Writing from My Heart

10/25/2009

I'd Rather Fall Asleep Laughing with You Than Alone in a Dark Room

Even if it means I don't get a lot of sleep. I thought about this after I said goodnight to a long time friend over webcam. The night before I stayed up till 2:30 in the morning talking, laughing, and discussing with him. Last night I stayed up again with my friend. Both following days were busy and my lack of sleep showed, but I was happy. As I heard it said, "You're gonna die at some point so why not go out doing something you love." My cause of death is going to be "exaustion" because I was too busy being with friends and family. I hope that's on my grave stone.
I asked myself what makes this friend of mine so great that I feel this way. I think it's because he makes me feel Human. I'm able to relax around him. I don't have to put a facade for him I'm more real to him than other people in my church or school. That's amazing to me, because this friend, I've never met. The closest I've come to meeting him is the webcam.
We play with the idea of meeting, but it's not gonna happen anytime soon. Until then, he'll continue to be my best friend. I'll continue to be real to him. He is my brother.

As I was writing this I was flood with the thought that recently I hadn’t been real to my friend. Just one instance, but it was recent and I felt bad for hiding myself from him. I thought about it at the time and decided to ignore the thought.
I was mad at my mom and I was even more mad at what I’d just said to my mom. We’ve never had a real argument but that day we did and both of us left crying. I went back downstairs to my computer where I had been talking with my friend on webcam. I didn’t know I’d be gone long so I just told him I’d be right back and left the mic and webcam running. When I came back I walked behind the camera, picked it up and told my sister to hold it out of the way meanwhile I’m closing the webcam and turning the mic off. I still IMed my friend and he talked to me about what just happened, but I was still crying and I didn’t want him to see that.
Before we started to use the webcam, yeah I’d cried “in his presence” before, but it was only my text he could see. He never knew I was actually crying at my desk.

A year or two ago I struggled with my emotional side. I am my mother’s daughter. I cry at the drop of a hat. During that time I didn’t want to be emotional. I didn’t want people to see me cry. Crying meant there was something wrong and I didn’t want to do it. I wanted everyone to think I was ok and they did. I got to a point where if I couldn’t avoid crying I could almost always find some excuse to leave the room. Then I’d find somewhere quiet and alone to cry till my face wasn’t so red and my eye stopped watering, but I also had to monitor my thoughts. If I thought about what made me cry in the first place then I’d start crying again.
But I found a release from this and found out it’s ok to cry and it’s even ok to let people see you cry. It took a while, but now I’m ok with crying in public, or at least I thought I was.
Sitting in the den of my parents’ house crying because of a fight I had with my mom, my brother and sister within sight, and I turn off the webcam because I didn’t want my friend in another state to see. I told myself if he asked why I turned the camera off I’d tell him, but he did ask and I made up some lame excuse about not being up for the webcam. I don’t even remember now what I said.
We talked through my issue and I kept getting this nagging feeling in my stomach, “You’ve never spared any details when it came to telling him your problems, why now? Why this?” The only thing I could come up with was a sarcastic response, “Yeah, I must look real attractive. Puffy red face, wet cheeks, watering eyes, runny nose. I’m sure he wants to see that.” And that was my excuse, but I hated it.

I’m sorry for the façade I wore. Please forgive me.

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8/30/2009

Exert from My Prayer Journal (part 2)

August 30, 2009, 9:53 PM
Daddy.
Daddy, please. I give up. I’ve been trying to do things my own way and it isn’t working. I’m tired and unmotivated. I’ve lost sight of where you’re telling me to go. You’ve been setting this up for a long while now. I see that now. Daddy, I’m coming back to you. I need your help. These songs we’ve been singing, Hosanna, We Cry Out…
Daddy, I’m crying out now. I’m crying out to you. Tell me where to go and what to do. Everything’s coming to a point where I can end my school, I can end my rent, I can end my job, if that’s where you want me, but I don’t know if that’s where you want me.

Father of life, seated on your throne of grace
It’s only by your mercy we are saved
Lord you have said, if we call upon your name,
We and our families will be saved

So we cry, out your name
El Shaddai, God of grace
Lord, most high, Jesus Christ
We rely on your grace
Adonai, crowned in praise
Lord, most high, Jesus Christ

Father of love never failing to forgive
Each moment is a gift from you to me
We’re only here to tell the world about your grace
Until the day when you take us all away

We will cry, out your name
El Shaddai, God of grace
Lord, most high, Jesus Christ
We rely on your grace
Adonai, crowned in praise
Lord, most high, Jesus Christ

So we cry, out your name
El Shaddai, God of grace
Lord, most high, Jesus Christ
We rely on your grace
Adonai, crowned in praise
Lord, most high, Jesus Christ

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

All of this in conjunction with what Jeff said and mom’s…change of heart, I may not have a definite answer now, but I feel like I’m closer to one. Thank you so much Daddy. I’ll get better.

