Many years ago, my marriage was in a tough place.  There were many tears shed over my feelings of failure over my marriage.  My husband and I seemed like two ships passing through the night.  I was then given an amazing gift - a word from the Lord. 

For your Maker is you husband - the Lord Almighty is his name-    Isaiah 54:5

I was able at that point to turn to the Lord for all the things I thought my husband should be doing for me.  I recieved intimacy, love, affection, afirmation - all from the Lord!  What an amazing place that was to finally be sitting in.  I released my husband from any and all expectations I had put on him to be the intimate lover of my soul.   I freed him to love me the way he could and whatever he could do was more than enough because my "love bucket" had been filled to overflowing by Christ. 

Since those years of struggle, God has restored my marriage to a place of true healing and closeness.  But, there are still days that I go back to that passage of scripture to remind myself who my husband truly is.

Recently, I have been faced with a different struggle - this time with friendships.  Almost all my closest friends within the last few years have moved away.  Some made large moves, some made moves in thier schooling that caused natural distances.  I thought I was OK with this - and for a year I have been marching ahead with my life - until it hit me how lonely I was a few weeks ago.  I longed for that tight fellowship with my girlfriends.  I yearned for a long cup of coffee, laughter and meaningful conversation.  I just wasn't getting what I needed.

So, I have had a pity party for myself.  I have been moping around the house - poor me, I have no one to really talk to, no one who really knows me.  I finally broke down and cried to my best freind (over the phone) how hard it has been for me that she has moved out of my life.  Through our conversation I was able to admit that I had made the Lord my husband, but I had failed to make Him my best friend.

Praise God, that my friend, my sister was able to point me to the truest friend I will ever know - Jesus.  She led me to Song Of Solomon - chapter 5:16.  She taught me about how these chapters are describing the love relationship between the bridegroom (Jesus) and the bride (me).  In this verse, the bride is actively searching out her bridegroom, desperate to be in his presence again.  She describes him with these words, "This is my lover, this is my friend..."

What power these words spoke to my heart!  It was just what God had revealed to me that I had failed to do - I had failed to let God be my friend. 

So, today, I am grateful that His mercies are renewed daily and I have the chance to come to the throne of God searching for my best friend.  

"I am so isolated this year," I grumbled as I sat down at my kitchen table with my Bible and a cup of coffee.  I stared for a minute out the window.  Snow again!  That just added to my sour mood.

This year I made a big change in my routine; instead of being in a group of mature Christian women for my weekly Bible study, I am now surrounded by brand new believers and many women who have never cracked a Bible in their lives.  Over the summer, I really heard the Lord telling me to move into this new ministry in our church that was aimed at mothers.  He set a passion in my heart and a desire to encourage these new moms in Christ. 

To my surprise, I was asked to fill a position within the ministry that would have me "over see" 12 small group leaders (shepherds - we call them).  I get to pray for and with them, teach them, encourage them and visit with them through the year.  After some prayer over the matter, I felt this opportunity was from God and I needed to be obedient. Part of my job that I love is to lead a "huddle" each morning before the study begins.  In these huddles I encourage the shepherds and pray for them.  What a joy that has been.    What I hadn't thought through was how lonely it would be.

No longer do I have those incredibly challenging discussions where women are sharing what the Lord taught them that week.  Now I sit in a circle with 90% of the moms saying they didn't have time to read their Bibles this week.  No longer am I enganged in heart changing prayer times of praise, confession and thanksgiving.  Now I am the only one willing to pray out loud.  No longer am I with a woman who will hold me accountable for my pride and my lying tongue.  Now, just the word "accountability" will send the women running for the door.

So, I have been enganged in a bit of a pity party the last few weeks.  Poor me - I am not being "fed".  The Lord has spoken to me a few times this week, through Oswald Chambers, Anne Graham Lotz, and Jill Briscoe, to say just because I "feel" isolated does not give me the right to grumble and complain about my situation.  I must keep following Jesus. So, that's what I intend to to.

Back to this morning.  I sit down with my steaming cup of joe - open my Bible to Acts to begin a new study I bought over the weekend, when the phone rings.  I LOVE caller ID!!  I look at the name - I recognized it as one of my shepherds.  I haven't talked much with this particular woman; she is very shy and we are usually heading in different directions when we run into each other.  I hesitated - "I really want to just do my study and enjoy my coffee." But, I answered, hoping it would be a quick question. 

"Traci?  This is Paula.  I wanted to share something with you, do you have a moment?"

"Sure - what's up?"

Paula goes on to tell me how she was so moved by a scripture verse I referenced during yesterday's huddle.  It was Psalm 8:2, "From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praises because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger."  I had used this verse when a friend was holding my 4 month old as he babbled away while we were trying to pray.  Little did I know that it was just what Paula needed to hear.

