Last night as I was lying in bed the words of this song came to me.  It is an old song by a gospel group called The Friends.  My grandma had some of their albums when I was growing up, and we would often listen to them together.  This one particular song always touched me so deeply~

When I try to say how much I love Him

Everything I've seen that is beautiful

Comes to mind

I think of all the things that impress me

But all of these are inadequate I find

Like flower gardens, flowing waters

Murmuring springs and meadows green

Can't say

No picture painted

Can express my love

In any way

For the floweres fade

And the grass may die

And the rivers may stop flowing

Things that impress me today

May not tomorrow

I have no way of knowing

But I want to express my love in words

And Lord, you know they're true

They're words that I've told you a million times

But hear them again

Jesus, I love you

Truth be told...I never tell Jesus I love Him.  I thank Him, I praise Him, but I never say those words.  The reason?  I just don't feel like I do, and I don't want to lie.  Don't get me wrong...it's not that I don't know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is altogether WORTHY of my love...but something in me prevents me from loving Him.  DH says I do love Him or I wouldn't even care that I feel this way.  I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I am always failing.  That I disobey...Jesus said if I loved Him, I would keep his commandments.  I know I am not the mother I should be...I get angry and lose my temper so often.  I don't spend as much time in the Word or in prayer as I should.  So why should my failures affect my love for God?  I guess I feel like Adam and Eve...hiding because I know I've done wrong.  It doesn't matter if I confess my sin...I've grown so tired of confessing the same sin over and over countless times.  I know God loves me because He just does~that it is not based on my performance.  But tell that to my heart~it just doesn't get it.

SO, my prayer last night after running through that precious old song was that God would help me to love Him, and that that love would be expressed through my mothering.  And I have to believe He will answer.