~Beyond The Red Door~
May. 17, 2008
Liking Each Other
This week's Marriage MIssions article is very good! And it's well worth the few minutes it will take you to read it. You can find a link to their website with more amazing articles at the end of this one.
Liking Each Other
Just because you're married and you live in the same house together, and just because you love each other, that doesn't mean that you still LIKE each other, or at least SHOW that you like each other. It may be one of the best kept secrets around! Or maybe it isn't.
NOTE: "Only five out of a hundred teens interviewed in a major marital study desired a marriage like their parent's. Just five. Why? There were a number of reasons given, but I ultimately believe it's because your kids are watching. You may think you're hiding the anguish produced by your inability to connect and love, but you're only kidding yourself. They hear it in your every word to each other and see it in your lack of contact. It charges the air" (Dr Tim Clinton, from the book, "Before a Bad Goodbye").
There's an advertisement that appears on television that has an older couple commenting on how much they enjoy being together even though they've been married for many years. The husband says, "There are only a few couples our age that we know still like each other." As I heard this, I thought, "What a sad but true testimony!" After years of marriage, many couples get to the point where they tolerate each other more than they like each other. Kids pick up on it, others pick up on it, and so should you, if that is what is happening in your marriage.
In Gary Thomas' book, "Devotions for a Sacred Marriage", he writes about the "brides-to-be" and the married women he talked with at a marriage conference. Those that were not yet married "gushed with enthusiasm" about the things they liked and loved about the men they would be marrying. But the married women emphasized the faults they saw in their husbands, rather than their good points.
He asked himself: "Where is the bridge that leads a woman to stop defining a man by what he is and start defining him by what he is NOT?" He said, "The sad answer, unfortunately, is marriage. All our hopes, expectations, dreams, and ideals get poured into this real relationship. Because we marry a sinner, each day brings a new and often legitimate disappointment. Before long, we stop seeing what attracted us and instead become consumed by what disappoints us. Whereas before marriage our eyes filled with the glory of the person we had chosen to spend our lives with, now our eyes get filled only with their shortcomings."
Some of you are dealing with HUGE shortcomings and HUGE bridges that have fallen down between you -- bridges that seem impossible to rebuild. It's difficult for us to say if that which is separating you right now can be bridged. But, "with God all things are possible." Please don't keep focusing on the impossible, but rather on what is possible with God.
A few weeks ago we were with Clint and Penny Bragg, who were divorced for over 11 years. God worked within both of them in separate parts of the country and drew them back together. They eventually remarried. Their differences were as far as the East is from the West, but it didn't stop God. You can hear their testimony at www.inverseministries.com. Some of you may want to read their testimony in the book, "Can My Marriage Be Saved" (featured on our web site in the "Save My Marriage" section under links and resources). What's great is that it has 21 other testimonies of marriages that were on the brink of, or were already divorced, and yet God resurrected their marriages. Even when there appears to be no bridges that can be built, it's amazing what God can do when even one partner is open to approaching things differently. All of these couples now love AND like each other and keep working to keep it that way.
The problem can often be that because in marriage we can see each other's flaws, we concentrate on what we don't like about each other, rather than what we do. We stop making the effort to continue to romance and encourage good feelings about each other. Many of us believe that marriages go bad because of the fighting that occurs. But, "The issue isn't whether you fight, it's HOW you fight and how rich your stockpile of GOOD feelings is about each other to weather difficulties and keep your basic attitude toward your partner positive" (Dr John Gottman).
Dr Willard Harley, founder of the "Marriage Builders" ministry, refers to stockpiling "good feelings," as depositing "love units." He writes: "Inside all of us is a Love Bank with accounts in the names of everyone we know. When these people are associated with our good feelings, 'love units' are deposited into their accounts, and when they are associated with our bad feelings, love units are withdrawn. We are emotionally attracted to people with positive balances and repulsed by those with negative balances. This is the way our emotions encourage us to be with people who seem to treat us well, and avoid those who seem to hurt us."
The point we're trying to make is to emphasize the importance of building upon the love and respect you gave in the beginning of your relationship to "stockpile" and add to your good feelings for each other. Surprisingly, the "love units" you give to your marriage partner, usually don't have to be big. As a matter of fact, they can and usually are a lot of little choices you make to show your love and "like" for your spouse. As Simone Signoret once said, "Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years." The problem is that we after marriage, many of us forget to keep sewing. Our love and "like" for each other dies of neglect.
Marriage expert Dr John Gray talks about the importance of doing little things to help the romance to stay alive in marriage. He says, "Doing little things to create romance is like building a fire. You cannot start it with the big logs. You have to start it with some paper, then adding kindling and the big logs. In the beginning of a relationship, we naturally start out with the paper and kindling. After we put the big logs in, we stop. However, to keep the passion alive in our relationships, we need to start out EVERY DAY with paper and kindling as well."
