complicated person, for a complicated, educated person.” "
That has me thinking about this blog.  People are watching.  They are watching us, looking for signs of joy, of peace in this role.  And people are reading.  They are reading blogs looking for guidance, looking for the same signs of fulfillment in our roles as wives and mothers.  So where does that leave me and this blog?  I am not in a place where I feel I have joy in my life.  I am struggling with the children, with school, with the house.  What purpose should this blog serve? 

I just am not sure.  Many times I blog for me.  I blog because I need to sort out some things, some plans for the day, some struggles and if I didn't have it I wouldn't do it.  Is that enough?  Is it helpful to anyone to read through my hard times?  Or is it detrimental as I am currently a poor witness to our Lord?  I really am not sure.  And there are times that I think about the fact that I am not the only one that feels like things are out of control.  Ever read blogs and think everyone is perfect and you are a collosal failure?  I do all the time.  Though I find the blogs of these women beyond inspiring, I feel unable to ever get there.  Is there value in blogs that show young mothers and wives struggling and working through those struggles?  Is the problem just blogs that are pity parties?  There are times I feel that way for sure. 

For now I am going to continue blogging.  Many times it will show the struggles, and pain in my life.  But I have faith that my Jesus is working in me and I pray that in the midst of these struggles recorded here will come victories and revelation.  I pray that someone will find inspiration somewhere in the future in this journey of mine, in this journey that seems so hard right now. 


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Feb. 10, 2006

Quick Update

Well my Firefox wouldn't let me log in to HSB so I skipped a day.  The last 2 days have been pretty productive.  I got almost everything on my list done and the house is starting to actually look pretty good.  It's way too late and I should be asleep so I am gonna quickly jot down my plan for tomorrow. 

 

Keep the LR, DR, computer room and the children's room clean.  They have been clean for 2 days yay! 

Read aloud to the children

Read from the Bible to the children

Do 4 loads of laundry

Have Frankie write lowercase alphabet

Go to the park!!

Stop at store and pick Clay up some coffee.

Breakfast - WW pancakes

Lunch - rice with chicken stock and zuchinni

Snack, fruit and egg salad on bread

Dinner - steak and au gratin potatoes (oo need to take steak out of fridge before bed)

Straighten Computer Desk

 

Okay need to still iron a shirt, set up Clay's coffee, take out meat, put jeans in dryer.  Oy and it's 2am.  I need to NOT take long naps.  It just messes me up.

Night.


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Feb. 8, 2006

Oy. Tuesday goings ons

So here is the first entry of the more journal and day to day life recording of my life.  Be prepared.  You may think of me as a bad mother and wife after this.  So be it.  It is what it is.

So once again told myself that I was going to get up early and start the day before the children all woke up.  Well.... so Frankie got up and I made him come in the bedroom and turn on the tv.  It was pretty early for me, say 8:00 and figured hey one show and I'll be up by 8:30 and that will be a great start at trying to get up at a normal time.  Well before long Adric and Cassie were in there watching and I found myself making my bed at 10:10.  Went in, fed the children cereal and toast.  Told myself I was just going to check my email why they ate.  Told the children that today was the day we were going to Tomato Stake completely, no tv watching for them in the other room, and that as soon as they were done we were doing our chores and then school.  Long story short about the computer......  Got started into websurfing, none of my great Christian boards except a quick WS or HK check here and there.  Mostly scrapping stuff.  And got into work.  I have been blessed by this great home based business where I can do what I love, be creative and earn pretty good money and I work during the DAY?  I take this blessing and am turning it into a curse for my family.  ARGH I hate it.  Anyways so I get caught in the trap and literally sat there until 4:45.  6-7 hours.  I could cry to think about it.  Got no laundry done.  No dishes done.  No rooms cleaned. Okay about 4:45 I had the children clean the Living Room, Dining Room and Computer Room.  So those were okay, not perfect but acceptable.  Mom went to Bible Study and Clay was going to be home late so gave the children sandwiches for dinner (oh I did throw together some lunch around 1:30 in there somewhere).  So mom came home at 8 or so and the house was still a disaster.  I figured that since Clay was at Pat's he would have eaten before 8 at night.  But no he walks in and has no dinner to be found. Whipped him out a leftover steak sandwich on ww sourdough bread and it was great, so disaster avoided. Did decide when Clay came in to the computer to go into the bedroom and read some blogs on the laptop and it really has been a blessing.  Ironed a shirt for Clay, set up his coffee and am sitting here now.  Did I mention I had the tv on ALL day while I was on the computer ICK.  Now the children today.  If I were to give them all grades for their behavior today it would all be Fs.  It's all my fault.  Today I screamed and yelled at them. And then did it again and again.  Exploded and made Frankie scared of me.   This needs to change.  A year ago this was the farthest thing from what seemed even possible coming from me.  I need to pray about where this anger is coming from really.  Is it deep inside me?  Is it anger at me for letting things get so bad?  Whatever it is needs to stop this minute. Right this minute.  I am changing who my children ARE.  When they see their Mommy yelling at them so mad it forever changes them. 

The plan for tomorrow. 
    -I need to check my email for work.  I am not opening Mozilla.  That's the plan for stopping my problem before it starts.  Really I need to make a rule that I cannot open Photoshop until after the children are in bed.  PS is my downfall.  Once Photoshop is open everything just goes downhill.  So NO Mozilla and NO Photoshop. 
    -I really need to get this house in order somehow.  And being that I need to get the children in order, we will do both at the same time.  I need to clean/straighten every single room in the house.  So first things first the kitchen needs tackling right off the bat.  Hmm I dunno though since the children tend to get out of hand after breakfast so maybe we will start working our way through all the NON kitchen rooms and get the house looking great right after breakfast.  Then do the kitchen while the children have some quiet activity time at the table and counter so they are right there with me.
    -Oh need to figure out what we are having for dinner.  AAh I have the country style ribs Mom bought so I will make sweet ribs and brown rice.  Yum.  Okay I need to think right now about breakfast and lunch for tomorrow.  For breakfast we will have ohh... I know! So today I set up yogurt draining to make whey to make gingerale tomorrow night.  So I will use the cream cheese left over to make some dip or spread for some apples.  Yummy yogurt cheese with honey and vanilla on golden delicious apples.  Now.. lunch.  If the beans in the outside fridge are still good the children will have bowls of beans with butter.  If they are still hungry they can have some hardboiled eggs I will make during breakfast time.  Alright I need to make sure I eat all those things too.  Health is on this plan too. 
    -Exercise.  Now I am not going to get in over my head here since I tend to want to do TONS when I start exercising again.  All I care about is that I do 10 minutes of some sort of exercise.  Doesn't need to be cardio can be Pilates, can be anything.  Easy enough goal.
    - Okay so the basics.. no computer, clean the house so it's presentable, make 3 planned meals, and 10 minutes of exercise.

