I recently read a book by Barbara........... I forget who.  I'm sure it will come to me eventually! (Don't hold your breath though). It was an easy read. Nothing deep or life-shattering or character building, in short- a book! I did like the main idea however.  A group of widows thought up a list of 20 things which they would like to do to improve their lives. The list wasn't for mundane 'must be done anyway' sort of things like 'gee I should exercise more' or ' how can I work out a better budget.' Instead they thought of dreams or ideas in their lives which had never come to fruition. So I have decided to think of a list for myself.  Goals to aim for as I am a goal-oriented person. It is too vague to say 'I want to be a good mom' I need something more concrete. As I always say to my son Joseph. 'I need to see what the book is saying not just have you read it to me.'  Guess that makes me a visual learner?  If I can picture something in my mind ie. crossing the finish line of a race, then it is more likely to happen. So here is the list so far.....

 HALFPINT'S LIST OF 20!!!!!!

1. run a second marathon. (I can't believe it has been eight and a half years, ugh!)

2.  go to Boston (not to visit but to run their marathon, you have to qualify first so that could be a hitch...)

3.  befriend someone  in need (I have a neighbour across the street who has cancer, we have had coffee once and I took the baby to see her but I haven't visited regularly. She has had cancer for many years apparently but I think she thinks the time is definately drawing closer......)

4.  take a class of some variety ie aerobics? or something else....

5. hug my children everyday (I don't remember to, isn't that bad? I'm not a very affectionate person. Why is it so easy to cuddle with babies though (I know, it's because they are so cute and don't talk back yet!)Saying I love you more often wouldn't hurt either.

6. kiss my husband goodnight and tell him I love him each night

7. call my mom once a week and stay in touch with my sister and Grandma's (because heh, most of them miss me and how long can a person stay emotionally closed off?)

8. make up a book list of must reads and read one a month (not of the fluff variety)

all for now.... I shall have to ponder more. Some of these things will have to wait as I am presently a nursing mother. 

I am so relieved that our fourth baby has been born! She was just short of a week overdue.  Let me tell you THAT was one long week.  My husband and I were starting to get frustrated for sure!  God knew the desire of my heart for another home birth and blessed us.  I had prayed that the baby would be born on Wednesday night  (the 16th) and I woke up at around two feeling discouraged and shedding a few tears because nothing was happening.  I have a friend who took caistor oil (s.p?) and it started her labour moving along. Unfortunately it would move things along rapidly with other 'cleansing' side affects as well.  So I bought some just in case (with the approval of my midwife who had used it before for her labours.)  I definately wasn't convinced  yet and wanted to go into labour on my own.  I had two ultrasounds booked as well since the baby was overdue.  I really hoped to be able to skip these! The next scenario if I went too far over would be me in hospital to deliver, whether having my water broke or being induced.  Thankfully God brought my labour on Thursday morning throughout the day and by 10 p.m. the baby had arrived. It was a close shave and my husband thought he might have to deliver the baby!  I have very irregular labour patterns etc so my midwife had JUST left and then my water broke.  The baby was pretty much ready to be pushed out just shortly after. It was a scary experience not knowing if I could push but wanting to and sometimes doing so. My poor husband. I think a few years have been shaved off his life :)  Now I know a little about how my dad must have felt when I was accidentally born at home!  Except I CAME and didn't wait for a doctor. Thanks to God that the midwife arrived to relieve my husband and I of our concerns!  Thus I can announce and welcome our new addition:
  ABIGAIL ADRIAANA JOHNSTON,   9 pds 2 0z.   21 and a half inches.  Born  on July 17th.

  Thank-you Lord for bringing my husband and I through that frustrating week and for taking such faithful care of us and baby Abby!

      My family and I were all coming out of the midwives yesterday and my youngest son who wears his heart on his sleeve said 'I hope the baby is still alive.'   My due date is tomorrow and he has been going with me and the other children to each midwife visit and watching me grow in size over these 'many' months.  I explained to him that I had heard the heartbeat and that the midwives had booked an appt for next week in case the baby still hadn't come.  They wouldn't just say 'see you next week' if the baby had no heartbeat.  They would be rushing us off to the hospital. 

