Through It All.........Our Family's Journey through the Valleys, Mountaintops, and the Peaceful Plateaus of Life.

~ Through It All ~
Our Family's Journey through the Valleys, Mountaintops, and the Peaceful Plateaus of Life

Monday, April 10, 2006

The Older Stay-at-Home Mom

Many years ago, when my husband and I were expecting our first child, we made a decision. This decision was not a popular one with our family and friends, and still is not popular with them today. But it was a choice that we felt God had led us to, and never once in all these years have we felt that He was calling us away from this lifestyle. We have been ridiculed and looked down on, misunderstood and thought to be misguided, and thought by many to be lazy and stupid. What decision could possibly be so unpopular? The decision to be a full-time all-the-way-through-life stay-at-home wife and mother.

As an older and much more mature woman now, at the age of 52, this decision is still very much a part of my life, and I still am finding it to be a very unpopular choice of lifestyle. Yet I am also finding out that this choice is all the more important to us at this point in our lives. The traditional role of the mother as caretaker of the children and family was God-ordained for a reason, and even though it is now a politically incorrect lifestyle, it is just as important today as it ever was, and perhaps even more so. My high-school-aged son needs me as much as he did when he was a grade-schooler, perhaps more so, and I find that most folks just plain don’t understand.

As a young wife and mother, being a stay-at-home wife and mother meant being here for my children when they needed me. I was the one who saw them take their first steps and heard them speak their first words. I was there with them through every illness and through every problem that the older children faced at public school. When other parents didn’t have the time, I was there for their children as well as my own, and many of those children called me “Mom,” including my oldest daughter’s entire cross-country team. I found that no matter how much “quality time” these children’s parents spent with them, it was the “quantity time” that the kids really craved. They wanted a mom and dad who would be there, and for most of them, I was the one who was there.

When I became a homeschool mom, after finding out that such a glorious choice existed, I was truly at home with my younger children in ways that I was not able to be for my older ones. It was exciting to be able to direct their learning, and see them learn in their own way and at their own pace, guided by their own interests, and, yes, to even learn new things right alongside them. How I wish I had been enlightened by someone to the delights of homeschooling in time to have lived this lifestyle of learning with my older children. Yet, in looking back, I realize that I was there for them so very much more than most parents ever dream of. And not only for them, but also for their friends who longed to have a parent there for them at school and at special events.

My youngest is now nearly ready to graduate and leave home, and all of my older children are married, two with children of their own. That has led to the inevitable question by family and friends---“Are you going back to work, now that the kids are all grown?” Truthfully, this question rarely ceased to be heard throughout the years, as being grown meant, to most, of school age. As the only stay-at-home mom in my extended family, and for that matter, in my entire neighborhood, I have watched “everyone else” achieve a lifestyle that our family cannot come close to. While they have glamorous homes, cars, clothing, and vacations, I sit in a home that we can’t afford to repair, drive dilapidated old cars, rarely buy a new outfit, and can’t remember when we last went on a vacation. Should I go back to work so that now that I am middle-aged, I can finally achieve this same lifestyle that they feel I covet?

My answer? No, I am AT work! This is where God wants and needs me to be even at this point in my life. Now, instead of a stay-at-home wife and mother, I am switching roles a bit. I am now a stay-at-home daughter, grandmother, daughter-in-law, and niece. Even though I am the oldest in my family, I am not the oldest generation---at least not yet, though that is creeping up on me more quickly than I would like. Those who are left in the older generation---my dad, mom-in-law, and aunts---need me now, and will need me even more as the days go on.

What has happened to our society? Why has letting others care for our beloved parents, in-laws, and other older relatives become the norm? Just a couple generations ago, when nearly ALL women were stay-at-home wives and mothers, this was not the case. These women lovingly took the older relatives into their own homes, or at the very least, dropped in on a daily basis, and cared for them. Not caring for your own was unthinkable, and definitely not the politically correct thing to do in those days. If we look at the Amish in today’s society, we see the last vestiges of a day gone by, when our elderly family members were still allowed to be an active part of the family, and were honored and cared for because of their respected place in the family.

Homeschooling stay-at-home moms are in a position to help bring back this type of dignity and lifestyle to the aging members of our own families. Just when our children are nearing the end of their school years, or have actually gone out on their own to begin their own life, our older family members are beginning to need our care. Once again we are faced with a decision---do we continue to abandon career and extra income to care for those who need us? The question is the same one that we answered years ago when our children were young, but now it pertains to another generation and another set of needs. Yet is it not the same calling, that of caring for our family?

Scripturally, we are taught to respect and care for our parents and our elders. In Bible times, as well as in former times in our own country and culture, this was the norm, the thing to do. You were looked down on and shunned if you did not give these revered members of your family the respect and care they needed and deserved. They were not carted off to the “Jerusalem Home for the Aged” or the “Old Folks Little House on the Edge of the Prairie.” No, they were cared for at home by the same wives and mothers whose career had been keeping their homes, raising their children, oftentimes teaching their children, and being a helpmeet for their husbands. Their career now expanded to include caring for their parents and in-laws, and helping with the grandchildren.

Will this be a popular choice? Of course not. The right choice rarely is. I have already heard questions that remind me so much of the familiar questions I heard so often when homeschooling: What about socialization? Can’t the schools do a better job? What makes you think YOU are able to do what a “real” teacher can do? Only now the questions are: Wouldn’t your Dad be better off in a place with people his own age, so he can have friends “to play with”? Can’t a nursing home do a better job of caring for your relatives? What makes you think that YOU are capable of helping your aunt with physical therapy and monitoring her sugar levels? Doesn’t it sound all too familiar?

The beauty of growing old, to me, is being able to be there when I am needed by those who love me, and whom I love in return, be it children, grandchildren, or older relatives. The joy of growing old is the joy of knowing that I can personally hold hands, listen, care for, and BE THERE WHEN THEY NEED ME for those in each generation whose lives have touched my own. I hope and pray that there will be some in the next generation who will do the same for me…

“If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” I Timothy 5:8

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Comments

Monday, April 10, 2006 - Untitled Comment

Posted by Multigenerational

I concur with that! It seems like in my 50's, the pace of life has esculated, not slown down, for me. There is SO MUCH TO DO. What happened? I can remember when the children were at home how much more time I had to take a nap, sit and read, try a recipe, shop, and sew my own clothes. Now I hit the carpet in the morning and never stop til evening. When do the grandmothers sit and knit?