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7/8/2009

There’s a Hole in my Bucket

I’ve heard 2 different versions of this song. Version A: made Liza sound like a spoiled brat ordering Henry around, while Henry seems to have sensibly thought through this bucket issue and found no exit. Version B: makes Henry sound either autistic or moronic and can’t figure out what to do about this stinkin’ hole in his bucket. While Liza is more than a little bit naïve in telling the moron what how to fix his bucket which has no fix. I hope I have portrayed neither Henry nor Liza as autistic, moronic, naïve, or spoiled.

L: Henry!
H: Yes Liza?
L: You fetch the water?
H: Go fetch the water?
H: There’s a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza. There’s a hole in the bucket dear Liza a hole.
L: Well fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry. Well fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry fix it.
H: With what shall I fix it, dear Liza, dear Liza? With what shall I fix it, dear Liza, with what?
L: With straw dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry. With straw dear Henry dear Henry, with straw.
H: But the straw is too long dear Liza, dear Liza. But the straw is too long dear Liza, too long.
L: So cut it dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry. So cut it dear Henry, dear Henry, cut it.
H: With what shall I cut it dear Liza, dear Liza? With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, with what?
L: With an axe, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry. With an axe, dear Henry, dear Henry, an axe.
H: The axe is too dull, dear Liza, dear Liza. The axe is too dull, dear Liza, too dull.
L: Sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry. Sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, sharpen it.
H: On what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza, dear Liza? On what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza, on what?
L: On a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry. On a stone dear Henry, dear Henry, a stone
H: The stone is too dry, dear Liza, dear Liza. The stone is too dry, dear Liza, too dry.
L: Then wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry. Then wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, wet it.
H: With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, dear Liza? With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, with what?
L: With water, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry. With water, dear Henry, dear Henry, water.
H: In what shall I fetch it, dear Liza, dear Liza? In what shall I fetch it, dear Liza, in what?
L: In a bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry. In a bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry, a bucket.
H: There’s a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza. There’s a hole in the bucket dear Liza a hole

    Ever have just a completely random thought run through your head? I have them all the time and sometimes the next thought that runs through my head is “where in the world did that come from?!” Then again, sometimes the random thought leads to another thought and to another thought and before long the thought runs through my head, “How did I get here?” I retrace my thoughts back to that one random thought and realize it wasn’t random at all, but a planted seed. Strange things happen like that, even among those entertained seeds, some grow into helpful plants, but most grow into weeds that are quickly pulled up and burned.
    Well, one night I was working around my apartment cleaning up and I started singing There’s a Hole in My Bucket. Why? I don’t know. I think my next thought was “I wonder if there’s some spiritual significance to that song…” and guess what. I found it!
    Like most people, I can’t say I’ve actually heard God’s voice in a conversation, but sometimes I feel like the thoughts going through my head aren’t my own.
    Oh! So that’s where all this came from! God was singing about the hole in his bucket and somehow the song got stuck in my head! Ok, so maybe not, but it’s an entertaining thought. Anyway, see if this sounds familiar:

G: Hey Rachel, I need you to do something for me.
R: Yeah, what’s up?
G: I’ve got these kids that need help.
R: What do you want to do about it?
G: Well, I want to get them some help.
R: Ok, where are you gonna find some help?
G: I want you to help them.
R: Me? Why me?
G: Because you’re good at this sorta thing.
R: I don’t know. I’ve never done this before.
G: Neither has anyone else.
R: So, how do you know I can do it?
G: Well, you won’t be alone. I’ll be helping you.
R: But I’m only 1 person
G: With God on your side
R: Ok, that makes 2 of us. How many kids do you want me to help?
G: As many as you can.
R: Uh…Ok. So, I’ll help. How am I-
G: We
R: How are we going to help them?
G: Well, you see these kids can’t hear. So we need to give them someone who will always be there to help them hear.
R: Ok…so you want me to find someone to help deaf kids hear…24/7?
G: Yes.
R: Who’s gonna do that?
G: A dog.
R: Ok, so you want me to train hearing-ear dogs for kids who can’t hear?
G: Right.
R: Ok, so how do I train these dogs?
G: I’ll show you.
*silent pause*
R: Ok…when will you show me?
G: In time…
R: What time?
G: When you’re ready.
R: Ok…so what do I do until then?
G: Work on it.
R: What’s “it“?
G: Your skills, things that will help you along the way. When you need help I’ll be there to point the way.
R: You’re being very generic.
G: Well, if I laid out all the details right here right now you’d never get anything done because you’d be trying to do everything at once.
R: True. Ok, so, where do I start.
*G hands over book*
G: Here.
R: And where do I go when I finish this?
*G slaps hand on face*
G: Don’t worry about it. I’ll tell you when you get there.

