Posted in Depressing, Isnt It

I must admit that this week has been a struggle for me.  I had done so well with my attitude since the beginning of the year, but this week just knocked me backward a few steps.  Depression and anxiety/panic attacks decided to strike with a vengeance, and it is so difficult to cope with them in the best of times. 

For those who have never dealt with severe anxiety panic episodes with accompanying depression, let me tell you that I would not wish them upon my worst enemy.  They totally paralyze you.  The simplest decisions are not able to be made easily, and even getting out of bed is a true accomplishment.  Raw panic grips you from the moment you wake up, and makes you worry all day long about absolutely everything.

These panic spells make me blow things out of proportion.  A headache becomes a brain tumor, while having an upset stomach means that I have come down with colon cancer like my mom and her family did.  Every little thing becomes a major thing.  Trying to talk myself out of these things that I know my mind is manufacturing doesn't work, because at the time, they are real to me.  Very, very real, and very, very terrifying. 

I find myself taking my pulse constantly to make sure that my heart is still beating, and taking my temperature a dozen times a day to check for infection.  I hyperventilate from the fear, which makes me dizzy, and then, of course, the dizziness scares me into thinking something else is wrong.  It is a wicked, vicious cycle that feeds upon itself and can incapacitate me totally at times. 

The fact that I can't seem to control these episodes as I think I should, and don't get a whole lot done on the days I have attacks, really make me feel that I am the worst mom, worst wife, worst homemaker, and worst Christian the world has ever known.  And since they seem to paralyze me into not being able to see the trees for the forest, I don't get the things done I should, which also makes me feel worthless.  This is where the "accompanying depression" of my diagnosis comes in.  The worse the panic/anxiety episodes are, the worse the depression is.  In my case, the depression is not the main problem, but a result of the other. 

I take an anti-seizure medication that had just started to be used for extremely bad cases of panic/anxiety disease at the time I was diagnosed, and it does help control it most of the time.  Way back when they first discovered what this illness that robbed me of years of my life was, that medication was a godsend, as it made me feel like a real person---a normal person---for the first time in ages and ages.  And it does the trick for the most part, but there are still a series of days here and there where I have attacks.

This week I have had to really WORK to make myself get up, clean myself up, get dressed, eat---absolutely everything is a major effort.  I hate it!  I hate being gripped with fear, and the feeling of hopelessness, the out-of-control feelings, and the depression that come with these spells.  It is hard to explain to someone who hasn't suffered through this just how much of an effort the littlest things in life become, and how they sap every bit of your strength and energy, to say nothing of your mental coping abilities. 

This has gone on for most of this week, so hopefully the end is in sight.  I know that I am not much fun to live with during these times, but yet this is when I feel the need of encouragement, support, and comfort more than at any other time.  But the reaction from those around me is quite natural...they want to back away and just keep their distance until I "snap out of it." 

I just thank God that I know these spells are always temporary instead of going on forever as they did before I was diagnosed.  This is bad enough to suit me quite well...   I would love it if the Lord would decide to just completely heal me from this terribly misunderstood illness. 

Oh, dear me....I really could use your prayers! I want to wake up and feel like myself tomorrow!

Posted in Depressing, Isnt It

One of the reasons I wanted to blog, and to work with other homeschool families with our Family Bookshelf business, is to be a Titus 2 woman. I truly want to help other moms who are younger than I am cope with the problems they may be facing in their lives. One area that I hate to admit that I am an expert in is severe anxiety/panic disorder with accompanying clinical depressive episodes.

I don't hate to admit it because of any shame or embarrassment, although that may have been the case at one point in time, but because I hate to admit that I have still not conquered this beast in my life. Without a miracle, it will most likely be with me the rest of my life, because it is a true disease just like any "physical" illness, in that it is caused by totally out of wack chemicals in my body. Add to that the fact that, as a "mature" woman, I am now going through premenopausal symptoms which greatly aggravate the original problems, and you get the picture of just what I am dealing with.

It still never ceases to amaze me how many people think that you can just snap your finger, put on a smile, click your ruby slippers, talk yourself out of it, or any combination of the above, and you will be miraculously cured of this disease that affects so many people's lives. If it were that simple, I would have cured myself many, many years ago. It is sad that many of the people who think that it is so easy to just "snap out of it" are family members and friends. Even pastors, who in my opinion should be well-versed enough about true depression and anxiety/panic disorder that they don't give such poor counsel, many times are quite ill-informed about a very common problem, and make already desperate people feel even more desperate.

Why this post? Because the past couple of weeks have been the hardest weeks I have had dealing with this in a long time. It reminds me once again of how much work it is to struggle through panic, anxiety, and severe depression. It is both physically and emotionally draining, even with the best of professional help, which unfortunately I do not have access to at this time, due to my dh's job situation, i.e. no insurance. And sadly, it also has reminded me once again of how little most people really understand what I am going through.

The only people who truly understand are those who have also walked through this valley either before me or alongside me. I want those who read this post, and who struggle with any of these issues, to please know that you are not the only ones. I have been through some very dark times, most of them when my children were all still very young and at home, and I can relate to where you are today. And I can certainly assure you that you are not the only mom who has had to fight to keep your head above water while the depression is trying to hold you under until you give up the battle.

Mental health issues are still somewhat taboo in our society and I believe even more so in Christian circles. People who would never dream of telling you not to take medication for an insulin imbalance will quite happily and with no qualms tell you that you should not take medication for panic, anxiety, depression and other mental problems that are caused by chemical imbalances. Reality check here...we are talking about true depression and not just a case of the "blahs," which is a completely different story.

I would love to help any of you younger moms who suffer from this illness. Stop by or email for support anytime, talk about what is going on in your life, or share your thoughts and feelings about treatment plans. God is faithful, and He WILL see you through, but it helps so much to find another homeschool mom who has been through this frightening illness.

Most of all, I want to convey to you that you are not alone. For feeling alone through this nasty disease is the most depressing thing of all. I know...I've been through it all...