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If I'm going to be honest throughout the course of writing this blog, I must include times of what I call my "funk". It revolves around feeling as though I'm failing with my children....in school and in everything else. These cycles come usually two or three times during the course of a school year and can be triggered by any number of things. I go through feelings that I know within my heart are not true but are there just the same. I put undo stress upon my children during these times, as well. My latest cycle started about two weeks ago when I got on the forum for the currciulum that we use. I began reading about the teaching ideas of other moms and reviewing the days that they were logging and the topics of discovery that they were covering. Whoa! Their days looked nothing like mine! We were struggling just to cover the main ideas, yet they were developing websites from the work of their children! I felt pretty good about myself when my children made salt dough maps of the Nile River, but there were mothers on this forum with pictures of "Ancient Egyptian Museums" that were all crafted items from that time period that their children had created. Oh my. We weren't doing nearly enough! From there I began applying pressure on myself. More research, more planning, more time spent on crafted items......that would be the answer. In essence, what this meant was more pressure applied to my children. Slowly but surely I crept back into a pressured school day. "Do this, then do this, and then do this, and this, and this!" Surely more work means smarter kids. Surely more pressure from mom will do the trick. No leisurely time. No hours for pleasure. Just school and more school......and it's just too bad if they don't enjoy it! Before I even realize it, I'm in a "funk" of a mood. Nothing is good enough. Words of praise are few and far between. I'm not really in a bad mood, I'm just very driven and determined. Nothing can stand in the way of school - even if it's just busywork that doesn't accomplish much. Truly there's nothing wrong with being driven and determined. Those are obviously great characteristics. However, I have felt the Lord drawing me into a more relaxed and positive "gentle art of learning" for some time now. Charlotte Mason has been the google of choice for several months on my home computer. But I must admit that it's a fight within myself to stay within those more gentle ways of teaching. I fight the competitiveness within me. I constantly fight wanting my children to be the best, the smartest, the ones to answer all the questions, the ones to someday score the highest on the ACTs, the ones who act the most godly......all the best. Again, all of us want the best for our children, but at times like this I realize that I've gotten my way of thinking completely out of sync with God's plan for their lives. I began to ask myself the bottom-line reason that I feel this way and for me it's come down to pride (also known as competitiveness) and fear of failure. - coupled with not enough trust in the Lord that I serve. If my children answer all the questions and score the highest on the tests and act the most godly, in some selfish way I feel like it reflects very well on ME. "Look what a great job training and teaching them I've done" would be ever-flowing through my head. (I'm just getting gut-honest here.) And on the flip side, if they're not the best or the smartest, then somehow I've failed them. I begin to hear the "They'd be better off in public school" in my head. Now on to TRUST.....I've always been very goal-oriented and figured out ways to reach the goals that I set. I've realized over the last few weeks that I have many preconceived ideas and goals set for my children and I'll do everything I can to make sure that they reach them. These are great goals, in essence, and great ideas....very noble and godly....but I'm realizing that I've put myself way too in charge of reaching them. God is showing me clearly to let Him lead - to only be the vessel that He uses to teach them.....to only say what I'm certain that He's laid upon my heart for them....to calm down and seek Him first......to TRUST Him to provide for them, to nurture them, to grow them, and to make them into the people HE wants them to be. My goals are not necessarily HIS goals. And His goals will turn out much better. He's urging me to die to my own preconceived ideas for my children and let Him draw the pictures of their lives. He longs to use the very finest paints and oils to paint their future.....where my pictures would look like watercolor next to His. I always come out of the funk by getting in the Truth of God's Word. Galatians 5:1 says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened AGAIN by a yoke of slavery." (emphasis mine) I long to be free from this funk, this deceptive way of thinking....."more work means smarter kids.....more demanding mom means more well-behaved and godly children.....my children must be first and best." Even writing that sounds crazy, but it's how I think when I get in this "slavery" way of thinking. Christ died to set me free of slavery and bondage. That doesn't take away my responsibility to teaching them as He has called me, but it gives me freedom in knowing that He has their best interests in mind.....He has created them with a unique personality....He knows what style of teaching is best for them. I am only the vessel....only the vessel. |
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Posted by Anonymous
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