Okay stayed up way too late tonight with all this blogging.  Oh on my list... get up before 10.  *sigh*


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Feb. 8, 2006

Blog, journal or..?

Well after my last entry I think I have really been intimidated to post again. Ha!  To think that encouraging myself to keep my blog entries from being depressing would keep me from blogging all together is pretty silly.  I sat here earlier and thought about the things going through my mind tonight and it truly was so depressing.  So I have to evaluate what the purpose of this blog is.  There are so many blogs whose purpose seems to be to encourage other women as well as journal the everyday goings on of their lives.  And I truly wish that my blog was that kind of blog.  I do.  But I am not sure I am at a place that I have anything to give.  I don't know that the things going on in my life are encouraging at all, they are in fact....  dare I say it?   Depressing. 

Now I understand in theory that I shouldn't let things be depressing.  And that I need to work on making the words I type here not turn into big one woman pity parties.  I understand.  Really.  So what is the purpose of MY blog?  I started it to be a journal.  But I guess that I could have written it in Word or something if it were to just be a journal.  So where does accountability lie when you cross over from journal to blog?  Do I have a responsibilty to people who might read this to stay uplifting, to stay spiritual, to be the best I can be despite the truths of what might be happening in my life, or simply in the room I am typing in?  I am not sure to be honest. 

What I am thinking is that for now I want to start moving my blog into more of a journal area.  On one hand I think that it might end up being something that helps me to accomplish since boy you are all going to see my dirty laundry if I don't.  Wait until you read the entry I will do after this about what all happened today.

So in the end this is how I think about it all.  For now anyways, considering that I have been pretty darn fickle about things lately.  Argh I hate that about me.  But... I will try not to have pity parties and will try to come up with game plans and prayers to help deal with the issues I face, but in the end, things are hard right now and I am having a hard time smiling even once a day.  I am having a hard time faking it til I make it.  I am not putting on a happy face.  I am struggling.  But I have faith.

I have faith that God is working in me and that this will pass and that maybe one day it will serve as some sort of encouragement to someone.  So I am going to journal everyday if I can.  It will not always be happy and will often be depressing.  Sorry.  You don't have to read it if it is.  But I hope to pray and find answers to the problems and in amidst the depressing posts will be God working in me.  I hope.


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Jan. 30, 2006

Depressing

After another post by Katie that challenged me greatly I am off to post again.  In Katie's she mentioned how depressing sometimes certain blogs can be.  I admit to being one that at times fit that category.  What a blessing the internet can be!  To think of the number of times that Katie's simple godly wisdom has touched me on this subject.  I have always been quite the naysayer. Sadly Clay has taken to jokingly calling me his little "raincloud".  What does that have to say about how I make those around me feel?  Now to give myself a little credit things have definitely been getting loads better.  But I am so challenged to change the way I look at things.  I am taking on this challenge to try and change from being the little raincloud to Clay's silver lining.  To be the one that is always trying to find the good in situations.  I have been through a lot in the last year.  What witness is it to God that I am holding onto all this negativity, this weight, this depression?  God has given me this incredible opportunity to let these trials be used to further His kingdom for His glory.  I see this in Clay.  He is an inspiration to me.  I truly love this man more than words can say.  He conquered the sickness that left him living a life far from both God and what a husband and father should be.  And now he is such a witness to the Lord!  He is such a reliable, smart hardworking man that at his job where he just started in April, he already makes more than his foreman that has worked there for 10 years.  He has pretty much given up watching tv all together and has started working in all his spare time on either computers or in his new garage workshop.  I think he is starting to want to learn to blow glass - neat!  And has really stepped up to plate when it comes to spending time with the children.  And has really just been my biggest supporter in dealing with all my issues.

So I have started (again) to get a plan in place.  I got out my old homekeeping binder from 2003 and redid my weekly chore list and daily list.  I am feeling great about this week coming.

Oh.. also, please pray for my mother.  My mom has always been one to say she believed in Jesus but didn't believe the Bible to be true and felt that the verse "in my Father's house are many mansions" meant all the different religions.  So she has in the last 6 months or so started going to this new church.  It's a big mega church and despite her askings is not the church for my little family.  But... wonderful things are starting to happen.  For the first time ever she is actually on the fence of whether the Bible is true.  Before now she would try to burn that fence instead of straddle it.  She goes every week to the small groups study and does some volunteer work each month and really see the Lord working.  So I guess they had a sermon about tithing at her church.  Now while she almost got mad at me when we discussed that I didn't agree fully with her preacher's take on it - that if you are not tithing your 10% you don't trust God.  She told me she thinks she might be getting convicted to tithe.  Which is great.  So that week at her small groups she mentioned that she has been thinking about tithing and they told her about how the Lord will provide.  Well THAT day the washing maching broke.  So she mentioned the washer in the tithe discussion and someone said they had a brand new one that they don't need that they will deliver the next day.  So praise the Lord!  This really impressed her.  I really feel that as more and more things in this process reinforce the truth of God's word she will truly come to believe in the truth of the Word of God.  So please pray to the Lord that he will work in her heart.

So all in all life is great!  Things are changing, getting better here. God is good. And I will remember as I fold this giant pile that instead of hating laundry I am SO glad that I have this wonderful family to wear these clothes, fun loving children that love to get dirty and that I am blessed to live a lifestyle that allows me to have the abundance of clothes we do - praise God for the great Goodwill!  Silver Lining Here I come!!!!!


