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Dec. 31, 2005
Inadequate. or failure?
Okay. Once again I sit here feeling just completely inadequate. Do I have what it takes to be a good homekeeper? A good wife? Teacher? Christian in general? I hope that as I sit here and work this all out it doesn't stay simply a pity party. It might. So another night with Clay ends up bad. He gets annoyed I don't want to watch a slasher movie, I jump on the highest horse ever, berate him and he leaves to go to bed. Alone. I just can't go a day. ONE day without somehow just being so rebellious, spiteful, demeaning, unsubmissive to my husband. So every day I think this is the day. HA! How many times have we all said that? I have said it for everything in my life lately. Every day is the new day. The day. But I just can't figure out why I fail for everything every single day. That's what it feels like anyways. Everyday is the day I am really going to commit. Commit to tomato staking the littles. Getting the house clean. Treating Clay like the man my Jesus has chosen for me. Not spending too much time on the computer. Actually reading my Bible (shame washes over me). That I will actually DO school (more shame). That I will eat healthy. And exercise. And every single say none of these things are getting accomplished. Honestly my stomach is turning as I type this. Like I am exposing myself as this huge failure. As a huge hypocrite and fake. I don't know how to not feel SO ashamed. The house is a mess, the children have been on a break from school for months and months, I make Clay unhappy everyday, I am 70 lbs overweight, I am addicted to the computer, and feel like the biggest disappointment to my Jesus. I want the best for my family. I want to please Jesus. How can I possibly, possibly raise children that love and serve Jesus with a mother that is the farthest thing from a good witness?
This is the place when I look at what I have written and feel worse. Here everyday I check and read some of the incredible and inspiring blogs written by some amazing women of God. Katie and Tam who have these huge fun families that never seem to complain about everything. Who seem to have it all together. Where am I going wrong? I don't want to compare myself to these women I admire but I want what they seem to have. I could ramble off this huge list of things - self control, joy, etc. etc. Okay I suppose this is where I this rant hopefully turns away from being a pity party and some answers are found. This list. The list of all the things that I see in the women in my life that I admire are...wait for it... the fruits of the spirit. Oy. I suppose the answer is THE answer. My Jesus. All the problems in my life can be traced back to my lack of relationship with Jesus.
*lightbulb goes off*
Okay so lately I have been making lists. I love lists. Now I never accomplish more than one thing on the lists, but I love making them, putting them in page protectors, filing them in pretty decorated home management binders. Yummy. So I have been making the lists and suddenly the lists seem so unimportant. The King of kings. The Lord of all areas my life. He is the answer.
** I have a new list. One goal for the week. Spend time alone with the Lord every day this week. Every day this year. Literally as I typed this sentence it just turned midnight, just became 2006. Maybe instead of starting a new day with a fleshly thing that is going to be started anew, a new thing to "do", I start a new year with God. I start this year with my eyes turned to Him. Thank you Jesus. Thank you.
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Posted by
Jan. 1, 2006 - You are not alone!
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I could've written your post! I'd only need to change the names! I feel like an absolute failure as a wife and mother most of the time!
But you've discovered the most important thing on the never-ending-to-do list...spending time with HIM. Thank God that we can start over...starting NOW! May God bless you in this NEW year!
Thanks for being so "real"...I needed it!
Laura