      He has made many comments over the months saying he hopes the baby doesn't die etc.  You would think that hearing these comments would bother me as I am reminded of past losses, but I understand,  I KNOW what he is saying.   He is only a child but he has grasped the uncertainties of life and the fine line between new life and death and he is very observant.  I was thinking that it is amazing, that is, the experience of bringing a child into the world at the actual time of birth. You need so much focus to get through it and everything else falls away so that you are basically unaware of your surroundings. It's just you and your breathing.  Those are the times of complete trust in God and dependance on the professionals who are helping you.  It is all in 'their' hands and there is nothing to do but trust as you are temporarily 'incapacitated.'  What a bizarre light at the end of the tunnel feeling it all has.  One other time in life besides in childbirth or miscarriage I have had a similar experience.  It was when I was 16 and I rolled my father's truck and bashed it up real good. I remember screaming and the sound of shattering glass and crunching gravel.  I was thinking to myself in those few short moments that seemed so much longer, "I"m not ready to die." 

   These moments in life have shaped me, there is no doubt.  I don't think I fear dying but rather have walked 'hand in hand' with it and find that with God at your side it doesn't have to be about fear but rather one more part of life that you understand he is in complete control of . " If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me; and thy right hand shall hold me."  Psalm 139 vs 9-10 (the King James version).  I am presently reading the first book in the Anne of Green Gables series. Truly, I do read other books!!! There are a few passages that I have found therapeutic over the years.  Perhaps they might seem bizarre, but to me it has given voice to my thoughts and helps me with the confusion of pain. 

  "Oh, just let me cry, Marilla," sobbed Anne. "The tears don't hurt me like that ache did. Stay here for a little while with me and keep your arm round me--so....... Oh, Marilla, what will we do without him?"  (the death of Matthew Cuthbert) Anne of Green Gables, Chapter 37 by L.M. Montgomery.

 "Anne, her pale face blanched with its baptism of pain, her eyes aglow with the holy passion of motherhood, did not need to be told to think of her baby. She thought of nothing else.  For a few hours she tasted of happiness so rare and exquisite that she wondered if the angels in heaven did not envy her.........Then, as subtly, and coldly, and remorselessly as a sea-fog stealing landward, fear crept into her heart........ "Gilbert,"whispered Anne imploringly, "the baby-- is all right--isn't she? Tell me--tell me."  Gilbert was a long while in turning round; then he bent over Anne and looked in her eyes...........At sunset the little soul that had come with the dawning went away, leaving heartbreak behind it. (The death of Joyce, Anne's firstborn child) Anne's House of Dreams, Chapter 19 by L.M. Montgomery.

     Despite all the uncertainties in life we can take comfort that "all things work together for good to them that love God and are called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28  :)  My husband and I anticipate the arrival of our new one.  It will be a joy to God-willing place the little bundle in my son's arms and to calm his fears.

but rather slugging it out upwards! I have been going for my walks still usually every other day and the view is gorgeous looking down from Hamilton 'mountain' out to Lake Ontario which is a dark blue and sometimes viewing T.O. depending on the clarity of the weather.  There are lovely homes with numerous plants to look at and it is just GREAT.  Then I get home and it is an uphill climb. 

We recently had a garage sale to try and do a big dejunkification process before our wee one arrives.  Whatever didn't go in the sale we sent off to Value village.  Our workroom/storage room in the basement had been a huge CATASTROPHE for months so that my poor husband couldn't even get to his workbench. I saw an idea in the 'Focus on the Family' magazine to clean off your husband's workbench for him for Father's Day.  I decided it would have to be the WHOLE room or what would be the point of the workbench only being clean? It took  HOURS.  I guess I should have sorted through our stuff better before we moved ;)  Now I finished the laundryroom as well and have moved onto the rec room/toyroom. I must continue to get rid of stuff because I spend too much time moving around the piles. What a burden 'things' can be.  So when I say I am having an uphill climb of late I am actually more like Christian in "Pilgrim's Progress" slugging onward with my backpack of useless belongings.  I am also having an uphill climb with my emotions. I spent most of last week crying, ah pregnancy. I'm not usually a big crier but rather come across as being more hard-hearted in general. I know I have been even more grumpy and impatient of late as well.... I can't believe there is only 3 1/2 weeks left. I MUST  get more done before the baby comes because I KNOW from experience I will be too tired for quite awhile after that for any huge projects. I hardly know what to feel. Is it a boy? Is it a girl? How about labour again, how will that go? I am very thankful that Jer will be completely done school when he/she arrives.  Well, must get back at it..... no time to waste.

