|
Daddy on the Road, Mommy on the Run
December 3, 2006
We wish Thee a worshipped Christmas...
Yesterday, to my absolute delight and surprise, a friend gave me the gift of The Glorious Coming by Ann Voskamp. Tomorrow, I will be climbing into the attic to retrieve our smallest Christmas tree and begin the devotions with my sweet babies. Tonight, I snuggled down into my couch and read greedily the Word and the words of the first days' readings.
What a blessing! What shocking revelation!
God's infinite gift -- covered in skin and wriggling in arms and inhaling the very breath of life He'd exhaled to create us -- began at "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth."
His redemptive plan unfolded fresh as Adam's eyes opened for the first time.
The picture of sacrifice, Isaac on the altar -- scandalous, horrific, cruel; the power of sacrifice, Jesus on the cross -- freedom, redemption, hope, eternity.
And tonight's devotion -- Abram moving out on the authority of a single Voice; taking Sarai his wife, Lot his nephew, and "the souls that they had gotten in Haran...." Pure trust. The evidence of things hoped for. And I love the KJV: "the souls" they got -- their slaves, their "employees." Abram's faith would undoubtedly yield a nation, God said it. But I love that the eternal destinies of each "soul" traveling with him would likewise never be the same. Whether or not they believed Abram, whether or not they thought he was crazy, they were on the move with him -- and I believe that just as Moses came down shining from the mountain, Abram's very countenance must have shown his peace with God and resolve to go.
Ann points out that the Lord is still asking if you and I have the trust to go -- without the directions, without photos of the destination, without human approval or interest.
Am I one of the 11 holding down the boat or am I the crazy fisherman crawling over the side?
Am I the one feeling threatened by a slave girl or am I calling out for The God Who Sees and trusting Him when He tells me to go back home?
LORD, You alone know how much this passage meant to me tonight; thank You for the example You made through Abram's life of what it means to walk in dangerous faith with You. Would You please forgive my shortsightedness? I sometimes think that Christmas is about me worshipping You, only to discover that Christmas is about You. Period.
Oh, Holy One of Israel, I am grateful that with the glorious sacrifice came a powerful invitation to walk with You into No-Eye-Has-Seen-Nor-Ear-Has-Heard territory. Let me never mistake that invitation for anything else than what it is -- You do not need me. You do NOT need me. You want me, You pursue me, You pour out Yourself that I may live with You forever, but it is not because You need me.
May I stand in awe over Your manger, once again, remembering that You didn't have to be there in the first place.
|
• Comments
(0) • Post A Comment! •
Permanent Link
|
December 2, 2006
Reflecting
My husband is in Singapore right now. He's worshipping right now, to be precise. He's 13 hours ahead of us, so he's gathering in fellowship & praise. I'm so excited for him because the whole group is serving with a church there for the next week. It's so exciting to hear all that God is doing in and through them; D's been able to call each day so far, and that's kept us up to date and feeling more involved.
My daughter is simultaneously cracking me up in the laughing sense and in the hug-me-jacket sense; she's decided that she doesn't really like sleep, it is apparantly overrated when you're 4, so she gets up in the middle of the night to talk to me. Seriously. It's like the worst form of retribution imaginable. All these years of personal verbosity have now spilled over into a generational revenge. I promise you, my sweet Mama is somewhere in Heaven clapping her hands and laughing out loud that I have given birth to one who might actually out talk ME. (And LORD, would you please tell my Mama that it is NOT FUNNY!)
LittleBit has been doing this for about 3 weeks now; not every night, but quite a few each week it seems. The night D left, she got up and wanted to know why my bathroom light was still on (hey, I like a nightlight, too!), last night she tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Mommy, are you still sleeping?" Ummm... well.... not now, I guess.... but I'd like to be!
