Graceful Journey

Awwwwww! - Nov. 21, 2005

As I posted last week, we are reading The Magician's Nephew. Our companion guide is Roar!: A Chistian Family Guide to the Chronicles of Narnia. The book has interesting tidbits of information, discussion questions and some activities.

Today we read the chapter about the creation of Narnia, where Aslan sings Narnia into being. The discussion question was, "What is the most beautiful sound you have ever heard?"

Logan, my 6 yos, looked at my lovingly and said, "You reading to us, Mommi."

Awwwww! How sweet! Just the encouragement that I needed today.

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Fly on the Wall - Nov. 14, 2005

Several months ago, my body clock changed. Instead of being the morning person that I had become during my early parenting years, I was reverting back to my younger years and being a night owl. As most of the children are night owls and my husband works late several nights, the schedule works well for us.

So, today, as usual, we are all up at about 8:00. The children have a morning routine. Get up, make your bed, get dressed, put away clothes and pick up your room until Mommi calls you for breakfast. It has been this way forEVER! Yet, still morning after morning, I have to remind them. Someone recently told me that they are starting to enjoy the fruits of their labor with their children. Really? I enjoy my children but we are still working on habits.

Speaking of habits. We are starting a new habit here. I have never required my children to have a quiet time. I just felt like I couldn’t push their spirituality upon them. I have modeled it for them and have encouraged them to but haven’t required it. I sort of had an epiphany this week. Just like brushing your teeth twice a day is a good habit to establish for your physical health, spending time with God is a good daily habit to establish for your spiritual health. Once I started looking at it in that manner, I felt a responsibility to help them develop this habit. Beginning today, after breakfast clean up chores, everyone finds a quiet spot to meet with the Lord. The non-readers only spend about fifteen minutes praying and looking through a Bible storybook. I use this time to read with my 13 yo struggling reader. He and I are reading A Child’s Story Bible by Catherine Vos. This is a wonderful, rich, story Bible and perfect for him as he is growing in his reading confidence. I believe by the time we are through this book, he will be a fluent reader. I am encouraging them to copy verses during this time also.
While the older ones finish their quiet time, I work with the non-readers on their reading skills. We are using Reading Rods and Reading Made Easy. The 13 yos helps me with that and plays games with them. I am hoping this will reinforce reading foundations for him.
It is still quite warm here in SC, so after quiet time, the children headed out to take a walk, throw the football, just to move a little bit. I have been dealing with some health issues and am still feeling a bit weak so I didn’t go with them today. Needless to say, the housework is a little behind due to my lack of energy. We are spending this week trying to catch up in time for Thanksgiving. When the children return we spend about 1 ½ hours super cleaning the kitchen and general straightening up of the rest of the house. We plan on tackling one room each day this week to super clean and then we will be in good shape.

I made salmon patties, scrambled eggs and toasted english muffins for lunch. While they ate, I continued reading The Magician’s Nephew. I neglected to mention that we started it during breakfast. I am utilizing a book, ROAR, along with our journey through the Chronicles of Narnia. We will probably read one book a week which will put us done by the end of the year. The countdown is on for the release of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe in theaters. We can hardly wait.

After lunch and clean up, I need a doze! They all occupied themselves for about a half an hour. When I woke, I spent a few minutes teaching my 14 yod how to crochet. She knows the basics and wants to practice by making a dishcloth. We then gathered back in the living room to watch the final installment of Building Big, Dams. I have enjoyed this series so much and have learned a lot. I have several books from the library about skyscrapers, dams, tunnels. We looked at a couple of them yesterday but I need to read those to them as well.

Oh, I forgot to mention that we had a few sick children today who spent most of the day on my bed watching harmless but mindless tv.

Our prayer group meets at church on Monday nights so I was off to do that and left instructions for leftovers for dinner, put the 18 yod in charge and was out the door.

I like the understanding of instilling habits into our life. Maybe that is what our educational method is now ... habit forming education. I don’t know. I am trying not to worry and focus about any labels but just be immersed into our lives with the Lord.

To the end of another fly on the wall post. I have wanted to do this consistently, chronicling a different day each week, to give an overall picture of what our lives are like. Check back, see what happens.

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Catching up - Nov. 13, 2005

It's been a couple of weeks now since my last post about our most recent broken boy. He is doing well and prayers are going up for his complete healing.
I have been and am still on a journey to cleanse my body of built up toxins. I have been on an herbal cleanse for the last two weeks which has left me a bit tired. There are still several things I must do to bring complete balance back to my body but all in all, I know it will be worth it.
God has been whispering and gently guiding me and teaching me. He is such a good God and I love the mystery of His love.
Recently He reminded me to be content in my journey and not to covet the life of another. Two incidents in one morning at church and I quickly fall to envy and questioning. One family may be blessed with something that I perceive that we need. Key word there is perceive. Is it a true need? Not to sustain life. No. But, I think it is a need. I get frustrated that they may receive a blessing that I want for ourselves, to make our lives a bit easier. It only lasted a minute or two, but that ugly monster ate up my thoughts. Thankfully, the strong voice of the Lord reminded me that He doesn't run out of blessings. He is my provider. He knows what I need before I do. Oh yeah. Ok, Lord, back to trusting you.
Then only 30 minutes later, the pastor announces that his youngest son is engaged to a wonderful godly young woman and talks about how they have prayed for their children for years. Oh, the burden just fell on me. Haven't I prayed for my children? Why am I not seeing more "godly" results? Why is my oldest running from the Lord? What did I do wrong? The same voices comes to me and points out my sin. I am coveting the life of another. I am not content in the journey that God has given me.
Have there been mistakes? Yes. But God is the restorer, the rebuilder, the redeemer. I can rest in that. I can't want to trade any of my experiences for the experiences of another. There have been trials. But those trials are bringing maturity. I must rejoice in them, considering them as joy. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. But I pray that I will keep moving forward, traveling with my Lord, placing my hand, trustingly, in His, letting Him carry me through the tough times.

Immersed in the mystery,
Cynthia

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The Curse of Camp Old Indian - Nov. 1, 2005

Ok, ok, so it might be a bit premature to be labeling it that but we had no broken bones in this family for 21 years and in the past two months, Son 2 and Son 1 have broken bones at Camp Old Indian.

