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Aug. 4, 2009
What He Must Be...if He Wants to Marry My Daughter
Is that a catchy title, or what? My interest was piqued as I received a free copy of this book in the mail to review for Crossway Books. After all, I have two daughters, and as they are now pre-teens, I'm becoming more and more interested in this subject!
      
What He Must Be...If He Wants to Marry My Daughter is written by Voddie Baucham, Jr., a pastor of Grace Family Baptist Church in Spring, Texas. For those who homeschool, he is also a popular nationally-known speaker who often speaks at homeschooling conferences around the United States. My husband and I were thrilled to be able to hear him speak in June 2008 at our state's annual homeschooling conference.
(For those of you who are not interested in homeschooling, this book does not address or mention homeschooling at all, nor does it address arranged marriages or keeping your adult children in your household until they are either married or elderly!)
Baucham describes the purpose of his book (besides what is so clearly stated in his title) in his introduction:
1. I want to lay out a clear, balanced, realistic, biblical picture of what moms and dads should be looking for on behalf of their daughters and seeking to produce in their sons (p. 9).
2. In addition, I want to provide a road map for men who have a desire to lead their families biblically but simply do not know how.
For those of you who are wondering, Baucham does NOT encourage parents to pick out a future spouse for their children and then just have their adult children merely "sign on the dotted line."
But, he is definitely NOT advocating the current dating philosophy that is being used constantly by single people these days, both in and out of the church.
He advocates courtship, instead of dating.
I love Baucham's philosophy of courtship because it brings it all to a much higher purpose, which is marriage. If you're not familiar with what courtship is, I highly recommend you read his book, whether you are a follower of Jesus Christ or not.
This quote from page 110 is great:
"My eighteen-year-old daughter has never been on a date with a boy (unless you count going places with her father). She has never had a boyfriend. She has never held hands with or been kissed by a young man. That means she has also never stayed up all night crying her eyes out because some boy broke up with her. She has never had to ask, "How far is too far?" She has never been on suicide watch because the man she loved was out with another girl. She has saved her heart - her whole heart - for the man whom she intends to marry. She is not looking for a young man who has been in the equivalent of two, three, or twelve mini-marriages. Any young man who is interested in her must understand the importance of guarding his heart and hers."
Personally, I have always loved the concept of saving your whole heart for the person you will marry some day. Unfortunately, I wasn't taught this when I was a teen. While I only had two short-term boyfriends right after graduating from high school and didn't give myself away to them, and I chose to break up with them after about three months of dating, I wish that I hadn't even chosen to date them. After all, I knew right from the start that these were not men whom I would want to marry. So why invest time in a relationship if I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere (or shouldn't)?
After ending my college freshman year boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, I spent the next 7 years not dating a single person. Although I longed to be married, I was determined to not just go out with guys because everyone else was. I didn't want to invest time in dating someone I wasn't planning or hoping to marry. So, I remained "dateless" but was so busy teaching full time in an elementary school that I barely had time to notice. (I have to add that at the church I attended, there were only a few single young men, and they either didn't appeal to me because of character issues, or they were interested in other gals...so the playing field from which to choose was pretty slim!)
That ended up being a blessing in disguise, although at the time I did wonder if I would remain single forever.
Then, I met Elmer through an older, mutual friend. Our first few dates were chaperoned by an older friend of ours. Not that we needed that, but the three of us were very close friends, and we just decided to take off the uncomfortable edge of newly dating by asking her to come along with us. I'm very thankful that we did!
Then, right away, I took him to meet my parents. They watched him carefully, asked him lots of questions over a long dinner, and later told me that they approved of me dating him. While you may think this is terribly old fashioned, I would not have continued this relationship with Elmer had they not had an overall good impression of him. My parents know me better than anyone, and they knew the type of man I was looking for in a husband. I was 25 years old, and while this isn't considered "old maid" in most locations, it was definitely getting "up there" in years in the community where I lived.
If they had red flags go up in their minds, I wanted to know. I didn't want to end up being a statistic.
In What He Must Be...if He Wants to Marry My Daughter, Baucham doesn't provide a "checklist" of characteristics for men in a checklist-type of way. He spends most of the book looking at what the Holy Scriptures say about marriage, courtship, and dating. He does cover five major characteristics of what a man should be like, though, and these are very good.
He discusses MULTI-GENERATIONAL VISION, which is having a very long-term perspective on the goals a person has for marriage, in choosing a mate, and in staying married even when the times get tough.
