No, this post is not about me riding the city bus.  My life is no where near that exciting!  But, as I lay in bed last night (where I do all my deep thinking), I thought about how my life is very much like riding the city bus.

A constant theme in my life lately has been humility.  I don't know that I've ever been humbled so much as I have in the last 6 months. 

I thought I was a good disciplinarian.  Nope.  My kids act like maniacs at a family reunion.

I thought I connected well with my children.  Not so fast.  Your kid has autism.

I thought I was a good wife.  Funny, 7 years is not long enough to achieve that status!

I thought I was good at relationships.  Woops.  Major challenges with those too!

I thought I trusted God.  Ummm, staying up all night worrying and crying...not so much "trusting God"!

Do I need to go on?

Well, I'm not just being hard on myself.  It's just that, apparently, I had a glorified image of myself before because the shock of reality has been just that, shocking!

But, as with anything in life, it is an opportunity and it doesn't take much looking to see where God is working.

Humility-a good thing.  Discouragement-not so good.

I have read 1 Peter so many times this summer. 

"As you come to Him....chosen and precious".  "...you have received mercy."  "Do good, suffer for it, this is gracious to God."  "By his wounds you have been healed."  "God opposes the proud, but give GRACE to the humble."

"Humble yourselves under the  mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

I am humbled but filled with Courage as I read God's Word.

I am discouraged as I focus on my weaknesses and failures.

As I lay in bed, I was battling which path my thoughts would take me.  Humility leading to courage-God's power in me.  Or, depression leading to total discouragement.

Why would I choose the latter?  Why, when God offers peace, would I choose anxiety?

It's like riding the bus. 

I'm on the bus.  I watch as life passes by.  I see both my failures and my victories.  My failures stick out the most and are more frequent and more consequential than I'd like.  My victories zoom past me and no one notices them, including myself.

The bus driver knows my destination and is prepared to take me all the way, but I have the option of pulling the leather strap above my head and stopping the bus. 

I trust the bus driver; He's always taken care of me.  I know He has a great route planned, but it is unknown to me.  Not only is it unknown, but it is completely out of my control.

Ahhhh.  Control.  I got on the bus.  I followed the rules.  I trusted the bus driver.  But, control.  I must keep my hand from pulling that strap, stopping the bus, and choosing my own way.

I don't like where the stop will leave me.  It's dark out there and I feel uncomfortable.  But, I would be in control.  I would be choosing my route, my pain.  I wouldn't have to wait to see what comes next, I would know. 

Even my stop would be worse than the planned route.  I still long for control.

So, I lay in bed.  I think of how God has humbled me and I know there is more ahead.  I also think of the pain I've endured and how defeated I feel to continue on.

What do I choose?  Humility and hope, but loose the control?

Or, discouragement, reality, but keep control.

I am so tempted to lift my hand up and pull that bus to a halt. 

But, I keep my eyes on the bus driver as he looks at me through the rear view mirror.  I stop focusing on the passing scenes of my life and focus on the look of love and assurance from my Father.

Lord, give me the strength to choose You every moment.  Take every thought captive.