Hey. I suppose you've all missed me, hm? Me and my dark, toxically sarcastic, incredibly creepy comments. Me, beating the bad guys to hell where they belong. Me, telling everything just like it is. Me, being so incredibly cynical sometimes you just get sick of it. Me, complaining about how lonely I am and you get sick of that too.

     It's surprising what a little makeup can do.

     Ok. So everybody here knows that I've been attending public school for the past....has it been almost FOUR?.....months? Some of you--in fact MOST of you--don't know that I met a boy that was surprisingly like Richard Matthews and yes, I dated him for about two months. He said he loved me; he said he loved me forever. He still says that. But now that he's broken up with me....I don't know.

     Everybody knows that with my personality, I was an outcast by my own choice. I was the pretty, long-haired, innocent little blonde who didn't know about things that most kids my age shouldn't know yet still know, and since I was sheltered for 15 years, I didn't understand what they meant when they were cracking dirty jokes.

     Everybody thought, she's too different to hang out with.

     From time to time, I would be extremely cynical, toxically sarcastic. Sometimes I flat-out made people mad; others I just made them laugh. Sometimes I tried to be funny with my cynicism. Most of the time, though, I wasn't on my dark side. I was too nice to be mean to anybody. Humph.

     When Alex broke up with me, I decided, I will never love again. But how, since I'm so pretty and innocent(most guys like innocent girls, ya gotta admit), was I supposed to keep them all back? I decided, let's try Goth for awhile. Didn't like it. Dropped the game after two weeks. Besides, too many people said I couldn't be Goth without black hair. And there are tooooo many weiiiiird and creepy things about Goths that you don't want to know about that I found out about not too long after...even though I was just pretending so that I could scare other boys away, I couldn't go around having people think that about me.

     OK, I told myself, how about I just try to be so weird that no one can figure me out? So, sometimes I dressed in black, sometimes I dressed in pink, sometimes I dressed in camoflage.....sometimes I dressed like a fourth grader. Figure Me Out, this new label was called.

     But I was still that innocent little girl.

     So scratch that.

     The last label I attempted was Giant Screaming Rainbow, stolen from an icon that said, "I remember being attacked by a giant screaming rainbow...but it was just technical difficulties." I dressed in bright colors that kinda...well....screamed. And I was planning to be my strange, hard to understand, hyper, confusing, authoress self. But while I dressed like that, I was being sharp and sarcastic and cynical and insulting to EVERYONE....Raynea when she's in a good mood. (we never defined that, but whenever I was messing around with Johnny and Martin, that was my good mood.)

     So I left THAT idea behind, and for awhile I wore whatever I wanted to and was in whatever mood I wanted to be in.

     Just so you know, while all this was happening, Alex was still acting like we were going out.....not with everybody around, of course. When we were alone, I still had hope.....

     And then one day he decides to tell me that he doesn't want to do anything like that anymore, because there's this girl coming back from New York who was his first love.

     *growl*

     I thought this kid was DIFFERENT!!!!!!!

     For a couple more weeks after that, I kept looking at him, talking to him with my lovelorn heart showing through. Sometimes I would be really downcast, sometimes I would be really happy but I was faking it. Sometimes I'd be happy when I wasn't faking it. Whatever.

     He told me, even so, he still loves me.

     But was he lying to me now just so I won't cry?

     Unfortunately, I've already cried twice over it(even though other girls would have cried buckets over a situation like this), once when I was actually IN school, but never in his presence.....because I don't know who to trust anymore, and I'm sick of it.

     So, just like Raynea, I started hiding my pain,---but taking it out on others with my anger and cynicism.

     This started last week. I don't know why, I can't help it, but I started lashing out at the other boys. The boys I've been talking to....the boys I'm just friends with. (I was too weird for the girls, so I only had friends who were boys.) I suppose it isn't really fair....no, it's NOT fair....but I can't help it anymore.

     I started wearing black again, not all the time but here and there. And I've been wearing this black sweatshirt over top my other clothes. And doing my makeup. Which never was much--just blush and sort of bright blue eyeshadow. And lipstick. I consider lipstick a sort of shield against kisses. Weird but true.

     One day this girl named Emily--a girl I help in math class--asked me if she could put some makeup and eyeliner on me. I shrugged and said OK, I didn't really care. So she did, and she did my hair so part of it swipes over my forehead from one side to the other and tucks behind my ear.

     Then when I went to Japanese class, this other girl that I talk to occasionally--and is punk/emo--said I looked pretty Goth to her.

     Hummmmmm.......

     I had Emily do my mascara again the next day, and that day we had a rehearsal for choir. As we were getting into our places, this one girl named Alyssa(one of those "normal" girls) gasped and said I looked soooooooo pretty. In under two minutes I had five other girls--all her friends--fawning over me. They wanted to give me a makeover.

     So I shrugged and said, "OK, as long as you don't cut or dye my hair." (Side note: I do NOT refuse to have my hair touched because of what I believe or anything.....it's just that I'm proud of my long hair and so is my dad. Although I do believe that you should not change your natural hair color because that's what God gave you and that's what He wanted you to have....but it doesn't have ANYTHING to do with some crazy religion!!!)

     So yesterday, they did my makeup and gave me a new hairdo, and EVERYBODY was fawning all over me, saying I looked so pretty they just couldn't get over it. A couple girls said they wanted to do me up too, and that I should do my makeup like that more often; when I replied that I don't have the money to go buying all that stuff, they said they'll give me some for Christmas.

     Now I have all KINDS of friends that are girls.

     Jealous much?

     It's surprising what a little makeup can do.