Baucham places marriage in the "ministry" category instead of just another relationship we have during our days here on life. I wholeheartedly agree with this: marriage is the most challenging relationship we will have in our adults years, with parenting being the second most challenging set of relationships in our lives. If we view our marriage as a ministry to our spouse, it removes the selfish goals and ambitions that so often conflict with our spouse.
"A Father's Role", chapter 3 in this book, reaches to the heart of dads and encourages them to step up to the plate and become involved in their children's lives, especially when it comes to dating, courtship, and marriage.
(from page 49): "Unfortunately, most of us treat the search for a spouse...[as a person treats his search for a house to buy.] We prefer to just ride around for a while until something catches our fancy. Similarly, we raise our children with vague expectations and expect them to somehow muddle through and find an acceptable suitor. However, without clear parameters, they are destined to make choices based on the popular adage, 'Just follow your heart.' The only problem with that is, 'The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?' (Jeremiah 17:9). We must find a better way. We must commit ourselves to preparing our children to find suitable mates without relying on the pagan, relativistic mythology that dominates our day. Divorce courts are filled with people who 'followed their hearts' and married Mr. or Mrs. Right. There has to be a better way."
Next, Baucham spends a lot of time covering the five major characteristics he wants to see in any suitor coming his daughter's way:
1. He must be a follower of Christ (and not just wishy-washy, but instead a full follower of the Lord)
2. He must be prepared to lead.
3. He must lead like Christ (Ephesians 5).
4. He must be committed to children.
5. He must practice the 4 P's: Protector, Provider, Prophet, Priest.
If that list scares you to death, Baucham is providing a list of ideals, goals for young men - and older men as well.
He realizes that in today's world, most young men are not going to match up in all of these categories.
He admits that the playing field is going to be limited.
And, importantly, he addresses what fathers and men in the church should do about this, and how to increase the "marriage-ability" of young men today.
This is really, really great stuff.
Most of this book is spent convincing parents about the need for courtship instead of dating, and explaining the goals we should have for young men. Elmer and I began talking about courtship vs. dating with our girls a few years ago, because we knew that if we waited until they were in their teens, they may not buy in to this philosophy.
If you already strongly believe in courtship, you will still find some very practical explanations of how courtship works and what it looks like.
Baucham also echoes the fear that many God-loving parents Elmer and I know share:
"I was again struck with fear. I thought about the thousands of young men in our society who have been raised amidst a culture of weak, godless, unsure, lazy, feminized men. I thought about the epidemic of fatherlessness and the resulting dearth of truly mature, godly, manly young men. Not macho men who beat their chests and howl at the moon. I'm talking about real men. I'm talking about men who understand their role in the home, in the church, and in the world. I'm talking about men who haven't been desensitized by violence or emasculated by overprotective mothers. To whom will I give my daughter if young men no longer know what the word man means?"
The last part of this book addresses something that I've been uncomfortable with for years: don't send a woman to do a man's job:
"Our children are becoming serial monogamists who give themselves away over and over again to unworthy candidates who break their hearts, scar their psyches, and often cause them to sin against God. Something simply has to give." (pg. 161)
The divorce rate both in the church and out of the church is shocking these days. Why do fathers only have a say when the young couple - who may have been dating for over a year already while away at college - comes to ask his approval for marriage? Why are fathers and mothers not more deeply involved in this process from the beginning?
I am so thankful that I had the insight to introduce Elmer to my parents very early on in our courtship. I just wish I had introduced them to each other before we even went out together one time. Then, it would have been "true" courtship! 
In the last chapter of What He Must Be...if He Wants to Marry My Daughter, Baucham spends quite a bit of time explaining some excellent options of how to work with young men who may "come a' courtin'" but aren't really ready for marriage. He shows fathers how to mentor young men and bring them up to the standard. In my opinion, any young man who is willing to be mentored by a possible future father-in-law is placing himself high up the ladder to marry that man's daughter!
I'll finish this review with one other quote that I especially liked in this book. However, it isn't a quote from Voddie Baucham. You'll recognize the author!
"I have brought up a daughter with great expense and effort, care and peril, diligence and labor, and for many years I have ventured my entire life, my person and possessions, in the undertaking...And now she is not to be better protected for me than my cow, lost in the woods, which any wolf may devour? Who would approve of this? Likewise, is my child to stand there free for all, so that any knave, unknown to me, or perhaps even a former enemy of mine, has the power and the unlimited opportunity secretly to steal her from me and take her away without my knowledge and will? There certainly is no one who would want to let his money and goods stand open to the public in this way, so that they may be taken by the first comer. But now the knave takes not only my money and goods, but my child whom I have brought up with painful care; and with my daughter he gets my goods and money besides. And so I must reward him for the grief and harm he has caused me and must let him be the heir of the possessions I have acquired with pains and labor. Surely, this is rewarding wickedness with honor; this is inviting grief and injury." ~ Martin Luther
The process of courtship should be a partnership, not arranged by parents, but a partnership between the parents and their children, and Voddie Baucham teaches this well in his new book.