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Jan. 29, 2006

The transformation

    Okay so that title sounds a TAD more grandious than it really is LOL.  I have lots to blog about but will have to do it a little later on tonight when things are a bit quieter.  But as of late our 6yo Frankie has been noticeably both whiny and lazy.  I admittedly have been struggling with the raising of these children, so I went to my hubby.  I asked him what he thought needed to be done to help with some of the issues Frankie has been having.  Firstly, he has said that I need to get up earlier and get the day going earlier. And to get Frankie's school schedule back to normal.  Just the schedule in general.  When we were back in TN he had to clean his room, feed and water the dogs and chickens all before breakfast.  And he was 4 and 5 then.  And here it seems like he does nothing.  So Clay said firstly the schedule has to become top priority.  Then second he decided that he wasn't doing his part in raising Frank.  I have long since thought this but have really tried with the Lord's help to not nag ( big achievement for me) about it.  And Jesus being so faithful has worked wonders in this area as of late.  Clay in the last couple weeks has really taken sweet Frankie under his wing.  They have been working together everyday in the garage workshop.  I have never seen Frankie so happy as when he came in and told me of the glass that Daddy was melting with the torch and how it exploded everywhere lol.  Of course Mommy held her tongue about how dangerous it was.  And when Daddy put Frank up on the HIGH landing to shop vac the cobwebs Mom held her tongue and tears in her extreme terror over watching it all.  But already there has been a huge transformation in Frankie's behavior.  More now than ever I realize the importance of both father's in the lives of sons but of us doing everyday things with the littles.  Now to do my part and with the Lord's help will bring around some serious change in our family.  Hope to blog here a little more tonight.


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Jan. 11, 2006

The Comparison Troll

That darn little troll that seems to sneak in the houses of so many of us Christian ladies.  We think that because we dress modestly, or homeschool, avoiding outside activities to keep out a lot of the peer pressure, amongst other reasons.  But here we are sheltering our children from peer pressure and so so many of us let ourselves feel the pressure.  We compare.  We get down on ourselves if our lives aren't perfect.  We let ourselves feel threatened by the very ladies we admire.  For a long long time I was a comparer.  Okay so I am a recovering comparer.  There are times when it slips in.  But the Lord is working it all out.  When you let yourself compare yourself to other families of the Lord you lose in so many ways.  Let's tell my story. 

So I have/had/ well have a friend back home.  For so long I felt she lived the life I always wanted.  I mean really.  She was so full of the joy of the Lord at our young ages.  She never ever even raised her voice.  She eats 100% raw, exercise 360 days a year.  And had the dream courtship.  Their family sits every night while her hubby reads stories to the children, and on and on.  That family.  The one flourishing together in the Lord.  Now we have been friends for about 7 years.  She has always been nothing but an amazing friend to me.  In ways that make me want to grow closer to know my God.  But even until when I moved here to CA I always compared her life to mine.  I tried and tried not to but I just did.  And all I did was lose.  When times got tough for me, tough in ways that change who you are, I felt like I couldn't reach out for her companionship because she was so perfect.  I couldn't ask for prayer about my hubby because then she, with her amazing godly husband, would know the kind of man I thought Clay "was" ( what a horrible thing to admit).  When I got depressed and gained a lot of weight, I stayed away from her because she ate so perfect and exercised.  Many times I would alienate my sweet hubby when I would compare him to "Bob".  I spent years not being able to look at my dear husband and see the amazing man he truly is because all I would see is who he wasn't.  I couldn't enjoy myself because all I could see is who I wasn't.  I couldn't enjoy my home because all I could see is what it wasn't.  All around I lost.  When you compare you lose. You lose friendships, you lose contentment, you lose the ability to see beauty in what is around you, including yourself.

Throughout my years in great message boards I have met some amazing women of God that truly are shining examples of the women and families that God is proud to be a model of Christ.  Lately here and there there have been women speaking out against these great women.  Firstly, insinuating that these women's lives are not as great as they appear to be.  Secondly that by these women sharing their wisdom, showing younger women how obeying the word of God, using their life examples, will bring glorious marraige, children and lives in the Lord are teaching ladies poorly and giving them false hopes.  Funny how one can listen to admonition from amazing wonderful ladies of God and say they are being legalistic.  That by saying you need to submit to your husband, and here are some practical ways, are saying we need to just what they do or we are lost.  And thirdly, that the lives of these women are "easier" than most families' lives and it is folly for these wise women to pass on their wisdom because it is not applicable to the normal layman's life.  Is the Bible no longer applicable because we are living in Israel or Rome? 

This is the bottom line with all that.  To me anyways.  I can't look in their hearts and say what is so.  But they sound like I did, and sometimes do.  Comparing the lives of these great women and feeling threatened.  Feeling threatened by the fact that they do not have the same relationship with God, their husband or children.  That they are not as organized.  That they are inferior.  In the end it goes back to excuses.  Is my life harder than theirs?  Are their husbands better than mine?  Are their children better?  Is their house better set up to stay clean?  All the things that people say are the reasons that these women's words should not be spoken.  The answers can be yes or no, but do the answers matter?  I might have had to deal with addiction in our family, they might have had death, or depression, or... Should I love or respect my husband less if he doesn't lead family worship, or what if he wasn't saved at all?  Do I treat him with less respect?  What if their children were given the by God the gift of a mild temper.  Does that mean I raise my children up with anything other than the guideline of first time obedience?  If I live in a bigger house, or a tiny house, does that mean I do not have to be organized and keep my house a sanctuary for my family?  Why on earth does it matter the differences in families when it comes from sharing and gleaning wisdom from these amazing women?  Praise God for the women my Jesus has brought into my life to help lift me up.  I realize that lately the Lord has really been working on my heart in this area.  In days past I would have said "we only have 3 children, why can't I just get my act together like they do with 12?"  But recently I have been sharing bits of wisdom from the web from some ladies with Clay.  And I have felt so hopeful ( now I have my moments of getting down) but I feel hopeful when I look at the lives of these ladies.  And that is why the Lord bring these types of families into our lives.  We should say "WOW! Look at how Katie has managed to scale back on all the toys with such a large family!  Or look how so and so had 12 children and the children are so godly and loving.  Through God's help WE can do that!  If we tomato stake or teach the children thankfulness we can have the peace in our family God desires.  Let's get started! :) :)"  Okay a bit much but.... you get my drift.  So stop the hatin, stop the comparin, and start goin.

And an extra thanks to those ladies that the Lord has been using to work in my heart - some of you know who you are :)


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Jan. 8, 2006

Hmm Sunday Sunday

So I thought I'd write for a minute since Katie made me laugh.  Fake it til ya make it.  I need more faking and more making. 