    Ever feel like God’s running you in circles? Feel like you keep asking the same question over and over again with no answer? Or an answer you don’t understand or don’t like?
    The youth did an exercise a while back. We were asked “if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?” Most of the responses that were gathered said things like “I wish I didn’t question God” and “I wish I had more faith in God” “I wish I didn’t doubt God.” All fine and dandy, but mine. Hehe. My wish was that I didn’t have glasses. The reason I chose that is another sermon entirely, but the reason I didn’t choose to change how I react to God is that I’m happy questioning what God tells me. It means I’m still hearing God. I don’t want to change my doubt in God, because it means there’s still someone out there who knows more than I do. I don’t want to automatically have more faith in God, because I enjoy the journey getting there, no matter how many circles I run in.
    So, here’s how it works, in my mind at least, God asks you to do something, we ask questions, lots of questions, get really confused and ask more questions, but for every question we have God has an answer, liked or not, understood or not. In the end we give up asking questions and say, “Alright God, what do I do now?” And he tells us what we need to know, right now.

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6/22/2009

One more Daddy Update

I don't know how many people are keeping up with my updates on my dad, but thanks to all for the love and prayers.
Dad's recovery from the surgery is going great. He's up to 50 weight bearing on his hip and is returning to work part time this week. He's happy to be on the mend finally. He said a couple weeks ago that not only was the severe pain he'd been feeling for some 9 months was gone, but he didn't feel any pain at all. Now all he has to do is wait for his broken femur to heal.

Author's note: please pardon spelling mistakes. My keyboard is messed up.

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3/10/2009

Daddy Update

Please be in prayer for my dad. Since the motorcycle wreck he's been slowly, but surely making progress relearning how to walk. Some days he leaves his cane at home and forgets about it, but sometimes he needs it to make it to the bathroom and back. He recently went to the doctor and thy said that he's going to need a complete hip replacement within the next year if not in the next few months.

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11/25/2008

My Death Predicted

Scary title, huh? Well, it's came true. And jsut to set the record straight, I'm not dead...yet.

If you read my past few entries you know that at the beginning of Aug. my dad and I had a motorcycle wreck on our way to work. If you haven't read the last few entries then this one probably won't make a whole lot of sense and it might benefit you to go back and read some.

2:00 am, earlier that morning, a friend of the family wakes up after having a dream that he was at the funeral for my dad and me. Cause of death: 2 counts of vehicular homicide. This friend kneels at his bed and prays his heart out not to let this dream become a reality.

So, roughly speaking, 7:00 am. My dad and I are laying on the side of the road waiting for an amblence to get to the site of the accident.

Noon. My dad is taken to a more equipped hospital for emergency hip surgery. He's in a lot of pain, but will live.

5:00 pm, the evening of the accident. I'm wheeled out of the hospital with crutches at my side and frustration in my head that I'm too shaken up to eat anything solid.

After church the next Sunday. Our friend tells mom the whole dream ordeal and we feel even more blessed to be alive and to have such good friends that don't wait till they get up at 7:30 to pray for us.

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10/30/2008

Practice Makes Perfect, well, not yet

If you've read my last entry you know that beginning Aug. my dad and I were in a motorcycle wreck. I wasn't hurt too badly and returned to full work load in 2 weeks, but dad is only doing part time work because he has to under-go physical therapy for the 6 breaks in his hip.

Well, today dad went to the doctor to see how he was was progressing and hopefully to see if he could get rid of his crutches and wheel chair. Well, me, having gone back to work full time was at work and, nonetheless, was in a meeting when dad called to give me the results of his doctor's visit. Unfortnately I didn't want to leave the meeting so I didn't answer. As soon the meeting was over I called him back to see what he wanted.

