One of Lorrie’s passions, besides her Kids, was taking pictures. There must be about a thousand just of our first dog, Rolex. She took more pics on our trips to Switzerland in two weeks than I did in twenty years of living there.

She created Scrap booking!

My profession lends itself to moving, so Lorrie made sure that I would think really hard about it each time by having about three thousand pounds of books and pictures. I am thankful for digital photography.

We tried the Midwest and while we made a lot of friends and had a great homeschooling network, the west coast was calling so we ended up in Eugene, OR.

“Jerry Garcia Lives!” appears to be its motto. Quite the change from the conservative farming area we moved from.

So, when the opportunity came to relocate to Central Oregon we took it. And so we moved again, all box-o-rocks (Books) and cats and dogs and whatever else we accumulated and settled in Sisters, OR. Population 1800. Where Lorrie proclaimed: “I am NOT moving again!”

(This from a woman who did not want to leave Southern California) And what a great community it has been to us.

So we both seemed to have found a place where we could grow old and ornery together.

I was pondering my life one day on the drive to work and was thinking how good I have it, a beautiful wife that’s devoted to her Family, two good kids, a job I like most of the time and a home in one of the best places to live on Earth, what else could I ask for!?!

That’s when Lorrie got diagnosed with the Stage 4 Cancer.

Life has a (not so) funny way of handing out setbacks.

At first it was pretty much a denial, how could that be? The blood tests were negative just a couple of months ago.

Then it turned to pi***d off, why her? Why not me? The children need a Mom more than a Dad. I pleaded with God and the world to give the dang cancer to me, I have life insurance, and they would be OK.

Well, that wasn’t going to happen, so the next plan was to kick the cancers butt and get another ten years together.

She did it once before she’d do it again! And we had what seemed half the world praying for Lorrie.

There were fires right around Sisters, so I was able to be home at night a good portion of the summer, I was watching Lorrie struggle with the treatment, yet there is nothing you can do other than comfort items, quite frustrating.

By mid October we knew that the chemo was not working.

I spent the next five weeks at her bedside alternately praying for a miracle and for her suffering to End.

We would talk about all the things that needed to be done and then hold each other and cry.

So you sit there at all hours watching your loved one lying in bed deteriorating and you think that if she quits breathing it will be all better for her and the next minute you’re in a panic because her breathing has stopped for a moment.

And of course with all that time to spare you’re starting to think that you should have done things differently, you should have been a better husband, should have kissed her goodbye and hello every day, told her you loved her more often, laid that tile in the entryway etc.

You’re dog-tired but you can’t sleep.

On Wednesday we were standing there during one of our “dances” to the commode. Her strength pretty much gone, but she wouldn’t let go! So we just stood there a few minutes both knowing it was near.

By Thursday morning she was in the arms of her Savior.

Dear Lorrie

As you watch me struggle from above just know that I am trying my best.

The Kids are in School. Luke is struggling with the new Math; he’s had a few meltdowns not wanting to go to School wanting you back! He appears depressed at times, sleeps more, not his jovial self.

Anja seems a little less stressed but you know how she is, keeps it inside till it boils over. Hates her homework. The teachers say they’re doing OK.

I’m having my moments, too busy doing things. They talked me into going to LA for Christmas, I’m dreading that.

I just want to thank you for everything and let you know that I love you more than ever.

Save a spot for us!

Dessert will never be the same!!!

Posted by sagerats

Your blog entries are beautiful love letters. Thank you for sharing them with us.

I met you briefly at the memorial. I'm so sorry I never got to meet Lorrie in person. She sounds like she would have been a good friend to have.

I wish I could say and do more. Just know that I am praying for you and your family and if you have any questions about this whole blog thing, you can ask.

Abiding in the Vine

Posted by Amy

Thank you for your honesty.

Posted by tn3jcarter

I'm so glad that you're journaling through all of this. If something ever happened to me, I'd hope that my husband could do that too.