Well things were better this weekend.  Now admittedly there were many many times that I was unsubmissive and disrespectful to Clay but thanks to the Lord I started to notice them.  So each time I had attitude or talked disrespectfully to him not a minute would pass before I was apologizing to him.  I was at first thinking that it was kind of annoying lol.  I think if it were Clay doing it I might grow annoyed, especially since I found myself apologizing every 10 minutes.  Then today I told him I was sorry for talking disrespectfully to him and he really shone as he told me thank you for apologizing.  Thank Jesus that I have a sweet husband that forgives me so freely and quickly.  I wish I could offer him that kind of grace so easily.  I hope that I continue to let the Lord point these things out to me and that they begin to become beyond ugly to me. 

So Clay had me order the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover starter set.  I didn't want to buy it unless we both commited to reading and watching it all ( um...   well that sounds bad.  And I suppose in reality that was kind of degrading to Clay to assume that he wasn't going to watch it. ) And he gave me an emphatic I will absolutely do it with you - I want you to buy the starter set instead of just the book.  Yay!  So I started reading the book. I am loving it.  I think I was nagging just a tad today about him watching one of the dvds with me.  But being sweet he went along with my impatience (he usually says no way when I act that way.  Thank the Lord I have a strong husband who doesn't give into em) and we started watching the Cash Flow/budget dvd.  We only got to watch about 15-20 minutes because my mother decided she would get the big children up from their quiet time to give them a snack.  Oy, living with parents.  But when we turned it off, Clay was so excited and said he was really enjoying it and wanted to watch the rest after the children went to bed.  God is so good.  I am feeling so hopeful that we will start turning things around and make a plan to get Clay's school done, get out of debt and get ourselves back to our home in beautiful TN.  More than all of that, I have always hated that Clay works so so hard in such hard labor jobs just to be struggling and behind all the time.  For all his hard work I want to see our family thrive financially, to be getting ahead.  To help him feel proud of the way his work if providing for his family.

I think I put off posting this last number of days since my eating and exercise plan went ary before lunch.  So I am starting anew.  Mom made all this good food for the week so it will be easy to eat some healthy food.  She made a big pot of split pea soup, some great beef stew, some chicken boussin, some great London Broil and... Homemade sloppy joes lol.  So if I can actually get to bed and get up at a reasonable time it will be great.  And try to eat breakfast.  I have been not eating breakfast and I feel it a mistake.  I hope to go to Winco and get a 25lb bag of juicing carrots since that is my favorite breakfast.  Clay encouraged me this weekend to start exercising this week if even for 15 minutes.  I am so an all or nothing gal.  It is a huge flaw of mine that I need to work on.  If I blow it by eating a bowl of ice cream I binge the rest of the day.  Even to the point that if things are not great in my spiritual life all feels worthless, and I put all things of God to the wayside.  This needs to end.  Flylady says something about even a small bit of cleaning blesses your family.  I need to start doing baby steps. 

So.. instead of coming up with grand plans of all the things I will eat and do.  My only plan is to do a small baby step.  Even if it is just one.  Though I hope to do something small in each of the areas that I am struggling in.  What do they say, you can't change what you can't acknowledge?  So here are the parts that seem out of control and a small baby steps I can try tomorrow.

The house - put away sorted laundry piles
the children - have a child help with each meal
my eating - eat breakfast
health - drink one bottle of water
exercise - do 15 minutes of Pilates
school - have Frankie do copywork and review our lapbook
my marriage - make Clay a lunch to take to work with Bible verse taped on (he loves that)
my relationship with the Lord - Read Bible in bathroom times instead of scrapbook magazines ( LOL)
my computer time - 15 minutes only allowed in morning to check email
keeping track of my digiscrapping "work" deadlines - print out calendar page, write all Elements Team deadlines on calendar
My mood in general - put good music on while I do one of my pick up sessions in the house

Okay while that seems like a lot for me to do for some reason, it is a little in each area.  Honestly I can probably do all those things in an hour. 

Also, my add making a great special breakfast for Clay on the weekends.  He had steak, eggs and toast today and the man who eats little had two whole plates!  He was so happy and smiley about his good hearty breakfast.  If you are not making something special for your hubby for breakfast when he is home I encourage you to do it.  I used to do it every weekend and somehow slacked.  He felt like the king of his family this morning :)

As he should.



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Jan. 4, 2006

I had to cut it off

This has got to be the last straw.  Clay helped me and we cut off my wedding ring.  *cry*  Honestly it just makes me sick to my stomach.  But I refuse to sit here and have a pity party about how and why, etc. that I got so heavy I had to cut my ring off.  And so it begins.  I may start a side blog about my weight loss process.  Well maybe not.  I have a feeling that if I need to do another blog I might neglect it.  So tonight I will make a plan for tomorrow. 

Breakfast: Slice of pork loin, 2 eggs and small piece of yummy homemade bread.
Snack: Orange
Lunch: Broth I boiled for a few days, with a little chicken and slice of bread
Snack: No Snack, cup of tea or lemon cayenne drink
Dinner: Hmm unsure about that, need to look at pantry tomorrow, but it needs veggies and fiber.

Exercise: try Ttap free exercises during day
Walk 1/2 hour on treadmill

Water: Drink 3 quarts of water

Okay so here it is. The plan begins.  Lord help me to do this once and for all.


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Jan. 3, 2006

Excuses excuses excuses

Today on a message board I found myself posting this in a reply to a sweet lady's post:

