Dec. 19, 2008 - Winter

All is covered in white around me.  It's pretty.  Everything seems alittle quieter. 

The seed bell that we hung up for the birds is almost gone.  It has been alot of fun to watch them enjoy that.  I sleep on a hide a bed in the livingroom, so it is nice waking up to that.  I would love to continue doing that through out the year.  And in the spring and summer, listen to their song in the early morning.  Peaceful. 

My family is far - so my children and I will be spending the holidays without family.  I am ok with that.  I hope that we will see afew friends. 

I have a praise report.  My brother after so many years...finally quite using drugs!!!  For me that is the best gift I could recieve for the holidays!!  He has been clean for just over 2 months.  Today was the first time that I talked to him in ages. 

Blessings from a bluebird

Dec. 17, 2008 - Math problems

A friend who is helping me with my children's math, just informed me today that my son has huge gaps in his math education.  I really didn't realize that until today.  I saw that my youngest son would be working on division in his grade 3 math book, and my son in grade 6 hasn't even started it.  We are using two different math programs.  My oldest is using Teaching Textbooks, but he is behind a year in math and is using grade 5.  My youngest is in grade 3 and is still working in his Horizons grade 2 books.  We took last year off due to my older sons serious illness.  So now I must figure out what to do for my older son....he hasn't even started his fractions.  I think that I will need to find a good supplement. 

bluebird

Dec. 16, 2008 - An Ouch!

I went to the dentist today.  Big ouches....because I had to have a molar pulled.  Eight years ago, I went to a dentist to get a filling repaired.  It was cracked from grinding my teeth at night.  Well the dentist back then did a terrible job in the repair and today I had to have it removed. 

bluebird

Dec. 14, 2008 - Snow and ramblings!!

Dec. 10, 2008 - Smiling

I had a really great day today!!  It was good.  I am happy and smiling and laughing.  We managed to get plenty of our math done.  My youngest is being a monkey and is skipping through his book...skipping assignments.  He knows how to do them, he just doesn't want to.  lol.  So today we had to go back to where he started to skip and work forwards.  So that has set us back a fair bit.  I was hoping that we would get out of book one for his Horizons math and get into book two.  I want to get into his grade 3 math book before the end of the year.  So we have alot to do.  And I really don't want to overwhelm him.  I bought counter cubes so he has those to work with.  It has made a huge difference for him.  My second son is using Teaching Textbooks.  And he is also behind a grade level.  But that was due to him getting very sick last school season and we ended up having to stop in February and put things away.  He was just so ill and I wasn't able to teach.  He still has afew minor issues from that illness.  He has asthma, and his asthma started to flare up, when he got sick with chronic broncitis (and put on bedrest).  I can't spell today sorry...but before he was over that, he caught the Whooping Cough.  And none of the doctors could diagnose him where we lived.  It was the worst nightmare..but God got us through that.  Our doctor here who is a specialist for children with asthma and allergies was amazed that my son didn't got into respiratory distress and have worse problems.  I took my son every chance I got to the front of the church where the entire congregation laid their hands on him and prayed over him.  God is an amazing God.  He is getting us through so many things everyday :)

So anyways...I didn't mean to blather on about our history.  Just wanted to share what we did today.  We are also studying the History of Canada.  Plus trying to meet afew learning outcomes for their grade levels.  So that has started to keep us constantly running to our public library lol.  It is fun actually.  At first I was really disappointed to have to learn again about the history of our own country, when their is so much history out there that is more interesting.  I am going to try and make this interesting if it puts us out of our minds lol.  There is alot of things that are interesting about Canada...I guess.  My older son is suppose to look also at the government of our country.  And really....our government is so messed up right now.   All we can do is watch and see what happens.  It is frustrating that the politicans have to behave so poorly.  I hope that we don't have to vote again.  But I would rather vote again then have my vote taken away and mean nothing.  It is all so confusing.