Recently, some friends of ours had their 18-year-old daughter go through the process of courtship like Baucham encourages. The young man came to the family from the beginning, and asked permission from the father to court the daughter. The parents were involved right from the beginning, and the purpose of the courtship was to lead to marriage. It wasn't to have a short-term fling or to "hook up", which is a scary concept to me. Blessings to those who follow the biblical plan for courtship in their lives!
I highly recommend What He Must Be...if He Wants to Marry My Daughter. It is a very useful book for sons and daughters to read or go through with their parents, and for parents to read whether they only have sons or daughters, or both.
© 2009 by Julieanne Miller
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May. 15, 2009
What Does the Bible Say About That?
Crossway Books & Bibles recently published a new Bible devotional book for children ages 8-12, written by Carolyn Larsen and illustrated by Rick Incrocci.
Our family received this book from Crossway Books & Bibles in order to share a review with you all.
Are children in your family struggling with jealousy, gossip, or fairness? How about repentance, laziness, or hatred? How about 300 common character flaws or issues that we all struggle with, no matter what our ages?
What Does the Bible Say About That? may be specifically written for children ages 8-12, but this book is an excellent tool for using with the entire family for Bible devotional times together.
How can this book make a difference for your family?
There are many family Bible resources out on the market right now - you may have a shelf full of them! Very few, however, are written to be used like how this book may be effectively used in your home.
The 300 character issues and traits which are addressed in this book are found in alphabetical order, which makes it simple for Dad to consider the main struggle his children are having, and for finding a devotional for the evening that addresses this problem.
For example, let's say that Dad comes home from work, and Mom greets him at the door. By the time dinner is finished, Dad realizes that the #1 struggle the kids were having that day was dealing with fairness.
That evening, as they all snuggle on the couch or sit on the floor together, Dad can easily pull out What Does the Bible Say About That? along with a Bible, and he can quickly flip to the page in this book that addresses fairness.
If you'd like to take a look at one of the pages in this book, you may look here: Crossway Book Blogs . To look at additional books presented by Crossway Books & Bibles, you may also check this site out: Crossway's Blog .
Tell me more about the author, Carolyn Larsen...
Carolyn Larsen has written more than forty books for children and adults, including Crossway's The Toddler's ABC Bible Storybook and The Toddler's 1-2-3 Bible Storybook. A mother of three whose humor and understanding of kids combines so well with her vast experience in writing on biblical topics, she is best known as the author of the Little Girls Bible Storybook line, which has sold more than 1 million copies.
What inspired you to write What Does the Bible Say About That?
Carolyn: We raised three children and I've been involved with a team comprised of young people for over twenty years. I often heard confusion from the children as to how the Bible relates to "real life." It's easy to put God and the Bible in the context of church, youth group, and ministry situations. But, I thought it would be practical to choose some everyday life topics and show how the Bible speaks to those. I believe this book will help kids see that God cares about the day in and day out struggles of life.
What do you hope kids will feel, believe, and do after reading this book?
Carolyn: My hope is always that the books I write will speak to kids' hearts. I hope they will feel and believe that God loves them so very much - whether they make mistakes, make bad choices, or struggle with the same temptations day after day. I hope they will turn to the Bible to see how God can guide them, strengthen them, and teach them to learn His standards and goals for their lives.
How will this book benefit parents?
Carolyn: I hope this book will be a resource for parents to turn to and quickly find Scripture passages that will assist them as they work through issues and struggles with their children. Someone told me once that a parent is only as happy as his or her unhappiest child. In other words, we hurt when our kids hurt. My prayer is that this book will help parents come alongside their chidlren to encourage, motivate, teach, and strengthen kids' faith walk.
What topics in this book would have been a resource for you as a parent?
Carolyn: Well, my kids were great (are great!). But, believe it or not, the topics I might have found most helpful are the ones that in some ways I struggle with myself or the topics that every kid sometimes resists...things like homework, stubbornness, abilities, and acceptance. As kids head into the middle school years, those topics seem to come to the forefront.
What sets this book apart?
Carolyn: I know there are a lot of great devotional books out there for kids, and I truly believe that all of us must work together to help kids grow into young men and women who follow the Lord. That said, I think the great thing about this book is that it addresses everyday topics kids struggle with, gives a short devotional thought, Scriptures that address the topic, and an action point for the reader to work on.
What did you enjoy most about writing this book?
