First sentences are always the worst. You sit and stare down at the happy little keyboard grinning up at you; you crack your knuckles and then instantly regret it; your head spins because there is so much seething around inside of you, trying to get out and prove something to all those people who innocently stumbled upon your bit of cyber-territory...and then horror swells up and conquers every other reeling emotion because you have come to a very dangerous conclusion: you have absolutely no idea how to start your post out. This is very often the case with me. I know what I want to say, I can't wait to say it, and then I traipse off disappointed because the first sentence simply refused me. Tragic, no? Heh. In my opinion, people should start their blogposts backwards and work their way to the beginning. Think Alice-In-Wonderland-Format; someone should copyright that and put it to good use.
   It's sad how many people bypass God's fulfillment in the process of chasing after their ridiculous ideals. If we are so dead-set on reaching our own man-made goals, why do we strut around claiming to be a vessel for God's perfect plan? We can't see His urgings through the murk of our own standards! We make plans, we ignore open doors because we are still trying to tug some other door open by ourselves, we put all our effort into what we want to focus on rather than what God is whispering for us to do, to think, to become. We fail to reach our insane goals and then beat ourlseves up because arrogance snarls into our ears, "You just aren't good enough. What a terrible person you are! Stop trying, it's no use." Then we pay attention to the Spirit of God, the quiet presence that has been there all along, and we come to realize who we are and who we can become through God's mighty hand. Arrogance and despair literally run screaming. In their place surges joy, purpose, self-worth; life suddenly snaps into a fresh perspective. This is sort of what has been going on with me during this long, sad elusivity. The only way to become filled with God is to empty yourself of yourself. Sound easy? A divine smack-down is perhaps the hardest thing we can go through because as piddling little humans, we are forever straying from God's will to find a reality outside of His absolute truths. We want to rule our own existence, be the lord of our own lives. Big mistake, peoples. Base nature takes you down a shadowed path and danger lurks at every bend. Don't keep convincing yourself that you'll be alright, that a little sin is okay, that God's grace is sufficient for any rotten thing you might do in the meanwhile. "Oh, He'll forgive me because He's so good and anyway, I'm not that bad of a person. *nervous laughter* Right, guys?" [insert chirping crickets] In my personal experience, this is too often the little game we play with ourselves. Pretty sad, huh?
   Now, dear Reader leans back in their chair and peer skeptically at the computer screen, wondering why this strange person always charges into her bit of cyberspace like this, ranting and railing about this that 'n the other. Wanna know why? I cannot contain it. If God has given you something to say, SAY IT. Don't hide your light just because you fear sounding like an idiot or making a fool of yourself. Yes, random person, I am talking to YOU.
   *contented sigh* Now that I have that said, here's what's been happenin'.
   Our internet upstairs has been turned off, and I must admit to feeling very...unshackled. I was throwing the wrong impressions of myself out to total strangers, putting too much of my energy into the wrong things. Now that I have stepped back to see what I'd been missing this past year, everything I'd let slip and all those convictions that had gotten weaker instead of stronger, I am thankful for the experience, hard a lesson as it was to learn. I feel more capable of facing other things, having that difficult time under my belt. Not continually being on the internet has allowed me to spend more time with my precious family, throw myself into my beloved writing with a new fervor, consider options for new dreams that I would never have thought about otherwise. I am sitting cross-legged in Momsie's big stuffed rocking chair, typing on her laptop and feeling a giggling autumn breeze tickle the back of my neck from the open window. 'Glad' is playing and we're having cold pizza for lunch. Life is good, no?
   The week before last, we were blessed with the crazy opportunity of going on a weeklong vacation to Orlando, Florida. Dadsy had a business trip with the company he worked with, and financial resources were such that we were able to get five day tickets to all the Disney theme parks. Bewildered at the mere size and bravely facing the horrendous waiting lines and 90-degree weather, Momsie and the Girls and I bashed around every inch of every park [exlcuding Animal Kingdom, since we have a zoo somewhere nearby our own house] and had the time of our lives. Thankfully, we had a master plan copied from a guide to the parks we had purchased several weeks in advance, and were able to avoid most of the crushing crowds and general lost-ness. Being natural tourists and favoring wild laughter on the rollercoasters as opposed to terrified shrieking, we did almost everything there was to do. Dadsy got a half-day ticket on Friday, the last day we were there, and we ended our vacation with a kick, roaming around Magic Kingdom at night while the fireworks popped over our heads, feasting on crazy-big roasted turkey legs and slushies [!!!], unable to contain our smiles. I even had coffee MWAHAHAHA okay sorry. It was so much fun! Momsie took a ton of pictures, almost 300 if I'm not mistaken. On Saturday, however, we were spent and decided to brave the long road from Orlando to our tiny-town 11 hours away, on the same day. Stopping at a gas station in Georgia, we were startled to find the temps dropped down into the 40s! Talk about shock! It was freezing when we finally got home at 2:15 in the morning and we all developed sore throats and coughs. I don't care; it was worth it. This past week, we waded through school despite our maladies, and actually did very well all things considered.  I was informed that I am now one-fourth of the way through my entire school year. The weather in our absence had tossed all our surrounding woods into a fair miasma of autumnal colors and the temps have remained around a comfy 70s.
   Several noteworthy events have occured since my most recent, rather sad post. If you find any of this a repeat, rest assured that this coverage is much more positive than the information found in its predecessor.
