I have been wondering about something, especially as I train my children.  Maybe its something all of you have already thought of, maybe it's old hat, but it's nothing profound, but it is something that has been going through my mind for a little while now.  Here it is

Is it better to have a strong relationship with a child, or is it better to have obedience from a child?

Now, granted these two things are pretty closely related, and in real life it is seldom that you have to exclusively choose one or the other, but there have been a few instances where I have felt like I was making a choice between having a relationship with them, or having them obey me.  Have you ever been there?  I have won the battle.  My child has obeyed me, I have exhibited my power and control as a parent, and the relationship, at least temporarily has been damaged.  So, which was most important, was the damaged relationship worth winning the battle to get them to obey.  This is especially a pertinent question with my boys.

It seems that maybe, and these are some random thoughts, but just maybe this is the difference between the Hebrew method of raising children and the Greek method of raising children.  The way the ancient Hebrews worked with and raised their children was very much a discipleship approach.  They did things with their families (Deut. 6).  They taught as they walked, laid down, rose up, etc., etc., etc.  the Greek method, currently in use today in most educational institutions, including the church, involves giving facts to a group of students.  So, maybe when all I demand is obedience, I am only giving the facts, and expecting a response, instead of building that relationship.

In other words, maybe my boys clean their room, but how clean is their heart if that's all I get.  Is their heart damaged and hurt when I go in and fuss at them for having a dirty room.  Maybe their school work gets done, but only after tears, hurt feelings and a fear of getting the answers wrong.  Maybe we made it through family worship, but everyone is miserable and frustrated because I forced everyone to sit still after a long day of being cooped up, instead of realizing that my boys will fidget some, and amy not think the same way I do.

So, am I advocating that we not make our children to things they don't like?  NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.  Honestly, I am not sure I completely know the answer to this, but I do know it is something I am puzzling over.  But I think the answer lies somewhere in what my expectations are, how I tell my children what those expectations are and how I expect them to be fulfilled.  In other words, have I communicated clearly what I want.  Not just, go clean you room, but the idea that having a clean room shows order, similar to the order that God created in the universe and by cleaning our room, we can honor God.  We can also honor God by being a good steward of the things he gave us, and that means taking care of them, not throwing them on the floor.  And then maybe helping them with a plan to organize.  giving them something to do to organize their room, maybe even making it a game.  And finally helping them see that it isn't having a clean room because it drives me crazy when it's not, but that having a clean room will help them be better fathers and husbands when they grow up. 

In the past it seems the church has taught that obedience is the main thing for children, make sure you win the battles.  Maybe, and I would really like to hear your thoughts, but maybe we should look at it as having our children work with us as a family to battle the Evil One, rather than us battling each other.

So, what do you think.  Am I way off, or headed in the right direction (and yes, I know, these thoughts are incomplete, but they are a start).