I didn't think I was depressed - Nov. 26, 2005
I
have been in a blue funk lately. The holidays are here and I am
not interested in acknowledging the season. I don't want to
decorate. I don't want to celebrate. I don't want to
participate. But I wouldn't say that I am depressed.
Yesterday, I sat in a booth at a restaurant and pulled out my notebook to free write. I wanted to empty my mind so that I could start thinking about what to add to our educational routine. This is what poured out of my pen.
Gray clouds scuttle across my brain
shielding the life giving light
I bounce on my feet, back and forth
trying to avoid the opression
A game of catch-me-if-you-can
I am panting with the constant movement
I know it is a matter of time and
I will crumple
This is not my will, not my desire
I am helpless against the onslaught
The pelting rain pierces my skin
like so many needles of novocain
Worse than the pain is the numbness
unable to feel anything
Even sleep eludes me provding no escape
I am paralyzed, incapable of rolling away
from the downward swing of the knife
My screams are silenced in my throat
No one hears my cry for help
Wide eyed, staring into the darkness
my body heaving with sobs
I wonder what to do, how to live
how to die.
Wanting nothing but an end to it all
Life is colorless, shades of gray
scuttle across my brain
Where did that come from? I don't know. I don't feel particularly sad. Just nothing. I am grateful for today's meditation. I am reminded to wait on the Lord, to seek Him with all my heart, to place my hope in Him. He has not left me. I am not alone. Here are the verses, and some praise songs, that I am keeping in my mind today.
Lam 3:22 It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not.
I know that whatever is going on with me, I am not consumed. Yesterday I wrote that God knows my name, He knows my thoughts. Whatever is going on with me has not taken God by surprise. His compassions do not fail and will not fail me. His love and his mercy sustain me.
Lam 3:23 They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.
And with my mouth, will I make known, thy faithfulness to all generations
I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever, I will sing, I will sing
I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever, I will sing of the mercies of the Lord.
Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. Joy will be restored. It is coming. This is just a phase, just a short season, one in which I must cling to the faithfulness of the Lord until He restores the joy of my salvation.
Lam 3:24 The Lord is my portion or share, says my living being (my inner self); therefore will I hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him.
David must have suffered from depression at times. I can relate when he says, Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? I do wonder what is going on and why but ultimately, I must hope in the Lord. He is my refuge and He will hide me in the shadow of His wing during this dark time.
Lam 3:25 The Lord is good to those who wait hopefully and expectantly for Him, to those who seek Him [inquire of and for Him and require Him by right of necessity and on the authority of God's word].
Wait and seek. Wait and seek. Wait and seek. Over and over these verses encourage me to wait. Not impatiently but with faith and hope that He is my rescuer. I love that the amplified goes on each time to describe seeking God as seeking Him as the one necessity. He is the one that I need ... THE one, the only need of my life. Especially now when the light has dimmed and I am sitting, waiting in the gray place, I am keenly aware of how great my need is.
Yesterday, I sat in a booth at a restaurant and pulled out my notebook to free write. I wanted to empty my mind so that I could start thinking about what to add to our educational routine. This is what poured out of my pen.
Gray clouds scuttle across my brain
shielding the life giving light
I bounce on my feet, back and forth
trying to avoid the opression
A game of catch-me-if-you-can
I am panting with the constant movement
I know it is a matter of time and
I will crumple
This is not my will, not my desire
I am helpless against the onslaught
The pelting rain pierces my skin
like so many needles of novocain
Worse than the pain is the numbness
unable to feel anything
Even sleep eludes me provding no escape
I am paralyzed, incapable of rolling away
from the downward swing of the knife
My screams are silenced in my throat
No one hears my cry for help
Wide eyed, staring into the darkness
my body heaving with sobs
I wonder what to do, how to live
how to die.
