Feb. 6, 2006 - Improvements Needed
Today wasn't that great of a day honestly. It was Kevin's back to work day, so of course we had the usual rush rush before 4 o'clock and then his car wouldn't start because he let it run out of gas. But that's ok...I do stupid stuff too 
. So he had to take the van, which normally would have been fine, but this time I had my shoes on and the boys mostly ready to go out. So change of plans. But it worked out for good since I ended up developing a pretty good (read bad) headache and all my energy just drained out of me. Justin wasn't feeling well either--he must have had what Isaiah then David had last week, which may have been what I have too. Justin took three naps and I know I wanted to.
I know everyone has things they want to improve about themselves, but I just feel like an utter failure at the end of the day. You know, I just want to go to be feeling proud and satisfied with myself, but I don't. I usually go to bed so discouraged, going over the list of my failures--I slept too late, I didn't spend enough quiet time with God (if any), I didn't spend enough time with the boys or I got on to them too much, I wasn't a good wife, the house is a mess, I was on the computer too much or I watched too much TV--the list goes on. I always say, "Tomorrow is going to be different! I'm going to get up at 6:00 and have an awesome devotional time with the Lord, be showered and dressed before anyone wakes up and have a hot breakfast on the table!", and then add 20 resolutions on to that. And then they never happen. I want to be different SO badly. I've read every book, took every online class, prayed and prayed, sought accountability, and been so determined. I don't know how to actually follow through. As strong as my desire is, it's not enough. This is my last year of having no children of school age. HOW am I going to fit homeschooling in if I don't even have time for anything else? Are my standards too high?
I really really think the key is getting up early, but I just can't. When my alarm goes off in the morning I really don't know what I'm doing when I turn it off and go back to sleep. And when I AM aware I think of a very good excuse to do it that is totally rational at the time.
As I was typing this I had an idea. I think I'll leave a note to ask Kevin if he will wake me in the morning when he comes in and have a time of Bible reading before he goes to bed. That way I'll have to wake up early and open my Bible and once I get up I'll be awake. Hopefully Kevin will agree to help me with this. I really need help. I don't want to go on feeling like every day was wasted.
Comments
Feb. 7, 2006 - Just a few thoughts....
Posted by Jennifer
I have been in your place *many* times!! lol I have said the same things. What has helped me in taking baby steps. Pick one or two things that you can change, an d work on those. Sometimes there are seasons in our lives that we need to lower the bar of expectation so we do not feel like failures. And, spending time with God is great way to start your day. :o) Look at the good things you accomplish each day.....
Jennifer
Feb. 7, 2006 - great idea!
Posted by Becky
Ithink your idea of having him wake up to read/pray together for a few minutes is a great idea! thatw ay you both will be connected w/God and will be closer together b/c of it :) YOU had a great idea woman:)