There was already so much going on. We had taken my oldest son to work at Camp Old Indian. In just a few days after, we sent my 18 yod to Romania for the summer. The next week almost every one was gone as the 14 yod headed to the beach for a Student Life Conference and the rest of the Scouts met up at Camp Old Indian for Boy Scout Camp. I busily prepared for their return and subsequent departing just 12 hours later for another summer camp.

That Friday night, Stephen walked into the house, head down, arm in a sling. Ultimate Frisbee injury. He took on a large 16 yo young man and his 12 yo arm lost the battle. We thought there was just some bruising and let him make the decision whether or not to head off to the second camp ... he chose to go. By Sunday, I was picking up because his arm hurt and he couldn't sleep. I realized that day that he couldn't move the arm at all. So, off to the doctor on Monday. Our doctor didn't think it was broken but wanted an x-ray just to be sure. Off to the diagnostic center and within minutes, back to the doctor because it was broken. Stephen had a buckle fracture just at the top of his arm, where the bone enters the shoulder. They couldn't even cast it. Instead, he had a foam sling contraption that held his arm up and then strapped his arm to his body ... basically using the body as a splint. Four weeks later and he was good as new. We survived the rest of the summer camps with no more injuries. My oldest son came home from working all summer. My daughter came home from Romania. Life continued on.

October 7 - 9, 2005. Fall Fellowship at Camp Old Indian. This was an annual Order of the Arrow function. The first night, Justin collides with someone while playing football and bends his wrist backward. By Sunday when we picked him up, the wrist was swollen as he had not administered much first aid throughout the weekend. So much for Boy Scout training. The swelling diminished quickly after a night of icing the wrist and regular doses of Motrin. His pain was minimal and there was good movement and just a bruise on his wrist. We were leaving for Disney World on Wednesday. We consulted a couple of friends in the medical community and the consensus was that this was probably a bad sprain. We put it in a hard splint and headed off on vacation.

Last week I became concerned as it was starting to hurt again and his movement was not improving as I thought it should. So, off to the doctor on Monday. I love our family doctor. He always has a story to tell. He told me about a time that his ten year old daughter fell while riding her bike in the rain while holding an umbrella. They were supposed to be leaving to go out of town. He looked at it and figured it was just a goose egg on her leg and off they went. The family stopped for dinner half way there and as Dr. carried his daughter into the restaurant, ran into a colleague who was an orthopedic surgeon. After hearing the story, the ortho. surgeon looked at the leg and said, "yep, it's just a bump. She will be fine." She didn't improve over the weekend and when they returned home, my doctor had it x-rayed and sure enough ... a spiral fracture. The orthopedist that cast it told a story about how his son had broken his arm and he didn't figure it out for ten days. All that to reassure me that I am not a bad mom for waiting three weeks before bringing him in.

Of course, we had to have x-rays. Off to the diagnostic center again and back home to await a phone call the next day. We didn't have to wait that long. Dr. called me back very quickly and explained that it Justin's wrist was definitely broken and he wanted us to see the best orthopedic surgeon in the city, one that specializes in hand injuries. Ok. So, another call back and we had an appointment for 7:15 this morning.

Ok, now here is where the frustration starts to build. Our appointment was at 7:15. As new patients, we arrived early to fill out paper work (and they were totally frustrated with me that I wouldn't give them my son's social security number) and then sat in the waiting room for a long time ... the empty waiting room as we are the first patients of the day. Then we are called back to a room where we wait for a LONG time. I didn't even hear the doctor's voice in the hall until 8:00 so I am suspicious that he didn't arrive until then. I am beginning to feel very disrespected as if my time is not as valuable as his time. Finally, at 8:15, the doctor sweeps into the room and begins to rudely question me about the injury. He was incredulous that it had been three weeks. He said, "You didn't know it was broken?!?" Ok. After the fact, I thought I should have said, "No. Our x-ray machine is down for repairs." or "Actually, yes, I did know it was broken but thought I would wait three weeks to see if he would be permanently maimed." Good grief. By this time, I realize I am whining. I am trying to explain the circumstances surrounding our decision ... about the swelling going down, good movement, lack of pain, advice of a nurse and a paramedic and a impending Disney World trip that we had planned for a LONG, LONG time. He sighs and begins to tell me how serious this injury is.

He said that if we had brought him in three weeks ago, with this x-ray that looks like the bone is displaced, he would have done surgery immediately. Now, he can't tell if the bone is displaced or healing. He has decided to treat it as if we had come in three weeks ago, with an x-ray showing no displacement. The protocol? A above the elbow cast that continues down to immobilize the thumb ... for twelve weeks. Well, they want to see him in four weeks and will see it is healing then. If so, they will put him in a shorter cast. If not, they will decide on surgery or to continue with the cast. He turned before he left and asked, "Was Disney World fun?" I meekly answered, "Yes, but I don't know if it was worth it if I have jeapordized my son." and he quipped, "It will be IF it heals" and off he went.

I was so angry. I felt so belittled. I was treated as if I was nothing and as if I purposely had ignored my son's injury. After that last statement, I wanted to say, "I was told you were the best orthopedic surgeon in the city. If you can't be more postive about your work, maybe I should go else where." He was just so condescending. The whole staff was like that. The man who came and put on Justin's cast didn't speak the entire time. Not one word. Didn't even advise us on how to take care of the cast.

My husband is taking Justin back for the four week check. He is convinced that the doctor wouldn't talk to him that way. He is probably right. I am praying for complete, supernatural healing. I don't want Justin to have to have surgery and I don't want this man getting any more money from us.

On a bright note, Justin is wearing his badge of honor well. He chose a white cast so all the signatures would show up. He says he looks like he is perpetually trying to do the robot. His sense of humor will carry him far.

As for me, I have to leave soon to take Son 3 to acting classes. He has decided not to participate in scouts at this time. I am breathing a sigh of relief that he may be spared the curse of Camp Old Indian.

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The enemy - Oct. 23, 2005

I have been on that cycle again ... not writing, feeling guilty about not writing, trying to get back up and get started. My consolation is that I am recovering more quickly and am more frequently sitting down to write. Today was a an exercise in silencing the critics of our writing. I was surprised when I faced my enemy. Though I resisted this exercise for quite a while, I am glad I did it. God brought restoration and vision.