Fortunately my son sleeps like I do -- point him to a bed (shoot, point him to something relatively horizontal), tell him goodnight, cut out all the lights, and LEAVE HIM ALONE. He can go to sleep in most any level chaos and prefers to wake up very, very slowly. This Thanksgiving, his cousins did test the boundaries of his sleep prowess; he was exhausted, hauled himself onto our bed, collapsed in a heap, and told me goodnight. The other little ones couldn't keep themselves out of the room long enough for him to conk out, so I went in to lay down with him and provide proper door policing. Then the little ones began making so much clatter in the next room that his eyes would fly open, completely glazed over and then slink back to bottom lids, only to be jolted open with the next wave of auditory abuse. He finally took my face in my hands and groggily said, "Mommy, tell them to STOP!"
I had to hold it together long enough to kiss his forehead and bolt out the door to do his bidding, then I laughed 'til I cried -- so did my Mom-in-law! Ah, that's my boy -- sleep is a priority!
You know, I love all this; the joys of having two completely different children, both of whom reflect distinct imprints of their mother and father. And it has helped give me some perspective on how we all fit together in the Body of Christ. As Beth Moore puts it in Breaking Free, "Once we fall in love with Christ, we are so taken with His beauty, we want children who look just like Him."
Don't we all LONG for this??? Children who look EXACTLY like their Heavenly Father?
I know I do! And while, in the context in which she wrote it, Mrs. Moore was speaking specifically to our "spiritual offspring" -- those falling into our realm of the "go and make disciples" command -- I'm at a place in life where my soul's desire is that my children be my primary discipleship assignment. God forbid that I fail to invite others to His table, that I lose the opportunities to help younger women learn how to walk out the easy yoke; but I would be worse than an infidel if I didn't see LittleBit, IttyBitty, and any others we're blessed with as just as in need of a Savior and just as hungry for His Word.
With that in mind, I'm trying to figure out exactly what elements of Him will each of them predominantly reflect -- will she continue to have His heart of mercy and compassion to the level she does now? Will he continue to grown in strength and wisdom this way? How do I -- as we're trying desperately to do an entire 2 weeks worth of grocery shopping at lunch time -- exemplify the patience, joy, determination, perseverance, and faith of Christ? How do I explain why waxing God's Truck (the Suburban He gave us; I'll explain another time) is an act of thanksgiving to Him and even worship? How do I do more than "survive" until D gets home so that they each grow to understand that truly, His commands are NOT burdensome?
See, people tell me all the time, "oh! she's just like you!" because LittleBit talks a lot -- A LOT! -- to anyone who will listen. She rarely meets a stranger and she's bothered by anyone who seems lonely. She reaches out to babies and smaller children and tries to involve them in play or provide for their care (this is not always expeditious as we're trying to get from the front of the children's Sunday School area where the infants are all the way back to her class). LittleBit loves to "act grown" and talk on the phone and tell her Daddy, "I just need this and then I promise I'm done." Girl sounds jus' like her Mama!
But it's "like" her Mama; she's NOT her Mama. And that's a good thing.
However, when it comes to her Heavenly Father, I see Him in her -- I see the mercy of Christ as she waves and calls to old ladies huddled intently over grocery carts in the store; His "come unto Me" as she coos and pats little hands and feet and says, "Isn't she so CUTE-EE?" while the infant is wailing in carseat, wriggling to be elsewhere. I see His unmerited favor as she runs after the very little girls in her class that rarely run after her. And I'm breathless with wonder at His compassion as she hands me her coat at pick up time and says, "Hold on jus' one minute, Mommy!" and hugs each child remaining in her class because, "I don't want them to be sad their Mommy isn't here yet."
Yes, there are lots of things she's seen me do, some she has an in-born natural proclivity to; but there's lots of things that only HE can produce; fingerprints only He could leave on a tiny soul.
My job is just not to smear them.
Some days, that's not an easy task. When D's gone, I struggle not to be the overly critical, intensely purposed Mommy-in-overdrive. What God plants in my children's hearts, they have to see lived out in me; I'm the most obvious example to them of what it means to love Him (that, and they hear me talk about it all the time). What they hear in the depths of their little hearts, what settles in as they hear and hide His Word, that precious faith is best concreted by a Mommy who loves it enough to live it too.
