I am going to record what we are doing in homeschooling for my just turned 7 year old and 5 year old boys. They are 15 months apart. My oldest has Asperger's Syndrome, so I am teaching the boys at the same level, 1st grade. I also have a 2.5 year old and 1.5 year old who tootle around while we do school or I do it during their nap time. I follow the "Better Late Than Early" approach by Raymond and Dorothy Moore. This supports delaying formal education until the child is developmentally mature, around age 6, 7, or 8 years old. This means delaying teaching reading, math, etc until this age and level of maturity. I had attempted some formal schooling last year and it simply didn't sink in for either boys. I scrapped it all, provided a learning environment (aka great exploratory toys, lots of time outdoors, and no TV), and put off formal education another year. I have also read to my kids for hours and hours. We read 3rd-4th grade level books and lots of them. As I began this year, the boys are flourishing! No beating my head against a wall!! They are loving it, eager, and grasping everything I give them. So, they are READY!! I have followed Carole Joy Seid, an educational specialist speaker and consultant for homeschooling. Her website is www.carolejoyseid.com and she travels to many cities to speak. She is the underlying current for all my educational choices. Her method is literature based, consistent with the Moore teaching of delaying formal education and teaching a love for learning. She is similar to Charlotte Mason in style. So, what am I doing? Under Carole's guidance (through her seminars), I have put together this plan for our year: I spend about 1-2 hours a day on "school". It is a perfect pace and we are all happy to do it! I don't spend hours planning either! "Sing, Spell, Read and Write" Combo pack for Kindergarden and 1st grade. This was expensive (about $200), but I wanted to nail learning to read so it was important to me. However, I am not even using all of it! As per Carole's advice, I am completing avoiding the "writing" portions. According to research (Moore's especially), children are not ready for small print work and will be exhausted and bored by too much busy work. The greater importance is on large motor skills and spatial awareness. We listen to the phonics sounds song, following the letters on the chart. A A A-pple. B B B-all, etc. We then use the wooden letters from "Handwriting without tears" to design the letter of the day. This is multi-sensory and spatial without the emphasis on perfectly placing letters on a page between the lines! Then, in keeping with HWT, I draw a large (large motor skills) letter A on the chalkboard, then child erases it with a damp cloth following the same lines. He, then, writes his own very large letter A. I will then go back to Sing Spell's worksheets and allow them to color the picture (Apple for A, etc) for that day. Giving another solid picture in their head of that letter. We may or may not do the worksheet where they cut and paste A-letter items on an Apple. We may also do one of Sing Spell's games (sound Bingo, etc). We do this 5-6 days a week. Sometimes we work this on Saturday because they love it! Pre-Math It. This is perfect for young boys! It is simply dominoes but following the suggestions of Pre-Math It. They are practicing adding and simple addition, but they don't even know it! We do this 3-5 days a week. Literature. I read many many great books as recommended by Carole and "Honey for a Child's Heart". I especially love Marguerite de Angeli's "Book of Nursery and Mother Goose Rhymes". We read these to learn the patterns of language and simply to enjoy them! "Language and Thinking for Young Children" by Ruth Beechick and Jeannie Nelson is a great resource to get started. I also love Eric Carle's "Animals Animals", a collection of timeless poems with beautiful pictures. If your children aren't in love with poetry yet, this book will open that door. We do this 5 days a week or more! Nature. We spend tons of times outside, observing nature and just playing! There is a world to learn outside our front steps! Even in the suburbs. Science. These go hand in hand. I frequently check out Usborne books from the library about bugs, science, machinery, and anything remotely interesting! We love these books. Bible. We read a fabulous book called "The Jesus Storybook Bible" where every page whispers the name of Jesus! We read a story every day. I also rotate "My ABC Bible Verses" and "Big Truths for Little Kids" both by Susan Hunt. And "The Child's Story Bible" by Vos. Next step is teaching my kids some Hymns! Lastly, Daddy is reading a really neat book on teaching your child to draw. He is going to do that portion with them. So, that was kind of dry, but we all need the basics under our belt! Then, the fun can begin! Hope you'll join me!

"Loving a person just the way they are, that's no small thing.  That's the whole thing."  -Loving a Person sung by Sara Groves

Ever since i heard this song, it's been playing in my head.  Isn't it the truth though?  Such a simple phrase: "loving a person just the way they are."   But, oh, what a thing to be mastered!

 

And, its true, it is the WHOLE THING.  What would be different if only we loved each other just the way we are.  It's so relieving to think of that kind of love towards myself. To know I am loved JUST the way i am, no changes, no earning it, no losing it.  It's like a huge load just fell off my back. 

 

Would this be an easy thing?  Obviously, no.  I am fully aware of my many qualities, actions, and just plain old annoyances that make me the least easy to love person.  In the words of Sara Groves, "loving me just the way i am.  that's no small thing....takes some time, takes some."  Boy, would it take some time?!  But, the interesting thing is that i've found with friendships and relationships of any kind, it is easier to "love someone the way they are" in the beginning and as the friendship grows and  you actually get to know the real person, you don't exactly love them just the way they are.  In fact, many friendships end just by the mere discovering of who someone really is. 

 

But, as Sara says, "loving a person just the way they. It takes some time".  No, real love doesn't fade when the heat is on, it only grows deeper, richer, more secure with every offense and reconciliation.  With every mistake, both those of omission and those of out-right wickedness.

 

Perhaps this is why family relations are often the hardest.  You know most about someone you've known since infancy; therefore, there is so much MORE to have to learn to love.  But, loving a person just the way they are....that's the whole thing.  If it's not there, it's not and that is the stopping point.  You really cannot move any farther in any relationship without this key ingredient.    And, it can't be half-hearted.  You can't just ignore or de-emphasize the things you don't like about someone...choose to stop the conversation when that 'not so appealing' topic comes up.  Sure, there is wisdom in not pushing an issue you disagree on, but if you can't look at that character quality or life choice boldly in the face withouth blinking, looking down, or just avoiding it, you cannot, under any figment of your imagination begin to love someone just as they are. And, like I said, it's the key.

 

"If we go looking for offense, we're gonna find it.  If we go looking for real love, we're gonna find it"

 

Real love.  What a glory. Some never find it in earthly relations.   Few find it more than once or twice.  All crave it in their heart of hearts.  The Father loves us this way, but it is so rarely seen in human relations. Though, He must desire it for us.  I know He defined it for us.  It is what love is.  And, oh, what we miss when we can't look past our own pride, judgements, and records of wrongs. 

 

"Hold on to me and I'll hold on to you."...."The beauty of seeing things through...."

 

There is such beauty in this, in connections with others that have truly seen things through. Where there is no fear of past wrongs or future wrongs, since everything was, can and is loved through.

 

Lord, help me to love others just the way they are.

 

It is amazing to me how God is able to be everywhere all the time.  As soon as i feel insignificant (very often), He reminds me through a secret revealing that i am certain is Him, but is only meant for me.

 

Recently, in my Bible study, we've been studying 1 Kings.  We looked at Elijah in Chapter 18:20-19:18.   First, Elijah saw God do an amazing miracle at Mt. Carmel.  The people of Israel, God's people, were worshiping the false god, Baal.  Elijah, in a bold move, says, "How long will you go limping between two different opinions?  If the Lord is God, follow him; but if Baal, then follow him."   Elijah was the ONLY prophet of God left compared to 450 priests of Baal.

 

In a competition to show which God is the true God, each side laid an offering and whichever god answers by fire, they would call him God.  Both sides agreed this was a fair test.

 

God clearly showed himself by consuming the burnt offering and all the water in the pool.  The people fell on their faces and said, "The Lord, he is God; the Lord, he is God".   Then Elijah slaughtered every one of the priests of Baal.

