There is a very fine line between trusting God and tempting God and I am not sure where the blur ends from one side to another. I feel like I trapped in this line and if I move one way I am blessed and if I move the other, well, not so blessed.

Our pastor preached a while ago about tempting God and it has made such an impression on me and yet leaves me second guessing everything I do. Our pastor has had diabetes for a very long time. He made the example of saying yes, he could and does trust God for his healing, but he is not going to tempt God by saying "Alright God, heal me. I'm not going to take any of the medicines you have provided me with but I have faith that you are going to heal me." I totally see the line there. He could very well not give himself an insulin shot every day with complete faith that he would be healed, but more than likely he would not be here. God has provided us with wonderful medical technology. God expects us to do our part in protecting His temple.

Here is my predicament ... I have two very lovely children. I had a third precious daughter that went to be with her Creator 19 weeks into my pregnancy. I had the same problem in all three pregnancies, failure to dilate. Not just getting stuck at 2 or 5 and never progressing any further. When I say I had failure to dilate I mean there was no dilation at all! Not at 41 weeks, not at 38 weeks and not even after 4 days on induction meds at 19 weeks. I must always have a c-section. I am very thankful to God that someone  many, many years ago learned out to cut babies from the womb that they might live. If it were not for that person, and God's never-ending grace,  I would not have any children.
So here I am walking this very blurred, fine line between temptation and trust. Part of me says that I have two beautiful children, two more than a lot of people are blessed with, and for that I should be entirely thankful (and I am) and be done; nurture the two I have in my presence in the admonition of the Lord and be the best mother I can be by God's grace. The other part of me says that I have the ability to make and carry babies (there was no reason found at all for me losing Joslyn) and that for that very reason alone I should keep adding to my quiver. Its just such a struggle in my mind and it is totally wearing me down. I have wanted children as long as I can remember ever thinking of having kids and I think I was like 2 days old when the thought first occurred to me. I am at a point now where I am "allowed" to start trying for another baby. The thought scares me to death. There are many complications that can arise from having a c-section. Would I be tempting God to try again, or would I be trusting Him to protect me and my family?
Such a grey line. A fuzzy line of black and white bleeding together and muddling my mind.