I love the church bulletin announcements.  They can be so funny!  I think I may have typed several of these!  Enjoy!!! icart

They're back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for the church ladies who type them. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.


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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."


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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.


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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.


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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."


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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------------- -- ----------------------------------


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

This is a good one to start the week off!  It would be a GREAT morning work exercise for the kids!  I may take this on...now that all my beautiful walls are builder's beige..."you have to go neutral to sell a home"!  I need COLOR!  The first thing I am doing when we move is adding color to the walls!  look-out!  icart!

                                             DORMITORY:
                              When you rearrange the letters:
                                             DIRTY ROOM

Sorry Guys!

Since Father's Day I have made one trip to Florida (another one is planned soon), fired my real estate agent (he would do ANYTHING I asked...but coudn't get anyone in the house), hired another agent (a real go getter...keep us in those prayers), had several rooms painted (neutral builder's beige...I can't wait to get to my new house so I can put color back on the walls)  and sent one child off to college!

With all the stress I have been feeling...I am trying really hard to just let go...I found this sentiment VERY satisfying!  Enjoy! icart

Happy Father's Day!  This one is pretty funny...enjoy the day! icart

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk
into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up
and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
"Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the
preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.  The preacher again asks
the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

All this time I thought it was "the refineries!"  Of course, it couldn't be that.  If the refineries are shutting down for maintanence and we don't have enough refineries and they have to make too many different grades of gasoline...if this was all true and it was a matter fo supply and demand...why aren't there any shortages?  We have plenty of $3.00 + gas here in Memphis.  I haven't seen a plastic bag over a pump anywhere...so where are the shortages we are paying for?

Anyway, a friend of mine sent me an explaination.  NOW I know why gas is so expensive!  enjoy! icart

Seems that some folks can't understand how we came
 to have an oil shortage here in our country.
 Well, the answer is real simple.
 Nobody bothered to check the oil.
 We just didn't know we were getting low.
 
The reason for that is purely geographical.
 Our OIL is located in:
 ALASKA
 California
 Coastal Florida
 Coastal Louisiana
 Kansas
 Oklahoma
 Pennsylvania 
and
 Texas
 
All Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC !!!!
 
Makes sense to me. Any Questions?

Okay...my brain has completely stopped working..my eldest, first born, trial and error son is graduating high school tomorrow!  I feel like I am in one of those sci-fi movies where time stands still...he has orientation next week and will MOVE OUT of his home by mid june!  I can't make up my mind if I am happy and excited for him or sad for me....this is sooooo hard!

So, while my brain is trying to get a jump start...I should be better next year about this time...here is an oldie but goodie...born a natural brunette (now a natural brunette with a little help fome a bottle)..I now know what it feels like to be blonde...enjoy! icart

THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN
BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND
MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS
DOWN.


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS
AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET


SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID
FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL
HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.


THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M
BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE
 COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE
  CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING
 IN FIRST
CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY
AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.


 THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE
  AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE
  ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE
 TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.


THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M
BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND
I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE
PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE
THE POLICE
WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T
LISTEN TO REASON.


THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A
BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED
TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."


HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND
WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS,
"OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND
GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT
ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT
HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
ANY FUSS.




I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING
TO HOUSTON "

...EVENTUALLY!  Boy this market is tough in Memphis!  I am praying really hard that I sell my house sometime in the near future.  That being said...a friend of mine sent me a lttle story to remind me of the crime I might have to face when I head south...enjoy!  icart

Get Out of The Car!

(This is a true account recorded in the police log of
Sarasota , Florida )

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon Returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving With her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
Proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I Know how to use it!  Get out of the car!!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.  They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her
Shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the
Driver's' seat.  She was so shaken that she could not get her key Into The Ignition.  She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
For The same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat..

A few minutes later, she found her own car prked four Or five spaces ;  further down the parking lot.  She loaded
Her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her Mistake.  The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop Laughing.  He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four Pale
Men were Reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as White, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and
Carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.



Moral of the story: If you're going to have a Senior
Moment, make it memorable

I received this little number just the other day.  I saved it for Monday so you can start your week off feeling smarter...how many of these did you know?  enjoy! icart!