Carolyn: I always consider it both a privilege and a responsibility to write Bible storybooks and devotionals. I pray that God will use these tools to draw the reader closer to Himself. With this book, I enjoyed thinking through some of the struggles kids have (and let's be honest - struggles that adults still face from time to time). It was a blessing to me to research Scripture and be reminded of God's care and involvement in my life - every moment, in every situation. I was reminded once again to stay in His Word and to have quiet times before Him when I can hear His voice.
I really pray that the section (on each page of this devotional) "Today I will..." is a practical point of action. I pray that the immediacy of it will give kids a chance to put into practice what they have just read and begin to see how obeying God's Word makes a difference in their lives right away.
What was my family's "take" on this book?
I (Julieanne) really like the way the topics throughout this book are presented alphabetically. This gives parents two options: they can read the book straight through with their children, from cover to cover, or they can choose topics which they are finding more prevalent problems or issues in their home. It's always nice to have options like this! Also, children can use this devotional guide as a tool during their own private time with the Lord each day.
My children, though only ages 9 and 11, were hoping for some more meatier devotional readings. I really appreciated the fact that usually three different Scripture readings were included in each topic's page, but they were short passages. One of my girls also commented that a few topics didn't seem to address the seriousness of getting involved in that particular sin (for example, witchcraft and unmarried sex). When I looked at those devotional pages with her, I was disappointed to see that a very important verse from the Old Testament was left out of the witchcraft page. I strongly believe that Deuteronomy 18:10-13 should have been included:
"Let no one be found among you who...practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead. Anyone who does these things is destestable to the LORD, and because of these detestable practices the LORD your God will drive out those nations before you. You must be blameless before the LORD your God."
Instead, the author chose to include three verses (Philippians 1:9-11; Philippians 4:8, and James 3:17) that describe the positive and godly things we ARE to think about. While I love these verses, and they remind me regularly to avoid negative and godless thinking, I think that some verses that specifically addressed witchcraft would have been more appropriate to also include.
And, since the topic of sex is handled so differently from family to family, I think it would have been more appropriate to leave that discussion out of this book. Fortunately, the author never defines "sex" on the page dedicated to talking about what the Bible says about sex. In fact, the author is vague enough that if a child did not know what this word meant, he or she could read this page and still not have a clue what the author is talking about. A parent who likes this book but wants a page or two removed can easily do that if it would make him or her more comfortable.
Maybe because my husband and I have chosen to educate our children with a classical, Christian format, they are just used to more in-depth study of the Bible. I don't know. They liked the book, but they were asking for more depth than what this book has to offer my own children. However, I would say that the typical 8-12 year old would find these readings faith-strengthening for personal or family Bible times.
We have used another source for character trait issues in our family, and it provides a very in-depth look at the specific trait that is being studied. But What Does the Bible Say About That? is a great start for families who are not used to having Bible times together, or for encouraging your children who are not used to having their own personal Bible time alone.
The #1 feature of this book that I really like is that it helps transition children from the "Top 40" Bible stories they have heard a million-and-one times at Sunday School, to realizing that the Bible not only relates true stories, but also is THE Book to guide us in our daily walk with the Lord.
Julieanne
Copyright © 2009 by Julieanne Miller
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May. 2, 2009
Helpful Tips on Family Worship together
Scriptures command fathers to be leading their families in family worship time together, to instruct and guide their families in the ways of the Lord.
Many fathers find this a daunting task. So, many mothers assume this responsibility for the family, and lead family worship. Is this biblical? Who is showing headship in the family when this happens?
I won't get into an argument about this here. Use biblical discernment and specific Scripture verses to answer this question for your own family.
I have strong leadership skills, an elementary education teaching degree and experience, and LOVE doing Bible time with our children! I realized pretty quickly when "Anne" and "Rose" were very young that I had the strong urge to lead family Bible/worship time for our family. But....I knew that this wasn't biblical and that my husband should be leading our family in this way.
I prayed.
A bunch.
And the Lord showed me in His perfect way that as my husband's helper, I could help him be successful with our family Bible times without me being in charge.
Here is what we decided to do
I just love the way the Lord leads us when we are fully relying on Him! I asked my husband if he would like me to come up with a few age-appropriate books and devotional materials we could use with our children, and an age-appropriate Bible for them, so he could choose what he wanted to use with them. He really liked that idea, so that was what we did. I found a wonderful children's story Bible by Catherine Voss, that was true to Scripture and theology, wasn't filled with irreverant drawings and paintings, and a NIV-Revised Bible for each of the girls.
