|
Writing from My Heart
10/25/2009
I'd Rather Fall Asleep Laughing with You Than Alone in a Dark Room
Even if it means I don't get a lot of sleep. I thought about this after I said goodnight to a long time friend over webcam. The night before I stayed up till 2:30 in the morning talking, laughing, and discussing with him. Last night I stayed up again with my friend. Both following days were busy and my lack of sleep showed, but I was happy. As I heard it said, "You're gonna die at some point so why not go out doing something you love." My cause of death is going to be "exaustion" because I was too busy being with friends and family. I hope that's on my grave stone.
I asked myself what makes this friend of mine so great that I feel this way. I think it's because he makes me feel Human. I'm able to relax around him. I don't have to put a facade for him I'm more real to him than other people in my church or school. That's amazing to me, because this friend, I've never met. The closest I've come to meeting him is the webcam.
We play with the idea of meeting, but it's not gonna happen anytime soon. Until then, he'll continue to be my best friend. I'll continue to be real to him. He is my brother.
As I was writing this I was flood with the thought that recently I hadn’t been real to my friend. Just one instance, but it was recent and I felt bad for hiding myself from him. I thought about it at the time and decided to ignore the thought.
I was mad at my mom and I was even more mad at what I’d just said to my mom. We’ve never had a real argument but that day we did and both of us left crying. I went back downstairs to my computer where I had been talking with my friend on webcam. I didn’t know I’d be gone long so I just told him I’d be right back and left the mic and webcam running. When I came back I walked behind the camera, picked it up and told my sister to hold it out of the way meanwhile I’m closing the webcam and turning the mic off. I still IMed my friend and he talked to me about what just happened, but I was still crying and I didn’t want him to see that.
Before we started to use the webcam, yeah I’d cried “in his presence” before, but it was only my text he could see. He never knew I was actually crying at my desk.
A year or two ago I struggled with my emotional side. I am my mother’s daughter. I cry at the drop of a hat. During that time I didn’t want to be emotional. I didn’t want people to see me cry. Crying meant there was something wrong and I didn’t want to do it. I wanted everyone to think I was ok and they did. I got to a point where if I couldn’t avoid crying I could almost always find some excuse to leave the room. Then I’d find somewhere quiet and alone to cry till my face wasn’t so red and my eye stopped watering, but I also had to monitor my thoughts. If I thought about what made me cry in the first place then I’d start crying again.
But I found a release from this and found out it’s ok to cry and it’s even ok to let people see you cry. It took a while, but now I’m ok with crying in public, or at least I thought I was.
Sitting in the den of my parents’ house crying because of a fight I had with my mom, my brother and sister within sight, and I turn off the webcam because I didn’t want my friend in another state to see. I told myself if he asked why I turned the camera off I’d tell him, but he did ask and I made up some lame excuse about not being up for the webcam. I don’t even remember now what I said.
We talked through my issue and I kept getting this nagging feeling in my stomach, “You’ve never spared any details when it came to telling him your problems, why now? Why this?” The only thing I could come up with was a sarcastic response, “Yeah, I must look real attractive. Puffy red face, wet cheeks, watering eyes, runny nose. I’m sure he wants to see that.” And that was my excuse, but I hated it.
I’m sorry for the façade I wore. Please forgive me. |
| Post A Comment! Send to a Friend!
|
Comments
|
|
|
|