Wanting nothing but an end to it all
Life is colorless, shades of gray
scuttle across my brain
Where did that come from? I don't know. I don't feel particularly sad. Just nothing. I am grateful for today's meditation. I am reminded to wait on the Lord, to seek Him with all my heart, to place my hope in Him. He has not left me. I am not alone. Here are the verses, and some praise songs, that I am keeping in my mind today.
Lam 3:22 It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not.
Psa 86:15 But You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in mercy and loving-kindness and truth.
Mic 7:18 Who
is a God like You, Who forgives iniquity and passes over the
transgression of the remnant of His heritage? He retains not His anger
forever, because He delights in mercy and loving-kindness.
Mic 7:19 He will again have compassion on us; He will subdue and tread underfoot our iniquities. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.
Mic 7:19 He will again have compassion on us; He will subdue and tread underfoot our iniquities. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.
I know that whatever is going on with me, I am not consumed. Yesterday I wrote that God knows my name, He knows my thoughts. Whatever is going on with me has not taken God by surprise. His compassions do not fail and will not fail me. His love and his mercy sustain me.
Lam 3:23 They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.
Psa 30:5 For
His anger is but for a moment, but His favor is for a lifetime or in
His favor is life. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the
morning.
Isa 33:2 O
Lord, be gracious to us; we have waited [expectantly] for You. Be the
arm [of Your servants--their strength and defense] every morning, our
salvation in the time of trouble.
Psa 36:5 Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, extend to the skies, and Your faithfulness to the clouds.
Psa 36:6 Your righteousness is like the mountains of God, Your judgments are like the great deep. O Lord, You preserve man and beast.
Psa 36:6 Your righteousness is like the mountains of God, Your judgments are like the great deep. O Lord, You preserve man and beast.
Lyrics by Mac Powell / Music by Third Day
From the recording: Time, Track #5.
Your love, oh Lord
Reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness stretches to the sky
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains
Your justice flows like the ocean's tide
From the recording: Time, Track #5.
Your love, oh Lord
Reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness stretches to the sky
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains
Your justice flows like the ocean's tide
I will lift my voice
To worship You, my King
I will find my strength
In the shadow of your wings
To worship You, my King
I will find my strength
In the shadow of your wings
Psa 89:1
A skillful song, or a didactic or reflective poem, of Ethan the
Ezrahite. I WILL sing of the mercy and loving-kindness of the Lord
forever; with my mouth will I make known Your faithfulness from
generation to generation.
I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever, I will sing, I will sing
I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever, I will sing of the mercies of the Lord
And with my mouth, will I make known, they faithfulness, thy faithfulnessAnd with my mouth, will I make known, thy faithfulness to all generations
I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever, I will sing, I will sing
I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever, I will sing of the mercies of the Lord.
Psa 89:2
For I have said, Mercy and loving-kindness shall be built up forever;
Your faithfulness will You establish in the very heavens [unchangeable
and perpetual].
Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. Joy will be restored. It is coming. This is just a phase, just a short season, one in which I must cling to the faithfulness of the Lord until He restores the joy of my salvation.
Lam 3:24 The Lord is my portion or share, says my living being (my inner self); therefore will I hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him.
Psa 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the Rock and firm Strength of my heart and my Portion forever.
Psa 142:5 I cried to You, O Lord; I said, You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.
Psa 31:24 Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for and hope for and expect the Lord!
Psa 142:5 I cried to You, O Lord; I said, You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.
Psa 31:24 Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for and hope for and expect the Lord!
Psa 42:11
Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me
and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him,
for I shall yet praise Him, Who is the help of my countenance, and my
God.
Psa 62:8 Trust
in, lean on, rely on, and have confidence in Him at all times, you
people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is a refuge for us (a
fortress and a high tower). Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!
David must have suffered from depression at times. I can relate when he says, Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? I do wonder what is going on and why but ultimately, I must hope in the Lord. He is my refuge and He will hide me in the shadow of His wing during this dark time.
Lam 3:25 The Lord is good to those who wait hopefully and expectantly for Him, to those who seek Him [inquire of and for Him and require Him by right of necessity and on the authority of God's word].