The darkness of the room is pressing down on me, heavy and thick. I am alone, sitting on the floor, leaning against the door. I must keep them out. I cannot let them come after me again. Tears stream down my face and my breath comes in gasps as I hear them approaching. I am defenseless against their arsenal and I know they have loaded their weapons and are moving toward the room, quietly, sneaking, planning their attack. My heart is racing and I am internally screaming, “NO!!”” There is no escape, no where to run, no where to hide. My only option is to sit and wait.

The voices start with a whisper. “You cannot do this. You are not a writer. A writer writes books, is published, is paid. You have nothing. You are too scared to even submit anything and scared you should be because it is all garbage, a mish mash of words that make no sense.” Louder, the voices continue. “You have nothing to say. No one cares about your opinion and it isn’t even your opinion anyway but borrowed words from other people.   There is nothing left for you to say. It has all been said. Why do you think that anyone wants to read your words, your ramblings. It is boring drivel” Screaming now, the voices rising, each syllable punching me. “You are lazy and can’t stick with it any way. This is just a waste of your time. There are other things you should be doing. You are trying to string a few sentences together and believe that that it can make a difference in anyone’s life. Are you CRAZY?! No body cares about what you have to say! You are nothing, Nothing, NOTHING!”

I am crumpled on the floor, weak from the assault. Panting fills the room ... are they still here? Slowly, the realization breaks through my battered mind ... there was only one voice. Only one voice. Who? Who hates me so much? Who would seek to destroy me? With effort, I open my swollen eyes to try and identify my enemy. Alone. I am alone but the breathing echoes in my ears. I whip my head around, trying to catch a glimpse of the unseen foe ... no one is there. Slowly, I bring myself to my knees and reach up to find the lightswitch. A touch and the blinding light fills the room and I recoil in pain. Within a few moments, my eyes adjust and I slowly start searching the room, trying to convince myself that someone IS there. I was attacked. I find no one.

In my panic, I turn toward the dresser to brace myself and look into the mirror and a familiar voice yells, “Where are you?!?!?!” It’s me. I am my own foe, my own enemy, my own critic. No one has ever stood before me and crushed my words, except me. How can this be? How can I be drawn toward this desire to write, to communicate, to paint my soul with strokes of letters and at the same time tear it down, with smashing blows of a sledge hammer.

I lay my head on folded arms and weep, great heaving of my heart, painfully confused. Minutes pass and the sobs subside and I become aware of a presence, holding me up, embracing me, stroking my hair. The voice of my Lord says, “You are not the enemy. There is but one enemy and he comes like a thief, to steal, kill and destroy. The voice you hear is not your own voice but the voice of Satan. He seeks to destroy the very gift I have given you. Your words are not your own; they are my gift to you. Every good gift is from above, from my glorious riches. I created you. I formed you for a purpose, with work in mind for you. The enemy stalks you to prevent you from doing my will.
“You can do this because I created you to do this and you can do all things through me. I am your strength. You are a writer now and will always be a writer, whether published or not because you write and you write because I created you to write. Without me, you ARE nothing ... but with me, you are my beloved, you are everything. Your words are not drivel. They are the words that I have given you. You ARE fearful but without reason. I have not give you this fear. Don’t listen to the enemy anymore. Your writing must be submitted to me first then I will decide what needs to be done with it. You may be published. You may not. Don’t worry about that. I want you to write for me. It’s not garbage. It is my gift given back to me, a sacrifice of praise, glorifying me. It is beautiful. You do have something to say because I have written the message on your heart. Just say what I have given you to say. I care and that is all that matters. But, others care too. Solomon said that there is nothing new under the sun and he was right but it hasn’t been said with your voice.   That is what makes it unique, your voice that I have given you. You aren’t sticking with it because of laziness. You are not sticking with it because you have believed the lies of the enemy. It is not a waste of your time to do what I have called you to do ... yes, there are other things to do but this is important because I say it is important. It makes me smile. It pleases me. Don’t you want to please me? And why are you so concerned about making a difference? That is not your job. Let go of that weight. Serve me. Love me. Be obedient to me. I will take care of making the difference, ok? Again, I remind you that without me, you ARE nothing. Don’t walk away from me. I am your shelter from the enemy, your strong tower, your refuge. I will protect you. I am everything and that’s all you need to know.”

I slump in surrender to the truth. I am tired but ecstatic with victory. There is power in knowing, in identifying the enemy.   I know that I am not alone and that I can rest in the shadow of the almighty. I know that I am in His will, living out His purpose when I am writing. There is no call to publish x amount of books, just to write. Stay in that process of writing and let God worry about the product, the results. It all belongs to Him anyway.

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Bad Writing Experience - Oct. 23, 2005

Found this bit of writing today. It is from an exercise in Writing Alone and with Others by Pat Schneider. The exercise was to write about a bad writing experience. Pat Schneider says that most people suffer a bad writing experience in school and many never write after that. This is the free write from that exercise.

I started my highschool career taking AP courses, advanced placement. Why? Because I had great grades in junior highschool and everyone said that is what I should do. No thought to what I wanted to do, just the counselor noting my good grades, assuming that I was smart, intelligent and placed me on a AP track. I wasn’t smart or intelligent . . . well, I was, in a way. I had figured out that it was all a game. I figured out what the teachers wanted and gave them that. Of course, this does nothing to feed the soul, to nurture the creator in me, it just was all nonsense and I think I felt like if this was such a huge part of my life, then all of life was just nonsense. There was no sense of real purpose.

Anyway, back to the AP track. I ended up dropping out of the AP program because I couldn’t keep up with the math. I struggled in math and I couldn’t be in AP just in English and literature, I had to be in AP on both tracks. So, when I dropped out, I had already taken 3 years of advanced English/literature and I had to have another year. So, just to fulfill the requirement, I was placed in the sophomore English class during my Senior year after three years of advanced placement.