     My  husband and I went out last night with another couple to see the fourth Indiana Jones movie. I can't describe how nostalgic I felt as the opening credits came on and I was swept back to my youth and teenagehood.  But then.... heh, it's an old man in the lead role!  Wait a minute, I saw the last Indiana movie when I was 15 or 16 I believe. Oh dear!  Do I have as much mileage on my face as Harrison? Yikes!

      It was an enjoyable time I will say. I just couldn't decide how I felt about the number of years that have passed and that people really are getting older and that much closer to the grave. Ah me.  Still not sure what I thought of the whole alien thing.... the funniest part in the movie had to do with a snake of course (for any of you who know Indiana) It was good to be out with another couple.  They are sweet together and have the 'soon to be married' glow. Another reminder of my age and the fact that I have been married 11 years and am expecting my fourth baby in 4 1/2 weeks! But I'm not quite over the hill yet. Though I am very pregnant I went for my walk this morning AND did a tonne of weeding etc in our backyard.  So take that Indy!! I may not be in my 60's but you try carrying a baby in the heat man!

      Yesterday afternoon my husband's Opa passed away from bone and lung cancer.  We were able to go and say good-bye to him just hours before he crossed over. Unfortunately he wasn't 'awake' because of all the pain and a high dosage of morphine.  The last time I saw him was a couple of months back.  He came to our house with my father-in-law to do some tests at a Hamilton hospital.  He had never seen our home before since it has only been just over a year since we moved.                                                       I was doing needlepoint today and all of a sudden it washed over me, "I can't believe he is gone." I wasn't sure what made me think of it but then I connected the dots.  He was always doing a needlepoint and many grace the walls of numerous homes.  I felt connected as I did this enjoyable little hobby and remembered plunking down beside him on our couch when he visited.  He put his arm around me and we chatted.  Later I was told that he said to my father-in-law "they don't make them like that anymore"  meaning I was sweet and loving.  He'll never know this side of glory how much I value those words which were never said to my ears but only repeated secondhand. It means he could see Christ in me and love and something BEAUTIFUL. It will be a reminder to me for the rest of my days of how when you value someone you need to SHOW them and not just assume they know. I will greatly miss him and I have been blessed to be a part of his family legacy these past  thirteen years since meeting Jer. He adopted me as his own just like Christ and I am a better person because of that. 

 I love you Opa, you are at peace.

May is one of my favourite months (the other is October).  There is so much to look forward to. First, I get to start out with Mother's Day and some cute things from my kids. Next, I greatly enjoy having the flowers blooming,in particular the lilacs which  take me back to the days of childhood.  I lived right beside my grandparents on their ninety-eight acres(we lived on the other two acres of the 100).  Each spring I would go to the back of their home where they had MANY lilac bushes and I would pick big bunches for both our house and my Grandma's. It is also the month in which I celebrate being married to my wonderful husband Jeremy and I'm reminded of our honeymoon in Ireland.  What an adventure!  So much fun and I'm so glad we went since life is so busy and money is.....  Next, is the reminder of my father on his birthday (who will be turning 60 ).Last  but not least is having had the privelege of welcoming two children to our family this month.  Both were home births and great experiences overall. I am SO glad that I am NOT adding to that number this month as I am nowhere close to being ready. That joy is reserved for July (the birthday month of my other child)and yes I do know there are more than two months of the year to have children. I just happen to favour those two :) 

