This was adapted from a letter I wrote recently.  I've tried to add a bit more then the original letter. 

WARNING: I will be beating a dead horse, sometimes they need to be beaten.  I need to keep this message fresh in my mind as well.  I can not afford to get sucked back into the trap.  :) 

I have defiantly gotten the hang of saying no. I wrote the last post in October, and my life has changed dramatically since then. The good news is that when you start saying no, people get the message and stop asking!

Right after I wrote the last entry I found out I was moving. So immediately I said NO to everything that came up, except a few fun activities and play dates I knew would encourage me from all the decluttering and boxing.   I said no to people who I knew would discourage me. 

My husband had just started teaching a debate class.  We both felt horrible, my dh considered driving back down for the remaning months to teach the class.  Luckily a close friend said "NO, you guys need to start your new life in your new town."  So we handed it over as fast as we could, whether it would still be a group was no longer our concern.  It was rough to say that.  But we had to do what was best for our family.  I even asked a friend who was part of the group to write out all the checks as refunds to the kids who had paid.     As my time really needed to be devoted to my family.  And my friend was still a part of the group. 

When we moved I had toyed with the idea of staying on the email homeschool loop for my old town.  Luckily another friend told me to let it go.  It was hard, but I did.  I would spend time wanting to do some of the old activities with them as I would be reminded of them.  I needed to invest my time in figuring out my new place.  And I have and have profited well. 

Saying no to information.  How many of us recieve the Rainbow catalogue?  WELL this year as soon as it came in the mail I gave it to a friend who wanted it.  How many hours would I have wasted reading through it?  Too many.  How many hours would it have made me worry about next year. 

I really learned to take control of my schedule. MY schedule. Extras had no place in my vision. This really taught me to always keep my vision in mind when referring to MY schedule. I have written down what I am responsible for. My husband, my kids, health and happiness, school, shopping, church, scheduling appts for Drs and dentists, menu planning, cooking, reviewing school materials, having times with friends, bible study, parenting books, errands, and paying bills. There really aren't enough hours in the day to do all that, so saying no now is super easy! I also need to sleep, and exercise and have quiet times with my children each day and these things cant happen unless I say no to things that do not fulfill the vision.  My days now also usually allow me to go a little slower and encourage strangers along my way. 

My kids aren't eating McDonald's because I cant say no.  Sure there are days when we do eat McDonald's, but its not because I didn't say no, its because I didn't schedule well, or I PLANNED to eat there.  Planning to eat out , its a great concept. 

 If I say yes to someone else, I'm saying no to my vision, to my kids, to my family, to their education.

I used to think that if someone was asking I had to say yes, because something wouldn't get done. But now I have realized that not everything should be happening anyway. So me saying no, may create something not to happen that didn't need to happen. I remember a homeschool meeting where a dad said "IF there are blanks in this activity list of parents who aren't volunteering, you need to volunteer."  

The times I have volunteered in this fashion it all fell through because it wasn't supposed to happen.  Volunteer when it directly benefits your family. 

Like Jurassic Park, just because we can do it doesn't mean we should do it. And just because so and so really wants this such and such to work doesn't mean I have to help it work. Its not my calling. I need to honor my calling. 

I know sometimes I get sucked into things for the glory of the praise.  My husband is not the greatest at showing appreciation.  So motivation to hear someone say "Thanks" or "You did a great job"  has moved me to do things in the past that I shouldn't be doing.  But I have changed my ideas about appreciation.  I look to my kids development and growth as my encouragement.  I also have a little box of notes and printed emails from friends that show their appreciation of me.  That has helped when I feel I need to have a pat on the back and it doesn't take but a few minutes to feel appreciated.  I have also been known to call a girlfriend and ask "Doe anyone appreciate that I did such and such?"  Its immature, but sometimes I need to hear this.  Also don't forget to email or call a friend and tell them that you appreciate them.   

In a personal email a new friend said "I am getting a little better at saying no but I have a long ways to go. I always feel if I say no that I am letting someone down. I know that is a trap!"  Yes it is a trap, but change that thought.  When you say yes to these unnecessary things you are letting someone down, usually your family.  

Recently I told my best friend I would come see her.  She is 3 hours away.   At first it was a good idea.  All my kids were excited but as the day came closer it didn't make sense.  The day before I was supposed to leave I didn't feel right about it, but I said I was going so I was going.  I kept not feeling right and didn't want to let my friend down.  Even though it was going to upset my whole week and my babies sleep patterns, etc I was going.  I knew it was the wrong thing to do.  I knew it wasn't best for my family.  The bags were packed, I started the truck dreading the drive with my two year old.  As I got to the end of my street, I decided I couldn't make all these sacrifices.  It wasn't worth it.  I knew my friends would understand, and they did.  It turns out they got sick, so I couldn't have seen them anyway.   That was a hard decision to make.  I look at the whole thing as discipline.  Next time I wont let it go that far.  I'll respect my family first. 

In the past I would often say No without any explanation. As I think no is enough.  And with some people if you say "I'm sorry I cant."  They will harass you until you say yes.  But now I'm a little more gracious.  Adding a compliment  and then cutting it short seems to work the best.  "I'm sorry I cant help with the class, but I am flattered that you asked me to help.  I've gotta go.  Take care."  Another friend says "I'm not sure, I need to ask my husband." 

Many of us need to bring this to our spouse.  Let him/her know that you need accountability with your time.  Depending on how your relationship works ask your spouse to lay down the law to help you.  If you don't have that type of relationship ask a friend to help with accountability.  Call your friend when you have a victory! 

Many spouses will take the fall for your schedule.  "Ron, said we have too many commitments right now, so I must say no."  This is great for two reasons, it takes the stress off you, and they aren't going to argue you with your husband who isn't there.   

Also adding "If things change I'll let you know."  Makes some of us feel better about saying no.  But things won't change. 

I have a friend who runs herself ragged doing for others when her children and husband are practically neglected.  He is hungry for  her companionship, her children are loved but haven't a cozy home.  If she slowed down for a second she would notice that she is neglecting her children in a different way then her mother neglected her.  (I've been there.)    Step back, look at yourself and your time through someone else's eyes.  Your time is the most precious thing you possess, who are you giving it to? 

Open your calendar up right now, who are you devoting so much time to?  What can you cancel?  Call em up, let it go. 

"Leann, I'm sorry but I can no longer do such and such.  I need to focus on my family and our homeschool." 

Canceling things before it comes to a critical time and stress level is a healthy mature thing to do.  Dont wait till they cant find a replacement, or the night before the big dinner they are planning.  Cancel things now. 

Look at your goals, look at your home.  What is being neglected?  Is it good meals?  Is it a tidy home?  Is it consistent school?  Quiet time at home with the family?  Is it peace?  Ask your husband/wife what they think.  Ask a good friend. 

Our children only have one childhood.  I used to tease my husband and say "She's only going to be 5 years 4 months and two days once."  And now as an older mother I think "How could I turn that down?"

Anyway I hope you figure out ways to say no if things aren't benefiting you and your family. Please share them either by email or post it here in comments.  I have said no and the world hasn't stopped and I'm a lot happier and healthier, so is my family.

Best to you, Candace