I remember that we had to write a paper describing how to do something. I cannot remember what that is called, there is a specific name for it though.
I wrote about how to make a great cake. It was a stupid paper. Really, it was. But, it received an A and the teacher read it aloud. I just remember thinking how stupid it was. . . it wasn’t written from the heart, it was written to fulfill a requirement.
I lost my purpose in writing that day. There it is, there is the bad experience. Writing had been relegated to just a to do . . . just something to get a grade . . . I could do that and I could do it well ... but what real purpose was there? How was this going to make a difference. How was this going to change the world.

That year was a turning point for me. I didn’t write much poetry after that. I didn’t write much at all. I was tired of the game.
Throughout the years, I have written very infrequently in journals . .. mostly while working through very dark and traumatic times.
It really was only as I began to post on bulletin boards online that I began to be encouraged that my writing could make a difference. People would comment that I could express myself eloquently, that they loved to read what I had to say. I began to see a purpose again.

However, this is the demon that I battle. Still, I don’t see it sometimes. I don’t see the purpose. I am just writing what has already been said, I don’t have anything to say, the guidelines are not so strict, I don’t know how to fulfill the requirement here. It takes me out of myself and I have to trust in my own ability, my own gift, my own work, my own talent.

I am discovering the power of words. I am discovering how to use them to make a difference, to have an impact. I am discovering that I have something to say and it may be the same thing that someone else has to say but no one can say what I have to say like me. I have a unique voice, a unique perspective, I do have something to offer.

Wounds from the school experience. They took this wild child, this introspective individual and tried to make her something that was not, that she is not. They tried to make her fit into the crowd, to become the shape of the box, and she did because she needed the affirmation, she needed the acceptance, she was looking for something.

If there had been just one person who believed, who knew how to dream, who knew how to let the imagination run wild . . . who would I be now. But, no lamenting; lamenting comes to no good. It is just wasted time. The past is in the past and what worked for the past will not work for the future.

I am created on the image of God, the creator. I am a creator as well. Capable of creating beauty, of conveying wisdom and knowledge. I can create beauty with dance, with images, with words. There is power here, power that I never knew before.

Hold this power in your reins Lord, you guide it, you steer it, you direct it. I want it to be all for your glory, for you honor. I want you to find pleasure in me, your creation. Ultimately, all that I create is inspired by you, you are in me, you breathe in me, I breathe in you . .. you abide in me and I abide in you, everything that is within me is of you.

Even the question, even the question. The world may have tried to conform me to itself, to its definition of success but I know that I am in the will of the Lord. Questions are good. It is okay to ask the question, even the questions rise up to the Lord, not as a rebel, not in contention, but in stretching, in growing, it is the prophet, I have not learned to recognize it, to operate in it. Lord, I pray that I do. I want to be walking in fullness, in abundance in the giftings that you have given. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name.

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For Women Only, Chapter Nine - Oct. 9, 2005

Word for Your Heart

What is the one things that you wish your wife/significant other knew, but you feel you can't explain to her or tell her?

Men could have used this time to vent about anything ... to bring up any problem ... but the most common answer?

How much I love her.

Wow! This thought has revolutionized my marriage already. Chris tells me he loves me a lot ... whenever we hang up from a phone conversation, when he leaves for work, when he comes home, before going to sleep. I have decided to remind myself, each time he says it ... to remind myself that he really, really wants me to know and understand how much he loves me. Since, Wednesday, I have been practicing this and it has generated the sweetest emotion in me. I am overwhelmed with his love for me and the children. Like I said in the first post ... I am falling head over heels in love with this man. Simply because I am choosing to remember that he wants me to know how much he loves me.

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For Women Only, Chapter Eight - Oct. 9, 2005

The Truth About the Way You Look

"He doesn't need you to be a size 3, but he does need you to make the effort to take care of yourself for him -- and he'll willingly help you."

Here's another chapter that has caused quite a stir over at Shaunti's website. People believe that she is placing a great burden on women to be physically perfect for our men. That is not the message at all. The message is that men want us to take care of ourselves, to take pride in our appearance, to offer them a confident, well groomed woman.

Here are some of the thoughts that men have about physical appearance.

"When you take care of yourself, I feel loved"

"When you don't take care of yourself, I feel unvalued and unhappy."

"When you take care of yourself, your expectation that I only have eyes for you feels fairer and easier to accomplish"

"I want and need to be proud of you."

The bottom line for me is that I took care of myself before I married Chris. I took time to be beautiful for him. Why should that change after the marriage? Did I sell him one bill of goods and after the deal was complete, let him find out that he had something totally different. That is fraud (and is grounds for annulment!)

I have had 8 more children since Chris and I married. He doesn't expect me to go back to my pre baby body ... but he does like for me to take the extra effort to look nice for him. It makes him feel special, honored, loved, respected. I am to respect him ... with awe and reverence. I wouldn't open the door to welcome President Bush into my home while dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, with my hair pulled back and no make up ... is President Bush more important than my husband?

I want Chris to be proud of me. He wants and needs to be proud of me. Does this sound like I should be some trophy wife? I hope not. I know that many would say it is sexist ... oh well. Just speaking the way that it came through in my mind. Why shouldn't I take his preferences into consideration? Chris prefers my hair long. He loves me and my hair no matter what but he especially loves it long. I am not going to cut my hair. I haven't been wearing make up all summer because, I reasoned, it is hot and there is no air in the vehicles. This is true and you sweat all the make up off. But, we do have air condition in the house ... so what is my excuse at home. Chris prefers me to have a little make up on ... not a lot ... I know he prefers it because he always compliments me when I have it on. That's ok with me. I know that our relationship is deep enough to handle tough situations ... it is not a shallow relationship. I don't have any issues with presenting a pleasing picture to my husband.

I know that for a few years, I put the standards of others over the preferences of my husband. I did it unknowingly. I didn't realize that he didn't like jumpers back in the day when I conformed to that standard of modesty. One day, we were walking through Sears and he casually mentioned that he didn't really like the jumpers I had been wearing. I was devastated. I wanted to please him, to be attractive to him. I haven't worn a jumper since.

I can be obstinate and get all caught up in the he-should-love-me-no-matter-how-I-look argument. He should and he does. But it pleases him for me to take the extra effort. Since Philippians says Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. ⁴Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others, I think I will put his preferences above my own in this matter.