This wonderful, biblical story Bible is available from ChristianBook.com for around $13. Our family spent two years reading through this delightful book that is written for children ages 4-12. My husband and I learned a lot from this Bible, as it is not "dumbed down" like most children's story Bibles; it was interesting enough for us to want to read it each night, too!
My husband really enjoyed using The Child's Story Bible with all of us. It was easy, and it especially helped us to help one of our daughters to learn to settle down on the couch with us and listen quietly during worship. I highly recommend this book!
I also have to mention that after we finished our two years using this book, "Rose" (age 8 at the time) decided on her own to begin using this for her own personal Bible devotions time in the mornings before the school day began. It took her about a year to read through it. Two years later, "Anne" decided to do the same thing, and she read through it, morning by morning, on her own, for about two years. They both loved this book!
After our two years with this Story Bible flew by, it was time to choose some more materials to guide us in devotions with our girls. At our state's annual homeschooling conference, which we faithfully love to attend, he was able to select several different items to use for our family worship time. Lest you think that we totally rely on other people's writings for family worship, please know that we mainly rely on the Holy Scriptures, and use some of these other items for tools and application.
Other Suggestions
We've used several books by Helen Haidle with our girls. In particular, for several years before Resurrection Sunday, we've pulled down off the bookshelf our favorite Easter/Resurrection Sunday resource by Helen Haidle: Journey to the Cross .
Unfortunately, this book is out of print now, and while it is still available on Amazon.com, used, it is not an inexpensive book (I think used copies are selling for around $40). When we were looking at this book at the homeschool conference, Mrs. Haidle mentioned that it was selling for as high as $125 on some websites, and she recommended that if we were interested in the book for our own children, we might want to consider purchasing it from her that weekend. I am SO glad that we did! This book gives poignant insights to the crucifixion and all events leading up to that event, in such a poignant way. And instead of just having 1-2 Bible verses to read with each entry, it instead lists all portions of Scripture in the four gospels of the New Testament that contain this portion of the last week of Jesus' life and the resurrection. It was so nice to be able to read the Bible verses right along with Mrs. Haidle's writings.
If you ever see this book and would like to use a chronological study of all of the events of the last week of Jesus' life and resurrection with your family, you will want to get it!
Cookies and Milk is another Bible devotional from Helen Haidle, written for 8-12 year olds.
This family devotional book is full of faith-building, true stories about real kids and their walk with the Lord. Unlike so many Bible devotional books for adults and children, this one also includes long enough portions of Scripture to be read along with the children's story. We got tired of seeing books that would have the child read 1-2 Bible verses. We think 10-12 verses, or a chapter or two of the Bible, is much more appropriate. After all, we are discipling our children, not trying to "baby" them along in the Word. However, this hasn't been our favorite resource from Helen Haidle. While we liked it, it's more "modern" than the other books we've read together. Most families would still consider this a decent resource. I guess we just take a more classical approach to Bible devotionals, so a lot of them at the local Christian bookstore are weeded out and aren't even considered by our family.
Another book we've enjoyed together from Helen Haidle is Comfort for a Child's Heart: The 23rd Psalm and Bible Promises.
This family devotional revolves around the 23rd Psalm, and it shows us how Jesus loves us, encourages us, and takes care of us, even in the "very dark valley." It includes family activities, discussion questions, memory verses, and more. We liked this one a lot, although my children commented several times on the sheep's cute and "funny" expressions in their eyes.
Shepherd Press is a ministry that has amazing resources for the Christian family. We have read through and watched many of their suggested materials over the years.
Here is one of their suggestions for family worship time, or as a resource for Bible time during the homeschooling day, or to use to teach Sunday School or any activity where you want to firmly and responsibly teach from the Old Testament to children. We used one particular series of books with another homeschooling family one year, back when "Rose" and "Anne" were around ages 6 and 4.
Herein is Love, written by Nancy Ganz, goes through the entire Old Testament in its true stories. Currently, the Genesis title is out of print and being edited and republished, but its original version can probably be purchased elsewhere. When we used these books during one school year, they were available for Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers, I believe. You'd have to check with Shepherd Press to see their availability. Some day, when we are no longer homeschooling, if the church we attend has a Sunday School hour, I'd love to be able to teach a small group of children with these resources, as they are the best I've ever seen for the Old Testament.
Shepherd Press has a FREE family worship guide that may be downloaded from their website. I think it is very useful, especially for families who have not been able to get started with their own family Bible worship time, or have difficulty being consistent with doing this at least several times a week.
http://shepherding.typepad.com/my_weblog/files/family_worship_guide.pdf
What are your favorite tips and techniques you've used for your own family worship time together? I'd enjoy hearing them here!
Julieanne
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