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Dec. 11, 2005
Sunday Ramblings
So blogging again. Seems like a
good night despite having yelled once or twice at the littles and
getting annoyed with hubby right before he fell asleep. But I sit
here, tv off (a huge need of mine right now) listening to Klove
Christian Radio typing out my menu, planning my day tomorrow. It
feels good. It feels hopeful. I feel more like the person I
once was. The person who took pride in her calling as a wife,
mother and general missionary to my family. I saw a siggy in a
blog that said Missionary to (insert family name) serving God to those
closest to my heart and home. Or something like that. It
ust stuck with me. I mean so many times I have heard it said that
we are ministering to our family. But it just never could feel
real. I want that to be real in my life. I want to have a
servant's heart. Boy it all seems SO far away.
Really. So many things I wish I was, so many things I wish I did
or did better. The list is endless. I guess ultimately it't
this list that is why I need Jesus so much. I never will on my
own be a good person. On my own I will never be able to truly
honor my husband or raise children that love God. I will never be
organized or lose weight, or not be a jealous person or be a good
friend. There is just TOO much of me that if flawed. I
could spend 100 lifetimes working on myself and never would measure
up.
But I sit here trying to have faith. Have
faith that God is working in me. That my Jesus is working on this
vessel and will keep smoothing out the wrinkles. I feel
hopeful. I had forgot what hope felt like. I felt so far in
the darkness that it seemed impossible to get out.
On
a side note. Funny how things work. The second you feel
like you are doing well, something proves how far you have to go.
Just as I wrote that I felt so good and hopeful and.. I sat here
unwrapping a little chocolate. So I hear the voice, that voice,
the one you NEED to obey and I often don't. And it says I
shouldn't eat the little chocolate. SO what do I do? I
unwrap it and put it in my mouth. Even pondering mentioning my
Woe is Me chocolate disobedience here on the blog. SO I spit it out
LOL. Not that I feel any better having disobeyed. I know, I
know, such a little thing. But it's the little things in my life
where I really need to find the strength in Jesus to obey and listen to
the Holy Spirit. So I start again. Now.
So Frankie
asked me about missionaries today. Don't know how it happened
since in all honesty Jesus hasn't been on Clay or I's lips as he should
be. But I talked to him and saw a little spark of interest.
He in the end told me it was like being a superhero that through the
power of Jesus could save people from hell. I just got my new
Voice of the Martyrs in the mail today so I think we are going to read
through it and try in all my books to find a book about a missionary to
wherever is talked about in the VOM. Finally I get to open my
great score I got from the Well Trained Mind Board. A HUGE box of
almost all of the Heroes of the Faith books! There are like 45
books in the box, brand new, and I spent what $25-30? Less than
$1 a piece! I love them and I am so glad that in the move I have
them in the house where I can find them. I need to make sure and
pray about this opportunity to fuel that little Superhero for Jesus.
So we are starting to listen to the Narnia books from Focus on the
Family again. Honestly their dramatized version is truly
amazing. Great voices, acting, sounds, music, everything is just
phenomenal. Worth every penny if you are debating it. I
don't know that we will be letting the children, or Frankie really, see
it. Clay wants to go see it first and see what we think.
That made me feel good since I have always felt that burden for him to
want to protect the children's hearts. But just in case he thinks
it's okay, I want them to have listened to them over and over and know
the story backwards and forwards again like the last time we listened
to them. We did watch a couple making of Narnia shows last night
and it looks great. At least they tried to stay true to the
book. Something I read online said that the last people that
owned the rights to the book had wanted to take out all sorts of
crucial stuff to remove all concept of the Christ allegory in it.
Boy that would have ruined it.
It really hurts me that I have
been such a horrible wife to Clay for so long. I have been so
mean and hurtful and disobedient and ugly for so long that I can see
him struggle to see anything true in my attempt to be nicer.
Though we did hang out watching tv and laughed a lot last night which
was just perfect. But today I was trying to be nice despite all
sorts of things he was doing that normally makes me crazy and finally
something got me a tad upset. I can see his hurt over all that
has happened as one little bit of anger on my part and he feels I have
been nippy all day. Suddenly a good morning turns into I have
been like that all day. Later he realizes that wasn't true, but
it is all my past behavior that makes it hard to ever feel like I am
happy for more than 5 minutes. It seems like it will take so long
for his heart to heal from it all. But boy do I love him.