...this is too good to pass up.  Maybe there is a way to get along...enjoy!  icart

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone, the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?" 

     I absolutely LOVE this country.  I think it is the best in the world!  Sometimes we go astray (just watch "The View"...they will tell you all about it) but most times we get it right.  We are excellent at self-correcting ourselves.  That being said...there ARE a couple of items I wish we would fix (the hot dog one has already been taken care of)...enjoy! icart

I really do love this country, but... 1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

...sorry I didn't post yesterday, it was "bill day."  PLUS...we have someone coming to look at the house today...so I has to do a little cleaning...AND it was major grocery shopping day...good thing they all fall on the same day...now the rest of my week is free!

So the big news yesterday was the President finally vetoed a bill!  Yippee for the president!!! My husband is in the military and a date for withdrawal is such a bad idea...by the way, have you seen a clip on "The View"?  Ricki Lake and Rosie O'Donell were spewing inaccurate facts about how uneducated and poor our military is...compared to what?  The hollywood elite???  Feel free to debate that one...I would LOVE to hear someone who agrees with them...I will gladly set the facts straight.

On that note...here's a little political humor...enjoy, icart!

By the way...this joke does not apply to John Edwards.

 Subject: The Barber
 
 
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.
 After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber
 replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you;
 I'm doing community service this week." The florist is
 pleased and leaves the shop.
 
Next morning when the barber goes to open his shop.
 There is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting
 for him at his door.
 
 
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes
 to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry,
 I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community
 service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the
 shop.
 
Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is
 a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at
 his door.
 
 
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he
 goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm
 sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
 community service this week." The Republican is very
 happy and leaves the shop.
 
Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a
 thank you card and a dozen different books such as
 "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More
 Successful."
 
 
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he
 goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm
 sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
 community service this week." The Democrat is very
 happy and leaves the shop.
 
The next morning when the barber goes to open up,
 there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a
 free haircut.
 And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental
 difference between left and right...

This is so good.  You have to love a great multipurpose item...where are all the "green" lovers with this?  I would MUCH rather have this great item than use one sheet of toilet paper...how about we go back to the FLOUR SACK!  enjoy! icart

I must be in a Bible study mood...here is a really good one for the weekend.  I don't know what I would do...enjoy!  icart

AFTER A FEW OF THE USUAL SUNDAY EVENING HYMNS,

THE CHURCH'S PASTOR SLOWLY STOOD UP,

WALKED OVER TO THE PULPIT AND,

BEFORE HE GAVE HIS SERMON FOR THE EVENING,

HE BRIEFLY INTRODUCED A GUEST MINISTER

WHO WAS IN THE SERVICE THAT EVENING.


IN THE INTRODUCTION, THE PASTOR TOLD THE

CONGREGATION THAT THE GUEST MINISTER WAS

ONE OF HIS DEAREST CHILDHOOD FRIENDS AND

THAT HE WANTED HIM TO HAVE A FEW MOMENTS

TO GREET THE CHURCH AND SHARE WHATEVER

HE FELT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE FOR THE SERVICE.


WITH THAT, AN ELDERLY MAN STEPPED UP TO THE

PULPIT AND BEGAN TO SPEAK.


"A FATHER, HIS SON, AND A FRIEND OF HIS SON WERE

SAILING OFF THE PACIFIC COAST," HE BEGAN.

"WHEN A FAST APPROACHING STORM BLOCKED ANY

ATTEMPT TO GET BACK TO THE SHORE.


THE WAVES WERE SO HIGH, THAT EVEN THOUGH THE

FATHER WAS AN EXPERIENCED SAILOR, HE COULD NOT

KEEP THE BOAT UPRIGHT AND THE THREE WERE SWEPT

INTO THE OCEAN AS THE BOAT CAPSIZED."


THE OLD MAN HESITATED FOR A MOMENT,

MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH TWO TEENAGERS WHO WERE,

FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE SERVICE BEGAN,

LOOKING SOMEWHAT INTERESTED IN HIS STORY.


THE AGED MINISTER CONTINUED WITH HIS STORY,

"GRABBING A RESCUE LINE, THE FATHER HAD TO MAKE THE

MOST EXCRUCIATING DECISION OF HIS LIFE: TO WHICH BOY

WOULD HE THROW THE OTHER END OF THE LIFE LINE.

