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Daddy on the Road, Mommy on the Run
December 2, 2006
Reflecting
My husband is in Singapore right now. He's worshipping right now, to be precise. He's 13 hours ahead of us, so he's gathering in fellowship & praise. I'm so excited for him because the whole group is serving with a church there for the next week. It's so exciting to hear all that God is doing in and through them; D's been able to call each day so far, and that's kept us up to date and feeling more involved.
My daughter is simultaneously cracking me up in the laughing sense and in the hug-me-jacket sense; she's decided that she doesn't really like sleep, it is apparantly overrated when you're 4, so she gets up in the middle of the night to talk to me. Seriously. It's like the worst form of retribution imaginable. All these years of personal verbosity have now spilled over into a generational revenge. I promise you, my sweet Mama is somewhere in Heaven clapping her hands and laughing out loud that I have given birth to one who might actually out talk ME. (And LORD, would you please tell my Mama that it is NOT FUNNY!)
LittleBit has been doing this for about 3 weeks now; not every night, but quite a few each week it seems. The night D left, she got up and wanted to know why my bathroom light was still on (hey, I like a nightlight, too!), last night she tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Mommy, are you still sleeping?" Ummm... well.... not now, I guess.... but I'd like to be!
Fortunately my son sleeps like I do -- point him to a bed (shoot, point him to something relatively horizontal), tell him goodnight, cut out all the lights, and LEAVE HIM ALONE. He can go to sleep in most any level chaos and prefers to wake up very, very slowly. This Thanksgiving, his cousins did test the boundaries of his sleep prowess; he was exhausted, hauled himself onto our bed, collapsed in a heap, and told me goodnight. The other little ones couldn't keep themselves out of the room long enough for him to conk out, so I went in to lay down with him and provide proper door policing. Then the little ones began making so much clatter in the next room that his eyes would fly open, completely glazed over and then slink back to bottom lids, only to be jolted open with the next wave of auditory abuse. He finally took my face in my hands and groggily said, "Mommy, tell them to STOP!"
I had to hold it together long enough to kiss his forehead and bolt out the door to do his bidding, then I laughed 'til I cried -- so did my Mom-in-law! Ah, that's my boy -- sleep is a priority!
You know, I love all this; the joys of having two completely different children, both of whom reflect distinct imprints of their mother and father. And it has helped give me some perspective on how we all fit together in the Body of Christ. As Beth Moore puts it in Breaking Free, "Once we fall in love with Christ, we are so taken with His beauty, we want children who look just like Him."
Don't we all LONG for this??? Children who look EXACTLY like their Heavenly Father?
I know I do! And while, in the context in which she wrote it, Mrs. Moore was speaking specifically to our "spiritual offspring" -- those falling into our realm of the "go and make disciples" command -- I'm at a place in life where my soul's desire is that my children be my primary discipleship assignment. God forbid that I fail to invite others to His table, that I lose the opportunities to help younger women learn how to walk out the easy yoke; but I would be worse than an infidel if I didn't see LittleBit, IttyBitty, and any others we're blessed with as just as in need of a Savior and just as hungry for His Word.
With that in mind, I'm trying to figure out exactly what elements of Him will each of them predominantly reflect -- will she continue to have His heart of mercy and compassion to the level she does now? Will he continue to grown in strength and wisdom this way? How do I -- as we're trying desperately to do an entire 2 weeks worth of grocery shopping at lunch time -- exemplify the patience, joy, determination, perseverance, and faith of Christ? How do I explain why waxing God's Truck (the Suburban He gave us; I'll explain another time) is an act of thanksgiving to Him and even worship? How do I do more than "survive" until D gets home so that they each grow to understand that truly, His commands are NOT burdensome?
See, people tell me all the time, "oh! she's just like you!" because LittleBit talks a lot -- A LOT! -- to anyone who will listen. She rarely meets a stranger and she's bothered by anyone who seems lonely. She reaches out to babies and smaller children and tries to involve them in play or provide for their care (this is not always expeditious as we're trying to get from the front of the children's Sunday School area where the infants are all the way back to her class). LittleBit loves to "act grown" and talk on the phone and tell her Daddy, "I just need this and then I promise I'm done." Girl sounds jus' like her Mama!
But it's "like" her Mama; she's NOT her Mama. And that's a good thing.
