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Dec. 20, 2005
Why is change so hard?
Really. Why is
change so hard? Why is it that when you've been stuck in a rut so
long it seems impossible to get out? Even when that rut feels
like a nasty gutter and you'd cut off your right arm to get out?
Oy. It seems right now like 95% of my life needs to be changed
for the better. Okay maybe that's an exaggeration but I did say
"seems" right? When I think back to when things were good I felt
like things would never change and was so glad. I mean back when
I was cooking everything from scratch, devoted to eating healthy,
making my own ww breads, muffins, etc. smmothies every morning, coconut
oil everyday in food, on face, in hair, and on and on, I was sickened
at the thought of eating mac and cheese and pizza, etc. And here
I am living with the whole family at moms and it now seems impossibe to
get back there. I used to eat a salad every single day for lunch
for what I think was years. And now I have eaten a salad what?
once in months. I used to get up at 7 every morning for a 4 1/2
mile walk, even in snow, even 9 months pregnant and now I'm 70 lbs
overweight and horribly out of shape? And on and on. Clay
helped me look through and sort all our books the other day and there
were books like my sewing books and soap making books and it made me so
sad to think I feel miles away from the things that used to make me so
excited. I'm sure we all have those things. Well maybe
not. There are people in my life who are inspirations to
me. They just do it. They want to learn to sew they
do. I used to be that person. As a result I can do a little
of everything, a jack of all trades if you will. I can play
guiter, do macrame, get by sewing, crochet, knit, bake, digital
scrapbook, cook all raw meals, etc. etc. And yet I sit here these
days feeling so lazy. Feeling that the days go by and I do
nothing. I truly feel so strongly that it is so far from what God
wants me to do with my life. He wants my time filled with
children and work and reading and service and handicrafts, and so
on. Why is it so hard to change? Even saying that God and I
want these thigns it still feels impossible. And that hurts my
heart as I write it. Should it feel impossible when a breath
before I say God wants it for my life? Shouldn't I feel hopeful
and feel that all things are possible through my Jesus?
And the feeling thing. There are times when I long to feel.
When I ask God if I should be feeling something. At times in the
last 9 months things were so bad that I truly was broken. So
broken my life was broken, my spirit was broken, my smile was broken,
my marraige was broken. All broken. Yet I would pray to God - why
don't I feel that broken spirit that you hear in sermons. The one
where you are so broken you cry out to God and then things
change. Is it a romanticised notion that I have conjured up
through listening to men that I should feel a certain way? I was
broken yet that part of me that never feels acceptable or comfortable
as me still could not truly let go to God because I didn;t feel the way
it sounded like I should feel? Still I struggle with this before
God. To think of my Jesus listening to me wonder if I am
"feeling" the way I should feel when I talk to Him? What pain and
seperation I needlessly cause myself through my human
insecurities. I love my Jesus and He loves me. There
needn't be any special way to feel. Sounds so incredibly foolish
to me as I write all this. So foolish that every part of me is
screaming to just delete this whole paragraph. And another thing,
the feeling movement is sweeping churches too. I admit many times
I have been sucked into it. Maybe my struggles have something to
do with that. The desire to conjure up a certain feeling through
worship. Music designed just to evoke a certain emotion. To
watch people searching for that feeling. Just being with God
doesn't need to be some trumped up emotion. It can just be peace
of being with Him. And I realize now that I have bought into that
garbage that to really be doing something I should "feel" some huge
wave of emotion. Just my brokenness was enough. To think
that even with the sobbing and pain I never thought I was truly broken
before God. Look at the changes he is starting to make in my
life? But BOY is change hard. I suppose when it really
comes down to it I am selling myself short. All this woe is me
garbage that nothing is changing? God is changing me.
He is. He is SO GOOD and merciful that he has been making such
huge changes in my life. How that 10 minutes ago I forgot is beyond
me? Things are still going a million times better with Clay and
I. It's been a couple weeks now of things being better. God
has brought Clay all these great home projects to play with instead of
watching tv. He has been so helpful. The house is looking
great. The children are getting better. And if it kills me
I am going to try and use this sourdough starter I have made to make
bread. Maybe I will even make muffins tomorrow. Man WHY is
everything so much more expensive in CA? My 5 gallon jug of Raw
Honey in TN was $60 in season and $100 in the winter. For a 5
gallon jug of honey here it 's like$250. I think the second I
finish this blog post I am going to search for honey farms around here
and see if I can get a better deal than that. Because that is
just too much. Well I haven't blogged in a few days and for some
reason dreaded getting on here and spilling my feelings probably
because I was feeling down. Yet here I am at the end and the blog
has served it's purpose. To be a sounding board to me. And
I am left feeling hopeful. Looking forward to laying down and
continuing to pour out my feeling to a loving and wonderful God in the
silence, away from this loud running dishwasher. G'night.
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Dec. 20, 2005 - Untitled Comment
I could write a book on the similarities- but I won't bore you. But, I have often wondered if I was ADD or something. Because while others pick up on good habits (eating right, home made crafts, sewing ,etc. ) I flit from idea to idea like a butterfly.
Remember God was not in the strong wind, or the earthquake, or the fire - He was in the gentle wind. (I Kings 19:11-12)
Blessings,
Deb