 

This was an amazing victory for Elijah in proclaiming God as the one true God.   I would think Elijah would walk away feeling somewhat invincible seeing that God had answered his prayer so strongly and powerfully.

 

But, no.  Jezebel, the queen of Israel, sends a message to him that he will die for what he has done. (She is a devout worshiper of Baal).  Elijah's response: RUN for your life!  He had just, singly, put all the worshipers of Baal to shame, killed all the priests and was clearly under the mighty hand of God.  And, what does he do?  Run!

 

He winds up resting under a tree asking God to let him just die.  "I give up!"

 

But, the Lord, in His lovingkindness, sends an angel to comfort him.  The angel feeds him bread and water and allows him to rest until he has enough strength for forty days and forty nights on a journey to Horeb, the mount of God.

 

There he came to a cave and lodged in it.  The Lord spoke to Elijah asking, "What are you doing here Elijah?".  Elijah honestly brought his grievances to the Lord saying that he had followed God, but he was the only one left and now they seek his life to take it.  Then, the Lord decided to truly speak to Elijah in an intimate, fatherly way.

 

First, a giant wind tore through the mountains; then, an earthquake; next, a fire.  The Lord was in neither of these dramatic displays.  He was in the gentle whisper.

 

The Lord whispered, "What are you doing here Elijah?"  Can't you just hear the love in His voice?

 

Elijah repeated his grievances.  The Lord listened, then told Elijah exactly what to do next with a promise of relief and victory soon coming.

 

WOW, what a story!  There are many reasons this story touched me mainly because I so often do things like Elijah.  Of course, I am no where near his greatness but I can relate on many levels and that gives me comfort that God will use me regardless.

 

The day we studied this, I was especially discouraged about Steven's Asperger Syndrome and by raising three small children.  

We had recently seen a real improvement in Steven's speech.  This was a victory for sure and a comfort that we are headed in the right direction.  You would think I would be able to move forward daily trusting God and His provision, but I don't. I still struggle, painfully.  Just like how Elijah had seen this amazing victory over the Baals, but his very next move was to run in fear like a coward.

 

Today, I was ready to run. I was so tired and having a rough day.  I wanted, in my heart, to run away from it all.  To lock the door to my room, put the covers over my head and forget all the demands and struggles around me.

 

When Dave got home from work, I asked him if I could go  to Panera bread by myself to eat and spend some time with God. I knew I needed to hear from the Lord because the lies in my head were overpowering me.

 

I slowly walked in to Panera Bread.  I felt like my feet weighed thirty pounds each as I literally trudged in to the story.  I ordered my Panini (bread pizza) and water.  I dug in my purse to pay for my meal and realized I did not have my wallet.

 

If that isn't the icing on the cake to a bad day.  I apologized to the cashier and began to walk out.  As I opened the door, the manager was sitting at a table nearby.  He asked me what I had ordered.  He had overheard my situation and placed my order for free. 

 

I sat down, almost in tears thinking of God's small kindness to my little, insignificant day.  I prayed for my meal, thanking God for his still small voice, saying that He loved me.  I opened my eyes and looked at my meal, bread and water.  Just like Elijah, when I was ready to flee in fear and cowardice, He responded with love, grace, and provision to go on.

 

Later that night, I thought about how I did nothing to deserve my meal. I didn't know the manager and I know they aren't in the habit of giving out free meals.  Just like my walk with the Lord, I did nothing to deserve His comfort.  In fact, I did everything to deserve His rebuke.  But, in His lovingkindness, He was with me, little, insignificant me to restore me, love me and send me on my way.  You cannot say God doesn't care about the details, that is where he whispers.

 

I don't profess to be a good blogger, but i'm not going to give up. as i look back at some of my posts, it really is such a great record of God's works in our lives. 

An important event is the adoption of our third child, Emily.  She's a beauty and has blessed us more than i can say. The boys are our biological children, so this was our first time to adopt.  it could not have gone smoother.  Last night, i just looked at her sleeping in her bed and couldn't help but almost yell, "Thank you God, Thank you!".  She's a doll. We got her when she was two days old.  Her birthmom picked us through our agency.  She is now ten months old. Her adoption is finalized.

Tonight, I took Steven to his Sunday School teacher's wedding.

It was a sweet wedding and his teacher looked beautiful. I love weddings.  though, not for all the fancy food and flowers.  Not even the beautiful white dress (though i do like them!).  i love the reminder it is to me of my own marriage, the beauty of the resemblance of marriage to our relationship with Christ, and the joy I know they are only now beginning! 

One of my favorite traditions is when the bride wears her veil over her face upon entering the church.  I don't know if this is the real tradition or not, but this is why i wore the veil over my face in the beginning. 

once the bride walks down the aisle, holding her father's arm, the father stands between the bride and groom.  The minister says, "who gives the woman to be married in holy matrimony?"  The father answers, "her mother and I".  Then, the father......this is the part.....removes the veil, kisses his daughter, then steps aside so that the bride and groom are united!!!

how beautiful!!!  the father has protected (veiled) his daughter and prepared her to be a bride.  he has kept her pure, undefiled, protected like a treasure, until that moment when he, with great courage, gives his precious daughter to another man to guard and protect her.  What a loving exchange of the benevolent father to the loving husband.  what  a picture of christ and the church!!! 

He saved us, prepares us (sanctification), protects us, keeps us (sealed) until that amazing day when we will be fully unveiled and given to our heavenly father!! 

Oh, I love it!!

now, on a lower note...sorry to be the bummer.  But, Steven did really well during the wedding and was so excited to see his teacher, the princess, get married!

Then, at the reception, an older couple sat at the table with Steven and I.  they were very nice and friendly and began talking to Steven:

Man: "So, what grade are you in?"

Steven:  no answer.

Alicia:  "he just turned five. He's in preschool"

Steven: "1, 2, 3, 4....Seaworld, my birthday, dolphins, water in the hoops, daddy take me, Nicholas live at Sea World..."  all the while making extravagant hand gestures.

Alicia:  "His daddy took him to Seaworld for his birthday and Nicholas is his friend who is moving to San Antonio where Seaworld is."

Man:  a litte perplexed..."So, did you see sharks?"

Steven: "sharks.  yea.  splashing. lazy river. swimming pool, at my house. the slide. Jackson."

Man:  "oh, great"

The conversation, if you can call it that, went on this way for a few minutes.  Steven just blabbered stuff. I would try to explain what he was talking about, but eventually i just sat back and watched and prayed to dear God that the couple would not ask me if something was wrong with him. 

Finally, they left and I was relieved.

It was one of those, "I think Steven is so stinking cute even when he's acting that way, but i'm scared to death everyone else will notice and realize it's not cute, it's autism."

that was it.  i'm just a little bummed.  i'll get over it, but there it is.

Don't you just love the giggle of babies!!!  Emily, my 6 month old, loves me to change her clothes!!  She just lights up and giggles!!  It cracks me up, especially since my boys hated to change their clothes!

Today was a good day.  We stayed home all day (lovely) and set up the big blow-up pool in the backyard under the slide!  So fun! 

Last night, I stayed up late cleaning the house really well so that everything was in order today.  It is so much easier maintaining rather than catching up all the time!  I think this helped my day a lot and helped with RDI.

Also, I was on the phone for quite a while today and yesterday trying to get better insurance coverage for Steven.  Praying for this.