Boy. I have started reading Created To Be His Helpmeet again at
night. I loved reading about being his playmate. I have
always been silly at times and love playing around with the
all-to-serious Clay. And he usually finds amusement in it
all. It was hard for me today to see that he has become so jaded
with me that he seems to dislike the playing. It did hurt.
Later I nicely asked him if he would pray about it. If he would
pray about why he seems to have lost the twinkle tha the would have
about my playfulness. Yunno for the first time in a long time I
asked him to pray about something without all the hidden agendas of
wanting him to be a better leader or father or husband. It was
about healing. I can't explain the little bit of freedom I had
for the first time in years over talking to him about something like
that without hidden motives. God is good. I pray Lord that
you can take those motives and agendas from me and replace them with
longing to glorify you in this marraige, not the desire to serve myself
and better him for me.
So again, off to iron shirts and write notes and work on the to do list I should already have done.
Menu
Monday: Breakfast: Cereal, (eggs, toast & orange for Mom) Lunch: Salad Dinner: Chicken Enchildas Tuesday: Breakfast: Fruit Salad Lunch: Veggies and Dip & Cheese Avocado Sandwich Dinner: Falafels Wednesday: Breakfast: Oatmeal Lunch: leftover Falafels Dinner: Spaghetti and Turkey Meatballs Thursday: Breakfast: Eggs and Toast Lunch: Sandwich and Baby Carrots Dinner: Lettuce Wraps Friday: Breakfast: Cereal Lunch: Salad Dinner: Italian Dressing Chicken and Rice Saturday: Breakfast: If Dad home, pancakes, otherwise, Oatmeal and Oranges Lunch: Leftovers Dinner: Taco Pasta Sunday: Breakfast: Bacon (Daddy’s home!) Eggs, and Toast Lunch: Leftover Taco Pasta Dinner: Taco Potatoes
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Dec. 9, 2005
My reminder
Just a quick reminder for myself that I
want to do a Things To Do List and a gratitude journal everyday.
Hmmm, does this show ya'll that I would TOTALLY forget if I didn't
write myself a note? I'm ashamed to say I would. Hey, no
I'm not, I'm proud I know that I should write a note. Optimism
right? Well I'm trying.
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Dec. 8, 2005
The day begins
I really hate that I
have gotten my sleep schedule so messed up. For the longest time
I tried to get to where I got up early in the morning before the
littles got up. When Clay got sick and the depression started
inevitably lack of sleep came with it. I let my computer time
digitally scrapbooking, etc. fill the void that I should have let God
be filling. I stayed up all night on the computer. While in
some ways it really helped me to have something creative as an
outlet. But now I find I stay up until 2AM and want to sleep
until 10. What a horrible mother I feel like to have the children
piled in the bed watching tv while mom lays in bed. I so want my
children to wake in the morning, or goodness be woken up by mom, and
find breakfast going and mom dressed with her Bible out and a yummy cup
of tea. Sometimes I wonder if visions like this help fuel my
sense of failure I often feel. So often I let myself feel like a
failure instead of a work in progress. Does my Jesus look at me
like a failure? No, he sees my potential, he sees the vessel
being formed. So often I think so many of us let ourselves feel
like failures instead of starting over moment by moment knowing it's
part of God's process of making me into the woman of God he wants me to
be.
So the day begins. Maybe not as I would have hoped, but begins
nonetheless. So despite telling myself I would go to bed early,
it was a 2AM kind of night anyways. But hey, I do give myself
points for having cleaned sparkling both bathrooms while I stayed up
instead of designing on the computer. But if Clay hadn't been on
the computer all night, would I have been cleaning the bathroom?
Hmmm... So I made oatmeal, which was SO good and the children
were happy to have Mommy making things like normal like in TN.
