Is that a catchy title, or what? My interest was piqued as I received a free copy of this book in the mail to review for Crossway Books. After all, I have two daughters, and as they are now pre-teens, I'm becoming more and more interested in this subject!
What He Must Be...If He Wants to Marry My Daughter is written by Voddie Baucham, Jr., a pastor of Grace Family Baptist Church in Spring, Texas. For those who homeschool, he is also a popular nationally-known speaker who often speaks at homeschooling conferences around the United States. My husband and I were thrilled to be able to hear him speak in June 2008 at our state's annual homeschooling conference.
(For those of you who are not interested in homeschooling, this book does not address or mention homeschooling at all, nor does it address arranged marriages or keeping your adult children in your household until they are either married or elderly!)
Baucham describes the purpose of his book (besides what is so clearly stated in his title) in his introduction:
1. I want to lay out a clear, balanced, realistic, biblical picture of what moms and dads should be looking for on behalf of their daughters and seeking to produce in their sons (p. 9).
2. In addition, I want to provide a road map for men who have a desire to lead their families biblically but simply do not know how.
For those of you who are wondering, Baucham does NOT encourage parents to pick out a future spouse for their children and then just have their adult children merely "sign on the dotted line."
But, he is definitely NOT advocating the current dating philosophy that is being used constantly by single people these days, both in and out of the church.
He advocates courtship, instead of dating.
I love Baucham's philosophy of courtship because it brings it all to a much higher purpose, which is marriage. If you're not familiar with what courtship is, I highly recommend you read his book, whether you are a follower of Jesus Christ or not.
This quote from page 110 is great:
"My eighteen-year-old daughter has never been on a date with a boy (unless you count going places with her father). She has never had a boyfriend. She has never held hands with or been kissed by a young man. That means she has also never stayed up all night crying her eyes out because some boy broke up with her. She has never had to ask, "How far is too far?" She has never been on suicide watch because the man she loved was out with another girl. She has saved her heart - her whole heart - for the man whom she intends to marry. She is not looking for a young man who has been in the equivalent of two, three, or twelve mini-marriages. Any young man who is interested in her must understand the importance of guarding his heart and hers."
Personally, I have always loved the concept of saving your whole heart for the person you will marry some day. Unfortunately, I wasn't taught this when I was a teen. While I only had two short-term boyfriends right after graduating from high school and didn't give myself away to them, and I chose to break up with them after about three months of dating, I wish that I hadn't even chosen to date them. After all, I knew right from the start that these were not men whom I would want to marry. So why invest time in a relationship if I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere (or shouldn't)?
After ending my college freshman year boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, I spent the next 7 years not dating a single person. Although I longed to be married, I was determined to not just go out with guys because everyone else was. I didn't want to invest time in dating someone I wasn't planning or hoping to marry. So, I remained "dateless" but was so busy teaching full time in an elementary school that I barely had time to notice. (I have to add that at the church I attended, there were only a few single young men, and they either didn't appeal to me because of character issues, or they were interested in other gals...so the playing field from which to choose was pretty slim!)
That ended up being a blessing in disguise, although at the time I did wonder if I would remain single forever.
Then, I met Elmer through an older, mutual friend. Our first few dates were chaperoned by an older friend of ours. Not that we needed that, but the three of us were very close friends, and we just decided to take off the uncomfortable edge of newly dating by asking her to come along with us. I'm very thankful that we did!
Then, right away, I took him to meet my parents. They watched him carefully, asked him lots of questions over a long dinner, and later told me that they approved of me dating him. While you may think this is terribly old fashioned, I would not have continued this relationship with Elmer had they not had an overall good impression of him. My parents know me better than anyone, and they knew the type of man I was looking for in a husband. I was 25 years old, and while this isn't considered "old maid" in most locations, it was definitely getting "up there" in years in the community where I lived.
If they had red flags go up in their minds, I wanted to know. I didn't want to end up being a statistic.
In What He Must Be...if He Wants to Marry My Daughter, Baucham doesn't provide a "checklist" of characteristics for men in a checklist-type of way. He spends most of the book looking at what the Holy Scriptures say about marriage, courtship, and dating. He does cover five major characteristics of what a man should be like, though, and these are very good.
