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Thoughts Along the Way
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Dancing Around the Edges
When I was a little girl I went to Spruce Street Elementary School.
I really didn't want to be at school. I just wanted to be at home.
At home I was safe. At home it was warm and quiet and comfortable. I could be in my room and pretend and think and sing. I could read my Little House on the Prairie books and take a nap in the sunshine patch that shone brightly on my golden shag rug.
There were times, I'm not sure how many, that I would run away from school.... I just couldn't be there any more. A friend lived near the school, near enough for my little girl legs to run to, and so I would run there. I had no idea the fear or concern that may have caused my mom or my teachers. I just couldn't stay there any more.
Yesterday, I talked to my mom on the phone. Immediately she heard it in my voice. She heard it, even before I was ready to admit it even to myself. Flatness. It made me mad that she could sense that I was having "a day". I don't like it to show. Besides, I hadn't even recognized it yet.
Depression is not something I feel like advertising. And to be honest, I still don't know that you could call what I have depression. Tired, sad, blue. Overwhelmed. Just wanting to be home.
And yet, the strange thing is, even though I don't really want to admit it to anyone, especially my mom, I have to write about it.
If you have checked my blog lately, I have not written for a long time. But, today, as I realized how I was feeling, I was drawn to write it out.
Part of all this is accepting who I am, what my weaknesses are, and how I walk that out in my day to day life. As I talked about this with Mary she described my boundaries as "intimate". I cannot handle wide open boundaries....many activities, many relationships, going, doing, being. My boundaries are closer, more controlled, less chaotic. And that's OK. God works in and through my weaknesses.
I am still growing in my understanding of who God has made me. The closer I get to 40 the more I am understanding and the more I am learning to lean on the Everlasting Arms. I know I have a long way to go. But I am not alone. Nor do I have to do this in my own strength.
Great is His faithfulness.
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