Paula has a miracle baby - you know, that child that was never supposed to come (you're too old to have a baby), the one that was supposed to have problems (you are at such high risk, are you sure you want to continue with this pregnancy?), the one that would never talk (it looks like there may be some developmental delays).  But Paula remained faithful and has loved her daughter no matter what!

A year ago, Paula took her baby girl into the sactuary at chruch - it was dark, no one was in there - and as soon as that little girl looked at the pulpit, she began "singing"!  That baby was singing a hymn of praise to God!  Paula said, "She knew that God was there and she wanted to praise Him with all her might."

Paula had never heard that verse before and when I so casually used it to humorously explain my son's babbling, she was overcome with emotion.  Her mind went back to that day in the sanctuary and it was as if God was affirming for her that yes, that baby was praising God.  Paula thanked me for sharing that verse with her and this morning she had some quiet time to meditate upon it. 

That phone call was a true gift.  I am not alone, I am still part of the body of Christ.  I am being used by God when I don't even realize it - and in turn, others are being used to minister to me.  What an awesome God we serve.  He knew I needed that phone call today while He also knew that Paula needed that verse yesterday. 

Thank you, Father.  You know us all so intimately.  You amaze me how you can work in my life and know exactly what I need while you are also working in somone else's life and knowing exactly what they need.  I stand in awe of  You!  Amen.

I once heard a sermon describing two different types of Christians, one of which was the "rabbit hole" Christian.  This is the person who jumps from her Christian Bible study hole to her Christian homeschool co-op hole to her Christian best friend hole to the safety of her Christian home hole.  I was convicted then and am, again, convicted now that this describes me!  I scurry from activity to activity, all of which put me safely in the company of wonderful Christian people.  But what I am failing to do is be shinning like the stars (Philippians) to the dark world that I live in.

The conviction of my failures has hit me in the face hard this week, due to getting to know two wonderful families.  The first family made a conscience choice to live in a neighborhood most would describe as inner-city.  They are surrounded by people of different colors, ethnicities and backgrounds.  This family conducts studies in their home each week for their neighbors.  At Christmas they carroled in their neighborhood, inviting each house to follow them to a hot dinner and time of fellowship.  They are always inviting the neighborhood children to come over for playdates, in hopes that they will establish relationships with the parents and then be salt and light to them.  This family has sacrificed the appearance of a great house in a suburban cul-de-sac with good schools and intact families surrounding them.  But what they are doing is not just talking about being a Christian - in fact they rarely sit around and speak "Christianeese"!  They are walking the walk, living their faith out loud and completely trusting the Lord for their safety and their needs.

The second family is changing lives in a different way, they are adopting children out of the Milwuakee foster care system.  They are taking kids that are unloved, unwanted and left to fend for themselves.  The first child they adopted was a 5 year old boy; past the age of the cute baby that has not had the time to pick up bad habits.  Their second child is a little girl who has some developmental delays and their child, a two month old baby, was born to a cocain addicted mother.  This family is faced with huge medical bills, rehabilitation, and years of therapy to heal scars of being neglected as children.  But, this family is so full of joy and love - there is never a moment without smiles, singing, hugs or kisses.  What makes this family different is they see a need -there are orphans in our own backyard (!!!) and feel called by God to do something about it. 

So, as I scurry from rabbit hole to rabbit hole, I am safe and secure.  I don't feel uncomfortable, I don't make any waves, and I AM NOT MAKING A DIFFERENCE.  Jesus did not sacrifice his life for me to stay stagnant in my life.  I have been blessed with an amazing support system of a strong Christian family, great friends, and a nurturing, teaching church - but what am I doing?  Jesus wants me to take that comforting, supporting system, place them firmly behind my back and then go out into the world!  I will have a place to fall when I need encouragment and rest - but if I am not doing anything, I will never know how supportive that group can be.  When I start reaching out to my un-saved neighbors, when I begin a summer vacation Bible school for the children and when I take leaps of faith to serve God, I know without a doubt that God will not only support me, he will sustain me!

So, here I am announcing to all who read this, that I need to start moving out of my rabbit holes and into the unknown!  Please hold me accountable - question what I am doing lately to live my faith out loud!

Dear Lord, help me to overcome my tendancy to jump from the safety of my Christian circles to the next safe circle.  Grant me the courage to change how I live my life so I can make a difference in your kingdom.

Amen.

Last week, Eleanor, my 9 year old, and Isabel, my 4 year old, were having tea parties every day.  They would pull out the box of old prom and bridesmaid dresses that hopelessly will never fit me again!  They pull on the flouncy, poofy and truly 80's style frocks and immediately are transformed into princesses.