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For Women Only, Chapter Seven - Oct. 9, 2005

Chocolate, Flowers, Bait Fishing

"Men enjoy and want romance but sometimes find different things romantic or are conflicted over their poor romantic skills"

I learned three things from this chapter:

Men wants romance too but it may look different to them. Men consider playing together as romantic. Where a woman may define romance as flowers, chocolate, and candle lit dinner ... a man may define romance as playing a few rounds of putt putt, hiking, exploring. HHHmmm, ok, so adding his definition in, we have had at least twice as many romantic dates than I previously thought ... whoo hoo!

Men worry that they can't pull off the big romantic event.

I think this ties in with the provider and insecurity chapters. A man likes to prove himself as the great romantic and wants to do BIG things to romantic. Now, I have to say that Chris pulled off a great romantic surprise this year. He surprised me with a trip to Sarasota, Fl to see Les Miserables. I didn't even know until the day we left. This tells me how well he knows me and to what extent he will go to fulfill my dreams. However, he may now hesitate to do something for a long time ... may fear that he can't top that one. I want him to know that he doesn't have to. The most romantic thing that Chris does for me is that he calls me everyday from work to see how my day is going. He is really interested. I guess I want him to know that maybe both of our definitions of romance is too narrow ... let's expand our boundaries and realize all the wonderful romantic things we do together.

Romance without sex may not feel compete.

Now I have to admit that I have been aware of this for awhile and it has bothered me. I remember being quite irritated with Family Life's Simply Romantic Nights ... almost all the activities revolve around the physical expression. It bugged me. I want to separate things ... romance vs sex.No! In Chris's mind those things go hand in hang ... and he is right. I am seeing that very clearly now ... remember, it is that physical intimacy that speaks to Chris on an emotional level. He needs that to feel romanced ... and he wants to be romanced just as much as I do.

Great chapter!

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For Women Only, Chapter Six - Oct. 9, 2005

Keeper of the Visual Rolodex

"Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women." pg 109

Again, this is not new knowledge for me. I know that men are visual. It is the reason why I encourage my daughters to be modest in their appearance. However, I never realized just HOW visual they are and that is almost subconscious.

Shaunti says there are two compulsions.

One, A man Can't NOT want to look. This is eye opening for me. The urge is there all the time. Sometimes, men are looking before they even realize they are looking. Even if he is not looking at a beautiful women in the room, he is keenly aware of her presence.

Two. A man has a mental Rolodex of sensual images. These images are flashing through their mind all the time. I have a read that men think about sex all the time but the thing I didn't realize is that they don't just think about it, they picture it. The male mind calls forth images that have been stored for years and years past. Our men live in a minefield of visual images. A commercial flashes, a magazine cover, a person in a restaurant. They don't even have to try to remember it ... the mind just brings it forth randomly.

The thing to remember is that temptation is not sin. I don't take offense at Chris's desire to look ... it is how God created him. It is what he chooses to do with that desire, with that image. Now, here is an amazing thing ... I can't do anything about that either. This struggle is internal, totally between Chris and God.

Shaunti gives steps that a man goes through when dealing with images and thoughts:

Step 1. For every man, sensual images and thoughts arrive involuntarily. ... just automatic, if the stimulus is there, so is the response.

Step 2. Every man's involuntary physical impulse is to enjoy the feelings associated with those thoughts and images.

Step 3. But every man can make a choice -- to dwell on the images and thoughts, or to dismiss them.

There has been quite a discussion on Shaunti's website about this chapter. Some people feel that she is giving men an excuse to look, basically saying, that's just the way men are. I didn't interpret it that way at all. I understand the chapter to say that this is a powerful, automatic response but a man has a responsibility to make right choices before God.

What is my role in this? First and foremost, prayer. I have to pray that Chris will be a man, like Job, who will make a covenant with his eyes. I have to pray that he will be protected and that he will rely on God's strength to keep his thoughts pure.

Another thought that I have is that I want to give him as many images of me that I can. This is a biggie. I have always been a lights out type of girl and a get dressed by myself type of girl. I believe now it is important to let Chris's mind receive images of his wife. If images are going to floating around out there, I want to increase the chance that they are images of me! LOL!

On a final note ... I have a very funny memory of my father. We would all go down to the beach together. Daddy would settle down in a chair, with a book, sunglasses on ... and proceed to do a bit of girl watching. Now, my step mother would lovingly tease him about this ... "Whatcha doing Tommy? I think your book is upside down. You aren't reading! Are you catching some glimpses of these girls." I remember being appalled! It made me uncomfortable to think that Daddy was looking at these other women ... right in front of my step mom! And that they would joke about it! However, they had the best marriage. My step mom is the most grace-filled woman that I know. My daddy adored her and she adored him. Daddy is with the Lord now, enjoying the ultimate beauty. One day I would love to talk with my step mom about this issue. My legalistic mindset at the time would have been so offended ... her grace-filled mindset was totally different. I am only beginning to understand a grace-filled marriage. I would love to know more about what made their marriage work.

Ok ... on to the next chapter!

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For Women Only, Chapter Five - Oct. 8, 2005

Sex Changes Everything

Well, here it is ... the touchy subject. We all know that men want more sex, need more sex but do we really understand why? I haven't understood this. It has been a source of strife in our marriage. I brought lots of baggage into our relationship and Chris has modeled a godly love as he has helped me work through so many of those issues. Still, at times, I admit that I have neglected his needs while focusing more on my wounds, my own unmet needs. I have succumbed to a faulty thought pattern that believes his needs aren't as important as my needs.

I have lamented that all he wants is sex. I haven't understood how deeply this need affects him. I haven't understood the power that a fulfilled sex life has in a man's life.

"Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life" pg 91

"Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him, as say, his sudden silence would be to you, were he simply to stop communicating with you. It is just as wounding to him, just as much a legitimate grievance -- and just as dangerous to your marriage." pg 92

Wow! I know how I have felt when communication fails between us. I had no idea how rejected and neglected he has felt. I had no idea that it was affecting his confidence in other areas of his life. It feels a need in his life. He needs more than just the act itself. He desires a wife who desires him. Sex meets an emotional need in his life. This was an amazing realization for me ... I have lamented that I want an emotional connection. Well, physical is the way the he connects emotionally. Wow!

