http://www.floridabaptistwitness.com/8334.article

 This is exactly the message that was laid on my heart this morning to share.  And when I happened to stumble on this article, I figured they could say it better then I could. 

A wise mentor shared this with me years ago and its taken me seven years to get it "right" in my homeschool.  The want and need for it has been there but I didnt get the how until recently.  I had to get right with God, right with His word. 

 "Traditional academics had to take a back seat to God's word and character building."

"You can be well educated in the world's eyes and still be a sorry person. You can graduate with degrees and have no character. Character defines who you are."

Candace

A mentor reminded me of something I happened to just happily stumble into years ago.  

Look to others who are raising children you admire.  I have a few friends who have the same educational goals I have who happen to have children a few years ahead of mine.  These have been the best relationships that have taught me more about being a mom then any others.  I'm able to learn from some of their mistakes in picking curriculum.  We also buy curriculums together when we can as it will be passed on to my kids.  They are also fresh from certain issues that I am about to delve into and are able to give me advice on what fights to pick with my kids and when I should back off. 

I have some friends who have kids who have graduated recently as well who have helped me focus on the big picture.  Keeping that in front of me everyday. 

There is a little verse I have at my kitchen sink "Begin Each Day as if it were on Purpose".   I think "Live each day as if it were on purpose." 

:)  Hope all is well with you,

Candace

This was adapted from a letter I wrote recently.  I've tried to add a bit more then the original letter. 

WARNING: I will be beating a dead horse, sometimes they need to be beaten.  I need to keep this message fresh in my mind as well.  I can not afford to get sucked back into the trap.  :) 

I have defiantly gotten the hang of saying no. I wrote the last post in October, and my life has changed dramatically since then. The good news is that when you start saying no, people get the message and stop asking!

Right after I wrote the last entry I found out I was moving. So immediately I said NO to everything that came up, except a few fun activities and play dates I knew would encourage me from all the decluttering and boxing.   I said no to people who I knew would discourage me. 

My husband had just started teaching a debate class.  We both felt horrible, my dh considered driving back down for the remaning months to teach the class.  Luckily a close friend said "NO, you guys need to start your new life in your new town."  So we handed it over as fast as we could, whether it would still be a group was no longer our concern.  It was rough to say that.  But we had to do what was best for our family.  I even asked a friend who was part of the group to write out all the checks as refunds to the kids who had paid.     As my time really needed to be devoted to my family.  And my friend was still a part of the group. 

When we moved I had toyed with the idea of staying on the email homeschool loop for my old town.  Luckily another friend told me to let it go.  It was hard, but I did.  I would spend time wanting to do some of the old activities with them as I would be reminded of them.  I needed to invest my time in figuring out my new place.  And I have and have profited well. 

Saying no to information.  How many of us recieve the Rainbow catalogue?  WELL this year as soon as it came in the mail I gave it to a friend who wanted it.  How many hours would I have wasted reading through it?  Too many.  How many hours would it have made me worry about next year. 

I really learned to take control of my schedule. MY schedule. Extras had no place in my vision. This really taught me to always keep my vision in mind when referring to MY schedule. I have written down what I am responsible for. My husband, my kids, health and happiness, school, shopping, church, scheduling appts for Drs and dentists, menu planning, cooking, reviewing school materials, having times with friends, bible study, parenting books, errands, and paying bills. There really aren't enough hours in the day to do all that, so saying no now is super easy! I also need to sleep, and exercise and have quiet times with my children each day and these things cant happen unless I say no to things that do not fulfill the vision.  My days now also usually allow me to go a little slower and encourage strangers along my way. 

My kids aren't eating McDonald's because I cant say no.  Sure there are days when we do eat McDonald's, but its not because I didn't say no, its because I didn't schedule well, or I PLANNED to eat there.  Planning to eat out , its a great concept. 

 If I say yes to someone else, I'm saying no to my vision, to my kids, to my family, to their education.

I used to think that if someone was asking I had to say yes, because something wouldn't get done. But now I have realized that not everything should be happening anyway. So me saying no, may create something not to happen that didn't need to happen. I remember a homeschool meeting where a dad said "IF there are blanks in this activity list of parents who aren't volunteering, you need to volunteer."  

The times I have volunteered in this fashion it all fell through because it wasn't supposed to happen.  Volunteer when it directly benefits your family. 

Like Jurassic Park, just because we can do it doesn't mean we should do it. And just because so and so really wants this such and such to work doesn't mean I have to help it work. Its not my calling. I need to honor my calling. 

