Wow, God is really speaking to me a lot through the Rod and Staff Bible Stories I am doing with the girls every morning.  Yesterday it was Joseph~today it was Job.  Now THAT's bad things happening to good people.  And Job had it so much worse than we do...we still have a roof over our heads, our dear children, and our health.  But no matter what trials come our way, may we always say,

Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him!!! Job 13:15

I started blogging and erased it all...I don't want to go into the gory details of our financial dilemma.  I just want to focus on the Solution, not the problem.  This morning I was reading about Joseph with the girls.  A perfect examply of Bad Things Happen to Good People.  Only sometimes I wonder if we are being punished.  I keep asking God to show us if we're doing something wrong...to help us do what we need to do...I keep vacillating between "God is just allowing this trial to prepare us for something" and "We've really screwed up and this is our punishment."  It's not a fun place to be.

This is the song that came to mind this morning:

1. What a friend we have in Jesus,
   All our sins and griefs to bear!
   What a privilege to carry
   Everything to God in prayer!
   Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
   Oh, what needless pain we bear,
   All because we do not carry
   Everything to God in prayer!
2. Have we trials and temptations?
   Is there trouble anywhere?
   We should never be discouraged—
   Take it to the Lord in prayer.
   Can we find a friend so faithful,
   Who will all our sorrows share?
   Jesus knows our every weakness;
   Take it to the Lord in prayer.
3. Are we weak and heavy-laden,
   Cumbered with a load of care?
   Precious Savior, still our refuge—
   Take it to the Lord in prayer.
   Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
   Take it to the Lord in prayer!
   In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
   Thou wilt find a solace there.
4. Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised
   Thou wilt all our burdens bear;
   May we ever, Lord, be bringing
   All to Thee in earnest prayer.
   Soon in glory bright, unclouded,
   There will be no need for prayer—
   Rapture, praise, and endless worship
   Will be our sweet portion there.

Well, I guess that was God :)

Last night as I was lying in bed the words of this song came to me.  It is an old song by a gospel group called The Friends.  My grandma had some of their albums when I was growing up, and we would often listen to them together.  This one particular song always touched me so deeply~

When I try to say how much I love Him

Everything I've seen that is beautiful

Comes to mind

I think of all the things that impress me

But all of these are inadequate I find

Like flower gardens, flowing waters

Murmuring springs and meadows green

Can't say

No picture painted

Can express my love

In any way

For the floweres fade

And the grass may die

And the rivers may stop flowing

Things that impress me today

May not tomorrow

I have no way of knowing

But I want to express my love in words

And Lord, you know they're true

They're words that I've told you a million times

But hear them again

Jesus, I love you

Truth be told...I never tell Jesus I love Him.  I thank Him, I praise Him, but I never say those words.  The reason?  I just don't feel like I do, and I don't want to lie.  Don't get me wrong...it's not that I don't know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is altogether WORTHY of my love...but something in me prevents me from loving Him.  DH says I do love Him or I wouldn't even care that I feel this way.  I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I am always failing.  That I disobey...Jesus said if I loved Him, I would keep his commandments.  I know I am not the mother I should be...I get angry and lose my temper so often.  I don't spend as much time in the Word or in prayer as I should.  So why should my failures affect my love for God?  I guess I feel like Adam and Eve...hiding because I know I've done wrong.  It doesn't matter if I confess my sin...I've grown so tired of confessing the same sin over and over countless times.  I know God loves me because He just does~that it is not based on my performance.  But tell that to my heart~it just doesn't get it.

SO, my prayer last night after running through that precious old song was that God would help me to love Him, and that that love would be expressed through my mothering.  And I have to believe He will answer.