Daddy got off the crutches! YAY! He still has a cane to use if he needs, but the doctor said he can do whatever he needs to as long as it doesn't hurt. (that last part's important)
However, dad has taken that to mean that he can do anything. He says it doesn't hurt so it must be ok. I'm worried about it hurting tomorrow. Fathers, they just don't listen.

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8/28/2008

Train Wreck...or at least a Motorcycle Wreck

Ok, so my life's been a little weird lately. 3 weeks and 2 days ago my dad and I were on our way to work one morning, riding the motorcycle like normal when a pickup pulled out in front of us. (I would like to know what the pickup driver was thinking) I didn't know what was happening at the time. I felt dad brakeing real hard and start to look up to see what what going on, but before I could we hit something and all the sudden I feel something hit my head and then again and again. The next thing I remember is rolling on the grass. Eventually I stopped, laying on the ground facing the sky I knew what had happened. I'd been in a car wreck. My next thought was my leg is in an odd position and it hurts. So I slowly straightened my leg out. My next thought was dad. I never saw what happened. I never felt me hit him. I didn't know what happened to him so I tried to find him. Slowly I sat up on one elbow. Every inch of my body felt like it'd been through a trash compactor. I didn't really hurt, but everything felt tight. While I was up I saw the truck we ran into(though I didn't know it at the time) a few yards away and dad was about 30 feet away.

It was only then that I remembered my first aid training and knew that I needed to lay back down. So I did. The man we hit stopped and called 911. Before long the ambulance arrived. They got me into the ambulance first and a few minutes later they got dad in. I could tell then that he was hurt a lot worse than I was. We were taken to the closest hospital's ER unit and put in separate rooms. For the longest time I never saw dad. Course with the neck brace on all I could see was the ceiling.

It seemed like forever went by while they were taking x-rays, CT scans, getting information, etc. But I do know that it was pretty quick that mom got to the hospital. I stayed in the ER from about 7:30 am to 5:00 pm. During this time we quickly found out that I was in too much shock to eat anything solid(thus my changing clothes twice because I got sick on myself. not my favorite part). Numorous people from church came to visit me and stayed with me while mom was with dad. Eventually I got discharged and mom, one of the ladies from church and I went home, but not before stopping at a McDonalds to get me a shake. Up to that point the only thing that I had managed to keep down.

So, mom dropped me off at home where my aunt was waiting. Then mom and the lady from church went to see dad who'd been transfered to another hospital when he was awaiting hip surgery.

After that I spent many days sitting watching TV, because I had a torn ligiment in my knee and couldn't walk. Dad ended up haveing his hip completely reconstructed. He's not allowed to put any pressure on it for 2 months. Right now he's using a walker to get around where he NEEDS to. I've returned to work with a brace on my knee and a little difficulty kneeling and squating, but no major problems. Dad's spent 2 weeks in a rehab hospital and just came home yesterday. It's good to have him back, even if he can't quite walk yet.

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7/13/2008

Do You Need God?

7/13/08 5:59 pm

Need the Lord,
I had a thought a while ago. Someone posed the question to me "Would it hurt anyone if they didn't believe?" I started thinking about what it'd feel like if I didn't believe and I got scared. I don't scare that easily. The only time I'm scared is when I worry about something or someone. A friend posted a message on myspace desparatly asking for prayer. That kept me up till 4 am crying and praying and worrying. That scared me. I start college soon and paying for it is more than I can afford. That kept me worried and sick to my stomache for a long time. I was scared for my future and everything I wanted. But this, this that I felt about not being with God I was scared for my life.
Maybe God is a safety net or a crutch, but if it keeps my head above water I'm willing to trust it. I've seen nothing else that might even come close to providing the comfort and joy that my God does. It doesn't exist. Nothing else in the universe can provide what I've felt and experienced.

It does hurt people not to believe, but you don't know that until you've lived with God.

