|
Dec. 16, 2005
It's Thursday, again.
So another day has come
and gone. I really wish I was doing better. Well at the
house, etc. Things are great really. Clay is amazing.
How did we switch roles? I used to be the one wanting the tv off,
wanting to work around the house, and eating super healthy and he was
the one who spent every waking minute with the tv on, who ate ice cream
for a meal every day, etc And here he is, this amazing man who
has set himself up a workshop in the garage, who never wants to have
the tv on, who rearranged and cleaned my mother's bedroom for her so
it'll be all nice when she returns from her trip, who is all trim and
fit. He is becoming that man I had always nagged and pleaded for
God annoying to change so I'd be happy. And here I am wanting
that infernal telelvision on every minute, with both computer and food
addictions I am dealing with. It is good though for God to show
me that him changing was NOT in any way the key to my happiness like I
had bet on. But I must say that my hubby is one amazing
guy. He made a construction paper crown for Cassie tonight and
cut out boxes and made robot costumes for all 3 children, AND he
brought me another HUGE bookshelf and like 100 solid wooden stool
seats. I LOVE when he brings home work reject stuff! What a
great man he is growing to be. I guess it's why I feel so much
worse about the state of ME. I was always the one doing so well,
so high and mighty in the Lord (argh) and wishing he was
"better". I' m in one way very glad to have been knocked off that
pedestal and I know in my heart that it will help me as a woman of God
to realize these things. But boy I also let it make me feel like
so much more of a failure. I wish I was the organized, healthy
eating, fit, longing for the Word of God, consistant yet loving mother,
doting wife, etc. etc. etc. I once was. I just don't feel worthy
of Clay being so amazing. Though how many sermons to wives have I
heard that said the same thing though? That the best way to
"change" your husband is to treat him so well that he feels undeserving
that he falls to his knees before God and prays for God to change
him. That's how I feel. How ironic after all the praying in
years past that this would happen to Clay and it's me.
The computer and tv. Oh these darn things. And food. I
suppose when I really stop to look at it it isn't about these "things"
at all. It's self control and self discipline. Plain and
simple. At one point in my life when I was closer to God I didn't
struggle with these things. I had all of them, used all of them,
but was able to have them all have their time. Yet here I am with
everything seeming out of my control. I know it;s not but it sure
seems that way. I feel on the brink though. Why should it be a
brink though? I shouldn't have to be standing on the edge of the
cliff! I should be leaping off full force in faith. I don't
know what's holding me back. Sometimes I wonder if there is some reason
I am doing these things. I often have thought that maybe it was
because they served as outward proof of how badly the issues with
Clay's sickness hurt me. Like my weight and depression were
things I could hold over him for all that he had done. Am I just
a total nutjob? Can I not jump off the cliff into freedom from
these bondages because I haven't forgiven Clay fully? Or is it
because I want the attention of the fact that it has been so hard on
ME? Like I wear all I have been through as one big dysfunctional
badge? Maybe all of these things. If this is true, as I am
thinking maybe it is, then wow I have some healing that needs to be
done. I want to feel whole again. I want to feel happy
again. And healthy again. And like a good wife and mother
again.
All that said, I am really blessed. I sit here thinking maybe
this was all one big complaining session. In a way probably. Yet
I feel hopeful and thankful for this amazing family that I have.
These children are just amazing. They are so smart and
funny. And hands down I have the best husband in the world.
And my Jesus is the most phenomenal and unspeakably loving God.
Thank you Jesus for all of it, trials and all.
|
| • Post A Comment! • Send to a Friend!
|
Comments
|
|
|
|
Dec. 17, 2005 - That took a lot of courage to write
Blessing to you on your walk.