1.  Throw clothes from dryer to basket.  Jackson, Steven and I set up an assembly line with roles: 1. pull clothes out of dryer and toss to 2. catch clothes and toss to 3. catch clothes in basket.  This went really well.  We rotated roles and Steven really stayed in tuned.  What impressed me most was that Steven was able to pay attention to Jackson to catch the clothes, then turn to me to throw them.  He would giggle a little at me when i would move the basket and stuff, so sometimes he'd forget to look to Jackson to catch the next item, but i thought it was great that he was so intuned with me.  then, when i gestured to Steven to look at Jackson, he could and didn't seem too thrown off.

Overall, it was a great RDI.  Only about 5 min's but i thought it was a hit.  He was reluctant at the very first, but didn't take much for him to join in.

2.  Later, just Steven and I took clothes from washer to dryer.  This was brief, but went well.

3.  Folding clothes...Steven has always run away from this, literally!  I said, "Let's fold clothes".  With a little coaxing, he came with me.  We began folding clothes VERY simple.  He was silly at first (way of gettting out of it), but as soon as he saw the shorts (very easy to fold), it was like a light came on b/c he remembered that he knows how to fold shorts!! 

I was instantly reminded of his deep need to feel competent in order to try anything.  I was also reminded of what a terrible guide i've been especially in the beginning of RDI.  I had tried to make it WAY to complicated (to keep it variated) but had made him feel lost and scared to try it in the process.  So, I kept it simple and he actually enjoyed the time.......My lesson::::  BUILD TRUST.  I want to do everything i can to do things with him, no matter how small....in fact, as small as I can make it, in order to teach him he CAN trust me to learn to do new things....even, old things.

Busy day.  Hadn't done RDI in a couple days.  Don't know why??  I missed one full day, then felt like a failure, so was kind of depressed about it.  The following days began feeling like a failure which did not ignite me to get back on track. Steven had a rough day or two, so it kicked my tail back in to gear to help him!  Today was better.

1.  I did something simple early this morning, but for the life of me cannot think of what it is right now!

2.  Cooked soup together!!  This was great!!  I had to cut up tons of veggies.  Steven helped and was so engaged.  Then, he stirred, threw stuff in the pot, etc.  This took almost an hour and he was with me the whole time!  I could just see the look of confidence as he wanted to try new things! 

3.  Daddy and Steven: Kurplunk--We played with Jackson and worked on taking turns and following the leader.  Once Steven tried to go out of tunr but for the most part Steven was really good at following directions.  I had him follow me putting in 1 or 2 marbles and then pulling out 1 or 2 sticks and he did a good job of following me and seemed to enjoy the game over all.  I think taht I could do future variations with different colors of marbles.  We each had one color but I think that we could mix up and mix up the sticks more too and that would help him with seeing that it is still playing.

 

We work for Campus Crusade for Christ.  Specifcally, we work in Houston with college students.  Most of our students go to the University of Houston...hince, Cougars.

Today, we did a "Cougar Kick Off" where we stood outside the student union and gave away free icee pops with a flier about CCC.  Then, we raffled off Starbucks gift cards and even a Nintendo Wii!  We gave about almost 2000 pops, plus 1000 fliers today!!  It was awesome.

I don't go to everything, because, obviously I'm with the kids. But, today it worked out to all go together.

I piled the three kids in the car and headed out for the college campus!  It was so hot and so fun!

I loved watching my kids "doing ministry", i.e. handing out popsicles and being cute.  I also loved being back on campus, interacting with college students, and getting to even do a litle evangelism.  Let me tell you about my two encounters.

One, was Pathik, a guy who lingered our area for a while and finally came over to talk to me.  The kids are a draw, plus non-threatening!  I asked him if he'd ever heard of CCC.  He said, "Not really, I'm not very spiritual".  We began a great discussion on the existence of God and how seeming contradictions in the Bible can be explained with more understanding and information.

Then, Jacob walked up.  Jacob, with a clear chip on his shoulder, approached me with pointed questions.  He was wearing a T-shirt with a casual logo "Athiest" printed where "old Navy" would be expected.  It kind of made me laugh.  Jacob had real problems with a God who would send Israelites to kill all the Medionites.  he quoted scripture and explained his fundamental christian upbringing.  (I secretly cringed for his parents). 

The three of us truly had an interesting, and surprisingly not-heated discussion.  Then, Jacob had to go and left me with a warning about being careful what we teach people???  I'm still praying for him.

Pathik hung around a little longer until I had to go (Jackson melted down, literally.....well, after 90 degree heat and like 20 popsicles, who could blame him?).  Pathik, is a cool guy with interesting questions, a Hindu background, and no current belief in God.  But, oh, he is interested.  He gave me his business card (I didn't even ask for it) and told me to please contact him so we could talk more!

Dave and I plan to have Pathik over for dinner soon.  Please pray for him and us.

Let me tell you how fun it was.  It renewed my faith, my passion, my love for the Lord.  Oh, how i had missed talking about God with non-believers.  Why had a been so timid, so busy??? 

Thank you God....your mercies are new EVERY morning!!

Rainy, sleepy day!  I had a headache today for some reason.  Not typical, so it kept me down.

1.  Picking up bath toys:  I lead in picking up toys and having him imitate. Then, i had him hand me toys so i could put them in.  He did pretty well.

2.  Reading book:  I read while he turned pages. I prompted him when to turn.  Sometimes, i just sat and waited for him to realize i was done reading.  He never turned it unless I prompted him.  The pages were very interesting (Dr. Seuss), so maybe he was just really in to the book. Regardless, he wasn't totally in tuned to my reading out loud cause he never noticed when I stopped.

"I'm scared". Steven kept saying this today. He overuses this phrase to mean anything from "I don't want to do what you are telling me to do" to "I really am scared".  I think because I hit RDI so well yesterday that he was feeling a little stressed about the challenges and wanted me to do everything for him today.  How can I build his competence while still challenging him???

I tried to do more regulating today...simple back and forth activities.  They seemed so simple, i wonder if it is even meaningful or what i'm supposed to be doing???? 

Don't know?  Will try harder tomorrow with a few planned activities:   Cut vegetables/make soup; make bed together.

Hosted a women's luncheon for CCC women today.  Busy, but fun. 

I served Coffee Punch...delicious!

RDI:  Goal-Teach Steven to be my apprentice and follow my lead.

1.  Tried to get Steven to help with laundry.  He ran away so fast, I hardly saw him!!  Interesting??  I was too busy getting ready to push him, but was disappointed with myself for this.

2.  Build bridge out of blocks:  He had already been building so that made it a little tricky for me to "take over" as the guide.  But, he did pretty good.  I began building the tower and showing him where to put the blocks.  He went along with it, but was trying very hard to be silly (his M.O.) and I could tell he was uncomfortable/irritated with me being the guide.  So, i made a quicker bridge. 

Then, I had him pick up the blocks with me.  Me first, then him.  Then, I hold the box and he toss them in...vice versa.  Variations of variety of blocks and moving around the box and role switching.  he was much more engaged with this and seemed to enjoy it more.  We finished and it felt somewhat successful.  I am, again, reminded of how hard it is for him to follow my lead.  It's weird b/c i don't notice it unless we do these activities that push him.

3.  Bathing baby with Steven.  I had him rub on her soap.  Then, i had him rub a litlte lotion on her.  He was very excited to do this with me.  It was very simple (i didn't really try hard at all as you can see).  But, he really seemed to be empowered by it!

While i was finishing up with baby, Steven went in to the kitchen and for the first time in his life (age 5 now), he began sweeping the kitchen floor.  Most kids are interested in Mommy's chores much earlier, but Steven never had been.  Our consultant explained to me how Steven is so afraid of doing anything new where he feels insecure or has the possiblity to fail, that he rarely tries anything.  This is so true...until, maybe, now.