"I have dealt with a lot with Clay, a lot of depression and a long time feeling just "stuck" with a poor relationship with my Jesus because it was both easy and well.. how do I say this?... seemed like I should be because he wasn't the leader I thought God wanted him to be. Now understand I very much am still at this place. So I will just ramble how I often feel, or some of it "have felt". I have felt... that my sadness and lack of relationship with God is justified because he is/was doing such a poor job as my leader. That if he could see my sadness he would see the man he should be. That if only I had him leading me in spiritual matters, discussing the Bible with me, and the children, that together we would be growing SO close to the Lord, and that I NEED NEED NEED this. That is some twisted way my sadness and meloncholy punished him for not stepping up and being the man of God I "need" him to be. That I cannot be happy in this marraige if he is not becoming this man of God before my eyes in ways I can see. And to be honest, how can I happily submit to this man if I am searching the scriptures, praying about things and he is not? And that if only he were this spiritual leader I would be doing so well in my walk in the Lord, that I would be such a strong woman of God if he was a stronger man of GOd. Oy. I could go on and on. In the end, what I have been confronted with lately is that these are falsehoods, basically,.. excuses. Excuses for my lack of joy, for my lack of peace, for my lack of outpouring of love to my husband, lack of quiet time with the Lord, lack of time in the Word, lack of self control with my body/weight, lack of control over the house, etc. etc. what are some examples of things you are hearing from the Lord that you feel you can't implement because he is not agreeing? I have gone through all of this as far as no tv, healthy food, modest clothing, etc. Many many women do. Katie recently posted something on her blog about Moms and Dads doing things differently. Her wisdom has spilled over to so many areas of my life. Oftentimes I know that I, and many other women, feel not only that we are spiritually superior, but that all these graet convictions we are hearing for the Lord are the BEST thing for our families and that it is just a tragedy that we have to follow our husband's decision that goes against these convictions. What a sad thing if we got our way all the time. And it's funny because I know I always assume that since I feel I am getting this from the Lord, that it's not MY way, it's God's way. TV is bad, God believes it to be bad, so Clay is going against God by still wanting tv in our lives. Yunno, I am trying to learn for ME that when God wants to convict Clay of it then He will. For now, I have to see that God wants ME to limit my tv time, and my children as well. But this weekend Clay watched Star Wars with Frankie and it was so much fun for them, playing with light sabers while they watched, etc. If I had my way, that time would have been lost. MY way. Anyways. I am still in the grips of the same way you are feeling. I can't in all honesty say it is as simple as just deciding to be happy, though I feel it may be. I have people in my life say, just go to the gym, just write out a schedule and follow it, just let the things Clay does roll of my back, just be happy. And literally right at midnight (you can read my blog entry about it) God showed me that it isn't about choosing any of those things but choosing God. Choosing to stay in His Word, in prayer. Choosing time with Him everyday and the choices to do those other things will come easier. Your joy doesn't come from your husband but from God. Only through God will you find the peace in your submission."

It was as much to me as it was to the sweet lady I was responding to.  I think this problem is much more prevelant than is often discussed.  Over and over we hear many different Christian women struggling with their husband's not being the spiritual leader they wish that they were.  This is nothing new.  They are pained, they are having a hard time submitting properly, having a hard time not stepping up and taking their place.  Yet I never hear talk of the excuses we make as one of these struggling women.  I don't know that I would be as concerned about the spiritual life of my family if I was strong and on fire for God as I should be. I wouldn't be struggling as much with submitting to my "not so spiritual" (this is an example lol) hubby if I were in the Word and in prayer.  I don't feel that I am articulating myself as well as I wish.  But's it is time for women to stop using their husband's place at not being the "man of God" they wish he was as an excuse for the problems in their life, and with their children, and with their marraige.  Oy. Myself included.


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Jan. 2, 2006

Encouraged

A big thanks goes out right before bed to the sweet and incredibly inspiring Miss Tam.  Tonight she posted on her blog Tidbits of Our Lives and it proved to be such an encouragement and blessing to me.  Her post HERE for some reason just touched me deep.  I was one of those she talked about blogging in the last day about how everything is out of control, everything needs changing and I am in desperate need of time with the Lord.  She said the things even I said to myself.  The things I see women everywhere saying they know but can't seem to accomplish, but I encourage anyone to go read her great entry.  Somehow her gentle yet strong words that say "it will take time to make changes, but with God, giving him time every single morning and day you WILL be able to do it.  One day it will seem so much easier" was a huge comfort to me.  So I go off to bed hours and hours too late, will walk past all sorts of mess and a big pile of laundry as I go to bed, to see my 6 yo sleeping on the crib attached to the bed sprawled out on clean laundry LOL but feeling hopeful knowing that tomorrow is going to be started with some quiet time with the Lord.  Thanks sweet Miss Tam.  Thanks my wonderful Jesus for all the encouragement you are sending my way through these lovely godly women I haven't even met.  You are a good and amazingly merciful God.
  


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Jan. 2, 2006

Sleep, or lack thereof

Somehow I have gotten to where I stay up so late and sleep so late.  How did this happen?  This needs to change.  Clay wakes up SO so early for work.  He was waking up at 4 AM and now he tends to get up at 3 so he can have some computer time, and just general quiet time in the house before he leaves.  I am so ashamed that there are times that I am going to bed when he is waking up.  He kisses me goodnight as we pass by each other.  I miss going to bed with him.  There was a time I used to get up at 4 when he did and make his coffee, put his lunch in his car, start it to make it warm and toasty then go back to bed for an hour.  Sometimes I would even stay up and drink tea and read.  I truly feel that Proverbs says that waking early is a virtue.  I mean here it is 2AM and I am still up.  ARGH.  And Clay doesn't have to work tomorrow and he'll be up early and I'll miss a third of my day with him because I'll be asleep.  I have SO many things that need to change in my life but this sleep thing has got to be somewhere higher up on my priority list.  I think it's affecting my health, my relationship with Clay and it's affecting my children.  Their sleep schedule is all screwey.  Frankie wakes before I do, my mom feeds him breakfast and then he watches tv in my bedroom while Adric, Cassie and I sleep.  Cassie and Adric sleep until 10!!  I am just ashamed to say it outloud.  I have always had this dream of waking before the children, having some quiet time with the Lord and a cup of tea, waking them up with a smile and having them come out to breakfast going and Mom's open Bible on the table.  I am going to form a plan..  Half an hour a week.  Adric didn't fall asleep until midnight.  Cassie fell asleep only maybe half an hour before.  I'm not sure at what time I should have them all lay down.  I'm not sure if they should still take naps or not.  I keep trying to have Adric not take a nap so he will go to bed early but he always always passes out on the living room floor by 6.  So that plan isn't working.  I am thinking of laying them down at 10:00 with books and letting them read for 1/2 hour then lights out and see if I can have a week of them solidly being asleep by 11.  Jeez they are 2 and 4.  When life was simple in TN they all three went to bed at 8, sometimes 7:30.  Ha!  So this week will be the week of 11 o'clock.  So by mid February I should get them back to somewhere around a 8:30 bedtime.  I am still a tad unsure what time I will be trying to go to bed and get up.  I do need to be able to have time every night or sometime during the day (though I like night better) to work on my scrapbooking designs.  I need to be able to keep up that small business if we are ever going to be able to move back home.  Hmmm.. If they are in bed by 8:30, asleep by 8:30 I should be able to work until 10:30, have half an hour of quiet time with the Lord and be asleep at 11.  I could easily get up at 7 if I was in bed by 11.  Okay so I have a plan.  Tomorrow I will be in bed at midnight and read for half an hour.  12:30 am bedtime for tomorrow.  Ramblin Rose at it again.