And part of living it is understanding that just as my children both reflect very defining elements of my personality, neither reflects all of me at one time nor do they each reflect in the same way. So it is with my brothers and sisters in the Body of Christ.
So it is with my husband, my family, my closest friends, my church family, my acquaintances, my colleagues, etc.
Paul said it -- there are many different parts, but only one Head.
Not to change from Scripture, but I think of it as all of us in a prism. The LORD is the prism -- without Him, it doesn't exist, and by & through Him, all of us hold together and have our being.
But each facet of a prism can reflect a different color of light.
You and I could be sitting next to each other in the prism and you could reflect a brilliant blue and I display a vibrant green. You and I could be sitting next to each other in church and you reflect Him in skillfull service and I display the hand of mercy.
We're both equal in value and responsibility and necessity in the Body.
We're just shining forth a different beam of Light.
(ok, that sounded uber cheesy... sorry)
I have to remember that nobody has to do it like me in order to do it right. (Why is that so hard to remember???) And my little ones need to see me cherishing those differences in order that they may cherish them too. Frankly, they need to see me cherishing those differences so that they know I will cherish their differences; I didn't get that growing up -- sorry, Mama -- and I've just now at 30-something broken free of the "we always save the grocery bags" thing (don't ask about how many others exist... there's much guilt to be assuaged in leaving our well-meant legalism behind).
So tonight, LittleBit has already been up once. She's cried and said she didn't want to dream (no matter how big a control freak I've ever been, chalk that up to one area I've yet to control in my quest to conquer the world). It's midnight. IttyBitty is so sound asleep, he didn't flinch or even sigh as she had her meltdown.
I cherish that my daughter longs to interact -- all the time. I cherish that my baby boy savors his rest.
And I doubly cherish that I have a Heavenly Father who delights in each way His children reflect Him and considers each to be precious in His sight.
Father, I don't understand You, but I love You. I'm not ashamed, here in the vast expanse of cyberspace, to pray that You will meet my baby girl where she needs You most -- we've prayed and prayed 2 Timothy 1:7, and I just don't know what to do from here. Forgive my selfish heart for so desperately wanting peace and rest; for feeling that I "deserve" it. And Father, You give richly to all, so I come once more to beg You for wisdom and mercy to know which way to go with her in this and how to lovingly attend to her needs.
And Father, THANK YOU that I'm not "right." Thank You that each of us can have a different calling in You and each be the delight of Your eye! What an immeasurable gift!!! Thank You that when You look at me, You see Your Son. Just as we see through a glass darkly and will someday see face to face, LORD, I'm asking that You continue to grow me so that You won't see Jesus through me darkly, but rather, face to face. It isn't easy, LORD; it's much easier to pray for revival -- to say the words, feel the stirring -- than it is to obey into the Promised Land. Please healeth Thou mine unbelief and grant me a strength that is not my own to walk in Your ways and teach these things to my children that (should You tarry long) they, my grand-children, and my great-grandchildren to a thousand generations will walk in them and love You more.
Ah, Jesus... how sweet You are! Thank You for... You.
Amen!
|
• Comments
(2) • Post A Comment! •
Permanent Link
|
December 1, 2006
Me in a list
You know what I've discovered?
I'm still not the cool kid.
Most things I try, need trying again.
I am so highly relational that 99% of all I do is done better talking on the phone.
My feelings aren't worn on my sleeve, they might actually be knitted into it.
I am not naturally organized.
I am naturally messy.
My desire to sleep late is virtually unaffected by an earlier bedtime.
I want to lose weight.
I want to exercise nada.
I like to eat.
The job I *thought* God was calling me to is not the job I have.
I may never have my *but I thought* job.
There are people in my life who make me very insecure.
I'm obnoxious and talkative when frightened.
I get scared easily.
Please note length of list.
My relationship with certain family members is not what it should be.
Certain family members means my dad.
My children are my greatest joy and my greatest weakness.
I need Cliff Notes on patience.
I don't want to work out my salvation with fear and trembling (especially in regards to gaining patience)
I prefer no work out at all.
Trying to mail a package to Indonesia will teach patience.