I walked in to the kitchen, very surprised.  He was enthusiastically sweeping, using the dust pan, and had even pulled out the trash can.  I just sat there and watched and cheered him on (not focusing on the quality of the task, but on his being so big and doing it!).  It was really cool.

4.  Daddy and building a wooden train (small and simple).  Steven, Jackson and I built a Balsa Wood train.  It was a little complicated.  I tried to do actionms that Steven and Jackson could follow me on and repeat.  Steven seemed to follow along well and was good at taking turns.  I think that I could have broken it down a little more and used non-verbals like noises or chants (were building a train,etc) to keep him more engaged.,  Over all I think it went okay, but a couple times I had to chase down Jackson so that made it a little harder.

Today was a little more challenging for we had a lot of "other" things to do.

1.  We cut apples again today.  Went well.  I need to make it a little more challenging next time.  Maybe having him (carefully) help me cut the apple.  Add peanut butter to dip? Peel peeling?  he seemed pretty connected and it was easy.

2.  Gummy bears.  I tried dividing up the gummy bears between the boys as a regulatory pattern.  had a hard time being creative.

Not a creative day.  Lesson:  Hard to do RDI when too busy and too tired!

I was reading a book today to the kids called, "When I grow up, I want to be...".  It was cute and had all sorts of great things to be when you grow up....lawyer, doctor, artist, teacher, etc.

As I got to the end of the book, I was kind of disappointed that my favorite career was not in this somewhat exhaustive book. 

"When I grow up, I want to be a Mommy".  That's what I added to the end of the book.  Why can't that be a life dream? 

I think this is part of why many women have such a hard time adjusting to motherhood.  They don't realize it's the greatest job in the world.  Every job has it's difficulties and mothering is no acception.  But, I just believe it should be included in the "dream job" category and taken seriously. 

It's a complete job too.  If someone says, "I'm going to be a doctor", no one responds by saying, "What else?".  Is a doctor any less busy, challenged, or important than a mother.  You take your kid to the doctor and they are essential, but Mom and Dad do the rest.

My point is that being a mother should be a noteworthy, complete job with no desire, whether self driven or imposed upon, to do something else just for the sake of doing it.

I hope I never hear the statement, "I don't want to JUST be a mom".    For they are sorely underestimating the job.

RDI is Relationship Developmental Intervention.  It is the therapy we do for Steven, our son with Asperger Syndrome.

After attending the parent conference in CA, I am convinced of two things.  One, that we are on the right track with Steven by doing RDI.  And, two, that we are definitely homeschooling.

There is just something amazing about hearing developmental specialists explain development and the natural progression of milestones (whether achieved or missed) and trace their affect throughout life.  AS kids have missed crucial milestones which negatively affect their connection with this world on a physical brain patterned function.  It's like a train wreck after the wiring has been screwed up from the beginning. 

We've been "doing" RDI for 6 months.  I'm really still in the trying to figure it out stage, but i've already seen progress.  I'm re-energized after the conference and ready to go for it again! 

Today:  Goal-teach Steven to by my apprentice and follow my lead in actiivites where he is connected and interested in me and doing the activity WITH me.  I have to guide him clearly (and firmly) to release control and let me be the guide.  This makes him uncomfortable (not being in control) and he tries many tactics (hugging me, going potty, crying, etc.) to get out of it.  But, i must remain the guide and not let him off the hook!

1.  "We're Going on a Bear Hunt".  I showed him the song....slap my legs and sing the song.  His role is to slap his legs simultaneously and sing the bear song as an echo after me. 

It didn't go so well.  Once he realized i was going to make him doing something wherehe had to follow my lead (as opposed to him making up the song), he tried to bail.  We had to do several 'stopping the action' before he would remotely coorperate. 

Eventually, he slapped his knees, but was still being silly by using his hands differently (resisting).  He sang a little after me, but I never felt he was following me or was engaged.  It's like the second i tried to lead him, he was turned off to me.

2.  Apple cutting.  This went well.  I was making him an apple.  He pulled up his chair to the counter.  I gave him a plate in front of him.  I cut a piece of the apple, then showed him to put it on his plate.  He, excitedly, followed.  Then, I did another piece.  He followed again.  The next time, he added the variation of taking a little bite out of the piece before putting it on the plate.  I allowed this since he still seemed engaged (not running off in his mind with a new Steven way of doing it).  We continued like this a few times.  I cut the pieces different and even took a bite out of one myself.  He enjoyed the variations but stuck to the regulatory pattern of placing the apples on the plate.

This was simple and went well.  Hopefully, this will build his desire to be my apprentice and increase his competence b/c he was successful at following my lead in this simple activity.

 

3. laundry:  i throw clothes from dryer, throw them to steven.  he throws them in basket.  Next, I throw clothes from washer to Steven; he throws them into dryer.

At first, he was resistant (no surprise).  But, once i closed laundry room door, he was more focused and was only silly a few times.  He was engaged and followed my lead.  he did well with the variations i added (throwing, handing, wet/dry, etc.) and kept regulated with throwing the clothes into the designation.  He enjoyed it and felt competent after!

 

 

So, it's been a really long time since I last posted an entry!!

I was inspired by my friend, Danielle's, blog to re-begin mine.  I had gotten to where all my entries were my deepest, heartfelt feelings.  It was therapeutic but became...well, exhausting.  I felt the need to only write things worth reading which meant effort.  That's the tension for a blog, isn't it.  It's really for myself, but then why not just journal on my own computer.  So, it's for others...but who really wants to read this stuff anyway? 

My resolve is that it's a site for me.  Holds me accountable to thinking and contemplating life.  What's that quote by Plato? The unexamined life is not worth living??     See, the old Alicia blogger would've checked the source and correct quote.  But, the new me is going to leave it and if you want to check it for me, please do!  I'd rather have the examined life over the examined blog!

From now on, this blog is for my unrehearsed, unrevised, and immature thoughts and daily activities.  I say immature with the express purpose of pointing out that many of my thoughts, opinions, even convictions are stated in my present state of immaturity.  I reserve the right to later recount any of my writings and the humility to later look back on my former thoughts with a cringe and thanks that God is gracious enough to bear with me through quite a large learning curve.  I hope you will be as well.

So, you've been warned and are no longer responsible to read another line of this blog.  But, if you find interest, please read on.  And, leave a comment if you have time! 

I'm Back!

Alicia

It has been 6 months since my son was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and I can honestly say that is has been a whirlwind. 

 

I've spent so much time reading, researching, making phone calls, making decisions, changing decisions, worrying, praying.  I often tell my husband that I now have a part time job in addition to being a mom and wife, but no one has paid me any money for it.  My job is Autism! 

 

However, I feel that after 6 months, I've finally settled back into normal life.  I don't spend every night on the internet and I don't spend every day on the phone. 

 

Throughout, God has remained, as always, faithful.  I have not been kept out of His sight for even a second, though I sometimes didn't realize it.  He has restored my soul even in the midst of what felt like despair.

 

At church on Sunday, I was singing and God struck me in a way that brought me to tears.  My first and foremost goal for having and raising children has been to bring glory to God.  Of course, I would enjoy them along the way, but ultimately, nothing is worth doing unless it does bring Him glory since after all, He is the only glory that is real.

Somewhere in the midst of focusing so much on Steven and helping him, I lost sight of my purpose in raising him anyway.  My goals had changed from what would bring God glory to what would bring Steven and our family glory.

 

An example is this.  Lately, I've been focusing on Steven's relational skills.  Why?  Because I want him to be happy, to have friends, a wife, children.  Yes, I still greatly desire those things, but I'd lost the key ingredient to all of it....

So that through Steven, God would be glorified.  And the funny thing is, many of my fears for Steven (that he wouldn't be popular, would be behind in school, and might not be the outgoing boy I dream him to be) actually had very little to do with glorifying God at all.