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Jan. 1, 2006

Resolutions

Reading blogs today I realize so many of us feel the same way.  Blog after blog it seems I see the same thing.  We can't keep up.  Feeling like we just can't excel in any area of our lives.  This post by Susannah about Resolutions  is so much more eloquent than anything I could write and says exactly how I and so many feel.  Jesus is the answer.  He is the one that can help me to excel in the struggling areas in my life.  


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Dec. 31, 2005

Inadequate. or failure?

Okay.   Once again I sit here feeling just completely inadequate.  Do I have what it takes to be a good homekeeper?  A good wife?  Teacher? Christian in general?  I hope that as I sit here and work this all out it doesn't stay simply a pity party.  It might.  So another night with Clay ends up bad.  He gets annoyed I don't want to watch a slasher movie, I jump on the highest horse ever, berate him and he leaves to go to bed.  Alone.  I just can't go a day.  ONE day without somehow just being so rebellious, spiteful, demeaning, unsubmissive to my husband.  So every day I think this is the day. HA!  How many times have we all said that?  I have said it for everything in my life lately.  Every day is the new day.  The day.  But I just can't figure out why I fail for everything every single day.  That's what it feels like anyways.  Everyday is the day I am really going to commit.  Commit to tomato staking the littles.  Getting the house clean.  Treating Clay like the man my Jesus has chosen for me.  Not spending too much time on the computer.  Actually reading my Bible (shame washes over me).  That I will actually DO school (more shame).  That I will eat healthy.  And exercise.  And every single say none of these things are getting accomplished. Honestly my stomach is turning as I type this.  Like I am exposing myself as this huge failure.  As a huge hypocrite and fake.  I don't know how to not feel SO ashamed.  The house is a mess, the children have been on a break from school for months and months, I make Clay unhappy everyday, I am 70 lbs overweight, I am addicted to the computer, and feel like the biggest disappointment to my Jesus.  I want the best for my family.  I want to please Jesus.  How can I possibly, possibly raise children that love and serve Jesus with a mother that is the farthest thing from a good witness?

This is the place when I look at what I have written and feel worse.  Here everyday I check and read some of the incredible and inspiring blogs written by some amazing women of God.   Katie and Tam who have these huge fun families that never seem to complain about everything.  Who seem to have it all together.  Where am I going wrong?  I don't want to compare myself to these women I admire but I want what they seem to have.  I could ramble off this huge list of things - self control, joy, etc. etc.  Okay I suppose this is where I this rant hopefully turns away from being a pity party and some answers are found.  This list. The list of all the things that I see in the women in my life that I admire are...wait for it... the fruits of the spirit.  Oy.  I suppose the answer is THE answer.  My Jesus.  All the problems in my life can be traced back to my lack of relationship with Jesus. 

 *lightbulb goes off*

Okay so lately I have been making lists.  I love lists.  Now I never accomplish more than one thing on the lists, but I love making them, putting them in page protectors, filing them in pretty decorated home management binders. Yummy.  So I have been making the lists and suddenly the lists seem so unimportant.  The King of kings. The Lord of all areas my life.  He is the answer.

** I have a new list.  One goal for the week.  Spend time alone with the Lord every day this week.  Every day this year.  Literally as I typed this sentence it just turned midnight, just became 2006.  Maybe instead of starting a new day with a fleshly thing that is going to be started anew, a new thing to "do", I start a new year with God.  I start this year with my eyes turned to Him.  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you.


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Dec. 31, 2005

The odds and ends

Every single night I sit here and try to blog about the last weeks and for some reason I kept putting it off.  So the week before Christmas has come and gone, as has Christmas and the days following.  So of course things have happened, I've had thoughts, read good stuff, well I guess the same as everyone else lol.

Hmm where to start.  Went to my mom's big mega church for  "pre"Christmas service.  It was beautiful.  The "set" was gorgeous, the music was really great, and the service like always was pretty milky, mostly odd stories and jokes from the charismatic pastor.  As always I have little idea what it was about.  But... I made some interesting observations.  So I wore a floor length new blue dress with pretty flowers my mom got me.  It really is nice and pretty.  First nice and feminine thing I have gotten since I gained this weight.  And my long hair just in a headband (having been late and left with my hair wet).  So I show up at the church.  Now earlier in the year at my mom's prompting tried to see if this church would be good for our family.  We went to a church ministries fair where there were over 100 tents/booths for each of the church's ministries.  Now being me the first place I went to was the Women's Ministry.  I was interested in seeing what books they were studying, etc.  So I found what I expected as far as Beth Moore books, etc. (no flames, just what I expected).  Having just moved to CA from TN things and culture are admittedly different here.  Back home in TN I would at church functions find large groups of women looking all the same, the homeschool uniform as Clay calls it, we all know the look - denim jumpers, long braids.  I myself have often fallen in that category.  I like me a good jumper :)  But I found these women trying to be modest at most of the churches were very open and sweet.  So when I got to the women's booth once again I was faced with all the women looking the same.  But they were all in tight jeans, tops and had super short hair and lots of makeup.  All of them.  Okay so CA is different.  But the woman who came an talked to me was mean.  Really.  Being rude when I asked her about children being able to ever be involved in the women get togethers, etc.  Frankie was playing with a mini beach ball he had been given and I had to call him back when it rolled away.  Oh the look she shot him when he had to be rebuked for not listening.  Okay be short with me but don't give my son looks!  Anyways, so the women's ministry there just wasn't the open Titus 2 feeling I had hoped for.  So in general the only women wearing dresses at church are the very older women.  Okay off the tangent.  So I show up at church for the Christmas service.  I have never had this happen but I was getting all this attention from young girls.  Little girls turning and looking at me as they were walking away, turning around at me during church, etc.  It happened the whole service.  All the young girls in all the bleachers around me kept turning to look at me.  Honestly is it so different for these young girls these days to see a young mother with long hair in a long flowing feminine dress?  It is.  Young girls are drawn to feminine things, to pink, to ribbons, baby dolls, glitter, flowers.  They look at princesses with long flowing hair and crowns and think they are so beeaauutiful.  How sad that in this day and age young girls aren't seeing this beauty and softness from the grown women around them. 