My daughter has been doing really well.  She is better with the internet now that we have had such a good heart to heart.  It is harder for teenagers this day in age, and to top it off we now live in an apartment.  There isn't really any teenagers here that she can get to know.  So we are going to have to look for fun things to do.  I told her that if I can afford an electric guitar...something that she wants.  That next year for grade 10 she can take guitar lessons.  She wants to taking voice lessons as well.  I can't believe that she has only afew more years left in school.  All you frustrated moms out there....enjoy those frustrating days when all you want to do is scream.  I have struggled so much over the years....that I wish now that I had just mellowed out and gave it all to God.  I know now after my horrendous year that God really does have us in the palm of his hand.   He has blessed us so many times.  I believe in miracles.  They still happen.  Even though my marriage seems to be over....God will provide for me.  I know He hates divorce...but it doesn't mean that people are less important than the problem.  And the problem was harming our children.  He is happy that we are gone...he misses the kids.  But his life is more calm and less troubled.  He accepted this ages ago I think.  We fought so bad this past year that he asked me to leave.  And I am glad that I finally did.  I can look back and see the really good things now.  I feel that my malious is gone and I am finally coming to terms and my anger is beginning to recede and lessen.  I am laughing more.  Because I feel ok again. 

Ramblings from a happy nut

blessings from a bluebird

Dec. 9, 2008 - Frustrated....and yet looking up

Basically I have had a pretty good day today.  I am frustrated after I phone call I had with my husband.  His parents wanted the children and myself to come up for the holidays - and I said no thank you.  I am frustrated because my father inlaw is a pervert who has insulted me by trying to put the moves on me.  I have lived with his rudeness for years...he always made me feel uncomfortable.  And then a couple of years ago he shamed me and I told my husband.  My husband told me that he didn't believe me.  And last night on the phone he was upset because I won't go to his parents and allow them Christmas with our children.  He still doesn't believe me.  I have never done anything over the years to cause this mistrust.  He is worried about hurting his mother, and I do understand that.  But he could of talked to his step father....at least defended me.  My whole life I have always had to take care of myself.  I am sad today, because I really have tried and prayed for my marriage.  Nothing is changing...I am doing what is best living on my own.  Now I must decide in the spring if I am going to file for divorce.  I am in no rush, this isn't a race.  I must make sure that I do the right thing. 

When I was following my daughter secretly online....in the chatroom she was telling people that her father never paid any attention to her, and that she can pretty much get away with almost anything.  I am sad by this.  My children are sad and hurt and angry. 

Today I was thinking why is this always happening to me....why is my life so filled with hurt and disappointments.  And I realized that these disappointments are only going to make me stronger.  I will beable to endure even more difficult times - because life is always full of surprizes.  Life isn't meant to be perfect...not until we arrive into Heaven.  :)   The ticket is to not fall into temptation, sin and continue to wallow in sin feeling sorry for ourselves. 

I need to make a plan.  I am still homeschooling.  We are doing actually fairly good.  Though I am having a difficult time with my youngest.  He is not used to doing alot of school work, and I have increased his work load this year.  He is in grade 3 this year.  Mostly with his printing and copywork.  I am also encouraging him to read alot more.  I don't push the math alot because it really frustrates him.  But he is really doing well.  My older son is doing well too.  We are working on a second language this year, and have chosen Swahili.  It is alittle difficult as we are trying to work around links to online sites that the school gave to us.  Instead of us finding a program...so it is alittle difficult.  But the language is beautiful and we are really encouraged to keep working at it.  My oldest - my daughter, is really surprizing me alot this year.  A friend is helping us by tutoring her in her math and science.  She is also very impressed at her eagerness to work hard and at how quickly she is gaining on her math.  She reads non stop....her favorite author of all time is Ted Dekker.  I can't wait until Christmas....as I bought her some really intense Christian novels and afew from Scholastic as well.  I am going to try and encourage my oldest son to read more...he never wants to read, and he can read very well.  So far all he reads is skate boarding magazines.  My youngest reads every Garfield and Calvin and Hobbs books that he can get his hands on.  lol.  Somehow I feel that I shorted my oldest son somehow.  I love to read myself and so does my husband....so it is just weird that one of our children isn't interested in reading. 

I can't believe how fast this year has gone past us.  It is already December.  We have been living on our own since the end of April. 

Well it is late again...and I must try to get some sleep.