Annie Chapman wrote an article that appeared in the Fall 2006 issue of Marriage Partnership Magazine titled "Staying in Like." In it she wrote, "People get married because they love each other. But they stay married because they like each other." She goes on to tell a key to "staying in like". It's to "Be likable. When you choose a friend, don't you look for someone who's pleasant, attractive, and enjoyable to be with? I don't tend to stay in long-term friendships with people who are always negative, boring, or unhappy, and I shouldn't expect my mate to either. Since he and I are committed to each other, we want that 'staying' to be as fun as possible."
Ask God and keep asking God, to show you things you can do to build "love units" with your spouse. Read your Bible. There are thousands of things written there to apply in your marriage. Our Wonderful Counselor, the Holy Spirit, will guide you as to what you can do. If you don't like or love your spouse, ask God to show you how to begin again. (We have a "Romantic Ideas" section on our web site that could help you among many other things to get good "sparks" going again in your relationship.) Ask your God, whose very name means LOVE to guide you how to love your spouse so eventually you both love and even like each other. WORK on liking each other.
"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God" (Ephesians 5:1-2).
Blessings in Him,
Cindy and Steve Wright
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May. 16, 2008
The Crazy Lady
Today is Show & Tell day over at Kelli's House. Every Friday is actually. And this week I actually have something to show and tell about. It is my Mother's Day gifts. Yes, I know LAST Sunday was Mother's Day. But NO CALENDAR CAN HOLD ME! I AM BOUND BY NOONE! I AM FREE AS A BIRD! And, pretty much, I'm just a procrastinator. My motto is - better late than never! But I am proud to say that my mother actually got her card AND gift BEFORE the holiday this year. She nearly fainted. I like to keep them guessing - will this be the year she is on time? Or will this be there year she is a week late? Oh the joys of having me as a child! Gotta keep them on their toes!
Thankfully, my husband and children are nothing like me!!!! Which we all thank the good Lord for every holiday that rolls aorund. In all honesty I just like birthdays and holidays that "keep on giving".
Anyway, here is my Show & Tell entry for this week.
Since we moved into our newly built home I have wanted a nice set of chairs to sit on the front porch. I enjoy sitting outside when the weather is nice and talking and watching the kids play or just the birds flying around. So, Ron took me to Cracker Barrel and let me pick a couple of their rockers. Isn't it a homey look? He is going to make me a little table to put there in the middle. The beautiful red flowers are some that I got when Dad was here and we planted flowers.
One day while I was at the computer I saw a humming bird fly up and check out those red flowers in the previous picture. So, Lauren bought me a humming bird feeder for Mother's Day. Isn't it a beautiful red? I haven't seen my little friend return yet. But I'm expecting him anytime. Once he gets a nibble he will bring all of his friends.
Michael bought me this birdfeeder. It is certainly staying busy too. I'm actually having a problem keeping the big black birds away so that the cute little birds can come for a snack. Those blackbirds are just bullies!!!! I'm not sure what to do about them yet. But when I'm sitting here at the computer and see them come up and chase the little cuties away I scare them off. Sometimes I use a ruler to tap on the window. But my favorite way to scare them off is to run out the front door screaming. It's fun to watch them scatter. And it's fun to wonder about that crazy lady in the house with the red door. It makes them wonder about what other crazy things happens "Beyond the Red Door".
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May. 11, 2008
The Influence of a Wife and Mother
This is this week's article from Marriage MIssions. While trying to decide what to write about today I came to the conclusion that they say it a whole lot better than I ever could. You can find a link to their website at the end of the article.
Enjoy!
The Influence of a Wife and Mother
With Mother's Day being celebrated this Sunday, we're concentrating on the influence a wife and mother can bring into her home. She brings either a softening or a hardening touch to most every situation, when it relates to that which involves her children and her husband. As author Melanie Chitwood says, "Women are the heart of the home, and our attitudes set the emotional temperature in our families. A wife's positive attitude can permeate our home like the sweet aroma of freshly picked flowers, or negative attitude can pollute her home like stinky garbage."
The Bible says, "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life" (Proverbs 31:10-12). However, "A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand" (Proverbs 27:15-16). "Better to live in a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife" (Proverbs 25:24). "Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife" (Proverbs 21:19). "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down" (Proverbs 14:1).
Do you see what I mean as far as the influence a woman can bring into her home? So, for this Marriage Message, we'd like to give our women readers a number of quotes to read that can affirm, challenge, and help as you participate with God as His colleague, in ministering within your home. (Next month Steve will address the men on Father's Day, so don't think this will stay one-sided forever.)
