....but some of these are pretty cute...especially for us married women.  Enjoy your Monday! icart...

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

****** ********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
========================================================
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
====================================================
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly

...the internet can be a wonderful thing.  My two sons have discovered HUMOR!  Some of it...I just think is crass...but some of it is hysterical!  While "finding" their humorous sides...they stumbled upon Abbot and Costello's "Whose on first."  Now I admit...the video to this has World of Warcraft characters....but it IS the classic!  We walk around the house saying "I don't give a darn"..."Oh!  He's our short stop!"

Well, if you are missing that sort of humor...the following is a contemporary turn on this fantastic routine.  Hope you enjoy...it made me laugh!  icart

 
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

...the house is for sale; my oldest is getting ready for college; my husband is in South Korea for a year, and my daughter is 13 (and knows EVERYTHING)!  I need all the stress releif I can get!  So here is part 2...enjoy! icart

Here are some ways of dealing with the burdens of life : 
 
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the 
statue. 
 
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat 
them. 
 
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle 
of it. 
 
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker. 
 
 
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 
 
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably 
worth it. 
 
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning 
to others. 
 
* Never buy a car you can't push. 
 
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you 
won't have a leg to stand on. 
 
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 
 
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. 
 
* The second mouse gets the cheese. 
 
* When everything 's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 
 
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. 
 
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world 
to one person. 
 
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once 
 
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and 
some are dull, Some have weird names , and all are different colors, but 
they all have to live in the same box 

 " A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 
 
Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today. . . 
. . . . . I did. 

.....how something so little can mess you up?  It took me five minutes to find the new login logo...Thank Goodness it is Friday! 

The day before yesterday my children's high school had computer problems.  The only way to contact any teacher was through the phone line...boy, oh, boy!  Then I received this post...timing is everything...enjoy! icart

 
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE 
 
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School(California)
staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about
because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be
responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and
teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades
changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times
during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their
classes. 
 
The outgoing message: 
 
_____________________________________________________________
 
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In
order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to
all the options before making a selection: 
 
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 
 
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2 
 
* To complain about what we do - Press 3 
 
* To swear at staff members - Press 4 
 
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 
 
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 
 
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7 
 
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8 
 
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 
 
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0 
 
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's
not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: 
 
Hang up and have a nice day! 

With all the "investigations" going on and all the work this Democratic congress ISN'T doing, I have been getting very frustrated.  It seems like the Democrats are a bunch of sore loosers...things that were perfectly acceptable when Pres. Clinton was in office are now a big deal (like the firing...actually, not renewing the contracts of 8 democratic officails...which the Pres has the right to do...now they want Alberto Gonzales to be fired).  Don't get me wrong...I am really mad at the Republicans and Pres. Bush for the immigration mess and not going in and just taking care of business in Iraq!  I can go on and on...but I like to leave this blog for more humor and day to day stuff.  That being said, I couldn't resist this one. Plus being a Catholic, conservative, right leaning to Libertarian...this joke just begged for me to post it.  So enjoy..or don't. icart         Feel free to post comments...I am a political junkie!

 --------------------------------------------------------------
 THE DYING PRIEST

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully
served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his
nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton  before I die." whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a  response.

 Soon; the word arrived. Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Clinton commented to Kennedy "I  don't
know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help
our images." Kennedy couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took  Kennedy's
hand in his right hand and Clinton's hand in his left. There was
silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Senator Kennedy spoke. "Father, of all the people you
could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you  near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my 
life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said Kennedy.

"Amen" said Clinton.

The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I
would like to do the same.".

...this one is too cute.  Try as they may, some men are at a loss.  enjoy!!! icart

One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband
decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted
to
me, "What setting do I use on the washing
machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say
on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."
And they say blondes are dumb...

 
Today is International Very Good Looking, Darn Smart Woman's Day, so please
pass this on to someone you think fits this description.  And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive
and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one
hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a wonderful day !
__________________________________________________
Here are some great quotes to make your weekend...enjoy! icart
 

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the heck
happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong- 
 
 
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the
girl up with cookies.
(Unknown)  
 

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)- 
  

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting
my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck- 


Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-   
 

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts
falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen- 
 

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible
warning.
- Catherine-  
 

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr- 
  

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson -  
 
 

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-

My husband and I are working on our 22nd year of marriage...hard to believe how time flies.  I always thought it has lasted so long because I married my best friend...the person I would choose to spend time with before anyone else.  But if that isn't your case...my aunt sent me this advice...enjoy! icart

...I was having a hard time logging on.  Not sure why, but it is working now...so here you go!  So far the house selling is going okay...I had 21 realestate agents come critique my house...19 said the price was right...21 said "thank you for the cookies " (I beleive in bribes) and several suggested painting my daughter's neon pink room (or offering a paint allowance...I choose the latter).  So that sounds great!  Keep your fingers crossed...say a prayer and before you know it, this house will be sold!

On that happy note...enjoy the weekend! icart

Thoughts for the weekend

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find,
Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart

This is too funny...you will spend all day trying to "fix" your right foort...you KNOW God has a sense of humor!!!  enjoy! icart

 This is weird.
 