A quiet, meek child brings much glory to God.  A humble, hard working student brings so much glory.  And, a boy doing the best he can do, trusting God for every weakness he has, brings more glory to God than one hundred naturally talented, self-reliant children.

 

Lord, help me not to forget what really matters.  And, help me to focus more on You than on my children.

 

A great quote: 

"Grant, O Lord my God, that I may never fall away in success or in failure; that I may not be prideful in prosperity nor dejected in adversity. Let me rejoice only in what unites us and sorrow only in what separates us. May I strive to please no one or fear to displease anyone except Yourself. May I seek always the things that are eternal and never those that are only temporal. May I shun any joy that is without You and never seek any that is beside You. O Lord, may I delight in any work I do for You and tire of any rest that is apart from You. My God, let me direct my heart towards You, and in my failings, always repent with a purpose of amendment."

--St. Thomas Aquinas

No, this post is not about me riding the city bus.  My life is no where near that exciting!  But, as I lay in bed last night (where I do all my deep thinking), I thought about how my life is very much like riding the city bus.

 

A constant theme in my life lately has been humility.  I don't know that I've ever been humbled so much as I have in the last 6 months. 

I thought I was a good disciplinarian.  Nope.  My kids act like maniacs at a family reunion.

I thought I connected well with my children.  Not so fast.  Your kid has autism.

I thought I was a good wife.  Funny, 7 years is not long enough to achieve that status!

I thought I was good at relationships.  Woops.  Major challenges with those too!

I thought I trusted God.  Ummm, staying up all night worrying and crying...not so much "trusting God"!

Do I need to go on?

 

Well, I'm not just being hard on myself.  It's just that, apparently, I had a glorified image of myself before because the shock of reality has been just that, shocking!

But, as with anything in life, it is an opportunity and it doesn't take much looking to see where God is working.

 

Humility-a good thing.  Discouragement-not so good.

 

I have read 1 Peter so many times this summer. 

"As you come to Him....chosen and precious".  "...you have received mercy."  "Do good, suffer for it, this is gracious to God."  "By his wounds you have been healed."  "God opposes the proud, but give GRACE to the humble."

"Humble yourselves under the  mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

 

I am humbled but filled with Courage as I read God's Word.

I am discouraged as I focus on my weaknesses and failures.

 

As I lay in bed, I was battling which path my thoughts would take me.  Humility leading to courage-God's power in me.  Or, depression leading to total discouragement.

Why would I choose the latter?  Why, when God offers peace, would I choose anxiety?

 

It's like riding the bus. 

I'm on the bus.  I watch as life passes by.  I see both my failures and my victories.  My failures stick out the most and are more frequent and more consequential than I'd like.  My victories zoom past me and no one notices them, including myself.

 

The bus driver knows my destination and is prepared to take me all the way, but I have the option of pulling the leather strap above my head and stopping the bus. 

I trust the bus driver; He's always taken care of me.  I know He has a great route planned, but it is unknown to me.  Not only is it unknown, but it is completely out of my control.

 

Ahhhh.  Control.  I got on the bus.  I followed the rules.  I trusted the bus driver.  But, control.  I must keep my hand from pulling that strap, stopping the bus, and choosing my own way.

I don't like where the stop will leave me.  It's dark out there and I feel uncomfortable.  But, I would be in control.  I would be choosing my route, my pain.  I wouldn't have to wait to see what comes next, I would know. 

Even my stop would be worse than the planned route.  I still long for control.

 

So, I lay in bed.  I think of how God has humbled me and I know there is more ahead.  I also think of the pain I've endured and how defeated I feel to continue on.

What do I choose?  Humility and hope, but loose the control?

Or, discouragement, reality, but keep control.

I am so tempted to lift my hand up and pull that bus to a halt. 

 

But, I keep my eyes on the bus driver as he looks at me through the rear view mirror.  I stop focusing on the passing scenes of my life and focus on the look of love and assurance from my Father.

 

Lord, give me the strength to choose You every moment.  Take every thought captive. 

 

What can I say about girlfriend's?  You gotta have 'em.

 

Dave surprised me last week with a proposal to fly me out to Arizona using our frequent flyers and visit my best friend from childhood for 4 days!!  Without the boys!!

 

I can't wait!!  My friend, Elisa, was the first Christian friend I ever knew and we've walked through most of life together!!  We are born one day apart, went to LSU together, pledged the same sorority, lived in our first apartment together, married our husband's one week apart, had our firstborn son's 2 months apart, and are still best friends.

 

A friendship like this is rare, as I've come to realize.  The even cooler thing is that we also made 'best friends' with two other girls, Leigh and Catherine, at LSU.  We are definitely a foursome and our bond would be impossible to break.  Why?  Because it is founded in Christ. 

 

We were in a Bible study lead by the Campus Crusade staff girl, Stephanie, who discipled all of us and changed our lives.  This Bible Study and Stephanie bonded us together as our walks with God refined each other so much.

 

We've laughed together over melting plastic in the oven and bad haircuts.  We've cried together over boyfriends, lost grandparents, health problems, lost babies, and frustrations over life changes.  We've prayed over each other at weddings, funerals, births, deaths.  We've listened when listening was needed and spoke truth when truth was needed.  We've hurt each other because we are sinful, and forgiven each other because we've been much forgiven.

 

I can honestly say that in any situation in my life, that these three women, will be at my side no matter what.  That they will always defend me, always understand, always forgive me, and never reject me.  The key to success:  we all live to glorify God and, our friendships, not the perfection of friendship, but the perseverance of it glorifies Him.

 

I can't wait to spend the weekend with Elisa, though we wish Leigh and Catherine could come too.  We usually all four get together once a year, so this is a bonus!

 

It's funny how life changes.  Now, between the four of us, we have 8 children...and we're just getting started!  Life may change, but friends like these are constant.

 

Praise God.

 

 

Okay, I had one of those, "must write this down" moments!

 

Yesterday, the boys and I came home from a long day of errands, etc. and I layed down on the couch with my eyes shut.

 

Jackson walked over to me, kissed me on the cheek, rubbed my shoulder and said, "Goodnight, angel".  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!!  It was precious!!

 

Wow, I can't imagine any greater blessing than raising children!!!

 

Of course, a minute later, he was playing the drums on my back, but it was still a good moment!

I have often thought that the best gift I've ever given my boys is each other.  I am constantly confirmed that a sibling can be one of God's greatest blessings!

 

Steven, especially, has grown so much as a person in his interaction with Jackson who is 15 months younger.  I truly believe Jackson has been the cheapest "therapy" Steven has gotten, and the best!

 

It's funny how I thought it was so crazy when we got pregnant so soon with Jackson, but I have thanked God 100 times for that gift!

 

Just recently, we moved the boys into the same room.  After a few nights of hours of giggling, and much "discipline" for getting out of bed, they have understood that if they can stay in bed, they will have a few minutes to "talk" and will not get in trouble.

 

I have noticed remarkable growth in their relationship since they started sharing a room.  It's like, just sleeping in the same room has created this even deeper connection.  Praise God!

 

On the down side, I'm left with an empty crib that I just can't take apart yet...praying for God to fill it.

 

While we were in New Orleans this summer, we got to bring Steven, our 3 year old with Asperger's Syndrome to a medical doctor that specializes in treating children with autism.  Dr. Stephanie Cave is a somewhat famous doctor who currently treats over 700 autistic children, plus many other people.  These are the notes from our 4 hour appointment:

 

These are my notes and I tried to remember it as closely as I could.  Much of the information was new to me and completely over my head, so I’ll try my hardest to be accurate.  However, if I mistakenly misquote her, trust a better source!  I thought this information might be helpful to some of you, but it is clearly second-hand, so keep that in mind.