   For starters, I was admitted into a traveling theatre troup at the local college called the Jack Tale Players. We act out the folk tales of the Appalachians, most of the scripts written by our director who also happens to be a Ph.D. in theatre, and we perform them at schools, churches, libraries and folk festivals. Sofar we've had two performances that went very well. The work is rewarding because I love performing, and the Girls like hearing me rattle about the rehearsals. I recently got somewhat of a stunning piece of news; the director wants me to play the main character, Jack. *squeak* Jack has a lot of lines. *another squeak* I dearly hope my role won't be switched with someone else at the last moment, but nevertheless, Momsie said that the practice of memorization is never wasted. I have been plunking away at the lines all week and confidence has only now descended. Even if something happens and I can't play Jack, it was glorious fun grappling with the role at the time. I was basically given around three minutes during that rehearsal to learn the first part and though I fumbled quite a bit, the part is delicious to wrap one's mind around and I enjoyed myself greatly.
   The library has an annual speech class and guess who's joining it. Yours truly, facing the 'firing squad of audience eyeballs'. The two classes I have sofar attended have gone well, much better than last year, and I was even asked to be the big cheese for the most recent one. They called me ''Madam Toastmaster.' Toastmaster's Speechcraft...I wonder how in the world they came up with that title. What does toast have to do with public speaking? Something to think about.
   It's hard to explain this next bit because it envelops so much of my thought. You might recall me speaking about my novelinprogress, 'Wizard', from the recent posts. Well, dear Reader, I finished my beloved novel yesterday. 130K in under four months, bigger than any other novel I've attempted sofar. It was so strange, typing the epilogue to the end, because that book has literally been my consumption ever since I started it back in July. I woke up thinking about it, I went to bed worrying over it, I dreamt about it and filled page after page of my notebooks with things I had to convey, phrases that sounded purty, mental images that whole chapters centered around. The material was probably the hardest and most bittersweet I've had to bang out ever since I began writing around five years ago. But I think finishing my precious novel gave me a sensation of quiet triumph. I allowed God to guide it and it became a defiance against other books in its genre, other darker temptations that have recently tried to pull my writing into an evil rut. I literally could not stop writing as I neared the end; I hurried through everything else so that I could go and write, and I would lock myself up in my bedroom for hours, completing sometimes over 6K in one afternoon. The victory of finishing it has given me joy, but my heart was physically aching when I finally packed Pussy Willow [my laptop] away. So much of my soul has gone into 'Wizard', and now that it's finished, it's like '...what now? ' It felt so strange, not having another chapter to mess with this morning. I don't regret writing a word of it, though. Everything held conviction and a manifestation of my own struggles during the time of the writing. I see now however that the title of the book is actually contradictory to several remarks my kids [characters] made in it. The title isn't wrong but it's not straightforward and immediately gives people the wrong impression of its content. I believe that, should my novel ever be published [*smirks*], it would have to bear another title despite my incredulity regarding it being called anything else.
   The answer to my borderline remorseness over the lack of something to write will, hopefully, be amended by NaNoWriMo. Yup, I'm still going to seal my doom *coughs* uh, I mean attempt it. Considering I have been known to bang out 9K in a single day, NaNo should be small potatoes. As far as I know, the book for November is about a very dear character I have had almost ever since I began writing, Saffron [stop laughing at his name, I refuse to change it] and his history, from sometime around his preteen years up to present day. He was abused as a child, ran off into the inner city and joined a bloodthirsty gang that preyed upon the fading light of sidewalk ministries and street preachers, got fed up with his existence to the point of suicide and then experienced God in a very powerful way. The events preceeding his conversion draw a very thin parellel between the conversion of Paul; I think Saffron was a bystander to the violence of his gang towards some preacher or something. The basis of the novel is mainly about his gentle yearning for a delicate young woman and her protective father, the willingless Saffron has to improve his life in hopes of proving the depth of his love to the young woman, their tender courtship and eventual marriage after the woman's father gives his consent, and then the struggles the new couple face after their decision to start an outreach center for the 'scum of the asphalt' while being oppressed by the consequences of Saffron's life-changing decision to become the victim of those he used to encourage, the persecuted rather than the one doing the persecuting. The novel reaches through a ton of material and I am insanely excited to write it; Saffron, who appeared in several previous works of mine which have also undergone some changes, is a multi-layered character with a quiet strength about his faith. Since the novel covers so much time, I may find myself having to do that annoying thing we authors so often resort to: 'So'nSo Years Later'. Gah! Just when I have gotten used to describing almost every moment of every day! *grins* But the novel will be powerful, I hope, and I am eager to see where God leads me with it.
   Good grief, this post is entirely too long. It should last you until I bombard you again. Go and have a laughing fit.

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Comments

Oct. 24, 2009 - Untitled Comment

Written by Anonymous

Well! It's good to know you aren't dead! =)
Lawf ya sis and I'm sorry I haven't been calling you. Life's pretty..... interesting at the moment!
;-)Syd

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Nov. 6, 2009 - Untitled Comment

Written by dreamwalker

I read the whole thing. A lot to take in, but I'm ready for more.
*smiles and hugs Pip tightly* I've missed you. However, I understand your 'I-am-not-going-to-be-a-hermit-who-is-forever-on-the-laptop' thing.
Wow! Congratulations on finishing 'Wizard'! That is incredible that you finished it in so short a time. Please have it published so I can read it. =o)
I have quite a lot that I want to say, but the words are not coming right now. *harrumph*
I hope NaNo is going well for you. I'm praying for you sis!
Stay Strong.
~Zel...Trys

p.s. I like the name Saffron.

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