Blessings from a bluebird

Dec. 6, 2008 - Saving our children from the darkside of the internet

I have had a very interesting week.  For the most part it has been really very good :)  I couldn't ask for a better week.  Things for our homeschool have slowed down.  Swimming lessons are finished, our once aweek classes with the group from our online school are finished until the new year, and computer class is now finally all done as well.  Deep breath....exhale...ahhhhh relax!!!????  Nope. 

I learned the hard way that my children are not safe online.  But the problem here was stemming from lying and keeping secrets.  My daughter, she is 14 as of this summer that flew past us.  I can't get over how fast she has grown up too.  Where did the smiley, laughing little girl go who used to make up the most annoying jokes that we all pretended were so funny?  She is gone.  In her place is this quiet, dramatic teenager.  She mopes and hides in her room alot.  I had started noticing a pattern since we got the internet in our apartment.  She was becoming very demanding and so bossy, and always in the evening.  She would go so far as to literately shove her little brother off the laptop and shut off his game.  So I started asking questions.  Who are you talking to?  Friends, was always the answer.  Which friends?  She would mumble her best friends name and afew she met through the youth retreat this fall.  She would freak out if the boys came near her...as it is hard wired into the livingroom....she couldn't take the laptop anywhere else. 

In the very beginning I always requested passwords from both her and my son.  I do unscheduled checks into their email accounts.  I thought that that was enough.  I would go through all their files and see who was sending emails and to whom she was emailing when you check out the sent files.  She was becoming very sneaky....her sent file was always empty and cleaned out.  To trace of anything.  I was getting curious.  And figured that if I were patient, I would find out what she was doing.  Didn't have to wait too long either.  I saw that she was keeping files from certian friends...expecially one with her shortened first name that is her nickname and her fathers actual last name...again shortened.  I knew that wasn't good.  And learned that she had a secret email.  I then wondered if she would use the same password...yup!  Easily I got in, and I was shocked.  I cried..."what did I do that was so wrong".  The very next day I walked downtown and bought a new computer program.  It is called Family Cyber Alert.  I am sharing this with everyone, because it is a very scary thing to find out that a child can be so devious and be somebody else completely.  She had a facebook account and was breaking the rules, letting anyone in.  It was suppose to only be for her old youth group and then afew - approved friends within her homeschool group.  That wasn't what she was doing.  There were strangers from all over the world.  Who knows who they are.  An old friend was allowed in who boasted of stealing and lying and anything else that she could get away with.  Disappointment was mounting.  I just prayed and asked my closest friends that I could count on to really pray as well, and gathered my strength.  I loaded that program onto my computer and tracked her every move and conversation for two days...I wanted to go a week.  But I caved....I couldn't wait.  Her behavior was so shocking.  I almost called her dad, but then changed my mind on that one.  I had to deal with this myself.  Most others would disapprove...but I have my reasons. 

I was going to confront her the other night.  But the most interesting thing happened, and it was a God send.  Our laptop got a virus!!!  Sounds strange to feel blessed to have a virus lol...yup.  But I was.  I found that it was the best way to approach her.  We were looking at the SPCA sites to see what pets needed homes in our area.  And up pops this huge warning.  When I scanned the system, I saw that the virus stemmed from her account.  And it was her secret email account to boot!!!   Isn't God awesome!?!  I asked her what is that?  Of course she tried to lie again.  I said come on....it is under your account - that is your name!!!!  She started to cave.  Bit by bit, the details started coming out.  Only in spurts.  She left the room for abit and came back to see if the scanning was finished...dying to see what else would pop up to condemn her.  She'd leave again....and return and apologize and confess abit more.  She was on pins and needles...then the tears started.  I was telling her that I hope that this didn't wreck the laptop as it belonged to the school and that their tech would have to repair it....and he would beable to get into the hard drive and find out everything that each of us had used the laptop for.  OH MY GOODNESS....she started shaking.  After more tears and more confessions, I confronted her with my own truth.  But I waited until she said that she was scared that she had distroyed my trust in her....then I feeling horrible told her my own truth.  She took it very well.  She was shocked alittle but she said she understood why I did what I felt I had to do.  And we prayed - confessing to God and for the Lord to forgive her and me and asked for His help and peace. 