Eleanor meticulously sets up the ancient china set, passed down from my husband's Great Aunt Helen.   There are many chips and a few cups with no handles, but it doesn't matter to them; the cups represent beauty and femininity.  Isabel asks if they can use the linen napkins and then plans the snack.  Her choice; fruit chews!  They carefully fill the dainty cups with apple juice, place the fruit chews on the serving plate, fold the linen napkins onto their laps and sit across from one another at the dining room table.

Then the tea party officially begins.  Eleanor tries to engage Isabel into an exciting dialog about the weather.  Isabel is more interested in sorting her fruit chews into colors.  Eleanor asks Isabel is she has read any good books lately.  Isabel looks at her and matter of factly states, "I can't read."  Silence.  More silence. Isabel thinks about it a while, and then starts with her red pile of fruit chews.  Eleanor is squirming in her seat, for she is trying so hard to be a true lady.  One who has stimulating conversation over a light snack and some tea, but that is obviously not happening today.   Finally Eleanor whispers to Isabel, "Start a conversation."

"Huh?" Replys the four year old as she is now eating the orange pile.

"Start a conversation!"  Still whispering.

"OK."  Yet, Isabel is still sitting there quiet as can be.  I see Isabel look up to the ceiling, you know, looking for that answer one can never seem to find on their own.  Then whispers back, ever so innocently.

"What's a conversation?"

I looked at these two girls and thought about how hard they had tried to make it look like they were true royalty; ladies sitting down for tea to discuss the current events.  They had all the makings - fine china, fancy dresses, a good bottle of apple juice and the best bag of fruit snacks they could find.  But they just couldn't pull it off - anyone looking at them would know these are two little girls pretending.

How many times is that how I live my life?  Pretending to have it all together.  My fine china would be my children all cleaned up and standing in a row.  My fancy dresses would be the appearance of feeling great all the time.  My apple juice and fruit snacks would be my homeschool - meticulously planned and enjoyed by all. 

But the reality is that the children screamed and kicked as I forced them to put on their best clothes; I lost my cool 7 times and said hurtfull things to people; and our homeschool day was far from carefully planned and certainly not enjoyed by all.

Why are we so ashamed to admit that we don't have it all figured out?  Why can't we shout out "I need a little help here?" It is then that I realize that there is one I can turn to. 

What it comes down to for me is relying on my Lord and Savior to get me through each day.  Only he can love my children the way they deserved to be love and only he can give me the energy, patience and strength to teach them every day.  And I need to be cracked and vulnerable, or I don't give Him room to fit into my life. 

So, no, I am not perfect and I don't have it all figured out.  But I do know that I can do nothing without Jesus and I am so thankful that He is willing to be there at all times - to start a conversation with me.

I recently had my fourth child - a bouncing baby boy we named Lincoln.  It was the most peaceful, wonderful labor and delivery (will write about later) and he has been a very good baby.  But the question on everyone's lips is "how has it been homeschooling with a baby?"

I have to be honest here and admit that some of our rigorous studies were scaled back when Lincoln was born.  Between the all night feedings, the added laundry and the physical recovery, I just couldn't keep going at the same rate we had been cruising at.  Eleanor is a few weeks behind her core studies - Harry had been ahead when Lincoln was born, so he is right on track now.  We skimmed a bit of our history lessons and science lately has consisted of reading lots of dinosaur books.  So, if you would call these things a negative result of Lincoln's birth, then we have had some set-backs. 

But, on the flip side, I have seen such beautiful things out of my children since we added another child to the fold!  I have seen my older children love and adore this baby beyond what I could have even imagined.  They look out for his well-being all day long and understand when his needs come before theirs.I would have never imagined that a 9, 6 and 3 year old would be able to put another before themselves.  There are many adults who can't even do this yet!  The love that flows out of the three older children has amazed me; there is not one ounce of jealousy or resentment among them. 

Eleanor, Harry and Isabel are learning how to help each other out when I am busy.  They are becomming more independent learners and are willing to try things on their own before asking me a question.  My children are also learning what it takes to keep a house clean and how much work it is to have a newborn baby.  And best of all, they don't complain.

I truly think that the qualities that are developing in them due to the birth of Lincoln are much more important than practicing long division again or learning about present participles.  While the academic lessons are important, I know we will get to them in due time.  But right now, we are simply enjoying our new baby - and each other. 

I have not only fallen in love with my new son, I have reaffirmed my love for the other children when I see them growing into caring, loving and kind people. 

When these kids are grown and on their own, I pray that they will be known by their character - and that others will see that they were much loved by their mother.  