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4/29/2008

God Moved

4/27/08 7:29 pm
For several months now God's been dealing with me about showing my spirituality in front of my parents. I knew it shouldn't be a problem, but for some reason I was ashamed. The past few weeks God's been dealing with me on asking for prayer and going to the alter. Today that came to an end.
8 weeks ago now I sprained my ankle and God wanted me to go to one of the prayer team and ask for healing, but I didn't want to. I was scared or ashamed or something like that. Maybe it was the fact that I don't like asking for help or who knows, but either way I kept making excuses not to go and I felt really guilty doing so.
Today church started as normal singing (we introduced a new song and I think everyone loved the song), prayer, then pastor had a skit performed. The skit was on defending your faith. It started with a professor talking to his class on why God isn't real. He takes a few questions and dismisses class. One of the students comes up to him afterward and asks, "What if you're wrong?" The teacher quickly shies away.
The students are left miming to a song by Nicole Nordeman. In the drama one student (the believer) leads another to Christ then the students pack up and leave. The professor comes back to clean his stuff up and finds the open Bible and starts reading and gets saved. Then the believer comes looking for his Bible and finds the professor crying. They exchange some words and he lets the professor keep the Bible. And they all walk off stage.
Afterwards Jason read the blog he wrote "What if you're right?" That's pretty much what started the chain reaction because after that pastor gave an alter invitation. I sat in my pew wrestling with God. I confessed the doubts I was having, I asked for forgiveness, and God told me to go to the alter. I didn't want to. I don't like the alter. I told God that and begged him to not make me go.
I quickly realized that I wouldn't have peace until I went, so I got up and went. Once I was at the alter I cried even harder. I prayed and told God that I was scared and uncomfortable. God calmed me down saying that, "If you're comfortable, what are you doing for Me?" That's all He wanted, obedience.
Mom and two other ladies came and prayed with me. At first it made me up tight, but I calmed down and was ok. When we were done praying one of the ladies asked if I wanted to talk about what I was dealing with. I told her I would be alright and I honestly mean that. I'll be ok.
Then I hunter for some Kleenex and went on stage to play. We played an old song while others were still praying. After a while we changed to the new song. I felt like dancing during this service but there weren't any songs I knew on the list. And with everyone at the alter still it probably wouldn't have been a good time to dance anyway.
After everyone was done praying pastor asked for testimonies. A lot of the youth gave theirs. I did.
Also, a little funny part, when one of the men was testifying he apologized for his wife standing on the pew so she could reach one of the taller youth to pray with him.
Thank You Daddy.

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12/13/2007

The story behind the poem

I've gotten several comments on the last poem so I decided to post the story behind the inspiration.

I took notes in church this morning. I wrote a poem. The pastor said he saw something that made him wonder "what was wrong with the church." This statement reminded me of 2 IM conversations I had a while back.

These 2 conversations take place within a few minutes of each other, but are worlds a part. One, the earlier conversation, takes place between me and a head -strong, outspoken Christian. The second took place between me and a patient Athiest.

Which conversation made the biggest impact on me, do you think? Actually if it wasn't for both in so close a time period neither would have meant much. Together both meant a great deal, for better or worse.

The first conversation started ok. We asked each other how we were doing. I told him that I wasn't feeling well. He declared that God could heal me.
I told him that I was feeling better than I had been.
He reiterated God could heal me, adding "right now."
I told him I knew that, and that I'd prayed for healing and God would heal me in his own time.
He insisted I be healed right this second or be disregarded for my lack of faith.
After calling me a sinner and begging me to ask forgiveness, he disregarded me. Telling me I was a "waste of time" and that I should leave him "alone with his King." I closed the IM box and thought about what he said.

His mission was accomplished. I doubted my faith.

I looked at my buddy list to see if anyone else was online and I opened a window to someone else.
By this time it was late and I was tired, sick, and depressed.
The guy I was about to IM had a reputation for leaving his IM on when he wasn't at that computer. It never crossed my mind that I might go to bed even more depressed than before if he didn't answer. I just wanted someone to talk to.
God knew my sorrow and gave me joy. He was at his computer
We only talked for a short while. We talked about music and he said he hoped I felt better soon and I went to bed.

I went to bed feeling better than I had since I got sick and I slept well that night.

Jesus' followers in Corinth were the first to be called "Christians" or "little Christs." An over-zealous Christian vs. a kind Athiest, who is more like Christ?

At the time of these conversations I thought it a little strage, but nothing more. Since then they've come to my mind on more than one occation. Maybe now I've figured out why. It blows me away how these exchanges go about. What is wrong with the church?

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8/29/2007

Not going as planned

I had a nice blog post planned for my first entry, but now, in the past 3 weeks, 4 people have died from my church, 1 person cured of cancer, 1 A/C unit fixed without a mechanic, 1 man having tests done to see if he has cancer, and 1 man have his cancer return, things have turned a little weird.
Just over 3 weeks ago our church started a prayer emphasis and now the devil is doing everything to tare us down. Please remember our church in your prayers.

Thank you
and God Bless

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About Me

What happens when a writer quits writing? Well, if they write for money, then they find another source of income, but if they write for a purpose other than the obvious then something happens that can't be explained. Writing is how God speaks to me and through me. Life, love, and why. Family, friends, and school.