It was such a blessing.  And such a scare.  The next day I went to the Christian bookstore and bought her afew books for girls.  One was about teens dealing with hard situations and how to stand firm on God's Word.  Another was for girls, written by a guy to tell girls what guys are like.  I bought one for  myself to read - it was about teens and it helps me to understand what they deal with and how they think.  Teenagers these days deal with so much more than us parents now dealt with when we where their age.  Thankfully though my child is homeschooled and not dealing with most of that.  After she read alot of it, she realized and confessed to me that she didn't think that she could handle the public highschool.  She was shocked.  Most of us parents think that our kids are doing really good in school.   We lie to ourselves believing that they don't deal with really difficult problems.  This book that I am reading has been a wake up call.  If parents think their kids are doing great because they see no evil, hear no evil....they know no evil.....they are deluded.  It is because those kids don't tell their parents what is happening around them.  It is evading our homeschool group here.  My daughter gets with her best friend and she is a totally different kid.  She acts like a twit.  She lies, she is moody....she is showing off and being rude and bossy.  I have warned her that I am not going to tolerate anymore.  She has been told that she needs to set the right example for her younger brothers and also for her friend who comes from a troubled home life.  She isn't getting it yet.  But she will.  I have told her that I am changing the rules.  New rules need to be written in and some changed and some taken out completely.  Her best friend is allowed to have the internet in her room.  I can't trust my daughter at this time with the internet...so she isn't allowed to go there anymore.  Her friend is here this evening, and her behavior is bossy and rude....so her friend won't be back for awhile.  I told her infront of her friend that since we attend church and we believe in Christ Jesus...we should act like we love Christ Jesus by treating those around us with love and respect.  I never used to say that around her friend, but her friend needs to hear it too.  People watch us too....so we want to be an encouragement to others. 

I would like to ask if anyone who finds my little post today....if they know of a really good Bible study for teen girls....I would love to hear about it.  

Blessings from bluebird

Dec. 1, 2008 - Destiny

I had a very interesting time at the new church we are attending.  I learned that my destiny is to go to Heaven.  My assignment is to bring Heaven here. 

I have been learning about baptism in the Holy Spirit, I have heard about it before.  But I have never experienced it.  I don't speak in tongues, and I don't have any other spiritual gifts that I know about.  I don't know how to bring Heaven here.  It will be alot of fun learning though.  :)

I went forward for prayer again today.  It was really good.  I am glad that I went. 

The children and I both came home.  And then we left to go to a free skate.  The arena was open and when we arrived there, there was such a crush of people.  My youngest didn't want to skate at all, he thought that skating was no fun.  I managed to force his skates on and drag him out and I skated with him for about 15 minutes and he was slowly starting to grin and laugh.  Then my feet started to ache, my skates aren't very good.  Anyways, he didn't want to get off...but I did and left him to skate with his sister and brother.  They had alot of fun.  It was great....I love to skate!!  I have imparted that onto my children :)

I saved the best for last.  The Lord works in mysterious ways *grin*.  My landlady informed me before we left to go skating.  That a local business here in our community approached her to ask if she knew of a family in her building they could sponsor for the holidays.  And she gave them our names.  I do not know exactly what it all intitles...but she did say that it would be very over whelming.  I do know that they are going to give us a tree.  All of our things are at my husbands place.  And that is a 24 hour trip away.  I didn't feel that we really deserved such an honor...but she is determined that we do.  Such kindness is something that always makes me teary.  I have been so blessed since moving here.  And I am very thankful.  My children are going to experience somethings special...I want them to learn that giving is what is important in this life - not always receiving.  So we need to show more kindness to others. 

God is so good!!!

Blessings from bluebird

Nov. 29, 2008 - Our week....

It has been a really interesting week for us.  I have started a new Bible study with my boys.  I haven't yet been able to find one for my daughter.  What I have chosen for my boys is "An Honorable Boy" by Queen Homeschool.  We have just started, and it has made for an interesting week.  We haven't even begun lesson 2!!  I am not sure if my boys are just looking to get what they desire by co-operating, or if it is really making an impact.  But suddenly my oldest son is doing dishes without being asked.  And my youngest son is working on his math and language arts before I am even awake in the morning.  Are these MY children?  lol.  I need to find something that will make a serious impact on my daughter.   The new Church that we attended last Sunday....I am really hopeful that we will find a ride to get out there so we can continue to attend.  I think that this Church will make a huge impact on my family!! 