HE ONLY HAD SECONDS TO MAKE THE DECISION.

THE FATHER KNEW THAT HIS SON WAS A CHRISTIAN AND

HE, ALSO, KNEW THAT HIS SON'S FRIEND WAS NOT.

THE AGONY OF HIS DECISION COULD NOT BE MATCHED BY

THE TORRENT OF WAVES.


AS THE FATHER YELLED OUT, 'I LOVE YOU, SON!'

HE THREW OUT THE LIFE LINE TO HIS SON'S FRIEND.

BY THE TIME THE FATHER HAD PULLED THE FRIEND BACK

TO THE CAPSIZED BOAT, HIS SON HAD DISAPPEARED BENEATH

THE RAGING SWELLS INTO THE BLACK OF NIGHT.


HIS BODY WAS NEVER RECOVERED.


BY THIS TIME, THE TWO TEENAGERS WERE SITTING UP

STRAIGHT IN THE PEW, ANXIOUSLY WAITING FOR THE NEXT

WORDS TO COME OUT OF THE OLD MINISTER'S MOUTH.


"THE FATHER," HE CONTINUED, "KNEW HIS SON WOULD

STEP INTO ETERNITY WITH JESUS AND HE COULD NOT

BEAR THE THOUGHT OF HIS SON'S FRIEND STEPPING INTO

AN ETERNITY WITHOUT JESUS.. THEREFORE, HE SACRIFICED

HIS SON TO SAVE THE SON'S FRIEND. "


HOW GREAT IS THE LOVE OF GOD THAT HE SHOULD DO THE

SAME FOR US. OUR HEAVENLY FATHER SACRIFICED HIS ONLY

BEGOTTEN SON THAT WE COULD BE SAVED. I URGE YOU TO

ACCEPT HIS OFFER TO RESCUE YOU AND TAKE A HOLD OF THE

LIFE LINE HE IS THROWING OUT TO YOU IN THIS SERVICE."

WITH THAT, THE OLD MAN TURNED AND SAT BACK DOWN IN

HIS CHAIR AS SILENCE FILLED THE ROOM.


THE PASTOR AGAIN WALKED SLOWLY TO THE PULPIT AND

DELIVERED A BRIEF SERMON WITH AN INVITATION AT THE

END. HOWEVER, NO ONE RESPONDED TO THE APPEAL.


WITHIN MINUTES AFTER THE SERVICE ENDED, THE TWO

TEENAGERS WERE AT THE OLD MAN'S SIDE.


"THAT WAS A NICE STORY," POLITELY STATED ONE OF

THEM,"BUT I DON'T THINK IT WAS VERY REALISTIC FOR A

FATHER TO GIVE UP HIS ONLY SON'S LIFE IN HOPES THAT

THE OTHER BOY WOULD BECOME A CHRISTIAN."


"WELL, YOU'VE GOT A POINT THERE," THE OLD MAN REPLIED,

GLANCING DOWN AT HIS WORN BIBLE. A BIG SMILE BROADENED

HIS NARROW FACE. HE ONCE AGAIN LOOKED UP AT THE BOYS

AND SAID, "IT SURE ISN'T VERY REALISTIC, IS IT? BUT,

I'M STANDING HERE TODAY TO TELL YOU THAT STORY GIVES

ME A GLIMPSE OF WHAT IT MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE FOR GOD

TO GIVE UP HIS SON FOR ME.

YOU SEE...

I WAS THAT FATHER AND YOUR PASTOR IS MY SON'S FRIEND."

...my 13 year old daughter sent this to me.  I love them!  Maybe we should send this list to Congress?!  Number 10 is my favorite. Maybe we should remind ourselves of some of the not so common niceities in life...enjoy! icart

ONE.
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.


TWO.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.


THREE.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.


FOUR.
When you say, "I love you ," mean it.


FIVE.
When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.


SIX.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.


SEVEN.
Believe in love at first sight.


EIGHT.
Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have
much.

NINE.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way
to live life completely.

TEN..
In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.


ELEVEN.
Don't judge people by their relatives.


TWELVE.
Talk slowly but think quickly.


THIRTEEN.
When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and
ask, "Why do you want to know?"