Since we have moved here with my mom, our eating habits have just
gotten worse and worse. Back home in my little dream home in the
woods in TN, we ate salads everyday and I ground my own wheat for bread
and made everything from scratch. I was losing weight, I was
getting healthier everyday. Now I live with someone who brings
home pieces of cake and buys cases of macaroni and cheese. It has
been so difficult for me to stand up to my mother on these
things. Why? But I want it to be better. I think we
are going to start being in control of our own groceries, and of course
that will make things easier with the food. Up until now my mom
was buying most of the food, and we just paid her. The financial
situation with her has got to change, it is causing too many
problems. So anyways I have been poking around the computer for a
couple hours instead of lighting a fire under me. At least
(excuses excuses) I have returned to message boards and sites that are
edifying and am finding fellowship with likeminded ladies again online
instead of just non stop scrapbooking stuff. It has really been
huge for me. For the first time in months and months I am
thinking of things of the Lord instead of my thoughts constantly being
filled with designing.
OH! Blessing! I found my old homekeeping notebook. I
found it late late last night. I was so happy. I haven't
opened it and looked at it but I just yesterday said I couldn't find it
and had to start over. All my flylady info is in there. My
lists, great articles, and on and on. I can't wait to sit and
look it all over. Last night I did make my priorities list and
did a Things to Do list for myself. I found it really interesting
to make a To Do list starting with God instead of trying to knock out
everything around I felt burdened with. And to have a list of
things to do to bless Clay too. I really felt great coming up
with things to bless Clay. So far the CLay list was:
do a load of laundry for him
leave a note in with his socks
put sodas in the fridge
make a chocolate pecan pie (he's been asking for one)
set up his coffee maker
organize his bathroom drawer
clean the computer desk
take a shower/shave legs
So not much in the study Clay mission, but still things to do. I
hope one day I grow to know him so well that I will have a list a mile
long to choose from. Of course I hope that most of them start to
just become second nature and the need for the list will dwindle.
But oh that seems years in the future.
I suppose I need to get started on the list today. Loads to
do. It seemed like too much last night but I felt so
motivated. But now it's noon and I haven't started. Off to
work through the list for the glory of God.
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Dec. 6, 2005
It begins
Well I have decided to
start a new blog. I don't know that I will ever be an inspiration to
anyone. I don't
know that I have anything to give anyone really. Things are such
a
struggle right now. A couple of days ago I posted on a board
about how
I just feel so overwhelmed. Since I found out about Clay's
sickness in
March, I let everything go. I spent SO long having to keep all
the
balls in the air, to carry every burden of our family alone that when
Clay got well, I felt like I just was too tired to carry that burden,
or keep a single ball in the air. SO everything just went.
I gained
70 lbs since March, I let this house get more out of control than
anything I have ever let before, I let the children run wild and my
once happy tomato staking pretty obedient children were so out of
control I didn't want to take them anywhere. I was a horrible
wife with a husband who hardly talked to me anymore.
So I am starting over. God is so good. Things aren't
perfect. I still have a long ways to go but in the last few days
things have been so much better than they have been in so long.
It is amazing how just deciding to make some changes really can make
changes. It always felt like there were so many things that
needed to be changed that I didn't know where to start. And
actually my distant husband was the one who really started the ball
rolling. He came home and instead of watching tv and being asleep
within an hour or two, he came home and stayed up late cleaning the
whole pig sty of a bathroom for me spotless. Then he started on
the garage, even buying some shelves for the bulk foods like I had
suggested months ago. Then one night we talked. He doesn't
talk. Yet he talked. And he wants to help me write out a
schedule so he can know how to help and point out problems he
sees. He wants to watch the children in the evening so I can go
the gym and feel better. He let me cry and spill everything
without getting annoyed with my tears. He offered to go to a
Christian counselor with me if I needed it. God truly is so good
and worked miracles this week. So today I decided to keep the
children with me again. We cleaned the whole school room
spotless, we cooked dinner together, we played a board game and had hot
cider, and we had lots of spanks, but their attitudes, my attitude was
better than ever. I sit here thinking for the first time since
March probably that today was a good day. And tomorrow will be a
good day. God is working miracles in my life.
