My family and I were all coming out of the midwives yesterday and my youngest son who wears his heart on his sleeve said 'I hope the baby is still alive.'   My due date is tomorrow and he has been going with me and the other children to each midwife visit and watching me grow in size over these 'many' months.  I explained to him that I had heard the heartbeat and that the midwives had booked an appt for next week in case the baby still hadn't come.  They wouldn't just say 'see you next week' if the baby had no heartbeat.  They would be rushing us off to the hospital. 

      He has made many comments over the months saying he hopes the baby doesn't die etc.  You would think that hearing these comments would bother me as I am reminded of past losses, but I understand,  I KNOW what he is saying.   He is only a child but he has grasped the uncertainties of life and the fine line between new life and death and he is very observant.  I was thinking that it is amazing, that is, the experience of bringing a child into the world at the actual time of birth. You need so much focus to get through it and everything else falls away so that you are basically unaware of your surroundings. It's just you and your breathing.  Those are the times of complete trust in God and dependance on the professionals who are helping you.  It is all in 'their' hands and there is nothing to do but trust as you are temporarily 'incapacitated.'  What a bizarre light at the end of the tunnel feeling it all has.  One other time in life besides in childbirth or miscarriage I have had a similar experience.  It was when I was 16 and I rolled my father's truck and bashed it up real good. I remember screaming and the sound of shattering glass and crunching gravel.  I was thinking to myself in those few short moments that seemed so much longer, "I"m not ready to die." 

   These moments in life have shaped me, there is no doubt.  I don't think I fear dying but rather have walked 'hand in hand' with it and find that with God at your side it doesn't have to be about fear but rather one more part of life that you understand he is in complete control of . " If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me; and thy right hand shall hold me."  Psalm 139 vs 9-10 (the King James version).  I am presently reading the first book in the Anne of Green Gables series. Truly, I do read other books!!! There are a few passages that I have found therapeutic over the years.  Perhaps they might seem bizarre, but to me it has given voice to my thoughts and helps me with the confusion of pain. 

  "Oh, just let me cry, Marilla," sobbed Anne. "The tears don't hurt me like that ache did. Stay here for a little while with me and keep your arm round me--so....... Oh, Marilla, what will we do without him?"  (the death of Matthew Cuthbert) Anne of Green Gables, Chapter 37 by L.M. Montgomery.

 "Anne, her pale face blanched with its baptism of pain, her eyes aglow with the holy passion of motherhood, did not need to be told to think of her baby. She thought of nothing else.  For a few hours she tasted of happiness so rare and exquisite that she wondered if the angels in heaven did not envy her.........Then, as subtly, and coldly, and remorselessly as a sea-fog stealing landward, fear crept into her heart........ "Gilbert,"whispered Anne imploringly, "the baby-- is all right--isn't she? Tell me--tell me."  Gilbert was a long while in turning round; then he bent over Anne and looked in her eyes...........At sunset the little soul that had come with the dawning went away, leaving heartbreak behind it. (The death of Joyce, Anne's firstborn child) Anne's House of Dreams, Chapter 19 by L.M. Montgomery.

     Despite all the uncertainties in life we can take comfort that "all things work together for good to them that love God and are called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28  :)  My husband and I anticipate the arrival of our new one.  It will be a joy to God-willing place the little bundle in my son's arms and to calm his fears.