I’d love opinions and won’t be offended!

 

The 2 hour appointment was overall very helpful, encouraging, interesting, and worth every penny!

 

Dr. Cave is a medical doctor who simply didn’t buy in to the “drug” solution for every problem.  She currently works with over 700 autistic children.  She is somewhat famous in the Biomedical field.  IMO, her emphasis is on Chemistry.

 

The appointment lasted 2 hours with Dr. Cave, then 2 more hours doing blood work, etc.  I went with my son Steven, my dad, and my step-mom.

 

When Dr. Cave walked in, she was friendly and looked young and healthy! She is probably in her late 50’s based on the amount of education, etc.

 

I explained to her that our son was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome a few months ago at 3 ½ years old.  She asked what I was seeing that made me bring him in.  I mentioned developmental delays, poor eye contact, unusual interaction with strangers and some peers, some rigidity in routines, sensory issues, and the fact that a few people had really encouraged us to test him.

 

Dr. Cave said that she didn’t think anyone could be diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at age 3.  She felt it was hard to tell if a 13 year old had it. (I didn’t really agree with this part)  So, she felt that he may have some developmental issues and poor eye contact, but it was probably mostly related to physiology. 

 

She began explaining the body and how it digests, takes in nutrients, expels bad things (my wording!), etc.  She showed us this big chart of chemistry including the Krebs Cycle (which was the only thing I recognized from my one year of Chem in college!).  It made sense when she explained it.  And, it seemed very scientific…not fluffy.  She is an M.D.

 

Then, she explained some things about vaccines and how children born between 1930 (?) -2002 are fighting all the mercury, bad viruses, etc. that are in vaccines.  She said the first case of autism was discovered in 1932, two years after vaccines were introduced (?).  She is definitely not completely against vaccines, but is against the way they are done and the number of vaccines given.  She has a great book called, “What your doctor will NOT tell you about vaccinations.”  She also pointed out that many of the vaccines are for viruses that you don’t die from.  You get it, if it’s bad enough, take an antibiotic, then, you’re immune!

Also, the Mumps (or Measles?) outbreak recently is happening in people who had the vaccines…they are not testing to see how long this vaccine lasts!

The Hep B, which is given at birth, is a sexually transmitted disease!!  Now, I know kids are having sex younger, but come on!  Also, Dr. Cave said this vaccine only immunizes for 5 years!!  Who is thinking here?

I appreciated that she was not just pessimistic about the world.  What I mean is that I was a little nervous she would explain all these horrible things about our environment, food products, everything around us, corruption—can’t trust anyone, not doctors, not FDA, not anyone.

I know much of the skepticism about doctors, etc. is true and I know we are destroying the environment every day, but I also know that we live in a fallen world.  Even though it is fallen, it is the world God has placed us in. We’ve pretty much ruined it, but God knew we would, and He still has us here.  So, until Jesus returns, it must be the place He wants us in.

I can try to change the world some day, but today, I just want to protect my family and do what I can for them.  Besides, I’m not really a “change the world kind of girl!”

Dr. Cave was honest about so many things that are harmful and wrong, but she still seemed optimistic.  She mentioned at one time that we need to have a “living mentality”, not a “dying one”.  She also prayed for us at the end and said God would heal our child more than anything else.

 

Okay, back to the chemistry chart!  She explained many things, but I only understood a little.  I pray you won’t read this and think Dr. Cave doesn’t know what she’s talking about, but rather, that you’ll know this is MY report of what she said and she knows it…I don’t.

She explained how everyone is born with a gene code (MTHFR) and it is either +-, ++, or --.  A pos./pos. is the best and this person will have the strongest immune system.  A negative/negative is the worst and this person will get every virus, have allergies, etc.  You can build on it, but will need to supplement more than others.

She ran a test to see what my son’s is. 

She also explained how mercury/metals block healing, immune fighting, etc.  She gave me a prescription to exempt my son from future vaccines.  She said the 4 &5 year old vaccines are especially harmful.  She recommended we NOT vaccinate the rest of our kids.

 

She ran many blood tests and is going to design treatment based on that, but she started us off with a few supplements and one prescription for yeast. 

She recommended the Gluten Free/Casein Free diet to try for 4 months, but the blood work will show if he needs to stay on it longer.

She recommended:

Supplements: Multivitamin/Mineral (Super Nuthera), Zinc, fish oil, cod liver oil, amino acid formula, and actifolate.

Liver Detox: Epsom salts baths (1 cup of Epsom salt, 1 cup baking soda)-soak for 15 minutes 1 x a week.            And, Magnesium Sulfate cream on days of no Epsom salt bath.

Colon Treatment:  Nystatin Suspension, Klaire labs Thera Complete, and Juice Plus (fruit and veggie gummy bears!)

 

She is also doing urine samples and hair samples to determine morphine in the body and metals.

 

 

She also said that his extreme reactions to mosquito bites and common occurrence of hand, foot, and mouth disease is a direct sign that his immune system is compromised…she recommended the Juice Plus kids vitamins to aid in rebuilding the immune system.

 

I left feeling hopeful that my son will improve and start “living” more fully.

 

She also gave us a recommended book list, so if you’re interested, let me know.

 

Hope that helps,

 

Driving around New Orleans 9 months after Hurricane Katrina is like driving through a war zone.  I’ve heard others who’ve been here say that, but I never knew what they meant until now.

 

New Orleans is a huge city and I’ve driven (and gotten lost) through quite a bit of it these few weeks.  While driving, I am still in awe of the destruction.  At least every 5 minutes of driving, no matter where you are, you will see a deserted and destroyed neighborhood.  Think about it next time you drive through your town.  Imagine every few miles, randomly all over town, you will see complete subdivisions empty, closed up houses with a yellowish “water line” mark on the side of it, and spray paint from the Coast Guards’ indication of people in the house. 

 

Many houses have not even been gutted yet.  They are sitting there, many never even opened, full of belongings that were under water for 2 weeks and have now re-shifted to wherever in the house they came back down to.  Refrigerators on top of kitchen countertops.  Recliners wedged in between bunk beds.  Pianos on top of couches.  In many cases, the owner has not even returned since the hurricane. That really perplexed me for a while.  If it were my house, I would’ve run over here as fast as I could to see what damage was done and see if I could salvage anything. 

But, after talking to a few homeowners and seeing some of the destruction, I’m beginning to understand.

 

The worst damage was done in the lower 9th ward.  This is a low-income area of New Orleans that is the area just below where the levee broke.  The levee broke  at 10am the day after Katrina had ravaged through New Orleans.  This is part of why so many people were taken by surprise when the water flooded through because it was several hours after the hurricane had passed.  This "surprise" contributed to many of the deaths.

 

The area there is like nothing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.  There are literally houses on top of houses.  On one spot, you’ll see what looks like two houses, a car, and other debris piled on top of each other.  Next to it, you’ll see an empty slab of concrete.  I would not even go near the houses because it might fall on me.  It is so unstable, but amazingly still sitting there amidst the wreckage 9 months later. 

 

I honestly don’t know why so much is still left un-cleaned, but when you go around the city, you see that this is the case everywhere and even if the city cleared out and cleaned up 30 houses today, it would only be a small dent in what needs to happen.  Also, many homeowners have spray painted on their homes, “no bulldozing” or “no trespassing”. 

 

In some senses, it’s laughable because there is clearly nothing else to do with the house except bulldoze it, but they have a right to their property.  So, what is the government supposed to do about that??  It’s a mess!