He discusses MULTI-GENERATIONAL VISION, which is having a very long-term perspective on the goals a person has for marriage, in choosing a mate, and in staying married even when the times get tough.
Baucham places marriage in the "ministry" category instead of just another relationship we have during our days here on life. I wholeheartedly agree with this: marriage is the most challenging relationship we will have in our adults years, with parenting being the second most challenging set of relationships in our lives. If we view our marriage as a ministry to our spouse, it removes the selfish goals and ambitions that so often conflict with our spouse.
"A Father's Role", chapter 3 in this book, reaches to the heart of dads and encourages them to step up to the plate and become involved in their children's lives, especially when it comes to dating, courtship, and marriage.
(from page 49): "Unfortunately, most of us treat the search for a spouse...[as a person treats his search for a house to buy.] We prefer to just ride around for a while until something catches our fancy. Similarly, we raise our children with vague expectations and expect them to somehow muddle through and find an acceptable suitor. However, without clear parameters, they are destined to make choices based on the popular adage, 'Just follow your heart.' The only problem with that is, 'The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?' (Jeremiah 17:9). We must find a better way. We must commit ourselves to preparing our children to find suitable mates without relying on the pagan, relativistic mythology that dominates our day. Divorce courts are filled with people who 'followed their hearts' and married Mr. or Mrs. Right. There has to be a better way."
Next, Baucham spends a lot of time covering the five major characteristics he wants to see in any suitor coming his daughter's way:
1. He must be a follower of Christ (and not just wishy-washy, but instead a full follower of the Lord)
2. He must be prepared to lead.
3. He must lead like Christ (Ephesians 5).
4. He must be committed to children.
5. He must practice the 4 P's: Protector, Provider, Prophet, Priest.
If that list scares you to death, Baucham is providing a list of ideals, goals for young men - and older men as well.
He realizes that in today's world, most young men are not going to match up in all of these categories.
He admits that the playing field is going to be limited.
And, importantly, he addresses what fathers and men in the church should do about this, and how to increase the "marriage-ability" of young men today.
This is really, really great stuff.
Most of this book is spent convincing parents about the need for courtship instead of dating, and explaining the goals we should have for young men. Elmer and I began talking about courtship vs. dating with our girls a few years ago, because we knew that if we waited until they were in their teens, they may not buy in to this philosophy.
If you already strongly believe in courtship, you will still find some very practical explanations of how courtship works and what it looks like.
Baucham also echoes the fear that many God-loving parents Elmer and I know share:
"I was again struck with fear. I thought about the thousands of young men in our society who have been raised amidst a culture of weak, godless, unsure, lazy, feminized men. I thought about the epidemic of fatherlessness and the resulting dearth of truly mature, godly, manly young men. Not macho men who beat their chests and howl at the moon. I'm talking about real men. I'm talking about men who understand their role in the home, in the church, and in the world. I'm talking about men who haven't been desensitized by violence or emasculated by overprotective mothers. To whom will I give my daughter if young men no longer know what the word man means?"
The last part of this book addresses something that I've been uncomfortable with for years: don't send a woman to do a man's job:
"Our children are becoming serial monogamists who give themselves away over and over again to unworthy candidates who break their hearts, scar their psyches, and often cause them to sin against God. Something simply has to give." (pg. 161)
The divorce rate both in the church and out of the church is shocking these days. Why do fathers only have a say when the young couple - who may have been dating for over a year already while away at college - comes to ask his approval for marriage? Why are fathers and mothers not more deeply involved in this process from the beginning?
I am so thankful that I had the insight to introduce Elmer to my parents very early on in our courtship. I just wish I had introduced them to each other before we even went out together one time. Then, it would have been "true" courtship!
In the last chapter of What He Must Be...if He Wants to Marry My Daughter, Baucham spends quite a bit of time explaining some excellent options of how to work with young men who may "come a' courtin'" but aren't really ready for marriage. He shows fathers how to mentor young men and bring them up to the standard. In my opinion, any young man who is willing to be mentored by a possible future father-in-law is placing himself high up the ladder to marry that man's daughter!
I'll finish this review with one other quote that I especially liked in this book. However, it isn't a quote from Voddie Baucham. You'll recognize the author!