A homeschool friend of mine lost her husband 3 years ago leaving her with 3 kids to raise on her own and I saw God's strength and mercy help her to just put one foot in front of the other. I pray that you and the kids will be able to see God's graciousness in the little things during this horrible time.

Posted by TrainingHearts

Thank you for sharing your heart just as your sweet Lorrie would have done with us. Your words are filled with courage and inspiration and my prayers will continue to be with you and your children.

May you feel the love of your sweet wife and mommy covering you in peace and understanding.

Posted by Anonymous

I am so touched by your writing, as I was Lorrie's. Thank you for sharing. Praying for you and your dear children

Posted by SheriLynn

Oh,I am so very sorry. I can't imagine the lonliness or pain. A photo of Lorrie, Luke and Anja is hanging on our homeschooling wall and we have kept up our prayer vigil for your family, know that we have no intention of stopping.

Posted by learning4fun

Thank you for sharing. I was only an internet friend of Lorrie and I miss my dear friend. I can't imagine losing such a wonderful best friend and mom. I am praying for you and your children.


Blessings to you all,
Tammy

Posted by Juliestew

Your words are so precious. I can't imagine what you are going through. Thanks for being man enough to share it with us here. You are an example in the midst of your pain of the God who sees us through it all. I wish what you are going through on no one, least of all your precious family. Know that I will keep you close in my prayers bringing you to the throne of Grace as you grieve. You are a good dad. You are doing the right things. You are making a difference in the lives of your children.
"Lord, send your mightiest angels to guard over this family now. How sad they must feel. How they must miss their mom and their wife. Minister to their hearts. Lavish your love and your grace into the midst of their pain. Hold them close at night as they lay awake missing the one you hold now.
Remind me to pray for them. Remind me to grieve with them. Be their everything now Lord."
In the precious name of our Savior, Jesus.
Julie

Posted by an old friend from Ireland

Dear MArco,Luke and Anya.
Once upon a happy time we all lived in R.P V spending sunny days at the park and at birthday parties together-we came from Ireland to where we returned in 1998.I lost touch with Lorrie-regrettably-but I never forgot her beautiful face, faith and gentility.I am so sorry to hear your tragic news and hope you and Luke and Anja find the strength to carry on without your beautiful Lorrie-it is so true that only the good die young and thats why God took Lorrie as she was truly a good good person.I am so sorry for your troubles and will remember you in my prayers-may God help you through.
Love from Miriam,Mike Alex Claire and Brendan.

Posted by usaoz89

Hi Just stopped by to see how you all are???
Bravery Courage and Faith are the words that came to mind when I read and prayed about what you have written. It took alot of those things to let her go. What a blessing you spent so much time with her. I suppose in death there is always regret no matter what.
Would it not be better to have Christmas where your memories were so happy, than in the place(home) for now where you have been so sad recently??? She will be wherever you are :).
Take Care
Peace and Blessing to you
Karen in Melbourne

Posted by eyecorn

Thank you for sharing your love for Lorrie with us...it is a beautiful tribute. We are all uniting in prayer for you and your precious children. It sounds like you are doing a great job of guiding their hearts through this tough time. May God continue to provide you the strength and beacon that you need.
Michelle

Posted by MommaBear9

Words seem inadequate. May the Lord bless you and keep you. Thank you for being so real and sharing your heart. I will continue to pray for you and your children.

Posted by a4givensinner

Lord, please be with this beautiful family. Give each of them abundant grace and joy that is beyond human understanding.

Lord, encourage this father that Your grace is more then enough as he continues to raise these children to love and trust You in all things.

Please be with these kids as they adjust to Christian school, and especially with math class. Be a continual presence in the classroom, as You have been in their living room; show them anew that You are all places and will never, never leave them.

Give them safe travel and rest over this holiday season. Thank You Lord that this year Lorrie will be celebrating Your birthday at Your table! Make her first Christmas in Your presence a tremendous celebration!