I can't find my homekeeper notebook since we moved. I can't find
anything really. But I can't find it. I need it. I
hardly ever used it when I made it because I never wanted it on the
counter or anything. But I need it. I am making it part of
my prayer life to pray for the Lord to help me become more
organized. There are so many things I pray the Lord will work out
over the course of my life lol. I was really inspired by Tam's
Things to Do List according to the priorities of her life. I
always made To Do lists and never, not once did I do this. Funny
how something that seem SO obvious never crosses my mind. Like
her "study" of her husband and his needs. This is so profound to
me for some reason. Clay is definitely a man that lets things
roll of his back. He also, being one of the most controlled
person I have ever met when it comes to expressing emotion, pushes
everything down inside. I am always so inspired by his ability to
control himself while I am so overly emotional. God is so amazing
that he brought these two opposite people together to inspire each
other to be better people He never, or hardly ever, tells me
something is making him upset, he just gets distant. But he
THRIVES on the little things in life that I do for him. And
lately I do so little. Years ago I used to write him little notes
with Bible verses and tape them to his lunch so he would read them at
work. He never mentioned he cared for them much, but one day I
overheard him bragging about it to another man. I am making it a
mission of mine, truly a mission to search out the things that honor
and bless my hubby. Firstly it is to always have clean laundry
for him. This seems like such an easy basic thing, but the way my
life is right now, he started doing his own laundry a couple months ago
because I wasn't keeping on top of his laundry. Poor guy. At
least I have been ironing him a shirt for work everyday for a few
months now. That is very important to him too. So laundry,
first on the list. Thank you Tam for helping me remember that
Clay is high on my priority list. A ways back, over a year ago I spent
a while praying every night for God to show me how to love my husband,
how to truly love him. God knows how we can honor our husbands in
ways we never would have thought of.
Reading Katie's blog she had an entry about letting Dad's be Dad's here
: It moved me to tears. I think we've all done it. "No
honey, he likes it better like this.." "If you don't pull the
diaper tighter it will leak" OY. What a blessing it will be to my
children if I let their Daddy be a Daddy. If I let him treat them
the way God knew he would without my guidance. To give him the
freedom to be who he is with them, instead of what I want him to
be. I already feel this will be life changing around here and no
one has been awake to test it :)
I have been doing a scrap blog about scrapbooking, my designs for the
store, etc. but it has been less than satisfying. It has felt
like work. And for some reason, and I need to pray about this
some, I just don't feel that as an advertisement for my products
(scrapblogs for designers tend to be) that I can or should talk about
my life. I know some do and I tried but none of the designers
scrapblogs ever seem to mention God in any way except maybe a quick
passing sentence here or there. And of courseI don't feel it safe
to talk about things that are very controversial in certain circles
like Biblical discipline in an industry that knows my real name, and
having seen pictures of my children. So while pictures of them
are in my scrap gallery, etc. I have decided that it is in the best
interest of my family to make a distinct line between talking about
scrapping stuff and my life.
It is hard for some reason. I have really had to start
reevaluating why I do this designing. I really love it. I
do. And it makes us a good side income, it really does. And
having talked to Clay he thinks I should keep doing it for these
reasons as long as I can learn to time manage better and not get so
sucked in. I really think he likes that I have a small home based
business that helps the family (Okay it will help after we buy the new
camera lol). But in many ways it feels like an obsession. I
have started dealing with that feeling and cutting back, setting some
rules about when I can and do any designing or scrapping, and I feel
hopeful that I can get myself out of the longing to do it all the
time. But the other part I am struggling with is the
business/industry part. I have never been in any real life
business situations and went into this SO naive about the workings of
the business world. And going into an industry where pretty much
everyone is a SAHM that has found a fun and lucrative passion.
And really that is how I am. I thought despite being a business,
we would all still be helpful, etc. because we are in the same boat,
similar backgrounds and well.. I have found that people can be so
competitive and cutthroat. I just don't feel cut out for it
all. I am praying that the Lord will help me to be free of the
feelings of competition that these other designers bring out in
me. I want to just enjoy what I am doing because truly it is
fun. I want to just do it, enjoy it, and happen to make some
money. And help out the family in some way. I think staying
away from the scrap message boards more and returning like the prodigal
son to my other Christian boards that helped me so much over the course
of the years. It is helping.
I wonder if I will post any of my scrapbook pages here as I blog? Time will tell. It is such a part of me.
Well blog entry number one. It's almost midnight and I need to
iron a shirt, set up Clay's coffee, make his lunch and breakfast, write
him a note, write out a To do list for tomorrow, switch out the
laundry, and if I am still awake, finish the kitchen. Wow I need
to go to bed earlier.
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