And another thing I saw in church.  So throughout the service as always there were babies that grew restless and a tad loud.  But I am used to seeing so many mothers walking babies, sitting in nursing rooms, lobbies and a whole slew of mommies over on the side soothing little babies.  But all there were were daddies.  There were a lot of men holding baby bottles, walking toddlers around.  Okay okay don't get me wrong there is absolutely nothing wrong with daddies walking toddlers around.  But there were 30-40 men and ONE woman with her baby.  Are things just SO different here in CA?  Am I being oversensitive?  I dunno.  It just gave me a feeling. A "where are the mommies?" feeling.  It got me to wondering.  So often as women we are the ones striving to be more "spiritual".  Reading more books, being on Christian message boards, and wishing our husbands were more the man of God we "wish" he was.  I know many times earlier in my mommy days I grew resentful of all the times I had to take the baby out and miss the message (depended on the church we were in).  Rocking my baby in the lobby is just as holy as sitting listening to the service.  In a small way I was proud of the daddies for quieting the babies.  And in another way a bit ashamed that there was only one mommy with the babies. 

If you read this far can you say a quick prayer for my mother.  My mom has always been very very liberal. She believes in God but believes that God is a blanket term for everyone's version of God.  She has many friends of all different religions and views.  So she never believed that Jesus was the only way.  That meant that her friends if they chooes to continue to deny the deity of Christ would go to Hell.  And yet somehow through a friend she started going to this church.  It is serving her well.  She loves going, she goes to small groups each week, serves food to the homeless each week, and is studying her Bible every morning and night.  For the first time ever she says she is on the fence of whether or not the Bible is the infallible inspired Word of God.  Never has she seemed so open, so willing to even entertain the notion.  She feels there are still too many contradictions in the Bible.  Now since in the past in the infancy of my Christian walk all conversations got too heated, she is very wary of having theological discussions with me.  So I asked her to put together her concerns with the Bible and controdictions and I will pray and search the scriptures and get back to her when we can discuss it rationally.  So I need prayer that she will be open to God's voice as she searches these things out. 

Boy lots of ramblings and haven't even talked about Christmas. Later. 

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Dec. 21, 2005

Today I...

Someone posted this today and I wanted to make sure that I didn't forget it!!

Today I:
_ Hugged my child and told him, "I love you and God loves you." (Luke 15:20)
_Prayed specifically for my child.
_Listened carefully when my child wanted to talk. (Matthew 18:5)
_Read to my child. (Proverbs 4:1-4)
_Discussed God with my child (Deuteronomy 4:9-10)
_Expected obedience from my child. (1 Timothy 3:4)
_Exhibited patience with my child. (1 Corinthians 13:4)
_Sang or listened to music with my child. (Psalm 8:2)
_Spoke about his other parent with loving respect. (Colossians 3:18-19)
_Did not expect behavior beyond his age capabilities. (1 Corinthians 13:11)
_Punished his disobedience with appropriate measures. (Jeremiah 17:10)
_Helped my child learn something new about Jesus. (Luke 2:52)
_Encouraged my child to do something for someone else. (Galatians 6:10)
_Protected my child from evil and harmful influences. (1 Corinthians 13:6,7)
_Challenged and helped my child to do something he thought he could not do. (1 Thessalonians 5:14)
_ Did not punish my child when I was angry. (Psalm 103:8-14)
_Exhibited good manners for my child to model. (Matthew 7:9-12)
_Commended my child for a Christ-like quality. (Galatians 5:22-23)
_Read the Bible to my child. (2 Timothy 3:15)
_Prayed with my child. (Matthew 18:19-20)
_Modeled only the attributes I want my child to emulate. (1Comrinthians 4:16)
_Laughed with, not at, my child. (Romans 12:15)
_Thanked my child for something he did. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)
_Gave my child some responsibility. (Titus 3:14)
_Did not talk negatively about my child in his presence. (Proverbs 12:18)
_Praised and thanked my child more than I criticized him. (Proverbs 16:24)
_Asked my child's forgiveness when I was wrong. (James 4:6)
_Forgave my child immediately (2 Corinthians 2:7-8)
_Encouraged my child to trust God (Proverbs 3:5-6)
_Did not make a promise to my child that I cannot keep (Ecclesiasted 5:5)
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Dec. 20, 2005

Why is change so hard?

    Really.  Why is change so hard?  Why is it that when you've been stuck in a rut so long it seems impossible to get out?  Even when that rut feels like a nasty gutter and you'd cut off your right arm to get out?  Oy.  It seems right now like 95% of my life needs to be changed for the better.  Okay maybe that's an exaggeration but I did say "seems" right?  When I think back to when things were good I felt like things would never change and was so glad.  I mean back when I was cooking everything from scratch, devoted to eating healthy, making my own ww breads, muffins, etc. smmothies every morning, coconut oil everyday in food, on face, in hair, and on and on, I was sickened at the thought of eating mac and cheese and pizza, etc.  And here I am living with the whole family at moms and it now seems impossibe to get back there.  I used to eat a salad every single day for lunch for what I think was years.  And now I have eaten a salad what? once in months.  I used to get up at 7 every morning for a 4 1/2 mile walk, even in snow, even 9 months pregnant and now I'm 70 lbs overweight and horribly out of shape?  And on and on.  Clay helped me look through and sort all our books the other day and there were books like my sewing books and soap making books and it made me so sad to think I feel miles away from the things that used to make me so excited.  I'm sure we all have those things.  Well maybe not.  There are people in my life who are inspirations to me.  They just do it.  They want to learn to sew they do.  I used to be that person.  As a result I can do a little of everything, a jack of all trades if you will.  I can play guiter, do macrame, get by sewing, crochet, knit, bake, digital scrapbook, cook all raw meals, etc. etc.  And yet I sit here these days feeling so lazy.  Feeling that the days go by and I do nothing.  I truly feel so strongly that it is so far from what God wants me to do with my life.  He wants my time filled with children and work and reading and service and handicrafts, and so on.  Why is it so hard to change?  Even saying that God and I want these thigns it still feels impossible.  And that hurts my heart as I write it.  Should it feel impossible when a breath before I say God wants it for my life?  Shouldn't I feel hopeful and feel that all things are possible through my Jesus? 

