Timothy,

You would have been one this week if you were not already in the arms of Jesus.  I want so bad to celebrate this special birthday with you, but that can never be.  I want to do something to mark this day that should have been so special.  But how?  What is appropriate?   I'd rather have a party for you and watch you smear cake all over your face, but writing my thoughts here in this blog will have to do instead.

Seeing your precious baby sister makes me wish you had the chance to be a big brother to her.  Holding her is sweeter because I didn't get to hold you.  Do you know that you're a big brother?  Do such things matter when you're in Eternity? 

We put up the Christmas tree today and hung your little ornament that says you'll be spending Christmas with Jesus.  What a wonderful Christmas that must be!  I can only imagine.

I don't often have the chance to talk about you, but I think about you everyday.  I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life.  A hole has been torn in the fabric of my life that can never be patched, not by time, not by another baby, not by anyone, or anything.  There is a hole that only you can fill and you will never be here to fill it.  My heart resonates with Mercy Me's song "Homesick".

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

I long to see you again.  The next time we meet, you will be full and complete, healthy and mature.  I don't picture you as a baby in Heaven.  I can see me arriving in Heaven, and you, a grown man, run up to me and give me a big hug.  Full of excitement and with a huge smile on your face, you say, "Come on, Mom!  I've got some amazing things to show you!" And you take me by the hand and show me around.  I'll look forward to seeing you then.  In the meantime, I'll take good care of your brothers and sisters for you.  You'll love to meet them too.

I'm so blessed for having you as a part of my life, even though your time with us here was far too short.  I feel more deeply than I did before, and I take much less for granted.  I realize more than ever that life here on this Earth is not what it's all about.  I know now that the things that are really imortant and eternal are usually not seen.  I know that God will never let go of me no matter how bad things get and that nothing can snatch me from His hand.

I'll never stop loving you.  I'll never forget you. 

Happy Heavenly Birthday, my sweet son.

Love,

Mommy