Anyways, this is what our week has been like.  I think that things will keep on getting better. 

Blessings from a bluebird

Nov. 27, 2008 - Things have been so different...a good different :)

I was invited to attend this church that I have never been to, but I had heard alot of very interesting things about.  It was a very awing experience, like I walked into home.  I don't know if this makes sense.  But I  just knew this is where I need to be right now.  It makes me think of the Pentacostal church that we visited before I seperated from my husband.  This church is alive!!  I started to cry in the middle of song service, and that is something I just don't do somewhere where I have never been.  I did know one other person - she is in our homeschool group (besides from the friend that took us there to visit that Sunday).  The worship is loud and yet so sweet....for some time now, I have had this reminder always going off in my head.  I always think of King David, when he sang and danced freely before the Lord.  This is what I saw.  And during the greeting, so many warmly welcomed us and told us that we were where we belonged!  Never before have we felt so accepted and cared for.  It was so good.  I was so moved. 

I think the Lord is really at work in our lives.  He is doing great things.  No, I am not willing to return back to my husbands home.  But I see that I need some serious counselling for my hurt and anger.  I have been alittle short of patience - and I never realized it until now.  I saw a commercial on the tv, of a man abusing his children in front of his children.  And I couldn't help but see what our futures could become....we need to all deal with our hurts and anger.  My son and daughter are angry.  I would like to just ask that anyone who reads this blog...please pray that we can find that counselling...preferrably Christian.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

On another positive note though...December is almost here!  We are looking forward to the holiday season.  And each of us is doing our shopping.  Well started.  I am almost done.  My oldest son went shopping for his little brother the other day.  He is so sweet, the thoughts that went into his gifts for his little brother.  He went into this huge dollar store here and they have some really neat stuff....I know his little brother will be happy.  His comment to me when he showed me what he bought, was I know you won't like it alot mom....but it was all I could find - it was a cap gun.  He is right, I don't like weapons - and have always voiced my opinion on them.  But really isn't the time for me to be negative.  He did something completely on his own.  I know I am compromising....but I just think he has had enough things picked apart.  Besides his little brother will grow bored with it as he isn't obsessed by weapons.  It isn't his thing.  He would rather have stuffed animals and playmobile.  I just have to now take the little one shopping for his sister and brother....and then allow my older son and older daughter to take off again to finish their shopping.  :)  AND...we are going to put together a small parcel to their dad, just some of his favorite candies and maybe some socks.  Simple and not too personal.  Makes the kids happy. 

blessings from a bluebird

Nov. 18, 2008 - So complicated

My son is frustrating me.  He is innocent and doesn't understand.  How does an adult keep from talking too much to her children about things?  I try to unload and I erase everything I type.  I just can't express my thoughts and feelings...what I really feel deep down inside very well.  And I don't feel that there is anyone around me that I can share too much with.  I have been reading this book "Unbound", I can't recall the authors name.  But it is a Christian book, and is written about deliverance and spiritual warfare.  I know my family has suffered alot of harm - for a very long time we have been living this unhappy, miserable life.  Suffering in silence, in fear that others will judge and condemn you.  The place I left behind when I left my husband....we had only lived there for not even 2 years.  It was so hard to make friends....the community was so standofish.  Small town, where you were either related or knew everyone for years because you all grew up there and so did your parents and grandparents.  The Youth Pastor and his wife left last winter because they too felt the coolness.  I did make very few friends...and they were really nice.  A group of women, who were in unhappy marriages, or divorced.  One friend that wasn't in the group, was open to me speaking to her....and after I did, she told me that I was in an abusive relationship.  Not physical...there is many kinds of abuse...doesn't have to involve being hit or put down.  Then she spoke to my husband last summer while I left for afew months for a breather, and when I returned....she would no longer listen.  Because she spoke to my husband, and he is smooth as glass.  He is able to convince everyone that I am emotional and depressed....and how hard his life is.  He is even playing our son...the oldest one.  And now my son is trying to guilt me...because Daddy says this and that.  And I am ready to scream.  I am in way over my head in complicated matters.  I know what I know...I know how I feel.  I know how he treats me.  We have seperated before - twice...each time for about a year.  Each time he used God and pretty words to make me believe that he had changed....and then after afew weeks, it is all back to the same.  And I then eventually get overburdened and angry and when I can no longer contain my hurts and frustrations...I blurt things and look stupid.  I become this emotional basket case - and prove my husbands words right.  I look like a stupid idiot. 