And the feeling thing.  There are times when I long to feel.  When I ask God if I should be feeling something.  At times in the last 9 months things were so bad that I truly was broken.  So broken my life was broken, my spirit was broken, my smile was broken, my marraige was broken. All broken.  Yet I would pray to God - why don't I feel that broken spirit that you hear in sermons.  The one where you are so broken you cry out to God and then things change.  Is it a romanticised notion that I have conjured up through listening to men that I should feel a certain way?  I was broken yet that part of me that never feels acceptable or comfortable as me still could not truly let go to God because I didn;t feel the way it sounded like I should feel?  Still I struggle with this before God.  To think of my Jesus listening to me wonder if I am "feeling" the way I should feel when I talk to Him?  What pain and seperation I needlessly cause myself through my human insecurities.  I love my Jesus and He loves me.  There needn't be any special way to feel.  Sounds so incredibly foolish to me as I write all this.  So foolish that every part of me is screaming to just delete this whole paragraph.  And another thing, the feeling movement is sweeping churches too.  I admit many times I have been sucked into it.  Maybe my struggles have something to do with that.  The desire to conjure up a certain feeling through worship.  Music designed just to evoke a certain emotion.  To watch people searching for that feeling.  Just being with God doesn't need to be some trumped up emotion.  It can just be peace of being with Him.  And I realize now that I have bought into that garbage that to really be doing something I should "feel" some huge wave of emotion.  Just my brokenness was enough.  To think that even with the sobbing and pain I never thought I was truly broken before God.  Look at the changes he is starting to make in my life?  But BOY is change hard.  I suppose when it really comes down to it I am selling myself short.  All this woe is me garbage that nothing is changing? God is changing me.

He is.  He is SO GOOD and merciful that he has been making such huge changes in my life. How that 10 minutes ago I forgot is beyond me?  Things are still going a million times better with Clay and I.  It's been a couple weeks now of things being better.  God has brought Clay all these great home projects to play with instead of watching tv.  He has been so helpful.  The house is looking great.  The children are getting better.  And if it kills me I am going to try and use this sourdough starter I have made to make bread.  Maybe I will even make muffins tomorrow.  Man WHY is everything so much more expensive in CA?  My 5 gallon jug of Raw Honey in TN was $60 in season and $100 in the winter.  For a 5 gallon jug of honey here it 's like$250.  I think the second I finish this blog post I am going to search for honey farms around here and see if I can get a better deal than that.  Because that is just too much.  Well I haven't blogged in a few days and for some reason dreaded getting on here and spilling my feelings probably because I was feeling down.  Yet here I am at the end and the blog has served it's purpose.  To be a sounding board to me.  And I am left feeling hopeful.  Looking forward to laying down and continuing to pour out my feeling to a loving and wonderful God in the silence, away from this loud running dishwasher.  G'night.

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Dec. 16, 2005

It's Thursday, again.

    So another day has come and gone.  I really wish I was doing better.  Well at the house, etc.  Things are great really.  Clay is amazing.  How did we switch roles?  I used to be the one wanting the tv off, wanting to work around the house, and eating super healthy and he was the one who spent every waking minute with the tv on, who ate ice cream for a meal every day, etc  And here he is, this amazing man who has set himself up a workshop in the garage, who never wants to have the tv on, who rearranged and cleaned my mother's bedroom for her so it'll be all nice when she returns from her trip, who is all trim and fit.  He is becoming that man I had always nagged and pleaded for God annoying to change so I'd be happy.  And here I am wanting that infernal telelvision on every minute, with both computer and food addictions I am dealing with.  It is good though for God to show me that him changing was NOT in any way the key to my happiness like I had bet on.  But I must say that my hubby is one amazing guy.  He made a construction paper crown for Cassie tonight and cut out boxes and made robot costumes for all 3 children, AND he brought me another HUGE bookshelf and like 100 solid wooden stool seats.  I LOVE when he brings home work reject stuff!  What a great man he is growing to be.  I guess it's why I feel so much worse about the state of ME.  I was always the one doing so well, so high and mighty in the Lord (argh) and wishing he was "better".  I' m in one way very glad to have been knocked off that pedestal and I know in my heart that it will help me as a woman of God to realize these things.  But boy I also let it make me feel like so much more of a failure.  I wish I was the organized, healthy eating, fit, longing for the Word of God, consistant yet loving mother, doting wife, etc. etc. etc. I once was.  I just don't feel worthy of Clay being so amazing.  Though how many sermons to wives have I heard that said the same thing though?  That the best way to "change" your husband is to treat him so well that he feels undeserving that he falls to his knees before God and prays for God to change him.  That's how I feel.  How ironic after all the praying in years past that this would happen to Clay and it's me. 

The computer and tv.  Oh these darn things.  And food. I suppose when I really stop to look at it it isn't about these "things" at all.  It's self control and self discipline.  Plain and simple. At one point in my life when I was closer to God I didn't struggle with these things.  I had all of them, used all of them, but was able to have them all have their time.  Yet here I am with everything seeming out of my control.  I know it;s not but it sure seems that way. I feel on the brink though.  Why should it be a brink though?  I shouldn't have to be standing on the edge of the cliff!  I should be leaping off full force in faith.  I don't know what's holding me back. Sometimes I wonder if there is some reason I am doing these things.  I often have thought that maybe it was because they served as outward proof of how badly the issues with Clay's sickness hurt me.  Like my weight and depression were things I could hold over him for all that he had done.  Am I just a total nutjob?  Can I not jump off the cliff into freedom from these bondages because I haven't forgiven Clay fully?  Or is it because I want the attention of the fact that it has been so hard on ME?  Like I wear all I have been through as one big dysfunctional badge?  Maybe all of these things.  If this is true, as I am thinking maybe it is, then wow I have some healing that needs to be done.  I want to feel whole again.  I want to feel happy again.  And healthy again.  And like a good wife and mother again. 

All that said, I am really blessed.  I sit here thinking maybe this was all one big complaining session. In a way probably.  Yet I feel hopeful and thankful for this amazing family that I have.  These children are just amazing.  They are so smart and funny.  And hands down I have the best husband in the world.  And my Jesus is the most phenomenal and unspeakably loving God.  Thank you Jesus for all of it, trials and all.

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A walk. Not always an easy one. Not always a fun one. But one guided by my Jesus. One filled with littles, smiles, learning, struggles, pain and joy. A walk. My walk. His walk.

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