3 and 4 year olds can be convinced that they are picnicing in a UPS store for an hour.
Mailing a package to Indonesia takes about and hour and a half.
3 and 4 year olds have a way of producing fear and trembling.
I learned a lot about patience today.
Something really scary happened to our family over Thanksgiving.
I keep snatching it back off the altar.
It really is over.
I tend to hang onto things too long.
I have emotional and material baggage.
Refer to I am naturally messy.
There are several people I've lost that I miss sorely.
Many times I try to "shove" others into their place.
People don't do well when shoved.
The only persons' approval I really, really want I will probably never receive.
The way I want to see myself is likely an unattainable goal.
I am a perfectionist.
I tend to feel frustrated a good bit of the time.
I am married to a man with a pure spiritual gift of faith.
We tend to feel frustrated with each other at times.
My children have the spiritual gifts of faith and service.
I have other gifts and pray longer to have my family's level of faith.
God hears a lot about my frustrations.
I do a lot of talking to God.
I don't do as much listening to God.
Were He not God, He would probably feel frustrated with me a good bit of the time.
I don't always like who I am.
I'm not who I thought I was.
It doesn't matter what I think anyway.
Why? Because I have learned that
Forgetting what is behind, I can push forward to the goals He has set for me.
The LORD will fulfill His purpose for my life.
I only see through a mirror darkly; one day I will see face to face.
I hate mirrors.
I love the faces of loved ones.
I was born for a different world.
There is no height, nor depth, no principality, no darkness, no famine, persecution, sword, not anything in creation that could remove His love for me.
I am stunned silent by this thought.
Nothing is impossible with the God I serve.
Instantaneous, miraculous weight loss is unlikely.
I might keep praying.
He will likely keep laughing.
He and I get along well.
I have been given everything I need for life and godliness.
That is, for my life.
Not someone else's life.
I have my daily bread, from His hand, with His blessing.
I'm to share the Love, not the Lesson.
There's no obstacle I'm quaking over that He can't see past.
That sounds trite.
It makes me feel better.
He knows the end from the beginning.
Amen.
I know Who I believe, and I'm convinced He is able to keep all that I commit to Him against that day.
I look forward to that day.
I'd prefer it wait until my husband is home.
I miss D, sorely.
He is doing what the LORD has called him to do.
There is peace in the midst of His will; He promises.
Peace -- not silence.
Peace -- not stillness.
Peace -- not solitude.
The LORD looks with compassion at my ruins, and He will make the deserts in my soul like springs of water, "Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing."
The LORD is my Rock and my salvation, of whom shall I be afraid?
I am accepted in the Beloved.
That's more important that "their" acceptance.
I find healing in that.
He has hidden me in the clefts of the Rock.
I am hidden in Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me.
The life I live here, in my body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loves me and gave Himself for me.
It feels good when I take care of this body.
My relationship with Him is by the gift of faith, not of works, I will never be able to boast.
But if I do boast, may it only be in the LORD Jesus Christ, my salvation.
I will boast -- not about Him -- left to my own devices.
He never leaves me or forsakes me.
I don't do as much boasting anymore.
We are more than conquerors through Him who loves us.
We have been given exceedingly, abundantly beyond all we could ask or imagine.
We are a thankful family.
My mouth will pour forth His praise.
Blessing and cursing cannot come from the same place.
My motivation for a God-honoring mouth isn't a "Don't do" list.
My motivation is a "He has done" list.
It's easier to be a clean-ie with this list.
Behold! He is doing a new thing in me! Old things have passed away, all things have become new.
Changed from Glory to Glory I am.
One little bit at a time.
I will never battle the stronghold of laziness or messiness the way I did before Thanksgiving.
There is praise to be given to Him for the subtle -- and not so subtle -- ways He is changing me.
Said changes may not result in *but I thought* jobs.
Said changes will result in new opportunities.
No eye has seen nor ear has heard nor mind has conceived of what He has prepared for those who love Him.
He has good works planned -- in advance -- for us to do.
This includes mailing certain packages to Indonesia.