This is hardly a blog to post about our homeschooling experiences.  I just need a place to blurt out without hurting my children anymore then they are hurting.  My daughter is 14, her whole childhood has been living this life....my son is 11....and my youngest son is 8.  I have managed to hide things from the  youngest one....but my older two.....is saddens me so deeply.  My children aren't children, they are like adults in children's clothing. 

We all have our wounds....I am praying that we find someone Christian to counsel us all. 

I really like reading the Book of James.  I wish I could of reread verse 1:19 this morning....my son pushed and pushed me.  Until I snapped and spoke my thoughtless words.  I think that I need to learn to pray and claim things in prayer over my family and teach my children how to prayer powerful prayers as I can't get them to pray at all.  Is it possible that they don't know how to?  I think we are all so angry and hurt....that we are unable to pray and seek the Lord as we should.  I feel hard hearted at home, but so different in church.  So different as well around other Christians....why is that?

Does any of this make sense, or am I nuts?

Bluebird 

Nov. 17, 2008 - I would love to stop thinking....

I wish that I could have a day of peace....I am tired of my thoughts constantly running.  I want to forget somethings and never remember.  At least I wished that I had the gift of expressing myself instead of keeping things locked up inside. 

Starting to read the Book of James.  I bought a new Bible, it is a Study Bible.  And each Book has an introduction.  I really like this, it helps me to see what the theme is for eI ach Book and gives maps...different sorts of information.

Within the Key Theme, I read this and it really stands out to me.  *Prayer is the proper response to trials but it must not be self seeking.  It is to be the central in life not only when afflicted or sick but also when cheerful.  God has great power to heal, both physically and spiritually.* 

James 1:2-4 - Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of varous kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.  Trails are tests that produce faith.  When trials occur, one should count it all joy - not meaning mere worldly, temporal happiness, but rather spiritual, enduring, "complete joy" in the Lord who is sovereign over all things, including trials.   Testing of you faith.....defines the meaning of a trial for the Christian: as Jesus was "tested" in the wilderness (Matt 4:1-13), so believers are tested.  Steadfastness, a life of faithful endurance amid troubles and afflictions. 

I think this is what I should be spending my time thinking about.  I need to pray that the Lord will send me someone that I can pray with and read the Bible with...a lady friend *wink*.   Someone who has walked similar paths that I have walked and still walking.

Blessings from a bluebird

Nov. 16, 2008 - I made it today :)

It was a long day, but I made it.  I am still wide awake - having only had about 4 hours of sleep.  I think I will be going to the health food store and looking for a natural sleep aid.  It is almost midnight and I am wide awake.  I think I will put on a movie and just cross stitch my alphabet sampler. 

I was pretty low last night with having no sleep.  I think all the stress is just weighing on me again right now.  I enjoyed the comments on my board, thank you for your words of encouragment.  I am going to also look into the Book of James, thank you :)

I can't believe that November is so close to being gone, time is really flying.  Christmas is almost here.  I got a kick out of my children.  We do not celebrate Halloween by going out.  Instead we usually go to the church and join in on a harvest party.  My children were surprized at how fast the Christmas decorations came out.  And they commented on seeing Valentine cards on the shelves soon lol.  I guess I am just looking at just how fast life zooms past us and how we need to slow down and enjoy the present now.  I need to pray about that....relaxing is something I need to learn.  I need to teach this to my children.  Before they grow up living their own anxious life styles. 

My one highlight from this week!!  Is how well my visit went with our online facilator....or teacher.  I was really concerned that we were behind.  But she assured me that we are doing really well.  So that was good.   I was relieved. 

God is so good and sweet.  I felt His strength in me today.  I will leave one day at a time. 

Blessings from Bluebird :)

Nov. 15, 2008 - Sleepless nights

Well, I can't sleep.  So I thought that I would blog instead.  It is now 4:26am.....and I have too many things running through my head. 

I love my avatar, I spent ages searching for that.....sort of looks how I sort of feel....my life is one big circus in away....always bouncing around.