However, when it comes to her Heavenly Father, I see Him in her -- I see the mercy of Christ as she waves and calls to old ladies huddled intently over grocery carts in the store; His "come unto Me" as she coos and pats little hands and feet and says, "Isn't she so CUTE-EE?" while the infant is wailing in carseat, wriggling to be elsewhere. I see His unmerited favor as she runs after the very little girls in her class that rarely run after her. And I'm breathless with wonder at His compassion as she hands me her coat at pick up time and says, "Hold on jus' one minute, Mommy!" and hugs each child remaining in her class because, "I don't want them to be sad their Mommy isn't here yet."
Yes, there are lots of things she's seen me do, some she has an in-born natural proclivity to; but there's lots of things that only HE can produce; fingerprints only He could leave on a tiny soul.
My job is just not to smear them.
Some days, that's not an easy task. When D's gone, I struggle not to be the overly critical, intensely purposed Mommy-in-overdrive. What God plants in my children's hearts, they have to see lived out in me; I'm the most obvious example to them of what it means to love Him (that, and they hear me talk about it all the time). What they hear in the depths of their little hearts, what settles in as they hear and hide His Word, that precious faith is best concreted by a Mommy who loves it enough to live it too.
And part of living it is understanding that just as my children both reflect very defining elements of my personality, neither reflects all of me at one time nor do they each reflect in the same way. So it is with my brothers and sisters in the Body of Christ.
So it is with my husband, my family, my closest friends, my church family, my acquaintances, my colleagues, etc.
Paul said it -- there are many different parts, but only one Head.
Not to change from Scripture, but I think of it as all of us in a prism. The LORD is the prism -- without Him, it doesn't exist, and by & through Him, all of us hold together and have our being.
But each facet of a prism can reflect a different color of light.
You and I could be sitting next to each other in the prism and you could reflect a brilliant blue and I display a vibrant green. You and I could be sitting next to each other in church and you reflect Him in skillfull service and I display the hand of mercy.
We're both equal in value and responsibility and necessity in the Body.
We're just shining forth a different beam of Light.
(ok, that sounded uber cheesy... sorry)
I have to remember that nobody has to do it like me in order to do it right. (Why is that so hard to remember???) And my little ones need to see me cherishing those differences in order that they may cherish them too. Frankly, they need to see me cherishing those differences so that they know I will cherish their differences; I didn't get that growing up -- sorry, Mama -- and I've just now at 30-something broken free of the "we always save the grocery bags" thing (don't ask about how many others exist... there's much guilt to be assuaged in leaving our well-meant legalism behind).
So tonight, LittleBit has already been up once. She's cried and said she didn't want to dream (no matter how big a control freak I've ever been, chalk that up to one area I've yet to control in my quest to conquer the world). It's midnight. IttyBitty is so sound asleep, he didn't flinch or even sigh as she had her meltdown.
I cherish that my daughter longs to interact -- all the time. I cherish that my baby boy savors his rest.
And I doubly cherish that I have a Heavenly Father who delights in each way His children reflect Him and considers each to be precious in His sight.
Father, I don't understand You, but I love You. I'm not ashamed, here in the vast expanse of cyberspace, to pray that You will meet my baby girl where she needs You most -- we've prayed and prayed 2 Timothy 1:7, and I just don't know what to do from here. Forgive my selfish heart for so desperately wanting peace and rest; for feeling that I "deserve" it. And Father, You give richly to all, so I come once more to beg You for wisdom and mercy to know which way to go with her in this and how to lovingly attend to her needs.
And Father, THANK YOU that I'm not "right." Thank You that each of us can have a different calling in You and each be the delight of Your eye! What an immeasurable gift!!! Thank You that when You look at me, You see Your Son. Just as we see through a glass darkly and will someday see face to face, LORD, I'm asking that You continue to grow me so that You won't see Jesus through me darkly, but rather, face to face. It isn't easy, LORD; it's much easier to pray for revival -- to say the words, feel the stirring -- than it is to obey into the Promised Land. Please healeth Thou mine unbelief and grant me a strength that is not my own to walk in Your ways and teach these things to my children that (should You tarry long) they, my grand-children, and my great-grandchildren to a thousand generations will walk in them and love You more.
Ah, Jesus... how sweet You are! Thank You for... You.
Amen!
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Posted by
December 3, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Thank you so much for these thoughts of such beauty and humility and graciousness and longing. I am SO grateful that I've found you to do the "talking" for me sometimes!! Again -- so beautifully articulated. Thank you!
Bless you, friend (and here's hoping for a little more sleep)!
~April