I know sometimes I get sucked into things for the glory of the praise.  My husband is not the greatest at showing appreciation.  So motivation to hear someone say "Thanks" or "You did a great job"  has moved me to do things in the past that I shouldn't be doing.  But I have changed my ideas about appreciation.  I look to my kids development and growth as my encouragement.  I also have a little box of notes and printed emails from friends that show their appreciation of me.  That has helped when I feel I need to have a pat on the back and it doesn't take but a few minutes to feel appreciated.  I have also been known to call a girlfriend and ask "Doe anyone appreciate that I did such and such?"  Its immature, but sometimes I need to hear this.  Also don't forget to email or call a friend and tell them that you appreciate them.   

In a personal email a new friend said "I am getting a little better at saying no but I have a long ways to go. I always feel if I say no that I am letting someone down. I know that is a trap!"  Yes it is a trap, but change that thought.  When you say yes to these unnecessary things you are letting someone down, usually your family.  

Recently I told my best friend I would come see her.  She is 3 hours away.   At first it was a good idea.  All my kids were excited but as the day came closer it didn't make sense.  The day before I was supposed to leave I didn't feel right about it, but I said I was going so I was going.  I kept not feeling right and didn't want to let my friend down.  Even though it was going to upset my whole week and my babies sleep patterns, etc I was going.  I knew it was the wrong thing to do.  I knew it wasn't best for my family.  The bags were packed, I started the truck dreading the drive with my two year old.  As I got to the end of my street, I decided I couldn't make all these sacrifices.  It wasn't worth it.  I knew my friends would understand, and they did.  It turns out they got sick, so I couldn't have seen them anyway.   That was a hard decision to make.  I look at the whole thing as discipline.  Next time I wont let it go that far.  I'll respect my family first. 

In the past I would often say No without any explanation. As I think no is enough.  And with some people if you say "I'm sorry I cant."  They will harass you until you say yes.  But now I'm a little more gracious.  Adding a compliment  and then cutting it short seems to work the best.  "I'm sorry I cant help with the class, but I am flattered that you asked me to help.  I've gotta go.  Take care."  Another friend says "I'm not sure, I need to ask my husband." 

Many of us need to bring this to our spouse.  Let him/her know that you need accountability with your time.  Depending on how your relationship works ask your spouse to lay down the law to help you.  If you don't have that type of relationship ask a friend to help with accountability.  Call your friend when you have a victory! 

Many spouses will take the fall for your schedule.  "Ron, said we have too many commitments right now, so I must say no."  This is great for two reasons, it takes the stress off you, and they aren't going to argue you with your husband who isn't there.   

Also adding "If things change I'll let you know."  Makes some of us feel better about saying no.  But things won't change. 

I have a friend who runs herself ragged doing for others when her children and husband are practically neglected.  He is hungry for  her companionship, her children are loved but haven't a cozy home.  If she slowed down for a second she would notice that she is neglecting her children in a different way then her mother neglected her.  (I've been there.)    Step back, look at yourself and your time through someone else's eyes.  Your time is the most precious thing you possess, who are you giving it to? 

Open your calendar up right now, who are you devoting so much time to?  What can you cancel?  Call em up, let it go. 

"Leann, I'm sorry but I can no longer do such and such.  I need to focus on my family and our homeschool." 

Canceling things before it comes to a critical time and stress level is a healthy mature thing to do.  Dont wait till they cant find a replacement, or the night before the big dinner they are planning.  Cancel things now. 

Look at your goals, look at your home.  What is being neglected?  Is it good meals?  Is it a tidy home?  Is it consistent school?  Quiet time at home with the family?  Is it peace?  Ask your husband/wife what they think.  Ask a good friend. 

Our children only have one childhood.  I used to tease my husband and say "She's only going to be 5 years 4 months and two days once."  And now as an older mother I think "How could I turn that down?"

Anyway I hope you figure out ways to say no if things aren't benefiting you and your family. Please share them either by email or post it here in comments.  I have said no and the world hasn't stopped and I'm a lot happier and healthier, so is my family.

Best to you, Candace

Why is it we have such a hard time saying no?  It is usually because we don't want to let someone down.  Some of us were taught that if we were asked to do something we should do it.  When we answer every request on our time we diminish our time, our patience, we end up letting ourselves and our family down. 

Focus on what does need to be done.  Then saying no is so much easier.  Reminding people of your commitments in a sweet way is ok.  "I'm sorry I won't be able to take over the kindergarten Sunday school class, I do not have the time to adequately prepare as I am currently teaching and preparing lessons for my child." 

Remember you are doing many jobs. And often because we are "home all day" people think we must have an unlimited amount of time.  But we don't.  So guard it, it is your time.   No one else can do this for you. 

This morning ask yourself what you want for you and your family today.   Being able to say no to all those extras are easy when we remind ourselves often what our goals are.  

Learning to say no to the extra fufu stuff helped me say yes to my friends when they need my help.    It also made my family relationships more fulfilling as I was able to focus on my children more. 