I am a SAHM, and I homeschool my children....I have three of those, children.  A daughter aged 14, a son age 11.5 and another son age 8.  And the four of us live in alittle apartment, a fairly decent one.  I am very thankful.  The Lord has been good to us this year, and I am trying so hard to not worry or complain about things.  For the most part I am doing pretty good. 

Let's see, I need to just empty my head so I can crawl under the covers and get some sleep before my children are all up....though now I am afraid to sleep.  Because once I finally get some sleep, I am going to sleep in.  And I have promised that we are going out in the morning to get our shopping down.  And it is morning.

November 14th, it has come and gone...my 39th birthday was B O R I N G!!!  But I had alot of friends send me birthday greetings and afew gifts that were total surprizes....very sweet and special.  So it wasn't all terrible.  The kids and I baked a gluten free cake and had gluten free icing!!  Oh it was sooo good...and chocolate of course. 

I think my problem is that I wish that I had someone to talk to.  Someone that cared.  I know that I have Jesus, I talk to Him all the time.  And I have plenty of girlfriends.  But I want to talkkkkk....about things.  Like general things, interesting things, historical things, books, places and tons of things.  I want to walk with someone, laugh with someone.  I have been alone my whole life. 

I do have my children to walk with and laugh with, so that makes my day brighter. 

I am married, have been for 14 years.  But my marriage was seriously dead.  And I tried everything to pick it up.  I prayed, and encouraged, I invented myself over and over.  Instead it just flat lined.  My husband is uninterested in anything but himself, his life and his interests.  Even the kids were starting to complain more now that they are getting older.  They asked him to join them in things and activities...and all they got was alot of rejection.  It all sounds one sided and cruel.  But it is the truth.  He was keeping secrets, hiding money, not paying the bills....and we were needing food and clothing, medication and things of that sort.  My daughter went a year without glasses once...and in that time he bought an engine for the drive lawn tractor, and things to fix up his project car.  My boys are so confused, my older son is angry....my youngest has never had any time with his dad.  I left last summer for three months to a place where we used to live.  And went to the church that we attended.  I learned alot last summer.  I learned even with good Christian counselling that something was seriously wrong.  I know it isn't right to put a time table on waiting for changes to arrive.  But I had to make a choice.  My oldest son got very ill and I learned that I was very fortunate that he didn't die.  His father doesn't believe me.  And that was a specialist that told me that.  My husband thinks he is a qwack.  I am hurt and angry.  I have realized that my husband may of never really loved us....he does in his way.....but after he loves himself first.  We have split up before - this is the third time....the last time was when my oldest son was a baby.  I should of never stayed so long...yikes that is just awful.  Many women manage to live with difficult husbands.  I know this.  Just I was starting to crack up...lose my temper....nerves were breaking.  We lived in a trailer, that had mold in it....10 miles or so from the town.  And silly me is unable to drive.  No transportation of anykind.  How can one drive with out the finances too drive?  I know the Lord provides.  But I have been told that He won't do things for us if we don't step out in faith....walk the line.  Trust and you shall recieve.  Give and get in return.  Do unto others as you would have done unto you.  How does this make sense???  It is almost 5 am is it suppose too?  I should be sleeping.  We have been given free will to do as we please.  We can live for Jesus, and serve others as though they are Jesus.....and in return recieve a peaceful and joyful heart.  I was serving my husband, and biting my tongue and cheek, and he took and took and took....and he wasn't giving back.  Give the devil a foot hold and he takes it all...your life, your soul....your kids and husband too.  It takes it all.  I have learned that my husband has free will to do as he pleases, when he pleases and how he pleases....and the Lord allows him to do this.  It is the mans choice.....BUT the consequences are steep.  And bring much pain.  I was getting sad, hurt and then angry.  He was taking things that were ours because he used up all of his...the kids birthday and christmas money, my child tax....we didn't recieve money from him.  He didn't have any to give back to us.  He was also borrowing from money lenders....and where was it all going?  Your guess is as good as mine.  I still do not know.  After about 4 or 5 months of me being gone with the kids he starts tooting his horn about how all the bills are paid and that he is ahead.  Ok that is great!  But now suddenly he can't manage the phone bill again?  He only calls his children once a week....that is 4 times a month.  So what is he doing again?  So I have allowed our children to do alot of the calling.  Single mom, not working.  We will manage, my boys need to talk to their dad.  I am all for that.