Edited by a4givensinner on Sunday, December 17, 2006 at 7:28 PM

Posted by creativehsmom

Dear Marco,
Thank you for trusting us with these beautiful memories. I lost my close friend to a battle with cancer this past March. I understand all too well as you described wanting the suffering to end but yet a sense of panic when breathing stopped for a moment. We sat with my friend for many, many hours. One evening, several days before my friend went home to the Lord, I rubbed her arm all through the night, telling her it would be okay. I could tell her heart rate was very, very high but she was then okay the next morning. One of the hardest things to deal with was the fact that my friend's brain had been affected by the tumor. The doctors said she couldn't understnad what any of us were saying to her, but she could. When I would speak to her, she would nod her head and gently close her eye lids to respond back to me, to let me know she understood. This continued up until the day she went home.

We are praying for you and the children. When my friend went home with the Lord, I pondered the shortest verse in scripture; John 1:35..........Jesus Wept
He tarried when He heard how sick Lazarus was, and Jesus was in tears when he saw Martha and Mary crying even though he knew He was going to raise him from the dead. I believe he was crying for several reasons: He cries with us and hurts with us, not just Martha and Mary but could it be that He knew how we all would grieve throughout time until that great day when death will be no more?
We pray you and the children will be safe as you travel and may you receive comfort indescribable and overflowing.
In Christ,
Cathy Nagle

Posted by SBadgley

Hello and blessings to you. I wanted to write and let you know that our family is going to be lifting your family up in prayer! We trust the Lord is going to work out His good will in your lives and bring you and your children comfort and healing. Right now your whole family is like little lambs in the Good Shepherd's arms. He promises to heal the broken-hearted and bind up their wounds and He will bring you comfort and love. The testimony of Lorrie's life, faith and love for her family is inspiring to us all. Thank you for sharing her with us.



We cannot fathom the depth of your pain, loneliness, and how your heart and your children's hearts must ache. The Lord knows your every need and He will be able to bring you comfort in His timing. We are all going to be lifting your family up in prayer!



When I was in fifth grade, my adoptive father was 33 years old and had a massive heart attack in front of me. He died shortly after his arrival at the hospital. To this very day, my heart aches for the absence of my father in my life. His love has continued to live on in my life though… we had many tender memories and I am now able to share them with my own husband and children. Several years ago, my own mother was diagnosed with metastic breast cancer. She was homeschooling my brother and sister who were in 6th and 7th grade while I homeschooled my daughter who was at the elementary level. My mother battled long and hard for three years. We continued homeschooling through the breast, bone, liver, and brain cancer and frequent hospitalizations, paralysis, remissions, and eventual decline. My husband and I helped homeschool my brother and sister whenever my mother could no longer. It was a long, difficult, and agonizing journey but the Lord brought us through and shed His grace, love, and peace in our lives. My mother passed away at 51 years old in December of 2002, when our second daughter was 5 months old. Our eldest daughter was 9, my brother was 16 and my sister was 14. We were all heart-broken and weary from the years of ups and downs from the battle with cancer. The past few years we have all traveled through the various stages of grief and depression and it has taken some time to experience healing. I cannot say that we are completely healed and whole but that we cling to Him more than anything else and that our hope is in His resurrection and life! The Lord has been faithful to our family.



I know He will be faithful to yours as well. In time, your children will smile again. Lorrie’s life, faith, and love will continue to live through your family. The grieving process is not easy but the Lord will bring you comfort and healing. Someone once shared with me that the grief does not fully go away, it just changes. I have found this to be very true. I hope that you have a support network and that you are surrounded by those who can help you, encourage you, cry with you, and pray for you. Please know that many of us online friends are praying for your family!