 

So, I think that is why so many people have not returned.  It’s depressing to see all that they lost...I mean everything...your house, memories, neighborhoods.  It motivates me even more that my home is in heaven, not here.

 

There are positive things going on which I’ll have to write more about soon, but for now that is my first glance at New Orleans!

 

We have very limited internet access, so I will probably write most of our summer experience here when I get back and hopefully put pictures too!

 

This summer, our assignment with Campus Crusade is to lead a project of 50 college students doing relief work and evangelism in New Orleans.

We always stay in "interesting" places on summer projects and this time is no exception!

 

Dave drove down to New Orleans the day before the boys and I had planned to get there so he could clean up the place before we arrived.  Let's just say, he didn't have enough time!

 

So, I pulled into our duplex in the 9th ward and laughed out loud when I saw it.  I don't know why laughing was my response, but it still seems fitting. 

 

The duplex is on a street of homes that were under water for a few weeks.  Most houses have a "water line" marked on the outside that is at least up to the second floor.  Our duplex is white (or was) with a screened porch, except that all of the screens are torn.  Trash and long grass covers the front yard.  My favorite aspect is the "all clear" spray painted on the house left-over from the hurricane. 

 

It's interesting because on one hand, it is a complete tragedy...the "water lines", spray painted indicators of remaining head counts, missing street signs, still homeless people and piles of molded belongings discarded along every street. 

 

But, on the other hand, it is an experience that will be remembered and re-lived for at least 100 years. Grandmother's will say, "Remember hurricane Katrina. I was there.  It was terrible."  But, now it is part of history and there is some sense of belonging when residents refer to it. 

 

I especially saw this in the fact that the woman who owns the duplex we are living in painted "Water Line" on the outside of the newly painted house.  I'm glad she did.  As much as the power and destruction of that day still makes me shiver, it is something we shouldn't forget.  And for those who lived through it, it is a part of who they are.    

 

I avoid tragedy at all costs, but at the end of the day, tragedy is often what shapes us the most.  A life without tragedy is "safe" but also lacks meaning and depth.   

 

I can't wait to see all that God teaches us this summer through the tragedy of the people of New Orleans and their strength and perseverance in recovering.

 

I hope to keep you posted, but we will have limited internet access (obviously).  So, I'll update as often as I can.

Steven has been going to school for a few weeks now and seems to enjoy it.  One thing he is excited about is wanting to ride the bus!  Most kids in his class ride the bus.  At first, I was shocked and thought there was no way I was going to put my 3 year old on a school bus!  But, the teacher really encouraged us that all the kids love it and they put seatbelts on them with an aid who sits with them. 

 

Steven is rarely eager to do anything "adventurous".   We were glad he wanted to try it and finally decided to let him. 

 

So, this morning, Dave and I walked Steven to the end of the driveway and waited as the bus approached.  Steven jumped up and down when he saw it and went right up the stairs! 

 

Then, it happened.  Fear.  I followed him up the stairs and saw him go from an excited skip to a reluctant drag.  His eyes darted downward and he began to shake a little.  This bus was NOT all he thought it would be.

 

The aid set him down and began putting the seatbelt on him.  As I was backing off the bus, he began to have a look of panic.  It was that tense, can't catch your breath, terrifying look.

 

As I stood next to Dave outside the window of the bus, Steven started yelling, "Daddy, I NEED you!", "Daddy, I need you, I need you!"  We didn't know wether to jump on the bus and pull him off or just wait for him to be whisked away and it would be over.  So, we stood there sort of stunned, blew kisses and watched him ride off.

 

I still feel sick about it now.  I went inside and had a long cry.  Then, I called the transportation department and let them know that Steven would NOT be riding the bus to school anymore.   I think he's had enough "stretching" for now.

 

I was thinking about it all day and my heart ached for him.  Mostly because he's my son and went he hurts, I hurt.  But also because I know exactly how he feels.

 

My life lately is a lot like getting on that bus.  When we embarked on this adventure of parenting, all I could see were the fun, exicting, wonderful things about having children.  But, as I take steps deeper into this journey I've gone from a skip to a slow, hesitant walk.  Things I was sure about before are now overshadowed by everything I'm afraid of and uncertain of. 

 

I hear myself crying out to God, "Daddy, I need you", shaking with fear and just wanting it to be over with.  But, He doesn't snap me off that bus...I'm still on that bus, still scared, still excited, still seeing the wonderful things, but all the while wondering where this bus is going, am I all alone, and will the uneasiness of it ever go away?

 

Dave would've loved to get on that bus and ride the whole way to school holding Steven's hand, comforting him the whole way and pointing out all the exciting things about riding the bus, but he couldn't.  God, on the other hand is God, and He is different.

 

God put me on this ride.  I wasn't ready.  I didn't prepare for this.  I don't know what I'm doing.  But, my comfort comes from knowing that He does ride WITH me, the whole way, comforting me every block.  It's part of the reason I'm on this ride, so I'll cry out, "Abba, Father, I need You!".  Because He knows what I need and it's more than a steady ride. I need to know that life is about Him and that He made me for Himself.  And, he loves me.

 

So, tonight, I'm going to sit comfy next to my Abba Father and ride this scary ride, holding His hand the whole way, listening to His words of comfort.

 

P.S.  Steven later said he had fun on the bus!  (He's still not riding to school on it though...mommy can't handle it) 

 I look forward to the day when I'll look back and see the ride was worth it.

 

 

I think acknowledging that my son, my precious, perfect, firstborn, Steven falls into the category of “disabled” has been one of the hardest things to swallow.  Every time I say, “My son is in the Public Preschool for Disabled children”, or “my son rides the bus for disabled children” I have to fight the knot in my throat and try to act un-affected.

 

See, I was certainly never one of those kids that teased “different” people.  My mother wouldn’t have allowed that for one second.  But, I can vividly remember almost every kid in school who was disabled.  I never KNEW them, but I’d seen them.  I was afraid of them...the strange walk, the wheelchair, the helmet,, the slurred words, the lack of eye contact, the awkward hand movements, the way they stumbled a little.  I didn’t dislike them, but I didn’t seek to SEE them.  I avoided them...didn’t look right at them, didn’t try to talk to them, definitely prayed I’d never get stuck alone with them. 

 

Fear.  That’s all it was.  Fear, because I didn’t understand them and wouldn’t know what to do or say if something unexpected happened.  Don’t ask me what I thought would happen, but I certainly wasn’t going to be around to find out.  So, I’d just avoid them at all costs and that was the extent to which I thought of them.

 

The one thing I’d always been thankful for concerning my children or my nieces & nephews was, “thank God they are healthy”.  Maybe it was because I was AFRAID of what it would mean if they weren't “healthy”.  Maybe it was just that I truly was thankful for a “full” life.

So, when the doctor said “autism”, all my fears slapped me in the face. 

 

Now, my precious Steven would be one of those children other people would avoid, would stare at, would be AFRAID of.  This….is hard to swallow.

 

Every time I see a disabled person, my heart drops.  Knowing our connection.  Knowing others will never see Steven the way I do, but will see his disability instead and be AFRAID.

 

But, my heart is changing.  Today, a precious girl (disabled) waited on my table in her sweet, awkward way.  I looked her right in the eye and asked her how her day was.  In that second, I knew it.  God is changing me.  I’m not afraid of her.  I’m not afraid of getting stuck in a 10 minute conversation in which I don’t understand half of it.  She is just as precious to God (more) as my Steven is to me.

 

I pray God will continue to change me and hopefully those in Steven’s life.  Value is not about being athletic, social, or even being normal.  It is based on God’s view of us and He made us.  The untainted love I feel for my Steven is a glimpse of the love of the Father.