"I have brought up a daughter with great expense and effort, care and peril, diligence and labor, and for many years I have ventured my entire life, my person and possessions, in the undertaking...And now she is not to be better protected for me than my cow, lost in the woods, which any wolf may devour? Who would approve of this? Likewise, is my child to stand there free for all, so that any knave, unknown to me, or perhaps even a former enemy of mine, has the power and the unlimited opportunity secretly to steal her from me and take her away without my knowledge and will? There certainly is no one who would want to let his money and goods stand open to the public in this way, so that they may be taken by the first comer. But now the knave takes not only my money and goods, but my child whom I have brought up with painful care; and with my daughter he gets my goods and money besides. And so I must reward him for the grief and harm he has caused me and must let him be the heir of the possessions I have acquired with pains and labor. Surely, this is rewarding wickedness with honor; this is inviting grief and injury." ~ Martin Luther
The process of courtship should be a partnership, not arranged by parents, but a partnership between the parents and their children, and Voddie Baucham teaches this well in his new book.
Recently, some friends of ours had their 18-year-old daughter go through the process of courtship like Baucham encourages. The young man came to the family from the beginning, and asked permission from the father to court the daughter. The parents were involved right from the beginning, and the purpose of the courtship was to lead to marriage. It wasn't to have a short-term fling or to "hook up", which is a scary concept to me. Blessings to those who follow the biblical plan for courtship in their lives!
I highly recommend What He Must Be...if He Wants to Marry My Daughter. It is a very useful book for sons and daughters to read or go through with their parents, and for parents to read whether they only have sons or daughters, or both.
The Old Schoolhouse® Magazine is currently running their Summer Bouquet subscription promotion, in which they give away more than $400 in gifts to each of the first 5,000 people who purchase a two-year TOS magazine subscription or renewal (U.S. subscriptions only).
Each of those first 5,000 subscribers will receive 19 great gifts, including:
$20 gift card for DVDs offered by Franklin Springs Family Media
A Cooking with Children CD from SueGreggCookbooks
An online filmmaking course given by Advent Film Group (approximately $49 value)
Gourmet Crepe Mix and Raspberry Cheesecake Blend from Wildtree-YUMMY!!
A 10 x 13 portrait photo free from Sears to YOU (with no sitting fee!)
Each of these 19 gifts has a value of up to $10 to $49! And none of them requires additional shipping charges; for the most part, your only expense will be the cost of the stamp on the envelope or postcard that you mail in to redeem a gift. This amazing promotion gives homeschoolers a taste of some exceptional FREE products from a variety of sources.
If you would like to participate in this wonderful offer, click on the link above...and for an additional $5 off your two-year subscription order, use the code:
JMSGL5OFF
If you are already a subscriber, I'd enjoy hearing your comments about the magazine - what you like about it, what are your favorite features, etc. I've enjoyed TOS Mag. for about five years now!
When my children were very young, we had very little extra money in our budget. We stayed home a lot, kept things simple, enjoyed friendships with other families and our church members, rarely traveled, and just enjoyed bonding as a family.
We began homeschooling when our oldest was four. Technically, we began homeschooling the day she was born, but that just shows our view of what homeschooling really is...a lifelong love of learning and discipleship with your children!
I wanted to do preschool types of things with my children, but didn't have much money. My mom suggested some ideas we could do at home together, and I also gleaned ideas from my friends. I bought a couple of books that had a lot of ideas, and we did some things from that. Several times, I asked my girls' Sunday School teachers how the girls were doing. They were surprised to learn that our girls weren't attending a local preschool, because they were social, obedient (for the most part!), had preschool skills, etc.
I firmly believe that if a parent is able to stay at home with their children, attending preschool is not a necessary part of childhood. Learning a lot of preschool-types of skills IS necessary, but they are so easily taught by Mom or Dad. I only knew one other gal who had children my daughter's age - when they were babies - so she and I began meeting together once a week for a playdate. Not only did I enjoy the time to visit with another mom who shared similar beliefs and values as me, our daughters grew up together and learned so much from each other. As time went on, we made friends with other families who had young children, and our circle of friendships grew.