He doesn't just prepare for the cool kids.
He doesn't care how many friends I have.
He does long to fill my cup with good things that I may pour it out again.
I'm ready to be a pitcher, not a vase.
I'm not who I thought I was -- "I'm not who I'm going to be, but thank God I'm not what I was either."
There is freedom in Christ.
Oh LORD, such tremendous freedom!
Thank You, I am humbled...
Amen
|
• Comments
(2) • Post A Comment! •
Permanent Link
|
November 27, 2006
Dusting off cobwebs and hanging up lights
Sitting down to write feels like the eye-rubbing, focus straining, yawning wake from a long nap...
As you well know, I haven't actually been Sleeping Beauty all these weeks (with LittleBit and IttyBitty on the loose, I'm more likely Nancy Narcoleptic). It's been a really good few weeks; we've had a lot going on, but it's been good.
The highlights --
Thanksgiving was at our house this year, so we had a housefull! It was really good even if for some reason my paper thin potatoes and baby carrots refused to get soft -- I'm from the South: on big occasions, everything is covered in cream sauce and nothing should crunch but the pecans on the pie. And maybe a cookie in the afternoon. Oh well... everyone still ate the au gratin potatoes and the glazed carrots, so I think it might have been all about humility.
I am very, VERY proud to report that my house was DONE for the holiday! That's right -- every room picked up and organized the way I wanted it, both the living room and the downstairs family room completely accessible and useful -- it was truly an answer to prayer! I loved feeling like I had NOTHING to make excuses for or be uncomfortable over. May I confess that I have never felt this way before??? It was great!
Darren and the other guys took the little ones to the Christmas tree farm nearby and they came home with a beautiful 10 footer that is gracing our dining room and perfuming the rest of our house. It is an amazing tree! He also found a 4 footer for our children to decorate that we put downstairs in the family room. It looks so cute with flashing colored lights and tons of balls all clumped together and glittering gold tinsel everywhere! We're planning to get all our stuff and decorate the big tree soon; I can't wait to see it all done up and shining in the window!
Ok... so my nap is over; it's good to be writing again! Maybe tomorrow I'll even write about something substantial! :)
|
• Comments
(3) • Post A Comment! •
Permanent Link
|
November 5, 2006
At 4pm today, we sat huddling on bleachers watching our football team.
They were crying.
We were crying.
No championship, no great win.
An untimely loss.
We paid tribute to a 16 year old who had everything to live for, who'd been given a clean bill of health on Monday and went Home to Jesus in the early morning hours Thursday.
It is devastating.
This tiny school, made up of homeschooling families of all walks of life and all reasons for being there, has suffered 6 great losses in 5 years.
I have no response for all this. No answers, not even prayers, just tears and "let my words be few."
My heart has been so heavy for about a week now; this student's death and the raw hurts of his classmates, teachers, staff -- our whole little homeschooling family -- comes at a time when I'm already "feeling weak" though "walking strong."
But it's so, so hard not to live by my feelings.
What broke my heart the most was seeing my dear friends on that field, sitting with the team and the family, having lost their own son to senseless violence less than four months ago. Amazing people with a God-given strength to stand in the midst of their own pain and tragedy.
Lord, You are worthy to be praised! You are holy and sovereign, You are our very great reward. You know the end from the beginning, and You are precious Abba holding us close. Please dry this family's tears; please comfort our students and answer their questions with the peace and reality of Your presence. Please heal the hearts of the staff who long to be strength for these students but ache on their own as well. Please be so close to his friends, his parents, his brothers and sisters. Truly, Your ways are higher than ours and You are the Author and Perfector of our faith, and our lives. Jesus, once again, I repent of my selfish doubts and desire for comfort or explanation. Please heal my unbelief. I don't have to understand the reasons, but I long to understand the Redeemer. I do love You so! And I echo the honest prayer of the Redman's:
Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out, I'll
turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out, I'll
turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out, I'll
turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I'm gonna say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord Blessed be Your name
|
• Comments
(5) • Post A Comment! •
Permanent Link
|
|
|
|
|