This is a touchy subject because past wounds can hinder a healthy, satisfying sex life. I know this by personal experience. But I also know that God is a healer, a restorer and a rebuilder. God strengthens us to fulfill his command to consider others as more important than ourselves. I have to make the choice to meet his need.

I want to be a part of building up this man. I want to be his encourager. I want to be the one convincing him that he can be successful. I want to bring him honor. I cannot do this while neglecting his physical needs.

I know from past experience that this subject can stir up some deep emotions. A personal blog isn't the best venue for this type of conversation. Even now, I pray that I haven't overstepped any boundaries. If you would like to converse about this topic, feel free to email me.

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For Women Only, Chapter Four - Oct. 8, 2005

The Loneliest Burden

"Even if you made enough income to support your family's lifestyle, it would make no difference to the mental burden your husband feels to provide." pg 75

on page 79 Shaunti writes, "In other words, being the provider isn't just a burden, but a highly desirable goal. Men feel powerful when they provide . And they want to be depended on. The ability to take care of those they feel responsible for lies at the very center of their sense of personal significance."

Chris is a good provider. However, over the years, I believe I was screaming the message, "Provide more! Provide better!" I guess I thought I had to remind him that he needed to provide for the children and me. I realize now that the burden is always there for him. This really explains a lot to me about some conflicts that we have had about our finances. Where I thought there was mismanagement has basically been a desire and an effort to provide.

I realize so clearly that he desires to provide for us in many ways and maybe he makes decisions that I wouldn't make. Instead of beating him up about those things, I must give him the freedom to provide. It is how he tells us that he loves us.

Being the provider defines his role as a man. A friend recently had surgery and was out of work for quite awhile. He was not able to help out with anything at home. They moved during that time and the new house needed repairs but he was not able to accomplish those things. I believe it really affected their marriage, their family because his position as the provider was temporary on hold. There was a definite crisis of identity.

I want to learn to be grateful for Chris and the way that he provides. I want to learn to trust him. I can do this because ultimately, God is my provider and I can trust God. I want to be sure to communicate my respect of his job, his work, his accomplishments, his provision.

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For Women Only, Chapter Three - Oct. 7, 2005

The Performance of a Lifetime

"Despite their 'in control' exterior, men often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered"

This struck me so strongly because it is my greatest fear also. When I realized that this man, who appears so confident, so calm, so in control, has the same fear that I do ... fear of being found out as a fraud ... my heart just melted.

My goal is to affirm him, to believe in him even (and maybe especially) when he doesn't believe in himself. I am so thankful for the times that I have responded to the nudge of the Lord in this area. Specifically I remember a time recently when Chris came to me and said, "There was a time when I was really struggling with my job, with whether or not I could excel in this job. You began to tell me that I was the best controller at Greer. You said it over and over and soon, I became the best controller at Greer. It was because you believed in me." Wow! I never understood the importance of my belief and my expression of belief until then. Ok, let's talk about my belief for a moment ... did I believe that he was the best controller? I don't know ... I am not sure that I knew enough about his job to say whether he was or not ... but I knew that I needed to communicate my belief in him. I did that and it helped transform him and build his confidence. I haven't been as successful at communicating that same belief in other areas but I am beginning to see that is necessary to help combat the insecurities that might plague him. I cannot fault him or judge him for those insecurities ... I suffer as well.

Another thing that Shaunti talks about is creating a safety zone. Home should be his haven. He shouldn't be bombarded with reminders of inadequacies here, in his home. That is what I am realizing about transferring that same belief in him to other areas of his life.

There is one other element but since she goes into it more deeply in another chapter, I am going to skip that one. ( I will just leave you guessing ... but I bet you can figure it out!)

I close this post with two quotes from the book:

"On the survey, one husband pleaded, 'I want my wife to know and understand my weaknesses, failings, shortcomings, and still want me. I need her to be my number one source of encouragement to become the man God created me to be'"

"It's not about being the supportive 'little woman'. It's about realizing that despite their veneer of confidence, our husbands really do 'carry their treasures in fragile containers,' and they crave our affirmation for how they did on that play. It's about sending the man we love into the world every day, alive with the belief that he can slay dragons."

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For Women Only, Chapter Two - Oct. 7, 2005

Your Love is not Enough

Shaunti Feldhahn administered and analyzed a survey of men to compile the information for her book. Since it was totally anonymous, men answered candidly. The results paint a raw picture of the psyche of a man.

Women know that men need respect. What we may not know is that

"Men would rather feel alone and unloved than inadequate and disrespected." (pg. 21)

I read this statement to Chris today and he just looked at me for a long, long time then slowly nodded his head and answered, "yeah, that's right."

Crack! Another bit of my heart breaking apart. I cannot deny that I know the instructions of the Lord and I am told to respect my husband. God knows this man (any man, for that matter) more intimately that I ever can and God knows how important respect is to him. That is the reason for the instruction. I am not told to love him but to respect him. As Shaunti says on page 23, "If a man feels disrespected, he is going to feel unloved" so conversely, if a man feels respected, he is going to feel loved.

There have been times in my life that I have justified my lack of respect. I have comforted myself about my disobedience to the word with the thought that maybe he wasn't acting particularly respectful at the time. Well, frankly, that's a bunch of hooey! That is not a defense at all. I would be so angry if he told me that he couldn't love me because I wasn't acting very lovable. I want/need him to love me even when I am not particularly loveable and he needs me to demonstrate my respect for him regardless of whether he's meeting my expectation at the moment. (paraphrased from page 26)

I have to choose to do the right thing ... choose to love, choose to pray for someone, choose to be supportive, choose to respect. When God tells me to respect my husband, the word is phobeo, to be in awe of, to revere. I need to highly value Chris. I need to choose to do things to show him his value and the respect that I have for him.

There were five suggestions of things that we as women can do to show our respect of our husbands.

1. Respect His judgment

Earlier in the chapter, Shaunti talks about women wanting to control things ... yep, accurate description of me. I have described myself as the master controller. God has been working on me for years, prying my hands off my own life and the lives of others. However, my desire for control can be interpreted as distrust and disrespect. Ugh! There's that contradicting message ... I cannot say that I respect him when I am disrespecting his judgment and trying to control every situation.