I intended to come here today to write about some conflicts in my homeschool co-op.  I thought that if I wrote things out, I may be able to see more clearly. Now, I didn't want to go into any of the details, but I so desperately wanted to have others hear my side of the story.   There was the hope that you might side with me - "Yea, Traci!  Your ideas are great and you should go forward!"  Or, "Wow - you have every right to bolt.  Get out of there and do your own thing."  Again, God had a different plan.  (OK - when am I going to learn that my plan is usually so different than the things God has in store for me :))  And God so graciously and patiently spoke these words to me today.

To my surprise, there was a slight change in the schedule at church.  The pastor who was to preach on I Corinthians 15 was unable to attend, so instead another pastor chose to preach on John 17 -   "I am praying not only for them (his disciples), but also for those who will believe in my because of them and their witness about me.  The goal is for all of them to become one heart and mind - just as you, Father, are in me and I in you, so they might be one heart and mind with us.  Then the world might believe that you, in fact, sent me.  The same glory you gave me, I gave them, so they'll be as unified and together as we are - I in them and you in me.  Then they'll be mature in this oneness, and give the godless world evidence that you've sent me and loved them in the same way you've loved me."  (The Message)

They'll be mature in this oneness - we will be Christ's body!  Oneness - unified - complete - these words peirced through me like an arrow to the heart.  Was I being mature in the oneness that Christ longed his church to be?  The answer was a resounding "NO"!  I have been failing Christ by failing to strive for unity within my co-op, so with humility I will now share the lessons I learned today - with the hopes that I may truly learn from this lesson and not repeat it again.

Our pastor posed a question that really shook me  - "have you prayed about the conflict as much as you have talked about it?"  Wow - I sure have devoted hour upon hour to discussing this conflict within the group, out of the group, with my children, with my husband - and yes, I have prayed. But if I am being completely honest, my prayers have only been a fraction of the time I have spent just talking about the conflict. 

Dear Lord, please forgive me for relying in my self.  Forgive me that I thought I could figure out a solution on my own, without consulting you or stopping to listen to what you might want to say to me.

Here is another question to think about, "Is there a truth that needs to be told, or do I just want to say it?"  Again, a big zinger to the heart. 

Oh Lord, please forgive me for being quick to speak and slow to listen.  Forgive me for thinking I have the words to speak into the situation.  Teach me how to trust your words.

God allows some level of conflict among his people because working through that conflict will ultimately bring unity.  If we didn't have any "junk" to work through, we may never be honest with each other, we may never pray toether and thus we may never grow closer.  We are to be an example to the world of what the body of Christ looks like.  Yes, we are made up of many different ideas and thoughts, but out of love and obedience to God we bring those ideas and thoughts to a mutual place of understanding  - and ultimate beauty!

My role in this whole co-op mess is to embrace the conflict with humility.  Two things there catch me - first of all embracing the conflict.  I think of embracing the things I love; my husband when he comes home from work, my children when they are hurting, my mom when I have not seen her for months.  I have never thought to embrace conflict.  To me, that implies having a real positive attitude toward the conflict and wrapping my whole self around the situation, not leaving my heart out of it. 

Lord, help me to embrace the conflict.  Give me the strength and the courage to put my whole being into this conflict.

The second part that often trips me up is the humility it takes to approach resolving a conflict.  Unfortunately, most people wouldn't describe me as being humble (something I am working on).  But, in order to make something beautiful out of this conflict, I must take the posture of humility; of sacrificing my goals or my desires, to acknowledge that I may not have the right answer, to listen to my fellow sisters and do what they wish to do. 

Lord, it is only through what you give me that I am able to overcome my tendancy to be prideful.  Break my pride and grant me the ability to be humble.

I praise God for speaking directly to my heart today!  I will aproach this conflict with a much different attitude - I want to be a humble servant who is striving to make many ONE.

There is no need for me to hash out details of she said this and she said that - instead I will turn to the Lord in prayer and with a quiet heart, ready to listen to what HE wants to say.  I believe that our co-op will come out of this being UNIFIED and that we will point all who look at us to the glory of our FATHER who longs to sanctify us. 

Purify me, Oh Lord.  Sanctify me.  Show me how to be more like you.  Speak into this conflict what we all need to hear and help us to come out of this more beautiful in your eyes.  Amen 

My homeschool journey began 4 years ago and I found myself making a decision I thought I would never make.  You see, I thought homeschooling families were "strange"!  I even used to say negative things about my brother, who had chosen to homeschool.  But, God had a change of plans in store for this family.

I made the decision to homeschool when my daughter was coming home from Kindgergarten telling me she was watching full-length Disney movies - all day long!  Being a former teacher, I decided I could do a better job than that - so I brought her home. 

It didn't take long for me, my daughter and my whole family to fall in love with homeschooling! 

Now, four years later I find myself entering this new world of blogging about my experiences.  I am looking forward to writing regularly - not only about my homeschool journey but also about my spiritual jouney as well.