 

If only we could always see through our Father’s eyes.

 

Do you ever reach that "breaking point"? 

 

This week, I reached it.  I was snappy to my sweet husband, short with my boys, irritated with anyone that crossed me and could "misinterpret" any comment to be negatively directed at me!  Not a pretty thing.

Dave, being the smart and perceptive husband that he is, suggested we take a day and go to Galveston.

 

Brilliant!

 

We packed up the boys, food, books, sand toys, towels and drove 45 minutes to the beach.  We drove the whole way with the windows down and singing songs as loud as we wanted (a favorite pasttime of mine!).

 

We rented a $15 umbrella and enjoyed a day in the sun!  Dave (full of energy) raced the boys back and forth in and out of the water so many times that it made me tired just watching!  Steven would play in the sand, come up to me and say, "Mom, I'm all done playing in the sand, okay." Then, run out to the water, splash around and repeat the whole ordeal again starting with playing in the sand.

 

One of the best moments was watching Jackson look up at Dave in total admiration, waiting for Daddy to give the "1,2,3 Go" before running in the water again.  Oh, thank God for family!

 

So, we're refreshed, a little sunburnt, and ready for another week!

 

Happy Easter....He is Risen!

Jackson (2 years old) and I went for a date this morning while Steven was at school.  He relished in the "just mom and me" time while we shared a bagel and read books for an hour.  I loved it too!

Jackson kissed and hugged me throughout the whole hour and was surprisingly still!  Amazing what filling that love tank can do.

 

Our date reminded me of an insightful article I read from Dr. Greenspan who invented "Floortime", a model of therapy for special needs kids.  I don't know if he's a Christian, but I think he is on to something that God was on to when He invented the family a few thousand years ago.  I have to laugh every time Dr. Greenspan says "new" or "we've just now discovered," because I know it was really God's first, but man always thinks we've figured out something "new"!

 

I added the words in parentheses, but the rest is from the Floortime website:

 

"There are three insights of the last twenty years that are the cornerstones of our new way of working with infants and children with developmental problems:

 

First Insight:  Language, cognition, as well as emotional and social skills are all learned through interactive relationships which involve affective exchanges. 

 

 

Now, (just a FEW years after God, ha, ha) we know that the mind and brain grow MOST RAPIDLY in the early years as an outgrowth of interactions with caregivers....

 

MOST essential are the MULTIPLES of interactions with children that exchange emotions and provide a fundamental sense of RELATEDNESS.  When we deprive these children of this relatedness, as we have seen in children in oprhanages and other settings, they DON'T GROW.  (Kind of makes me wonder about the "needs pyramid"...physical needs are most basic?.....don't know about that...maybe emotional/relational is first...hmmm, we're born with a deep need for relationship...and God created us for what?...that's right, relationship with Him!)

 

(my favorite part....) Today we must work on the relatioship with the child and the whole family pattern because it is within the family context, as well as the cultural and community contacts, that these relationships, and emotional interactions occur.  Intervention must mean a much broader relationship-based, family-based, cultural and community apporach to children with special needs. (or all kids!)"

 

So, for all  you out there who wonder if your time is "wasted" playing with the kids...think again. We are forming the foundation for real growth!  I love it!

 

For more information on Floortime, go to www.floortime.org For this article, click on "Our Approach", then "Earlier Models and New Insights"

 

Go enjoy the family!

 

 

 

I was driving to BSF (Bible study fellowship) last night and was listening to my hymns CD.  “Great is Thy Faithfulness” came on and it was one of those moments when you roll down the window, sing as loud as you possibly can, then cry afterwards reflecting on the words.

 

Great is Thy Faithfulness.  Hmmm.  One of my favorites.

 

“Great is Thy Faithfulness.  Oh God, my father.  There is no turning or changing with thee.  Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not.  As thou hast been, thou forever wilt be.”

 

The faithfulness part of God has always given me peace.  It is so clear that He really never does change.  He always does what He says and He will never leave me.

 

But, how great is His faithfulness? Does it really have Power?  Is it Great enough?

 

As I’m learning all these things about Steven’s Asperger’s and all the potential “causes”, I can’t help but think about all the things I did as a mother that could’ve caused this.  Now, I know you are going to read this and just immediately say, “oh, honey, you didn’t cause this.”  Well, thanks.  But I have to face it head on.  It’s not something I can just “oh honey” myself over.

 

I mean, what if I didn’t hug him enough, play with him enough.  What if I let him cry too long or didn’t take my prenatal vitamins soon enough?  I shouldn’t have given him ALL those vaccines.  I should've seen it sooner.  I should’ve called this doctor instead of that one.  I never should’ve…

 

I know in my head I didn’t cause this in my treasured son.  But, my heart aches that maybe I did.

 

So, God, I’m asking.  How GREAT is your faithfulness?  Is it big enough to cover my mistakes.  You put Steven in my care and in some ways, I know I’ve failed.  Are you big enough to cover my weaknesses, my sin?  Please don’t hold my failures against Steven.  Please don’t make him pay for things only I should pay the price for.

I am struck instantly by the 4th verse:  

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth, Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide, Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

 

His faithfulness is Great enough to COVER my sin.  Jesus’ death on the cross pardon’s my sin.  His plans will prevail and my Steven will NOT fall through the cracks of my failures.

 

I am in awe at the GREATNESS of His faithfulness and thankful to the bottom of my soul that IT IS ENOUGH to cover me.

 

It is about 3 weeks into my new life with an autistic child.  I have been swimming in research, phone calls, insurance, tears, exhaustion, and not a lot of fun.

My dad, who is always good for a little perspective, reminded me today in an email:

Alicia,

Well, well, well, as I look to 8:30 this morning for my favorite time (my root canal) I think of my screen saver Steve  and his extra special mom! 

I know you are faced with a major challenge--but as I was emotionally bleading inside about a number of items in my life with you guys on the top of my list--Mike asked me what’s  up?  A lot on my mind was what I responded as he was seeping chemo into his veins after just having talked to my special daughter about my grandson, Steven.  He looked at me and said, hey, you could be me with these tubes pouring into your arm.  I got the point!  We have a lot to be thankful for and a God who maintains our strength and will as needed.  We will do the best we can to assist God in Steven's future.

I love you little girl and am so proud of you and your effort, take some time and smell the roses.

                                                +++

Well, if that doesn’t remind me of what is really going on!

So, that afternoon, Steven and I were pulling weeds in the yard  and Steven says “Look mom, a flower.  I smell it”.  He proceeds to get real close, blow OUT instead of in and say, “hmmm, it smells good.”  Now, I know that is a typical “Asperger” thing to do...the act instead of understanding what it really means, but you have to admire that. 

Even though Steven doesn’t understand why you “smell the roses” or even how good it really smells, he will one day.  So, for now, I’m going to smell the roses, even though it scares me to pause from my frantic search for a cure with EARLY intervention screaming at me, even though I don’t understand “why”, I just have to trust God that He has planned this life, and He says to BREATHE! 

I don’t feel like smelling the roses today and I don’t even get a lot of sweetness from it, but I’m going to follow Steven’s example and my dad’s advice and take a breather.  I’m going to turn off the internet, quit calling doctors, quit worrying about all that we can and should be doing and rest in the sweetness of my Savior.

“they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”  Isaiah 40:31

 

I started the "homeschool adventure" feeling excited and confident God had lead us down this path to homeschool which of course was totally out of my realm of "acceptable" options  four years ago (before having kids!).

I thought, "this'll be great!"

Then, my son (3 1/2) was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome a month ago.

To say  my world was turned upside down is not an exaggeration.  I was told immediately that homeschooling was NOT an option for this child.

So, I begin my journey.