Planning and over planning seems to be the rule as a homeschooling parent.  We have to schedule play dates for our little ones, socialization time for us, sleepovers for our older kids just so they can see friends, field trips, etc. 

For years I tried to avoid meal planning.  But once I started doing it it has been great.  This site taught me how.  I still dont do it every week, but I really should.  My weeks would go so much smoother.   

Menus for Moms

www.menus4moms.com

During the last six years of homeschooling my best support has been in finding like minded families and building relationships with them.  There were years when I was only able to hang out with another mom while my kids were in PE, I also attended a monthly Charlotte Mason meeting.  

There were times when I only needed support on the phone with other mom friends and  an occasional invitation to my home to look at books and let the kids run in the backyard.  Every year has been different.  Making sure I have the proper "socialization" is just as important as who I choose for my children to hang out with. 

These days during the week I need a few different adults to help balance the full days of children, house management, learning new things before I teach them, etc.  We have a few families we have dinner with about  once a month. At other times we set a weekday for the children (and our teens) to get together and hang out, explore and play while the mothers share about everything that encompases our lifestyle.   There is a pleasant accountability as we help each other to figure out meal plans, chore charts, health issues, etc.  I also have a few friends I call or mail at the beginning of the month to set some dates for our children to get together so I can have some almost one on one with another adult.  There are also  two sweet friends I can drop in on last minute to encourage and be encouraged as we share with what we have learned in our recent readings as well as borrow and lend books.  It's not always about education often its about spirituality and home organizing.  :) 

Of course lets not forget our families and friends who do not homeschool.  We try to spend as much time with our families as is healthy.  heh  We also have a good set of friends who although our pasts mirrored our present does not. 

As a new homeschooler I would encourage you to seek out other families that you can share with freely.  Try to find a comfortable mix of parents who have been homeschooling a few years and other new parents as well. 

There are probably a million ways to grade, just as there are a million ways to homeschool.  I only know two.  Neither is wrong or right.  They are different but both acceptable ways of doing it. 

First, there is the traditional.  Teach it, grade the paper, follow your lesson plans, move to the next lesson.  I do use this method with some of the subjects I teach my middle school child.   I do still expect her to go back and correct wrong answers.  I usually use the method below.   

For my elementary children I use this method but it can be used all the way through their education.  Teach (or present), and let the child master it.  This may take some time, and sometimes it takes no time at all.  Some children need to be presented with a new idea three times before it soaks in.  Some times over days with other lessons and "victories" inbetween.  If my child doesn't understand,  I realize they need time with this new idea.  Maybe their brain didn't make a connection on a piece of information they need before this one, or they were tired from staying up to late the night before, or perhaps it is a concept that they are just NOT capeable of understanding yet.  Me pressuring them, or bullying them or loosing my temper is not going to make them get it.  And it wont make me feel better either.  I handle this by not bring it up.  They realize the lesson during their play.  Very often it is the next day or within a week, but sometimes it takes longer.  The child's work of play makes it clear.   

We must remember that children do need down time of play and of rest in their schedules.

For those of us with a "slow" child this is a better way to look at school, although any child can thrive with it.  But to let go of the "I'm a teacher" and hang on to "I present and it is the child's responsibility to learn it when they are ready." lets a lot of stress off.  We must also remember that keeping that child well fed with healthy food, good sleep, happy relations, and hearty activity is just as important to their learning as the lessons we plan for them. 

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the words joyously ringing from a young sweaty child "Hey Mom!  I get it!  I know what you were saying."  More often my children get a concept the first time I present it to them.  They receive an M for mastery.   

As a first year homeschooler I was blessed to have many positive role models.  I was surrounded by women who wanted me to succeed in having a joyful home as well as a successful school.  I knew then that I wanted to make sure that many more parents had positive and loving encouragement just like I received.  It didn't occur to me until just now but these women were like mothers to me.  In doula work we say "Mother the mother" and this applies to homeschooling as well.  It is always on my heart to learn how to encourage people in an honoring way.   I've made plenty of mistakes but my heart is in the right place. 

I have been homeschooling for 7 years and still have plenty to learn.  As I learn I would like to pass it along. 

A few years back I had time to do monthly meetings for new homeschoolers.  Although I enjoyed the process I didn't think the set up was doing appropriate service to the parents involved.  I think its important that once a new homeschooler gets their feet wet they need to seek out their own socialization with other homeschoolers.  I felt sometimes the meetings held them back and made them insecure.  I think new homeschoolers need to be supported in a way that honors their commitment and honors their time.  

I would love to add a co-author to this blog.  Until I find out if that is even a possibility I would like to place articles written by my friends as well as myself. 

You are not alone.  :)  Be encouraged. 

Candace

I've added some other things that I think are important.  :)  It's a general list,
somethings may not apply to you and your circumstances.

