Steven has been going to school for a few weeks now and seems to enjoy it.  One thing he is excited about is wanting to ride the bus!  Most kids in his class ride the bus.  At first, I was shocked and thought there was no way I was going to put my 3 year old on a school bus!  But, the teacher really encouraged us that all the kids love it and they put seatbelts on them with an aid who sits with them. 

Steven is rarely eager to do anything "adventurous".   We were glad he wanted to try it and finally decided to let him. 

So, this morning, Dave and I walked Steven to the end of the driveway and waited as the bus approached.  Steven jumped up and down when he saw it and went right up the stairs! 

Then, it happened.  Fear.  I followed him up the stairs and saw him go from an excited skip to a reluctant drag.  His eyes darted downward and he began to shake a little.  This bus was NOT all he thought it would be.

The aid set him down and began putting the seatbelt on him.  As I was backing off the bus, he began to have a look of panic.  It was that tense, can't catch your breath, terrifying look.

As I stood next to Dave outside the window of the bus, Steven started yelling, "Daddy, I NEED you!", "Daddy, I need you, I need you!"  We didn't know wether to jump on the bus and pull him off or just wait for him to be whisked away and it would be over.  So, we stood there sort of stunned, blew kisses and watched him ride off.

I still feel sick about it now.  I went inside and had a long cry.  Then, I called the transportation department and let them know that Steven would NOT be riding the bus to school anymore.   I think he's had enough "stretching" for now.

I was thinking about it all day and my heart ached for him.  Mostly because he's my son and went he hurts, I hurt.  But also because I know exactly how he feels.

My life lately is a lot like getting on that bus.  When we embarked on this adventure of parenting, all I could see were the fun, exicting, wonderful things about having children.  But, as I take steps deeper into this journey I've gone from a skip to a slow, hesitant walk.  Things I was sure about before are now overshadowed by everything I'm afraid of and uncertain of. 

I hear myself crying out to God, "Daddy, I need you", shaking with fear and just wanting it to be over with.  But, He doesn't snap me off that bus...I'm still on that bus, still scared, still excited, still seeing the wonderful things, but all the while wondering where this bus is going, am I all alone, and will the uneasiness of it ever go away?

Dave would've loved to get on that bus and ride the whole way to school holding Steven's hand, comforting him the whole way and pointing out all the exciting things about riding the bus, but he couldn't.  God, on the other hand is God, and He is different.

God put me on this ride.  I wasn't ready.  I didn't prepare for this.  I don't know what I'm doing.  But, my comfort comes from knowing that He does ride WITH me, the whole way, comforting me every block.  It's part of the reason I'm on this ride, so I'll cry out, "Abba, Father, I need You!".  Because He knows what I need and it's more than a steady ride. I need to know that life is about Him and that He made me for Himself.  And, he loves me.

So, tonight, I'm going to sit comfy next to my Abba Father and ride this scary ride, holding His hand the whole way, listening to His words of comfort.

P.S.  Steven later said he had fun on the bus!  (He's still not riding to school on it though...mommy can't handle it) 

 I look forward to the day when I'll look back and see the ride was worth it.