I came across this entry that I had scribbled in the back of my notebook. It was dated March '08 (pre-Mary Faith).  I'm not sure if it's poetry or prose.  I haven't edited it at all.  This is just how it poured out from my heart through my pen.  I feel like it is fitting to share this with you today, on Sanctity of Life Sunday as we acknowledge that all life, from conception to natural death, is sacred in the eyes and heart of God.

"How many children do you have?",
you ask me with a smile.
You have no idea how much that hurts.
You can't see the grief I carry inside.

"Should I mention my son?",
I wonder to myself,
"The one who never made it to his birthday?"

Will you see him as a person, and grieve with me?
Or will you shrug and say, "oh well",
as if I didn't just share my worst nightmare with you?
Or will you looked shocked
and abruptly change the subject to more pleasant things?

Or perhaps you've walked this road before
and I will find a kindred spirit in you.
Can I confide in you?
Will you accept my loss, my pain?

And what if I don't?
What if I decide not to share,
to treasure his memory in my mother's heart alone?
Have I betrayed my son?
Have I given into the world's opinion that he really never was a person at all?

God knows differently;
and so do I.

I held his tiny lifeless body-
there's no doubt of his humanity.
I know he lives now by Jesus' side.
I know I have another son!
He waits for me in Heaven.

Do you know he's real?
Do you care?
Perhaps you've been here yourself.

"Five," I answer softly.
"Two girls and 3 boys."
But deep inside my heart screams to me,
"No!  I have six!!  I have FOUR sons and I love them all!"
You don't see the sixth, because he waits in Heaven for me,
but that makes him no less real to me.
I have six,
and my mother's heart can not be convinced otherwise.

Do we believe life begins at conception?
Why don't we act like it?
Is God honored when we deny the existence of His tiniest creations,
the ones He spoke into being and breathed the breath of life into?

Will you please let me acknowledge ALL my children
and not think me strange or change the subject?
Will you tell me you're sorry for my loss,
and remind me of all my son has gained?

I may look "normal" to you.
I may appear to have it all together.
But please know inside I'm broken,
because my son waits in Heaven for me.
Please treat me tenderly.