Blessings and peace to your family from ours,

Sharra

www.homeschoolblogger.com/SBadgley

Posted by Anonymous

all the craziness we create, running around buying ~buying gifts and decorating just pales when someone is hurting. May the Lord bless you and those precious kids. My heart is aching right with you, and your entries are a blessing to read. What an amazing wife, and a loving husband. Lord give you strength and grace to keep going, and to keep doing what is right. Hugs to you, dear one!

Nancy

Posted by mlpinky

My eyes are tearing up as I read your beautiful letter. Thankyou for sharing such sweet memories with us and writing about how you and the children are doing. There is no easy way to go on with life after the death of someone special. I think and pray for you and the children often.

Blessings, mlpinky

Posted by JacqueDixonSoulRestES

I don't have words, as I sit here wiping tears. We are surely all grieving with you.
God is with you. Our prayers are with you.

God bless your children. Be encouraged in that you have hope that you will see your Beloved - your Mom - again.

Hold fast to what you had with Lorrie and trust in the Lord to fulfill His plan for your lives. He will walk with you as you lead your children.

Blessings - Jacque Dixon

Posted by contented

I am so sorry for everything you are going through. Your wife sounds like she was an incredible woman who fought a good fight. I pray that God's peace would be upon you and your family this Christmas season and that you would all be able to walk in his grace.

Posted by drewsfamilytx

I'm tearfully trying to think of some way to respond but I can't... My words just seem so inadequate right now.

Please know that you ARE a GREAT dad and that God knows you are trying your best! And His grace IS sufficient to cover any of our shortcomings.

Praying for your dear children to adjust in school and for comfort to all of you this Christmas. My heart aches for the loss of their precious mommy and for the loss of your beloved.

Thank you, thank you for sharing your heart with us. If there is anything that we as a community can do for you, please let us know. In the meantime, we will PRAY!

Marsha

Posted by Christine

You and your children are in my prayers. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful words about your beautiful wife.

Love and Blessings.

Posted by Anonymous

Have you thought of moving? If you moved to a more populated area the odds are you would find someone to homeschool your children again.

Posted by bubbebobbie

We decided to have Ice Cream Sundaes for our Christmas dessert, in honor of your wife, your children and your love for each other.
Praying for you all.
Because of Jesus, Bobbie

Posted by gabalot

I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I have thought of you and your children and how difficult this Christmas will be for you. It certainly puts any problems I feel I have in perspective. I am praying for you all and hope God's grace and comfort is with you throughout the coming year and beyond.

Jennifer

Posted by kateyz

You and your beautiful children have been in my prayers since I first heard of Lorrie's illness. Remember the good times, never let your children forget how much she loved them!
I wish you all much comfort and peace
Kathleen

Posted by Testimony

I started to cry at such love and devotion to your wife. I feel too as if it is so unfair that you lost such a beautiful woman.



I pray that God's spirit will surround you and encompass you and your family this Christmas.

Sincerely,

Karen

Posted by ihopeyoudance

Hi,

I've known grief and know it can come and go like waves on a beach. I'm praying that on this day the waves can recede for some hours or a day and your precious family can perhaps even laugh together a little. Don't feel guilty about laughter, or happiness when it makes its way into your presence. The waves of grief will return until they've done their work and grief has run it's course but when you get a chance to laugh, take it.

Ruth

Posted by DandelionSeeds

Praying for you and the kids... thank you for sharing your heart. I hope you continue to write your "love letters". What a wonderful thing for your children to read some day, as well as a reminder to us all to cherish every moment.

I thought it was "ironic" that the <a href='http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/SHMILYtime/248495/'>SHMILY Time post</a> I made in Lorrie's honor had to do with writing a letter. Take a moment to read <a href='http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/DandelionSeeds/248479/A+Mother%26%2339%3Bs+T.R.E.K.+-+Lorrie.html/'>A Mother's TREK - in honor of Lorrie</a> as well.

Thank you,
Amy

Posted by DandelionSeeds

I'm not sure why those links are funny... let me know if you can't get to them.