How smart is Your Right Foot ? ?

 Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon............

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if
you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's preprogrammed in your  brain!


 1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and
 while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your
 right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with you right hand.
 Your foot will change direction.

 I told you so!!!

 And there's nothing you can do about it!

 You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are
 going to try it again, if you've not already done so ! ! !

....but , as this story reminds us...so too can be death.  Enjoy!  have a great weekend...we are having our first open house on Sunday..wish me luck! icart

BTW, my Grandmother (Nanny) was Jewish...but I can tell you, this could easily be an Italian funeral too (just drop the Oye vey)...I'm Italian too!

Subject: THE JEWISH FUNERAL
 
Morris died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.
 
As the last attendees left, Morris's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend
Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Morris's would be pleased."
 
"I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her
voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did it really cost?"
 
"All of it," said Rose. "Fifty thousand."
 
"No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really... $50,000?"
 
Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the
Rabbi's services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went
for the memorial stone."

Sadie computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big is it?"

 "Five and a half carats."

...no hidden thoughts...no puzzles...just something a little funny to start your week.  I think I especially enjoyed it because my husband is from Texas...we know people like Sam!  enjoy! icart

...this is too funny!  Here's a prayer for all us married women...enjoy! icart

 *HOW TO STAY MARRIED*

 A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared
 everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets  from
 each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of  her
 closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.


 For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day  the
 little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.  In
 trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe  box
 and took it to his wife's bedside.


 She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When  he
 opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling
 $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married,"  she
 said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never
 argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep
 quiet and crochet a doll."


 The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
 precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times
 in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.


 "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this 
money?
 Where did it come from?"

 "Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."



 A Prayer.......


 Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

 Love to forgive him;

 And Patience for his moods;

 Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
And I don't know how to crochet. Amen!

This would be much funnier if I didn't know for a fact that some schools teach this "Child's Bill of Rights"...enjoy! icart

My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D."

Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.

I've cancelled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best."

I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine."

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?"

MOM (mean old mom)

Hi Guys!

     It has been a while!  We left on the 28th of December to go house hunting in Florida...since our return I have been trying to get the house ready to put on the market...anyone need a beautiful home in Cordova, Tn (just outside of Memphis)?  I planto get back to my blogging ways...I have lots of funnies to share...plus, lots of questions that need answers...

     ...for instance, anyone know anything good or bad about Adams Home builders in Florida?  I am looking at a new home they have built and would love any input.  In the meantime...here are some stress relievers you might find interesting...enjoy! icart

...but I know some of you have gotten the wonderful white stuff! Here's a little story you snow bound folks can appreciate....

Up there by Lake Woebegone it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when Lena got off work.  She
made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.  She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.  She remembered Ole's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.  That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

     This made Lena feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it.  As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

      After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car
and signaled her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time.  She said that she was fine and told him of Ole's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

      The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted...but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and
was going over to Kmart next.

I LOVE the new updates!!!  If you have been insanely busy and having logged in for awhile...you will be pleasantly surprised!  They are just fantastic!

For those of you who just read the blogs...you will have to trust me on this one!

So, now that we are all getting ready for Christmas, Chanukah and the New year...we are all planning those New Year's rexolutions.  I know I NEED to lose weight...sell my house here in Memphis (anyone interested?), get my son off to college, teach my middle son to drive (he has had a few lessons already), buy a house in Florida...oh yea...and pack up and move!  It should be a VERY interesting year!

Needless to say, I have been stressing....but I found this in my "inbox" toady.  A good friend of mine with 6 children (yes, 6!) who is a widow and just recently moved herself sent it to me.  If anyone knows stress it has to be her!  So thank you to my dear friend in Kentucky..enjoy and share...icart!

...my husband always says..."geting old, it beats the alternative!"  I agree whole heartedly.  Well here is a little story where getting older paid off!  enjoy! icart

 Subject: Senile? No one believes seniors . . everyone thinks they are senile.
 
An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
 They had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back
 to their old neighborhood after they retired.
 
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
 It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd
 shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
 
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
 practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not
 sure what to do with it, they took it home.
 
There, Sally counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars!!!
 
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
 
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag
 and hid it in their attic.
 
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood
 looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but
 did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
 
Sally said, "No."
 
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
 
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
 
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
 
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

 Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . "

 The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

My aunt sent me this next one.  She is my Dad's older sister and runs a bikers' gear shop in a flea market in Tampa.  It made me laugh out loud....my husband has a Harley Davidson motorcycle....which he loves!  So this "Dear Abby" letter hit a little close to home.  enjoy! icart

...what you give you get back ten fold!  I have seen it happen...good or bad!  When I received this...it made me think of my mom.  Any thing that gets me to remember her (she died at age 53 from breast cancer...before meeting her first grandchild...who is going to Florida Sate University next year)...is a VERY good thing!  I hope you enjoy....and think of giving a little extra this holiday sesson...icart!

Don't Despair:

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.


"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.
"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."