Because I have always loved learning, I wanted my children to love learning, too. I made it a big priority in our family to have plenty of story times, arts and crafts, practice with letters and numbers, colors, days of the week, and so many fun little skills like that in our daily life. But it was still very casual and lots of fun and games - plus, I spent very little during the day doing this with the girls. No need for 2-4 hours per day, that's for sure!
What happened because of all of this? Well, when our oldest had reached the age to attend kindergarten in our state (she was 5-3/4 by the day school started), we realized that even with working casually with her over the last couple of years, she was advanced in her skills, and would have been bored to tears in kindergarten. This led to our journey in homeschooling, and it has been such a blessed adventure.
While many families think to themselves, "Wow - my child is far advanced beyond her peers - she is going to be at the top of her class!" when their children start kindergarten, I think this attitude is actually harmful to our children. Why be prideful about our children, and then use that pride to actually harm our children by not allowing them to flourish and grow academically at their own pace and in so many other ways?
Our attitude instead was, "Wow - my child is advanced beyond her peers - what can we do to teach and nurture her at her level now, so she won't be held back academically and emotionally?" After years of teaching in the public school system and working with children voluntarily, I can't imagine placing an advanced child into a kindergarten program where 95% of the classmates don't know their seasons, days of the week, letters, numbers, colors, etc. And lest you think that things improve all that much in the first grade, you would probably be dismayed to learn that almost all first grades spend 26 weeks of the school year (out of 36) learning the letters of the alphabet and all of the other things I've already mentioned. (The reading/spelling curriculum we use taught all 26 letters in 5-7 days, easy. Why drag this out over six months, unless a child has learning disabilities? I just don't get it.)
Now, I know that the masses need to be educated, but why should we hold children back who are reading and understanding at a higher level? And for the average boy? Why, quite a few of them would often be better off not even starting school until they are around 7, unless they are the type who really loves to sit still and learn! Public school organization is so feminized, anyway - why should boys be spending most of their young lives sitting squarely in a desk, doing pencil and paper work, and cutting with scissors? Let them be boys and learn in a mode that meets their needs, without all the sitting time when they are younger...
Okay, I'll get off of my soapbox.
Today, I just finished reading a new e-book called, Dreams and Designs—Homemade Supplies to Complement Your Homeschool that will be offered in the future by The Schoolhouse Store, part of The Old Schoolhouse magazine.
Even though I haven't used preschool activities for a lot of years now, it was so much fun to read through this 54-page ebook!
I would have really enjoyed using Dreams and Designs—Homemade Supplies to Complement Your Homeschool in our preschool and early elementary years.
Donna Campos, the author of this e-book, offers so many creative ideas of activity centers, learning stations, preschool activities, and skill development. What impressed me the most is that she provides very cheap and inexpensive methods and ways of doing this in your own home.
I used to receive those colorful, flashy catalogs in the mail when the girls were younger. After all, I was still on a lot of "teacher" mailing lists, right? I would see so many things that looked so wonderful to have in our home, but the price tag kept me from ordering much at all. If I had a copy of Dreams and Designs—Homemade Supplies to Complement Your Homeschool, I would have thrown out the catalogs and just enjoyed using the ideas in this e-book instead!
Donna teaches us how to make and use calendars that are large and hands-on, how to design puppet theaters and scrolling stories, and how to design personal partitions that give children their own little space to work on school projects or activities. She also provides many ideas of how to design activity stations and centers, something that started to become very popular in the public schools in the 1990s, but hardly anyone had the extra time or money to use them in their classrooms.
Donna also provides us with photos and directions on how to design different types of storage containers and rolling carts, plus a lot more, with household items. For those who like having everything "in place" in their homes, this would be a dream come true!
Just when you think this e-book couldn't provide any more for your family and learning, she also discusses many ways to use file folders to enhance learning. I was impressed with the detailed directions to make file folder timelines for history studies.
She also includes a section on some great ways to use cheap and inexpensive index cards for lots of learning activities, including for those children who have learning challenges or are on the autism spectrum.
I really appreciate Donna Campos' heart for the family and how to educate children frugally as well as having a lot of fun with them.