Psa 27:14
Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and
let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and
expect the Lord.
Psa 39:7 And now, Lord, what do I wait for and expect? My hope and expectation are in You.
Isa 30:18
And therefore the Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and
longing] to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that
He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord
is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all
those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for
Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His
matchless, unbroken companionship]!
Isa 40:31
But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him]
shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their
wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they
shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become
tired.
Isa 64:4 For from of old no one has heard nor perceived by the ear, nor has the eye seen a God besides You, Who works and shows Himself active on behalf of him who [earnestly] waits for Him.
Isa 64:4 For from of old no one has heard nor perceived by the ear, nor has the eye seen a God besides You, Who works and shows Himself active on behalf of him who [earnestly] waits for Him.
Mic 7:7
But as for me, I will look to the Lord and confident in Him I will keep
watch; I will wait with hope and expectancy for the God of my
salvation; my God will hear me.
Psa 22:26 The poor and afflicted shall eat and be satisfied; they shall praise the Lord--they who [diligently] seek for, inquire of and for Him, and require Him [as their greatest need]. May your hearts be quickened now and forever!
Psa 22:26 The poor and afflicted shall eat and be satisfied; they shall praise the Lord--they who [diligently] seek for, inquire of and for Him, and require Him [as their greatest need]. May your hearts be quickened now and forever!
Psa 27:8 You
have said, Seek My face [inquire for and require My presence as your
vital need]. My heart says to You, Your face (Your presence), Lord,
will I seek, inquire for, and require [of necessity and on the
authority of Your Word].
Psa 69:32 The humble shall see it and be glad; you who seek God, inquiring for and requiring Him [as your first need], let your hearts revive and live!
Psa 69:32 The humble shall see it and be glad; you who seek God, inquiring for and requiring Him [as your first need], let your hearts revive and live!
Hos 10:12
Sow for yourselves according to righteousness (uprightness and right
standing with God); reap according to mercy and loving-kindness. Break
up your uncultivated ground, for it is time to seek the Lord, to
inquire for and of Him, and to require His favor, till He comes and
teaches you righteousness and rains His righteous gift of salvation
upon you.
Wait and seek. Wait and seek. Wait and seek. Over and over these verses encourage me to wait. Not impatiently but with faith and hope that He is my rescuer. I love that the amplified goes on each time to describe seeking God as seeking Him as the one necessity. He is the one that I need ... THE one, the only need of my life. Especially now when the light has dimmed and I am sitting, waiting in the gray place, I am keenly aware of how great my need is.
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Comments
Nov. 26, 2005 - I am sorry...
Posted by juliepersons
things are rough for you right now~
((hugs))
Nov. 26, 2005 - The Comforter
Posted by JillNovak
This is such a beautiful pouring out of your soul. It may not feel beautiful, but I hear God trying to help you feel your pain. You are a David if I ever saw one. God bless you as you wait on Him.
Jill
Nov. 26, 2005 - Beautiful thoughts Cynthia...
Posted by Beth
thanks so much for writing and sharing, even when you're in a funk.
Nov. 26, 2005 - Depression
Posted by MegPotter
I'm positive that Solomon suffered from Depression, that in fact Ecclesiacites (sp) was written in depression.
I think your poem is lovely and open, my free writing never comes out as poetry, just train of thought.
Your God is faithful, seek him and he will bring joy in place of all mourning. God bless and keep you in the palm of his hand.
Nov. 27, 2005 - Hey Cynthia!
Posted by Belinda
I just got around to reading here again after several days off the computer. My heart breaks for you ..... I pray you are feeling more peace and joy today.
As I type this I am struggling. Sometimes I think the holidays make my heart miss my Daddy more. During certain seasons and months I allow myself to think of him .... and then I always break down crying. It has been over 10 years since his death and I hurt just as much. Maybe your Dad has something to do with these 'dark' days as well.
Anyhow, please know I am praying for you.
Love in Jesus,
Belinda