Oh yippee!  It is the first night of swimming lessons!  I am awaiting this time with bated breath.  Who can resist that chlorine smell?  Or the saliva and other unmentionables floating by in the water!  You get to walk in bare feet on other peoples germs and in the bathrooms on more of peoples germs (unless you are like me and put shoes on yourself and your kids because you can't bear the thought!)  I had all kinds of ambitions to teach my children to swim, I was after all an instructor and lifeguard!  I've got all the swim skills down pat and if I do say so myself I am quite graceful at it!  But alas, the key words are I WAS an instructor many years ago.  I would teach all morning long in a freezing cold outdoor pool so therefore I was #1 wet for hours  #2 splashed for hours  #3 wearing an uncomfortable bathing suit for hours.  Now why would a  desire arise within me to teach my kids? One of the many delusions I had pre-children! I have done the occasional bouts of floating here and there with them, but common!  A girl should only be forced to do things like that when a spry teenager. 

 About a year ago I was swimming lengths (which is very good exercise by the way).  It is good for your joints and a great way to cross-train if you like to run.  You don't get high definition muscles but it does 'sculpt' your body.  (I forget the word so I'm using sculpt, it will come back to me when I'm no longer pregnant!)  At least you can swim at the speed you want and you aren't usually splashed or bonked with swim toys!  Well, I must force myself to go for the safety of my children!  But don't expect me to sing about it.....that was only for the title!

I am about to embark on a baking journey which includes two coffee cakes.  MMM... brown sugar, cinnamon, nuts...the perfect thing to go with a coffee or tea.  First, I get to smell them baking, then to carefully take them from their pans.  Next, I will gingerly cut up the pieces because who wants it all crumbled apart?  Lastly, I will put it on a plate and.........give it away!  Can you believe it?  I know, shocking and sad but true. These two beauties shall be shipped off to my husband's school and devoured by the school staff.  It is only one time for a whole school year but man, I am a pregnant lady after all! The cruel punishment of it! (I suppose I should sample a piece as I wouldn't want it to be unpalatable!)  There is an expression "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach."  Well, whoever coined the phrase did not know ME.  It is also the way to MY heart as my husband well knows.  Thanks to all my faithful readers for their compassion.  I shall go on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I am now just past 20 weeks in my pregnancy.  To me this is exciting because 'they' say it is all downhill from halfway. I don't think this actually applies to marathons (the only 'one' that I did) or to pregnancy. I think the challenges are rather uphill and it gets more challenging as you progress (other than the queasy part at the beginning).  There is something so encouraging though about knowing that there is some mileage behind me.  So comforting to feel this baby moving around so much (and hoping it isn't hyperactive). O.k  so I don't totally stay away from caffeine but I try to control it!   When you are halfway to somewhere you can either look back and say "Hey, I'm not doing too bad here!"  or "Whoa, I better get my act in gear and improve while I can.'" Both can be motivating and encouraging.

My husband said he saw a new baby at school the other day and could hardly believe how little it was. I think it made him that much closer to realizing we (God-willing) will have a new one in our home in July. Perhaps he can comfort himself with this as I  flip out emotionally for the umpteenth time, ha ha.  I am reminded in all this of Jer 29:11 " For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you...."  I find pregnancy to be a fragile time. I am constantly reminded of another person's well-being.  What I do affects him or her.  When I get angry my blood pressure no doubt goes up,  when I go walking I can almost picture the baby saying "Ah, fresh air." and when I cry it feels like the baby knows my pain.  All of this is whimsy I know but I am comforted that God always knows and cares.  I am tied to him just like this baby to me.  My life, breath and well-being should be centered on Him or I find myself not growing properly and functioning poorly.  I am halfway to somewhere and it feels great......

is what I received today. I was able to serve my neighbours for once and it felt great. Usually I am in my own space bubble of church, homeschooling, pregnancy and family life in general.  I am so happy I had a chance to break out of that mold today (and get some exercise in the process too). I met two people I never knew before, saw great wood carvings of a very talented man and was blown a kiss from a woman who is undergoing chemo treatments ( a miracle itself that she has some love to share amidst her sorrow and sickness).  How great God is.  How small is my world.  How blessed am I.......