~ "Your greatest temptation to sin is when someone first sins against you. But their sin never justifies your sin.' This is as true for spouses as it is for siblings. Fighting your husband's irresponsibility with irresponsibility of your own is like pouring gasoline on a fire; it just makes things that much more explosive, that much worse. The Bible recommends a more subversive approach: let love conquer evil; let responsibility shame irresponsibility." ..."It's a spiritual fact that kindness kills wickedness far more effectively than nagging, complaining, or disrespect. Remember, God won us with grace when we were his rebellious enemies. He doesn't ask anything of you that he hasn't already done himself. God says that we are responsible to love, even in the face of another's irresponsibility." (Gary Thomas, "Sacred Influence")
~ "Have you ever heard it said that some people brighten a room just by their presence, while others brighten the room by leaving? We want to be room lighters, not gloomy grumblers. Jesus told his followers, 'Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven' (Matthew 5:16). He wasn't saying we should be 'Sally Smiles' or 'Frieda Fake' or 'Polly Perfect'; he was saying that God has placed his gospel of truth, joy, and hope in our hearts, and we shouldn't hide it. We should let it radiate from our lives. And as we shine with the Lord's love, others will be drawn to him." (Karol Ladd, "The Power of a Positive Wife")
~ "Only one perfect man ever walked this earth, and he never married. Since every wife is married to an imperfect man, every wife will have legitimate disappointments in her marriage. Are you going to define your husband by these disappointments, or will you pray that God will open your eyes to the common blessings that your husband provides and to which you often become blinded?" (Gary Thomas, "Sacred Influence")
~ "Many women I meet at our seminars ask me how they can change their husbands. I gently remind them that the Holy Spirit -- not the wife -- is the change agent. Speaking to this same situation, Ruth Graham wisely says, 'Tell your mate the positive, and tell God the negative.' Talk to God about your marriage. Ask your heavenly Father to work change through His Spirit -- and know that He may change you as well as your spouse!" (Bob Barnes, "Your Husband Your Friend")
~ "Make a point of listening carefully to yourself during an hour spent with your husband. Then try to put yourself in his shoes and evaluate the way you behaved and the words you spoke. Try to assess whether you helped draw him closer to yourself as his wife, and to God's kingdom, or whether you pushed him further away" ... "Reflect honestly about your life, and think about any of your actions or attitudes that probably make it harder for other people to believe in Jesus. Repent when you are ready, and ask God to help you change" (Michael and Diane Fanstone, "Praying for Your Unbelieving Husband").
~ "Let me make it perfectly clear that the power of a praying wife is not a means of gaining control over your husband, so don't get your hopes up! In fact, it is quite the opposite. It's laying down all claim to power in and of yourself, and relying on God's power to transform you, your husband, your circumstances, and your marriage. This power is not given to wield like a weapon in order to beat back an unruly beast. It's a gentle tool of restoration appropriated through the prayers of a wife who longs to do right more than be right, and to give life more than get even. It's a way to invite God's power into your husband's life for his greatest blessing, which is ultimately yours, too." (Stormie Omartian, "The Power of a Praying Wife")
~ "Many difficult things that happen in a marriage relationship are actually part of the enemy's plan set up for its demise. But we can say, 'I will not allow anything to destroy my marriage.' 'I will not stand by and watch my husband be wearied, beaten down, or destroyed.' 'I will not sit idle while an invisible wall goes up between us.' 'I will not allow confusion, miscommunication, wrong attitudes, and bad choices erode what we are trying to build together.' 'I will not tolerate hurt and unforgiveness leading us to divorce.'"
"We can take a stand against any negative influences in our marriage relationship and know that God has given us authority in his name to back it up. You have the means to establish a hedge of protection around your marriage because Jesus said, 'Whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven' (Matthew 18:18). You have authority in the name of Jesus to stop evil and permit good. You can submit to God in prayer whatever controls your husband -- alcoholism, workaholism, laziness, depression, infirmity, abusiveness, anxiety, fear, or failure -- and pray for him to be released from it" (Stormie Omartian, "The Power of a Praying Wife").
~ Lord, help me to be a woman of God who, with your guidance and strength and empowerment, pokes holes in the darkness that the enemy of our faith tries to bring into my marriage and into our home. Help me to remember that my husband is not perfect, but neither am I. And for that reason, in partnership with you, it is my privilege to pray for BOTH of us. Lord, help me.
~ "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:4-7).
May God bless you, as you minister in your homes "as unto the Lord." Happy Mother's Day!
Cindy and Steve Wright
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