*Create a First day tradition!  A friend takes her kids out to IHOP just to enjoy their company and to do something very different.  Another friend takes a picture in front of the house with the children and their pets with a sign of the year and their school name. 

* A place for everything and everything in its place.  Store at the point of use.  Find a place for pencils, books, etc.  Example:  We have a shelf that holds, tape, pencils, etc. My 4th grader and Pre-K's books are on a shelf in a dish pan near the table we work on.  My 7th graders table books are on the shelf near the table, but her reading books are on the shelf in her room where she reads.    Our Shiller Math (math manipulative heavy curriculum) is near the floor on shelves in the armoir in the room we do math in.  

*Starting a few subjects for the first few weeks helps ease back into
the year.  Just add them in as the weeks come.  Example:  Week 1: Math
and handwriting.  Week 2: Math, handwriting, and reading.  Week 3:
Math, handwriting, reading, history and science.  etc.

*Write down the reasons you are homeschooling.  This is nice to have
when the days are long.

*Emotionality.  This summer I've learned not to get upset with the
situation and its much easier to discipline appropriately.

*Your calendar is your friend.  Embrace the calendar.  I add taking
the trash out to the calendar so we don't forget.  Schedule grocery
shopping, cleaning the car out, etc.

*Having a set of rules posted helps many kids coming from public
school know that their parents have behavior standards as well.

*Remember patience isn't something you just have, its something most
of us have to learn.  I have often chanted "I am learning patience".  Sometimes quietly to myself and sometimes out loud so my children can see Mom working on her patience. 

*Get to bed early when you can.

*Remember you aren't superman.  You can't solve other peoples problems.

*Are your eyes bigger then our stomach?  Let a friend look over your
schedule and activities set for the year.  Is it realistic? Will it
bring blessings to your home and your family?  Will things like
nutrition and peace be replaced because of a certain activity?

*There will always be gaps in every child's education, get over it.  :)

*Kids need chores.  Everyday.  You can not do it all and they need to
know how.  An incorrectly folded towel, has never been known to kill
anyone.  If you have control issues you may be damaging your children's
view of themselves.  Let it go, ask them to fold the towels, teach
them how in love and patience.  And when you go to close the cabinet
door with incorrectly folded towels bulging out, push them back in
tight and as the door seals, thank God for your healthy children who
are trying their best to bless their mom.

*The greatest benefit I see in homeschooling is that children are
growing in a home and can benefit greatly from their parents growth.
When I learn more about, for example, how to embrace fruits of the
spirit I can share it with my children.  Don't forget to share your
victories with your children no matter how small.

*List your priorities for the year.  Include growth you want to
influence your children in.  Mine looks something like this:  School,
chores done, peace, child A needs to learn more about pride, and
scheduling. child b:self control and patience, child c:discipline is
part of life, tell dh how much I love him everyday, do things that
support him, knitting, growth as a person, having healthy friendships,
personal reading time, doula work, helping others in need when I can.
If an opportunity comes up and it does not fulfill growing my children
or myself or supporting my husband I'm not doing it.   Charity starts
at home.  Everything that is good is not profitable.  (is that the
quote?)

Of course keeping your commitments under control allows you to be able to bless others.  When a friend needs to be blessed by a favor its a joy and not impossible or a terrible inconvenience to your family. 

This weekend as I was driving to a birth (doula work) I thought this
is not blessing my family should I be doing this?  But afterwards I
realized it was blessing me.  Its a bit of an indulgence for me to
help others have a natural birth.  It teaches my children my values
about birth and caring for others.  It gives my husband a chance to
see how much fun it is to juggle 4 kids.  Ive gotten jealous when the
kids are so happy to see Patrick when he gets home from work.  So when
Kate screamed "MOMMA YOUR HOME!" with a squeal as she jumped in my
arms, I knew it was good.

*You do need breaks from your kids.  Don't feel guilty when you are
apart from them.  Schedule breaks before you need them.

*Homeschooling is not just about academics. When discipline and
relationship come first, academics is easier.

*Learn to say no to your children as well as your pastor without guilt.

*Baby yourself.  Set weekly and monthly indulgences (not food).
Getting to go out for a coffee with a girlfriend, getting to knit (or any hobby you enjoy),
window shopping at the mall, candle shopping, etc.  Get a sitter and
go out with your spouse.  Life is supposed to be joyous.

*Have daily indulgences.  A special coffee or cup of tea in the afternoon comes to mind as well as a few conversations to a friend about the latest going ons.  Sit down and relax.  Rest gives us time to reevaluate and dream.  A gift many in our society do not afford themselves with. 

*Schedule fun with your kids!  

*Schedule exercise as a family!  Once a week we try to get Daddy to take us hiking.  It's a cheap sport. 

*Teach your children how important your marriage is and that being
good to your spouse and keeping your spouse happy is a priority in your life.