(Its not as long at the others, but here 'tis!)
Thalionwen awoke to extreme light, the sound of the river, and constant chills. Someone was stroking her hair, and her body gently rocked on the water, like a baby in a cradle.
“Wake up, Thali.” The person replied. Thalionwen turned and looked at who was tending to her. It was Vanya, sitting beside Domynik. Vanya smiled weakly. “You were out a long time.”
When Thalionwen tried sitting up, she felt dizzy. “What…what happened?”
“We saw the Black Elves beginning their attack, and you jumped off the bridge. I guess it’s a good thing I leaped into the boat and pulled you into it.” Domynik said.
“You might have drowned otherwise.” Vanya explained, softly. Thaliowen tried to concentrate on what her friends were saying, but it was hard, for it felt like there were constant drums pounding in her ears, and her vision was blurry. “Don’t try to talk or do anything…we’re taking care of you.”
“You must have swallowed a gallon of water, for whenever one drinks much water, they tend to get sick and weak.” Domynik replied. Thaliowen breathed deeply and closed her eyes. She rested for quite a long time, for if she was ill, she had to get well so she could regain her strength.
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It seemed like hours until Thaliowen woke. She felt the ground under her back, and the warmth of a fire a few feet away. She listened to the crickets and frogs in the grass and the harsh flow of the river. She opened her eyes and turned her head: Domynik was laying a couple blankets on the ground, and Vanya was feeding the fire.
Thalionwen sat up. “So,” She began. “Fill me in…what’s happened?” Vanya looked up at her, with a glance that was unreadable.
“Why don’t we eat first?” Vanya replied with a rhetorical question. Domynik reached into his sling and pulled out three slices of deer jerky. Thalionwen nodded and accepted the food, and, along with the others, wolfed it down.
“Now,” she said when they finished. “What has been going on since I was out?” She looked from Vanya to Domynik; then she noticed that Domynik hadn’t once glanced at her: he was avoiding eye-contact. “Please, what has happened?”
Vanya curled up next to her friend. “After you leapt off the bridge, Domynik jumped into the boat to pull you in. Tod screamed at Leina and me to get in with you both…at first, I didn’t…I just couldn’t leave him, but he pushed me into the river so I could get away.” She sighed and took a quick breath. “I think…Leina is gone…but Tod…I don’t know, Thali...” Her voice cracked, tears came. Thalionwen just sat there, shock written on her face. “I’m a coward.” She whispered.
“No, Thaliowen. You’re not a coward.” Domynik exclaimed. “You’re extrememly brave!”
“Then, why did I abandon you all? Because of me, Leina is dead and Tod might be! I should’ve stayed on the bridge…”
“If you had, you would have been killed, too.” Vanya replied, looping her arm through her friend’s. “We’re not looking as you as some dastardly fool.”
“We’re just glad you’re alive.” Domynik said, scooting over to his friends.
“It would’ve been better if I had stayed…as least Tod and Leina could’ve had a chance to get away.”
“And do you know where you would be, huh?” Domynik exclaimed. Thalionwen bit her lip: she had never seen Domynik like this. He was upset, and at the same time she felt how much he cared about her. “I’d be dead” was all she could squeak out to keep from crying.
“No, Thali. You’d be taken as a prisoner to Nothgaria, where those evil elves would do terrible things to you…torturous things…and after they were done, they might even give you over to the Zuroks, and what inhumane things they’d do to you then!” He paused, and took a deep ragged breath, his face and voice softened. “No, Thali. They wouldn’t give you such a priviledge to have a quick, painless death as they did Leina. They were after you, not us…we were just in the way.”
Thalionwen sat in silence for a long time, contemplating what Domynik and Vanya had told her. She was torn between hate, shock, sadness, and anger at herself for what had happened. Her only family were gone, most likely never to be seen again. At least I have Domynik and Vanya, she thought, but the pang of sorrow over Leina and Tod was near to over-powering that thought. She felt herself slipping into a state of hopelessness. No… she whispered to herself. I can’t allow myself to lose hope, for hope is what will keep me alive, even if for a short time.
Vanya saw her friend’s face, and all the emotions that streaked it. “Thali, get some sleep. We’ll take the watches tonight.” Vanya smoothed Thalionwen’s hair; it reminded her of how Leina used to comfort her. |
March 24, 2008 - I hate anything that makes noise.
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Someone was stroking her hair, and her body gently rocked on the water, like a baby in a cradle.
Should be: Someone was stroking her hair as her body gently rocked in the water, like a baby in its cradle.
Wake up, Thali. The person [said].
I guess its a good thing I leaped into the boat and pulled you in[to it]. You don't need those two words in brackets.
Thaliowen tried to concentrate on what her friends were saying, but it was hard, [for it felt like there were constant drums pounding in her ears, and her vision was blurry.]
You need to reword that.
You must have swallowed a gall[e]on of water, [for whenever one drinks much water, they tend to get sick and weak]. Unrealist dialouge.
Then[, no comma needed] why did I abandon you all?
Were not looking [at] you as some dastardly fool.
He was upset, and at the same time she felt how much he cared [about her]. You don't need the last two words.
Her only family [was] gone
but the pang of sorrow over Leina and [Todd]
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Alrightie then! The third chapter was a okay. You said "for" a bit too much at the beginning, felt like I was being taught or recited something too. I think you need to add more description, might pick up the story a bit. This chapter just seethed of sadness. Again, it was okay.
Back to the writing site. :) Bye-cha. Kayla.
Edited by Akuchi on Mar. 24, 2008 at 2:13 PM