Nov. 23, 2006 - Make Your Marriage Work
*Again - an article I wrote for a local HS magazine.
Make Your Marriage Work
Have you ever noticed how many marriages don’t make it? I scrapbook and usually have one heart die-cut on the pages I do of friend and family marriages. I also am a busy home schooling mom and sometimes don’t scrapbook those pages until a few years later. How discouraging it is to come to wedding photos and to know their marriage has already broken up.
My husband and I will have celebrated our 22nd Anniversary by the time you read this. I actually asked him last night if he had ever thought we wouldn’t make our marriage work. He kind of shook his head a little and said there were a couple of times when he wondered about me giving up.
So…. have you ever been in a place in your marriage when you didn’t love your spouse?
When life was overwhelming in its have to’s and you didn’t have time to work on being a couple? When you wondered about continuing on together as a couple and a family?
When __________ (you fill in the blank)?
I might be a little outspoken in this area. I just know when I was struggling in our relationship – I didn’t know one other couple that struggled and made it. I know you can have struggles and go on to a better relationship together than you ever had – because we have done it. We are actually happier together now than we have ever been, which is an amazing answer to prayer.
Oh, and by the way – we did marry for life. The D word isn’t part of our vocabulary, but wouldn’t it be nice to be happy together, rather than just "together"?
Was it fun? Was it easy? Ah, no…. It was actually pretty hard to continue on, at times. And yet, there were always glimmers of hope.
One thing that helped us was learning about the temperaments. There are a couple of different books about that. See authors Tim LaHaye and Florence Littauer for more information. Basically, there are four temperaments.
- Choleric’s want to do things their way!
- Sanguine’s want to do things the fun way!
- Melancholy’s want to do things the perfect way!
- Phlegmatic’s want to do things the peaceful way.
And to add a little more spice into the mix, usually a person is a combination of two temperaments. My husband is a choleric / sanguine (do things his way, the fun way!), while I am a sanguine / choleric (do things the fun way, my way!). When we discovered this, it was funny – even when talking, I will often talk about having fun.
Oh, and then add in your children for more fun! We have a choleric / melancholy and a sanguine / phlegmatic in our house and home school. I haven’t figured out what our youngest two are – I think it is easier to do when they are over 10 years old.
So, why did this help us? Well, it explained some character traits to me and helped us with some more give and take with each other.
The other book I know that had a big impact on me, was The 5 Love Languages by
Gary Chapman. I had noticed through the years that our gifts to each other didn’t really seem to have a great impression on each other.
These are the 5 Love Languages:
- Words of Affirmation
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
Often we give the gifts we would like to receive. Once I realized that gifts didn’t really mean much to Richard, but that he loves spending time together with me – it helped me to give him what he wanted. AND yes, I still equate gifts with love, so he has learned to give me gifts – I think he learned that years ago, actually!
So why would there be an article on marriage (or a column on marriage) in a home schooling magazine? Because marriages around us are failing and home educating families aren’t very different in that area.
You want your home school to work? MAKE your marriage work. Put some time and effort into your spouse even though work has to be done, children need to be cared for and home schooling planned…. Be creative – think of ways to be together and build your relationship. Read a book that will make your relationship better or help you understand your spouse. Get some counseling. Talk to a couple whose marriage is working. DO something before it is too late.
A thought from my sister, Jocelyn – You think life is hard with your spouse? Spend a minute now and think of how HARD life would be "without" them. Yes, they aren’t perfect, but neither are you….
One more thought I have to share is that men need respect and women need love. Make sure you are giving your spouse what they need. If you don’t, someone else might.
Yes, it was a bit humbling the other night when Richard and I talked…. I did remind him that a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. I, too, believe in marriage for life (please take that with a grain of salt – I know there are individuals out there dealing with abuse issues or safety issues for your children… I do also believe in separating to be safe), but I couldn’t see a way through our tough times.
By the way, just in case you are at the place where you don’t love your spouse right now… I have been there and done that years ago. I can remember praying that God would renew my love for my husband. It didn’t happen immediately or even after a little while, but I can remember looking at him (months later) realizing that I loved him again and I didn’t even know when it happened. Why don’t you pray today about it?
Of all the things we can do for our children, one of the most important is to love our spouses. That will bless our children throughout their lives. Show them a marriage to emulate…
God’s grace is a blessing in our lives. I continue to be thankful for my husband and our life together.
