Q. In today's society, how can parents safely begin to give our children the God-driven independence in a safe way while still setting expected rules/guidelines for behavior within our own homes? How do we set the expectations and get results without a constant battle for control of their lives?
A. We have 18 years, on average, with each child before we send them out on their own. Each child must know that autonomy is expected when they reach adulthood and that we, as parents, are training them for that day when they embark on their own! This will, first of all, give them a vision for why you are requiring them to do certain things. You are training them to be adults! They are only under your tutelage for a short period of time, and they must dedicate themselves to learning what they need to know from you and God before they are able to leave the protected nest.
One of the ways that we begin to teach our children to embrace their calling for God on their lives, as young men and women, is to teach those God-given role requirements in steps. We believe that our children should work from home well before they are ready to leave home. We raise our sons and daughters to learn and master their God-given responsibilities now, as toddlers/children/teens/young adults. We want them to be knowledgeable and to embrace their roles, given to them as men or women. There are countless life experiences to be learned within our homes and with our family. They can learn all that they need to learn from us, while living under our roofs!
Boys should be taught to work hard and enjoy it. We give our boys manly tasks, such as assisting in building projects, raking leaves, mowing lawns, and hauling out the trash. They learn the skills from Daddy (and some from Mommy, on occasion) and they feel respected for being given the huge responsibilities that we require of them. The book by the Maxwell's, "Preparing Sons to Provide for a Single-Income Family" is a wonderful guide on how to develop the strengths in your sons TODAY that they will use in the future! They suggest that we start with our sons as toddlers to instill the value of work within our sons! It's a WONDERFUL book!
We have our daughters learn to cook, clean, watch children, teach homeschooling, garden, iron, do laundry, etc., etc., etc. and we start with them as soon as they learn to walk. They actually enjoy their work and do it cheerfully BECAUSE they have grown up knowing that if they don't they will have a consequence! On the rare occasion that they do not do it as required, they receive the consequences that were laid out well before any chore was even given to them to complete. And that goes for the boys, as well.
All of this can be done, but it does require that the children know the guidelines and know that we will follow through with the consequences if they do not follow through with all three characteristics of obedience. They are to do WHAT they’re told, WHEN they’re told and WITH the right attitude. If they fail to do one of these three things, then they are disobeying and a negative consequence will result. After all, isn't that what will happen when they are adults? Actions have consequences and the earlier they learn that, the better it is for them (and us)! The key is that we have commitment to follow God's Word in raising children (no matter what the world tells you), having consequences for sin, and following through with discipline (consistency).
It is also vitally important that you teach them what God has to say about EVERYTHING. Teach them the WHY’s behind the WHAT’s! In teaching them about Jesus and the Bible as in Deuteronomy 6:6-8 (when we sit down, stand up, etc.) we will see our children grow up to be godly men and women! Their hearts *can* be transformed! God didn't give us an impossible task, just one that needs constant attention in order to complete well!
Look closely at this "famous" Bible verse on training children! Proverbs 22:6 "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." The word "train" is directly translated as "narrow" or "discipline" or "initiate." We are to narrow that path they are on by constantly correcting them, disciplining them or initiating them. It's a hard job, but we will reap wonderful results if we keep them on God's path when they are young enough to be molded by God, through us. The below commentaries put it beautifully when commenting on that verse!
A great duty enjoined, particularly to those that are the parents and instructors of children, in order to the *propagating of wisdom,* that it may not die with them: Train up children in that age of vanity, to *keep them from the sins* and snares of it, in that learning age, to *prepare* them for what they are designed for. Catechise them; initiate them; keep them under discipline. Train them as soldiers, who are taught to handle their arms, keep rank, and observe the word of command. Train them up, not in the way they would go (the bias of their corrupt hearts would draw them aside), but in the way they should go, the way in which, if you love them, you would have them go. Train up a child according as he is capable (as some take it), with a gentle hand, as nurses feed children, little and often, Deut 6:7. (Matthew Henry's Commentary on the Whole Bible)
Show him the duties, the dangers, and the blessings of the path; give him directions how to perform the duties, how to escape the dangers, and how to secure the blessings, which all lie before him. Fix these on his mind by daily inculcation, till their impression is become indelible; then lead him to practice by slow and almost imperceptible degrees, till each indelible impression becomes a strongly radicated habit. Beg incessantly the blessing of God on all this teaching and discipline; and then you have obeyed the injunction of the wisest of men. Nor is there any likelihood that such impressions shall ever be effaced, or that such habits shall ever be destroyed. (Adam Clarke's Commentary)
First and foremost, our motivations in all walks of life should be GOD’s motivations. When we show them God’s point of view, we are fulfilling our parental roles as God ordained! When we teach them WHY we are teaching them the things we are and WHY we are discipling them the way that we are, we will also be developing within them a Christian worldview. That is very important if we want them to understand our motivations, and therefore reject rebellion.
Review:
- Share the vision and goal of autonomy to your children.
- Show them God’s design for men and women. Teach them to embrace, not reject, their roles!
- Be consistent (100% of the time) with following through with consequences for disobedience!
- Teach them the WHY’s behind the WHAT’s!
- Prepare to let them inch their way, day by day, into being who God designed them to be – men and women of God!
Hold onto your children’s hearts! Teach them God’s precepts and require obedience early on! Go forward with God, in your calling as parents!
Mark and Lisa Metzger
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