My son has autism.

He was born in September, 13 yrs ago. He was our first child, & was welcomed with love & excitement. His development was awesome. He was a healthy baby, except for those horrid reactions he had to every vaccine he received. Extreme lethargy, very high fevers; I could barely wake him to nurse. I held my stricken infant for hours, rocking & rocking him, after every shot until his body recovered (to the extent he could).

I thank God I held & rocked my baby boy, because I feel sure that if I had left him in a crib in that condition he would have been another "SIDS" statistic, but it would have been the vaccines that killed him. At least he had some stimulation from me & I would rouse him every now & then to get a weakened suck out of him for some milk.

By one year old he could pick out letters of the alphabet, anywhere, no matter which one you asked him for. He could also do this for his numbers 1-10. We thought this was great, but I didn't understand how amazing that was until I had 3 more children who could not do that at all at one year old!

He was a little ham; loved the camera when it came out. His first love was books. All his books were dearly cherished by him. He would request the same book to be read several times over. He absolutely loved us reading to him.

He was a cuddler. He was a very loving, sweet, baby boy. He interacted with us, he pointed to show us what he wanted. He was pre-verbal.

At 15 months old he received the MMR. It was the only shot I was late taking him for. I had doubts. I was worried about the reactions he had been having. I had been hearing about vaccinations being injurous to many children. I didn't quite know what to do. Then I talked to his pediatrician.

He told me his reactions were "normal". He said the benefits outweighed the risks & the vaccines were worth it. What I found out later is during the times he had those high fevers & lethargy his brain was swelling. It was not "normal".

Now I can also say, it was not "worth it".

Very shortly after the inevitable sickness that came after the shot, he became more ill with a "routine" virus. Then he began to withdraw into himself. He was not outgoing anymore; he was happy to be alone. He did not point to things he wanted. He loved to lay on the floor & stare at his hand.

By the time he was two years old, he gave up something he dearly loved. He stopped asking us to read to him. He would not sit for book reading anymore.

My heart died when I heard autism. There's a piece of my heart that died & will never come back. He's also made my heart fuller then ever before.

I figured out years later what was plaguing me for so long. For so many years I was grieving. I probably still am going through the process, but am further along now.

My son didn't die in the literal sense. He's with us thank God. But the boy that we had died & became someone else. Someone with autism. We lost him & who he was. I knew we may never get him back. So I was grieving.

This is normal. I hadn't realized I needed to grieve like that. I wish someone had been there to give me a shoulder, tell me that it was okay to feel that way. I wish there had been someone to understand the pain & sorrow.

But Someone was there. He was there all along, but I only started to notice Him when my son was about 5 years old.

He's been my shoulder to cry on, my lap to sit on, my comfort during the many difficult & dark times, my sustainer through it all, my friend, & my healer.

My Lord & Savior.

He's also my son's Lord & Savior. He knows my son; He knew him long before I did. He knows my son's future, & my future. He holds the world in His very capable hands.

He's pulled me up from the pit many times, & will do so many more times I'm sure.

My son may not know or understand. He knows a lot & understands a lot, but because he is completely non verbal he is unable to tell me. He's one of the "innocents", & He is in the palm of His hand.

There is no autism in heaven. There is no pain, suffering, or grief. I know that even if this world holds him hostage to his autism, is unkind or cruel, is a lonely or uncaring place for him, is a place he will never feel comfortable or "normal" in, there is much better for him someday. Much better for us all who love Him.

In the meantime He sustains us. He sustains me & my son. He helps us through our days. Helps us with our therapies. Helps us with basic things that are easy for others; that most people don't have to think about doing but we struggle with. He understands the challenges & He cares.

We don't watch the videos of my son as a baby. It is too painful. Pictures bring back memories. Memories of before autism.

Jeremiah 29:11 - “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

We face the future, one day at a time.

Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

My son is smart. He knows more then we can tell. He understands more then he lets us know. He is capable; he can learn & he is learning.

My son is a beautiful child. He has a great smile. He has good eye contact. He loves us, he hugs us; he shows his love in the ways that he can. And when he does it is genuine.

The world is a confusing place for him. He does what he can to feel safe in it. We'll do what we can to keep him safe in it.

My son is loved. We love him & His Savior loves him, more then we ever can. My son will be okay.

My son is precious; my son has autism.