Shaunti also talks in the part about being the type of person who wants to prove that they are right. Ok, has she been hiding in my closet?!? My funny little saying is "of course I am right. I wouldn't think this way if I wasn't right!" There is even a running joke here about the fact that I am always right. My 8 yos even said it the other night, "Mommy, you are always right." I will go out of my way, bend over backwards, whatever it takes to prove if I am right about something. Oh my goodness! Do you see the message I have been sending to my husband? If I am always right ... he is always wrong. This has been one of the most devastating realizations for me. I confessed to him tonight and asked his forgiveness. He is so gracious. He did admit that it's a bit of an ego buster but chuckled and said, "Many times though, I know that I am right but just play along with your silly, little game." Oh, I just gotta love this guy!

2. Respect His Abilities

I think this may go hand in hand with the issue of proving that I am right ... proving that I can do something as well as or better than he can. I want to step in and fix things, figure out the directions, etc. I don't give him the opportunity to figure things out for himself. I don't give him the opportunity to rescue the beauty (to draw upon a John Eldredge example). I am too busy proving my own abilities. I have been robbing him of the joy of the process. What is my role? Just to support him, to encourage him, to be his cheerleader. I want to give him the message that I believe in him ... I believe in his ability to get the job done.

3. Respect in communication

Two things to remember ... It's not just what I say but how I say it. I pray that God will put a guard over my mouth and cause me to wait and think before I speak. I pray that I will weigh every word before it comes gushing out as to its worth and its ability to build Chris up or tear him down. I want to be respectful not only in my speech but in my actions. Is it any wonder that my children roll their eyes or stomp off or slam doors? They have been witnessing me do that for years. Did I think that they didn't notice the way that I have disrespected their father, not with words but with actions. Oh, Father God, there is much for you to restore here!! My heart cry is full of repentance. As I turn from my wicked ways, heal my home, Lord, heal my home.

4. Respect in public

One of the things that I love about my husband is that he never tears me down to anyone else ... whether I am around or not. In fact, he is appalled at the way that other men will talk so badly about their wives. Can I say that I have held the same standard? Not as well as he has. I have not intentionally set out to disparage him but I haven't guarded my mouth as I should have. I have been guilty of entering into the male bashing camp from time to time.

Shaunti reminds us to respect our husbands in public. Don't tear him down in front of others. Don't make jokes at his expense ... the teasing can be torture. Be respectful even when he is not there. Truly, do I want to paint a horrible picture of him? Do I want people to think I am married to a cad? No!

I need to find things to brag about, build him up.

I always tell my children, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

A very simple principle to apply to my conversation regarding my husband.

5. Respect in our assumptions

It seems that I tend to assume the worst. I wrongly assign intent and purpose. What would happen if I would just believe the best, assume the best? My carnal mind wants to tell me that I will just end up disappointed. But wait, this isn't about me ... I am trying to focus on building my husband up and giving him the respect that he craves. Not judging his motives would be a great start ... just believe the best about him. Let God take care of the rest.

Ok, I admit that at times I watch Dr. Phil. One thing that I have heard him say is that either my actions are building the relationship and adding to the well being of my husband or they are tearing apart the relationship and taking away from the well being of my husband. I think I have been aware that my actions weren't necessarily building my husband up but I don't think I was so keenly aware how they were tearing him down. This is my revelation right now. It is painful but needed.

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For Women Only, Chapter One - Oct. 6, 2005

Ok, how funny ... I wrote the previous post about lightbulb moments and then continued to this post about the first chapter, and it is titled . .. Lightbulb On! LOL!!

Shaunta says on page 14, "I began to realize that there's so much about men that we don't understand -- and that men don't even know we don't know."

How frustrating for my husband and me. There are things that I don't know and he doesn't even know I don't know. I don't even know I don't know!! This leads to lots of conflict and misunderstanding. Too many times, I have made wrong assumptions and have reacted according to those wrong assumptions which just sends us both spiralling away from each other.

Here are the the seven surface understandings that women have about men:
1. Men need respect
2. Men are insecure
3. Men are providers
4. Men want more sex
5. Men are visual
6. Men are unromantic clods
7. Men care about appearance

But there is SO much more to what those things really mean to a man. That is what this book is all about and, for me, it succeeds in conveying the message because it speaks on an emotional level. How these things make a man feel about himself.

The book doesn't claim to be "an equal treatment of male-female differences" It wasn't written to give women more fodder for male bashing. Shaunta's heart is that "The more we understand men in our lives, the better we can support and love them in the way they need to be loved. In other words, this revelation is suppose to change and improve us."

By the time I got to the end of this book, I was heavy with the realization that I had tried for twenty years to communicate my love for Chris in my language because ultimately I wanted him to respond and communicate his love for me in MY language. Though I have been "saying" the words, the message I have sent in other ways totally contradicts the "I love you" message.

Chris is interested in reading the book and I am going to hand it to him soon. I still have a lot of pondering and praying to do first. There some confession and cleansing that needs to happen ... and then on to the applicaton. Actually, I have already started to apply my new found knowledge and it feels as if I have jumped off the cliff and finally allowed myself to fall head over heals in love with this man.

More tomorrow . . . .

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For Women Only - Oct. 6, 2005

Have you ever been in that place when the light finally comes on? Maybe you have heard something over and over and over but one day, it clicks and you really understand it. Many times we call this our lightbulb moment. Yeah, well, I have had a lightbulb moment that I believe is going to change the rest of my life.

I went to an informational meeting for a book club on Tuesday night. Though we chose to read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, one of the suggestions was For Women Only by Shaunti Feldham. I picked it up on Wednesday ... read it that night. Can I just say that I feel like I have been jolted awake?

I don't think there is anything in the book that I didn't already know. I know that men need respect. I know that men are visual. I know that men find purpose in being the provider. I know these things. I am not sure that I can say why this book has effected me so profoundly. Maybe because I am older and maturing and finally starting to think of someone other than myself. Maybe it is because this book relates so clearly how these things make a man feel. Maybe it is because I have been praying for God to break my heart for my husband.