Amy

Posted by Anonymous

i want to thank you all for the many prayers you have sent our way please keep them coming not just for us but for any one in need sometimes its all we can rely on when we know life is taken away and all we do is wait i dont think lorrie suffered.as i held her watch her breathing her last words were i want my children, she loved home schooling and injoyed writing to other about it, she had many struggles in her life cancer at 18 yrs was one but she meet her prince, she loved princess di, life. and thought she finally got hers found her faith again after allmost loosing her after giving birth. she believed till the end in her lord,i may have . lost a little girl but her husband lost his wife a mother and best friend and will be struggling for awhile so keep your prayers coming they help a lot knowing other care as well ..I read the comments daily to keep me going as i still tying to cope with all that happened all summer watching her fight with it, she was amazed at the many comments and struggled to read them mostly we read them to her .so a million thanks for them

there is not enough words to write for you to know how i feel so million more thanks to you all

lorrie,s mom in california

Posted by TrainingHearts

I hope that it's okay to stop by and let your family know that throughout the entire holiday season and in my plans for the New Year, I will be praying that you will find joy and peace. Your loss is great and thankfully your outlook shows that it is only a human loss that will be heavenly fulfilled as you reunite one day together.

In His Grace,
~Tamara

Posted by Anonymous

This made me cry. I think about Lori often...though I only started reading your blog shortly before or a little after she was diagnosed. I hope that you will continue to write about your family & your memories of Lori....I think it is good therapy. I also hope that the children get the best education possible...whatever form it takes...obviously education was important to Lori. Take care.
-thebluestbutterfly
http://coffeehobby.blogspot.com

Posted by Jaynee

I'm so sorry for the hurt you all feel. I am a wife and mother to 10 little ones (ages 10 and under). My husband and I live in southren Mexico where we are missionaries.
Since we have been on the field, we have had many trials and heartaches. Though the Lord has seen fit to keep us all hear on earth a while longer, we have have several times when either one of our children or I came very close to death.
One thing I have learned through it all is that the Lord is always right there with us. During the good times, the trials and the hurts, he is right with us and He takes us through the hard times because he loves us so much.
Keep trusting Him completely. Give Him all your hurts, fears, and struggles. He longs to have you fully depend on Him.
Last year I was in the hopital after almost bleeding to death giving birth to our 9th little one. We were thousands of miles from our family and friends and my dh cried as he struggled to care for me and take care of our young ones. He did so good. I'm so glad you are there for your precious children. Though things must be different than they use to be, the Lord is still there.
Our family is praying for you

Posted by nsremom

I'm crying as I read this.......you're a fantastic writer. This is such a legacy for your children to read this later, when it's not so raw.

God Bless your little family!

Posted by a4givensinner

Just thought I'd stop by and comment that you're still in my prayers. Hugs from our Savior to your family!!

jodi

Posted by wardssward

Here is a poem that my dad found great comfort in when my mom passed away. It helped him find words to what he was feeling. Grief is hard to explain, but is felt by us all at different times and at different degrees. You are not alone. We will be praying that God will continue to guide you day by day and give you peace. He will see you through.
~Connie~

HOW ARE YOU DOING?
You asked me how am I doing,
my wife went first,
she lives with God and here I must remain.
Now it's up to me to learn to live
with grief and pain.
You asked me how am I doing,
I don't know what to say.
Sometimes I'm doing pretty good,
it's different every day.
Sometimes I smile,
Sometimes I cry,
Sometimes I feel OK,
Sometimes I think I'm going nuts.
It's difficult to say.
Sometimes I hear her call my name,
or see her wave good bye.
Her gentle hugs are memories now,
her smiles are gone for good.
I'd love to hold her hand again;
Oh, if I could.
It's lonely here without her,
but the world keeps right on turning.
And the pain I'm feeling in my heart?
That keeps right on burning.
So ask me how am I doing
and I won't know what to say.
I haven't, truly known
since she went away.