Mission of Motherhood, Chapter Two - Jul. 14, 2005
pg 2
"I've always longed to feel and give real love, but I don't know if I am capable.
I think that I mentioned this before ... I did not believe that I was capable of giving and receiving real love. The miracle is the healing of the heart wounds that had left such scars that nothing could penetrate them. I did not understand the love of God, could not receive the love of God, felt like I had to earn the love of God.
It all began with a simple prayer that was totally spirit-led because I would never have prayed this prayer of my own accord. In 1997, I began to pray that God would break my heart for my children. I didn't even know why I was praying that ... but the Spirit of God knew how hard my heart was, how high the walls that I had erected were. I did not love my children. It breaks my heart to say that but it is true. I was not capable of loving my children. I was pregnant with my 8th child and I did not love my children.
The Spirit led me to that prayer and God is faithful. He answered and it has been the most excrutiating process. It has been painful to have my heart ripped open and the healing balm of God poured within.
During that journey, I attended a Brennan Manning conference and he talked about being Abba's child and the love of the Father. I am only just now understanding it, able to receive it, able to give it.
I am eternally grateful for the prompting of the spirit and my obedience because it has saved my relationship with my children and possibly even their relationship with the Lord. I am SO in love with my children now. Praise God! He is able to do more than we could ever dream possible.
-- Cynthia
