***I gave
this as a 5 minute "Mother's Moment" at my mom's group today, so some
of the language is talking to people instead of writing to people!***
As
I prepared for this reflection on how God is working in my life, it was
hard to know where to start—and for me, that is a very exciting thing. The
last two weeks have been full of awakenings, revelations, and
connections in my life, this after several years of living in the
desert. Desert times as a Christian can be very hard—the times that, though I didn’t lose my faith in God’s presence, I didn’t feel it. The times when, though I may pray continually, it feels as if it is unanswered. The times when, though I continue to worship, my heart is not at rest, at peace. The times of loneliness. I would love to go into some more background, but it would take a long time. I’ll
say for various reasons and causes, I’ve been feeling lonely, and
emotionally numb, and only in the past weeks have I even realized that. I’ve
been living in a fog, struggling to motivate myself each day; feeling
overwhelmed by what faces me. I had a very similar period during the
time my husband was in seminary. I fought it then, and it just continued. Finally, when we moved to Oakland, it lifted, and I enjoyed much growth. Two months later, A. was born, and somewhere in there it shifted from “new baby fatigue/hormone changes” to “Spiritual desert”. This time, though, I didn’t fight it, I just became numb to it. In the past two weeks, God has been so present in my life. It started on the retreat, and has continued since then. I’m seeing God again, not just going through the motions. I’m feeling joy in my life, instead of the almost constant feeling of nothing that I had been experiencing. So how do I move forward? After being in this pattern for nearly 2 years, and for 2 years before that, how do I prevent myself from going back? I know that hormones and fatigue have played a role. But at the same time, I know I have lessons to learn, and with that LONG intro, I want to share one of them with you today. My question is: Am I eating the right food? Let me read Isaiah 55:1-2, from the New Living Translation:
Is anyone thirsty? Come and drink—even if you have no money! Come, take your choice of wine or milk—it’s all free! Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength? Why pay for food that does you no good? Listen, and I will tell you where to get food that is good for the soul! I’m thirsty! I’m hungry! I need strength. That’s very clear. So, what is that food that is good for the soul? How do I get it? In John 7:37, Jesus says, “If you are thirsty, come to me! If you believe in me, come and drink!”, and in John 6;48, he says, “I am the bread of life!” Clearly, we find it in the Bible, in Jesus, and through prayer. I know that, and I have known that for years. However,
I would daresay that most of us today can admit to having read the
Bible a time or two without ever taking any of it in—reading it to
check it off the list. Or praying a rote prayer while thinking of the
grocery list in the back of your head. If it is going to be food for the soul, it needs to be more than a cursory reading or a few words strung together. The first thing I see as I look back is that the Jesus, and the Word of God haven’t been feeding me. I’m spending my “money” on what doesn’t give me strength. Specifically in my life, I’m spending my time money on the internet. I have taken something that is mostly positive, and made it into what is supposed to fill my needs. I don’t spend an excessive amount of time online. I do have true friends I’ve met online. I do legitimate research, and seek legitimate support. But I'm letting that time on the internet fill me. When I’m feeling empty, overwhelmed, tired, I’m turning to my computer. I’m allowing it to fill parts of me that need satisfying food and drink, not food that doesn’t give me strength. I eat at the computer, and leave it still in a fog, as if I just ate candy bars instead of a sandwich. The satisfaction is fleeting, and I’ll have to keep eating again and again. I want to fill up on that which satisfies me. Now, I don’t have a three-step, guaranteed, no-fail plan. I’m still in the discovery stage! I do see for me right now that I need to be grazing all day. I need constant input right now, picking up my Bible, or a devotion book, or 5 minutes in prayer, several times a day. I get overwhelmed with 2 young kids to think about sitting down for an hour—but then I do nothing. I need to recognize I can spend smaller amounts of time throughout my day to sustain me. I can eat more than once a day! So
as I step out of my desert and into the fertile land once again, I
praise God for sustaining me even when I felt overwhelmed, or alone… or
even when I felt nothing at all. And I know that I’ll feel those ways again. But I also will be seeking to fill my body with food that satisfies me, not with food that just covers up my hungriness.
|