FOURTEEN.
Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.



FIFTEEN.
Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.


SIXTEEN.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson !


SEVENTEEN.
Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and
responsibility for all your actions.


EIGHTEEN.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great
friendship.


NINETEEN.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.


TWENTY.
Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
voice.


TWENTY-ONE.
Spend some time alone.

Here are some more "bible stories."  They are so funny...get a good chuckle and pass them on...enjoy! icart

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.  Can anybody tell me what it is?"  One child blurted out, "Aces!"

MOSES &THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."  "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.  On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

Church Smiles

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her  brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...    "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust.''

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.  Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked hi m what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.  He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

...for Easter my babies gave me the newest in the Left Behind series of books...I thought I was done (silly me)!  So I have been feeling "extra spiritual" lately.  These are super cute...there will be more tomorrow, so stay tuned and enjoy. icart

STORY OF ELIJAH

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar.  And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"  A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"

...someone sent me this as a "Happy Note."  I thought it would be a good way to start off the week.  enjoy! icart

IN CHEMISTRY, HE TURNED WATER TO WINE

IN BIOLOGY, HE WAS BORN WITHOUT THE NORMAL CONCEPTION.

IN PHYSICS, HE DISPROVED THE LAW OF GRAVITY WHEN HE ASCENDED INTO HEAVEN

IN ECONOMICS, HE DISAPPROVED THE LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURN BY FEEDING 5000 MEN WITH TWO FISHES & 5 LOAVES OF BREAD;

IN MEDICINE, HE CURED THE SICK AND THE BLIND WITHOUT ADMINISTERING A SINGLE DOSE OF DRUGS,

IN HISTORY, HE IS THE BEGINNING AND THE END;

IN GOVERNMENT, HE SAID THAT HE SHALL BE CALLED WONDERFUL COUNSELOR, PRINCE OF PEACE;

IN RELIGION, HE SAID NO ONE COMES TO THE FATHER EXCEPT THROUGH HIM;

SO.

WHO IS HE?

HE IS JESUS!

JOIN ME AND LET'S
CELEBRATE HIM; HE IS WORTHY.

THE EYES BEHOLDING THIS MESSAGE SHALL NOT BEHOLD EVIL, THE HAND THAT

WILL SEND THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYBODY SHALL NOT LABOR IN VAIN, AND THE

MOUTH SAYING AMEN TO THIS PRAYER SHALL SMILE FOREVER.

REMAIN IN GOD AND SEEK HIS FACE ALWAYS.

AMEN

IN GOD I'VE FOUND EVERYTHING!

.....okay, I don't know what bug bit me, but I have been super sick!  Usually I am down for part of a day...but I have been basically out for the count for TWO FULL DAYS!  I am finally feeling a little better....argh!  My kids were soooo cute...they had bowling yesterday...on the way home they bought me a giant diet sprite (I told them "clear" liguids when you are sick), a dozen yellow roses (because they were HAPPY) and a get well soon card...how super are they?  Things like that you will remember all your life!

     So, that being said...here is a funny one in honor of GLOBAL WARMING...enjoy! icart

 One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.
 
 

They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of
 snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the
 street, so the snowplows can get through."
 

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
 
 
 
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
 your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
 get through."
 
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
 
 
 
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says,
 "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park . . . ."
 Then the power goes out.
 
 
 
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
 says, "Honey, I don't know what to do! Which side of the street do I
 need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
 
 
 
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
 married to blondes exhibit, Norman says . . . "Why don't you just
 leave it in the garage this time?"

....but some of these are pretty cute...especially for us married women.  Enjoy your Monday! icart...

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

****** ********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
========================================================
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
====================================================
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly

...the internet can be a wonderful thing.  My two sons have discovered HUMOR!  Some of it...I just think is crass...but some of it is hysterical!  While "finding" their humorous sides...they stumbled upon Abbot and Costello's "Whose on first."  Now I admit...the video to this has World of Warcraft characters....but it IS the classic!  We walk around the house saying "I don't give a darn"..."Oh!  He's our short stop!"

Well, if you are missing that sort of humor...the following is a contemporary turn on this fantastic routine.  Hope you enjoy...it made me laugh!  icart

 
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............