I need to pray this attitude away.  It is hurtful, and I see that I am still quiet angry. 

I have told my husband that things were over between us.  Another unchristian like choice.  I am always being told that God hates divorce.  I have though learned that God also hates some situations that are unhealthy to raise children in....ignoring a problem only breeds more or bigger problem.  I had asked the Pastor back there to work with us, he said we didn't need any work.  Told us to watch a video about marriage and learn from that how to resolve conflict.  It was interesting.  So....if I were a doctor and someone comes up to me and tells me that they need stitches...should I tell them to watch a video so they can learn how to do it themself?  My family needed stitches.  But we slipped through the cracks in the end.   To all things there is a purpose.  And I am seeing that if you neglect something, that it eventually withers away and a strong wind will come along and blow it far out of your reach.  Once it is gone then it is noticed by the one left behind and those who talk about you and your family.  I had an email last week from a "friend" back there.  Asking me why I am working here when I refused to work there and she wanted to know if everything is as I expected it all to be.  I was angry by her careless words and I haven't answered them.  She was one of the few who saw the conditions that were living in and even said that I should leave.  lol.  She is a Christian....she has forgotten her careless words.  And like everyone else, she is looking at me now like I made some terrible choice.  I am not working....and I wasn't expecting anything. 

You know...the Lord has just blessed me and my children so much.  We found an apartment with really amazing rent, that includes heat, power and water.  So I only pay my phone, internet and lately just for the winter...the cable.  We haven't had cable in over 6 years.  Anyways....as I was saying, as soon as I made a choice to stay here where I am.  I suddenly had really nice furniture given to me, and bedding, and towels - everything!!  I am not at peace yet.  As this summer I messed things up royally.  I was bowled over by a man with a smooth tongue.  I was very low and sad, and he started by saying encouraging words and compliments.  My husband rarely spoke to me.  So someone saying nice things sort of took me by surprize.  It gradually went to talking on the phone - though only after my children were in bed and asleep.  We went for an odd walk, and it was feeling so wonderful.  We talked about books, history, and so many things.  It was unreal.  Amazing.  He wasn't saved, so I thought that I could share some of words about the Bible with him, and he knew the Bible and didn't mind me talking about it.  But I learned a very painful lesson.  DO NOT.....DO NOT trust a sheep in a wolves clothing.  He was dishonest about himself and eventually my low self esteem got confused and wasn't understanding what was happening.  He was able to twist things around so that it looked like I was the instigator, and that I was encouraging him.  He was telling me things like I spent too much time with my children and that my son was messed up because I was with him too much, that i talked to him too much.   My son is still just a child.  I homeschool him and his siblings.....so ya, I do talk to them alot.  I educate them.  I don't believe in shipping them off to others to educate and pretty much raise - as they are gone more hours in the day then they are at home.  I wasn't encouraging him - but I got too close.  I learned that a person living in this world isn't the same as me living in this world.  I am spirit lead.  Jesus is who I was following until I got side tracked and lost.  And I mean lost!! 

He really was not a bad man though.  And even though he did hurt me and he is messed up and can't make decisions....I have realized who isn't or doesn't have issues?  No one is better than the other.  I am no better than him.  God made us all equal.  We aren't to cast judgement....or else be judged ourselves.  I felt sorry for him, yet his treatment towards me brought me so much more messed up thoughts and pain.  I am still not fully recovered.  I haven't talked to him in weeks now.  I am working on forgiving him and praying for him...for his salvation.  lol....when i was nice to him, treating him as I treat anyone I know...with real kindness and geniune care....he would get so upset and accuse me of parading him around like a teddybear balloon.  Guess he wanted someone or was used to someone treating him in a different fashion.  I tried to explain it.  But again it was another language....spirit led language isn't understood by unbelievers. 

I haven't been up this late in many years, I am so going to pay for it. 

Well I should go and try and lay down.  The boys will be up  by 7am...and that is like 2 hours away.  Ugh.  I need to pray for strength. 

Blessings from Bluebird