The next time you are tempted to plop your children into public school, or keep them at home with a boring stack of workbooks, consider bringing this e-book into your home for $12.45:
Dreams and Designs—Homemade Supplies to Complement Your Homeschool
This summer, I’ve been privileged to read and write a review for one of the first “When I Grow Up, I Want to Be...” e-books that “The Old Schoolhouse” began to offer in June 2009. When I Grow Up, I Want to Be a Chef was an excellent study of many aspects of being a chef. I was surprised at all of the work that went into making this e-book a full unit study for families.
A husband and wife who met in medical school, married, and started their families before becoming physicians take the time to introduce us to a little about their lives and how they became doctors. They candidly discuss the joys and strains of being physicians; Dr. Celina Atwi describes how much she loved being a doctor and treating her patients until God showed her how much her own children needed her at home. She eventually put her medical career on hold and began homeschooling her children as well as some relatives’ children. Mr. Jibran Atwi describes many of his tasks during a typical day at his extremely busy practice, including overseeing eight other physicians who work for him.
Suggestions and tips for homeschooled students who are wanting to gain entry to medical school are discussed. How wonderful to see information like this written specifically to homeschooled graduates! It is rare to see that focus these days in career studies materials.
This e-book includes numerous pages and activities that are well-designed for a unit study in the home. Reading comprehension, graphing and following charts, creative writing and storytelling, and science activities and experiments that focus on the biology of the human eye enhance this unit. Math word problems revolving around the theme of doctors and eyesight are included, as well as vocabulary activities, puzzles, and numerous copywork pages in both print and cursive handwriting.
Two coloring pages are added to this unit, although I found the style of art to be more appropriate for the younger aged children. My 9- and 11-year old children prefer fine line drawings to color, similar to the Dover coloring books, instead of thick black line simple drawings.
A book and video list is included to extend your family’s studies of the human eye and eyesight.
ASL sign language is included for a few medical-themed words. Bible memory verses, and pages of activities and projects to have fun as a family are helpful. A “Teacher’s Guide” of answers are added in the back of the study to help parents as needed.
Finally, a list of resources and websites, as well as links to related occupations, concludes this fun unit study!
I appreciate the heart of this study as I read through it. Dr. Celina Atwi clearly states that while she knew she was led to becoming a physician as a woman, she also knows that for Christian women who want to go into medicine as a career, it is far better suited to those women who are called to singleness or are married and are unable to have children.
While many women will cry “foul” at this statement, it is practical and based on the considerations of attempting to raise a family while being on-call 24 hours a day. Raising children with a godly, biblical plan and passing our faith on to our children is a 24-hour-per-day ministry in itself, one that would be extremely difficult to accomplish through the Holy Spirit if we are working outside of the home many hours each week, away from our precious gifts.
The Old Schoolhouse magazine (www.theoldschoolhousestore.com) has recently developed an informative, new e-book designed to answer your questions about the use of e-books, why they exist, how to store them in your home, tips on how to publish your own e-books, and more.
The director of this project, Angelina Stanford McBride, is a noted "hard copy" book lover. However, over time, she has learned to appreciate and even enjoy e-books for what they offer. She, and numerous other e-book users, spend some time in E-Homeschooling: Embracing the E-Book Revolution describing why e-books can be so useful for families, why they are economical, and how they are easy to store and use in your homes and on the road.
Several lists of a variety of sources in which to obtain free or economically priced e-books can be found in E-Homeschooling: Embracing the E-Book Revolution.
In a helpful "Q & A" format, the questions that are frequently asked about e-books are answered here for both the novice and the expert e-book user.
Multiple authors contributed to this e-book to provide a variety of methods of storing and organizing e-books on a person’s computer, or in their physical home library or file cabinets. I know that you will appreciate finding a method that suits your style!
Finally,
E-Homeschooling: Embracing the E-Book Revolution ends with excellent pointers on how to begin publishing your own e-books for sale to the general public. Heidi Strawser ("The Old Schoolhouse" E-Book Reviews Specialist) candidly lists some of the most common errors would-be e-book publishers make in their attempts to produce e-books. The advice here is solid and beneficial reading for any individual who is interested in writing and selling their own e-books.
This is an informative, useful e-book that is a free download from "The Old Schoolhouse’s" website here. Enjoy!