The why is not important. What is important is that I feel like I have a glimpse of what has been going through my husband's mind for all these years. I am devastated, crushed, broken. Exactly where I prayed to be. At the same time I am joyful and hopeful and exhilerated. It's not too late. God has given me the chance to repent, to learn, to grow, to show this man the respect that he craves.

I am going to post some thoughts from each chapter ... try to get to several chapters a day, over the next few days. We have some important business coming up next week. I won't be able to get to the computer for awhile and I want to blog about this book before then. It may sound daunting but it isn't ... It's a short read.

Ok, on to the next post . . .

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The sacrifices of God - Oct. 4, 2005

Thank you to all who offered prayer, encouragement and well wishes when my children were sick. Thankfully, no one else caught the bug.

Anyone who has heard my testimony of coming to an understanding of God's grace, knows that eight years ago I began to pray that God would break my heart for my children. It was an entirely spirit-led prayer as I didn't even understand the words that came out of my mouth ... why was I praying that God would break my heart for my children? What did that really mean?

I didn't know then what a painful but blessed journey lay before me as God began to answer my prayer. Even now, as I tell my story, I am mystified as to that prayer that started it all.

We had a special service Sunday night at church ... a night of praise and prayer. Focusing on the ACTS acrostic, different individuals spoke on Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving and Supplication. During the teaching on confession, the speaker talked about David's words,

"The sacrifices of God are ^[a] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

aaahhh, yes. a broken and contrite heart. There it is. God wanted me to give him a broken heart. Until then, He could not accomplish the work that was needed in my life. Ever true, I cannot do anything without Him ... I could not even present Him with the very thing that He required. I had to ask Him to break my heart so that I could then give it back to him. He is faithful and complete the work that He has begun. My heart continues to be broken ... for my children and my prayer has extended to my husband, my family, my friends, my ministry, my church.

A very patient five year old is waiting on the computer ... I am will end for now. More later.

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I hate carpet! - Sep. 19, 2005

Why oh why did I believe that just two of my children would get the stomach flu? Why oh why did I think I would get off that easy?!?!?!?! Of course not! While I was sitting here, typing a comment to Belinda, I heard a strangely familiar sound ... couldn't quite get my mind to register what it was ... oh yes ... OH NO!!!! Drew is leaning over the bed, spewing all over the lego and toy covered carpet (don't even get me started on the stuff that wasn't put away in that room today ... needless to say it is all in the trashcan now!)
I hate carpet. I HATE carpet. I would rather have concrete floors than carpet. At least, I would feel like I could clean up after a mess like tonight. That carpet is never going to be clean, it is soaked down to the pad. This carpet is old and has been throw up on, spilled on, peed on, stomped on for over eleven years. This is going to have to be a priority ... and I will not replace it with carpet.
As I am finishing this up ... Stephen is groaning with a stomach ache ... and I have a steady mantra ... Please try to make it to the bathroom. Please try to make it to the bathroom.

Ok, off to try an nurture the sick.

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As the Deer - Sep. 19, 2005

Psalm 42:1 says:
As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

I read this last night and I wrote, "that is what I want, I want my soul to pant for you, God!" and God said, "It does. Your soul is thirsty for me. It always has been. It always will be. I am the only thing that will satisfy your thirst. Do you not know that you are thirsty? You are dry and parched, nearly dehydrated but are not even aware. Even when you know, you try to quench your thirst with other things. But those will never satisfy you. Your soul pants for me."

I cannot wait until I am near soul death with dehydration before I drink deeply from the Lord. I must daily take my refreshment from Him, that living water that nourishes my soul. The body can only go a few days without water before it shuts down and dies. My soul can only go for a little while without renewing itself in the Lord. I know this. Yet, I wonder at the desert that I am in ... it is a desert of my own doing. I haven't drank deeply from the Lord, from His word, from His presence.

Yes, Lord. My soul pants for you. You are my living water. Rain down on me new grace and mercies and I will bless your name, forever.

Immersed in the Mystery,

Cynthia

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The Measure of a Mother - Sep. 14, 2005

I picked up my copy of Peter Elbow's, Writing without Teachers last night. Looking for a bit of inspiration to jumpstart my writing ... AGAIN! I was reminded to do my freewriting each day. I know this is the key that helps unlock the mystery in my head. It is sort of like de-fragging a computer. Freewriting allows me to dump all those little parts of information that are floating around in my head and try to put them back where they belong so that it will all make sense.

Two of the children had dentist's appointments today. We are trying to catch up on dental care. We have terrible dental insurance and haven't made it a financial priority. My youngest two went last month and the youngest was fine but the second youngest had to have two baby root canals and two fillings. I was feeling hopeful today when the dentist came out and said that Drew was fine ... but Grace had two cavities. Ugh. We are giving the dentist's office quite a hefty payment each month but at this rate, we will never be caught up. When we do, it is on to orthodontic care ... and I don't even want to think what is in store for my husband and me.

I felt so heavy as I walked out of the dentist's office. The thought that came to mind is that if this is the measure of a mother ... the number of cavities in a child's mouth ... then I don't measure up. I immediately began to try to squelch that thought but it has stalked me all day. According to the world's standard, I am not sure I am a good mother. No, I cannot use that as my standard ... but ... but ... but ... God's standard is so much higher! Just read I Corinthians 13 or Galatians 5 or even my favorite verse to quote at my children, "Let no unwholesome words come out of your mouth but only what is useful for building others up according to their needs" I am falling even farther below the mark.

The day has been full of my hiding in my room and weeping and crying out to the Lord. I am feeling huge attack right now. I have prayed for God's angels to hedge me in because I don't feel strong enough to fight this battle. I know my biggest vulnerability is feeling like I am not doing enough. It seems that the constant message in my head is a list of things that I haven't done or that I haven't done well.

I haven't devoted myself to studying God's word.
I haven't started exercising.
I haven't been eating properly and haven't made sure that my family is eating well.
I haven't motivated my children to do their jobs well.
I haven't, I haven't, I haven't ... I can't go into the list. I am trying to stay away from that torrent tonight.

This is probably all hormonal as that time is just around the corner. But, knowing that doesn't make getting through it any easier. So, I come to the end of my ten minutes and don't know that I have made any progress toward identifying the measure of a mother, only to still be mired down in my inadequacy.

This isn't a very encouraging post but I think you will understand.

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