Jenerally Speaking

First Pictures!

Laura's first doctor's appointment was this morning. I swear, as dumb as this sounds, I feel like it's my baby too -only better. I get all the fun of a new baby and I get to stay skinny. So the big day is April 28, and until that day comes I vow to be insanely impatient, indulgant of all food cravings, supplier of cute maternity clothes, babysitter to the soon to be big brother, rubber of swollen feet, painter of toenails when her feet are no longer visable to her, cleaner of house when she's exhausted, and any other darn thing she might need. And I also vow that I will drop everything to eat ice cream with her at any time. (That last one will be torture, but I'll suffer through.)

So here's the gorgeous baby - which I have nicknamed The Cater Tot. Grow fast little baby! Your Aunt Jen can't WAIT to see you!!

Is it...

??????

Or...

Anticipate a contest after Thanksgiving!

12:22 PM - Sep. 6, 2007 - comments {2} - post comment

A Repeat Entry

Here's the poem I wrote last year for in honor of Labor Day - the holiday with the least amount of tribute poems in my opinion. I just felt like reposting it, so humor me, okay?

Labor Day Rules: A Rebuttal by Jen

I will wear my shoes of white

I will wear them day and night

I will wear my white capris

I will wear them when I please

My white pants?

I've got them on!

You can't tell me that it's wrong!

I will wear them in the mall

I will wear them playing ball

I will wear them to buy food

I will wear them for my mood

White is cheery, fun, and clean

Who are you to be so mean?

Holidays with fashion rules?

I think that is so uncool.

It's true that I just can't remember

I wear white right through December.

Give my addeld brain a break!

I'm wearing white, for goodness sake!!!

Happy Labor Day dear readers!!

4:37 PM - Sep. 3, 2007 - comments {2} - post comment

If You Have a Weak Stomach or You're My Mom - You Should't Read This

Ryan and I are notorious for stand offs. He's as stubborn as a mule and I'm as stubborn as two. Our particular area of weakness is nasty dishes. You would think one of us would be eager to clean up a particularly nasty plate or cup for health reasons if nothing else. But we always seem to think the other one is responsible for the icky food or beverage and should be the one to wash the dish. Examples from the past:

The Spaghetti Pot Standoff of 1997. Ryan promised to wash the dishes that night but claimed the spaghetti pot "needed to soak" overnight first. The next night the pot was still in the sink and I left it there, like a stubborn woman would, because he promised he would wash it and I thought it was a lame excuse to say a pot that had cooked pasta needed to soak. And so the vicious cycle began. Ryan left the pot in the sink every night because he thought I should give in and wash it, and I left the pot in the sink every day because I was going to make him keep his word. The stand off lasted 29 days. Until the stench was overwhelming, and even then, neither one of us would wash the pot on general principle, because whoever washed the pot was the the loser. I was prepared to never have guests over again, and knew that I would eventually get used to the smell. Finally, Ryan dumped the moldy beyond description contents of the pot off our third floor balcony. The next morning, our neighbor came to us and said she was certain something had died in the bushes judging by the horrific smell. Three days later, the bush died.

The Turkey Fat and Grease Standoff of 2004. Almost the exact same story remarkably. I made a turkey in the crock pot and the fat and yuck were left. Ryan always takes my poultry carcasses to the dumpster for me, but for whatever reason, that night he did not. And the next day I refused because that was his job. On and on it went. When company came, one of us would hide the crock pot on the dryer, and after they left one of us would pull it back out and set it defiantly on the counter. Unlike the Spaghetti Pot Standoff, however, the Crock Pot Full of Turkey Fat and Grease was never mentioned. But we both knew it was a fight to the death. I photographed it every five days for posterity's sake. On day 16, we arrived home from church and nearly wretched on the porch from the overwhelming stench. We fought in the kitchen while our two children coughed and gagged. Ryan took out Turkey Fat and Grease to the dumpster.

The Glass of Milk Standoff of 2007. Which brings us to today. Neither one of us poured this glass of milk. We think it was Will's. But it's so disgusting at this point that neither one of us wants to be responsible for it. And so it sits in it's commemorative Bugs Bunny glass (circa 1977) on our bathroom counter...and I close my eyes when I brush my teeth each night.

So why am I humiliating myself by posting this mortifying and little know fact about us? Because I wanted written and documented proof that will stand for years to come that I gave in this time and washed the milk glass. Congratulations Ryan! You have won Milkgate '07.

4:03 PM - Sep. 3, 2007 - comments {7} - post comment

In Which I Am Tested

I am used to being the giver of tests and not the receiver. It is much less pleasant. Tonight I had to take an "Integrity Test" at my new job. I felt very unprepared because I had not brought my sharpened #2 pencils or eaten a good breakfast. So I sat down with trepidation to take my first test in untold years. Lucky for me, it was given via telephone - a device I am very familiar with.

Question 1: "Please rate this statement true or false. 'I always tell the truth'. " I paused. Always? Nobody always tells the truth. The only people that would answer that "true" would be liars. But if I answered "false", did someone immediately shake their heads and say "Great. Another liar." I chose false.

Question 2: "How many times have you stolen from work?" My breath caught in my throat. "Do not count office supplies." I suppose they realized almost everyone has stolen paperclips or pens or laser printers. (And if you say you've never taken office supplies from work, I will also assume that you would answer "true" on question one.) Fortunately my workplace theft stops at office supplies, so I was able to answer "zero times".

Question 3: "Imagine you placed an order with a mail order company. When you receive your merchandise, there is an item valued at $1 in your package that you did not order or pay for. Would you go to the trouble and expense of returning the item back to the company?" Good grief, this test was hard. Would anybody do that? Really I would just be shocked that a $1 product existed. But if I answered false, would my integrity once again be called into question? Because now they knew that I did not always tell the truth and that I had used a company stapler for personal use. I chose "no".

Question 4: "How many times have you used cocaine at work or just before work?" Does anybody really think that someone who did this would admit it? Come on now. But I was glad to finally have a question that required no thought. Zero times. I felt proud. Until I remembered that people are not supposed to do cocaine at or before work. It's not like I deserved a cookie for not being a crackhead.

Question 5: "True or False - I enjoy watching people in a fist fight" Have I mentioned that I am working in a maternity store? How many fistfights have you seen break out between expectant mothers?

The test was 50 questions long. I could feel brain cells dying and falling out of my ears. But on the plus side, I passed the test and now have physical proof that I have integrity, and I got paid to sit on my butt and get blog material.

10:43 PM - Sep. 1, 2007 - comments {3} - post comment

One More Fashion Decision

I have learned very quickly the virtues of laying the boys school things out the night before. Every morning they eagerly jump out of bed and dress with lightening speed in anticipation of their day. Of course, we're only on day four of school. I'm actually looking forward to the day when the novelty wears off and I can wake them up by putting ice in the beds. The only problem is that our school district has uniforms and Brandon and Connor wear almost the same size so they were having trouble discerning who's clothes were who's. So I devised a brilliant plan that the deciding factor should be underwear. One boy was assigned boxers and the other briefs (and they have begged me not to reveal who wears what). Under the new system, they look for their underwear and know which stack of clothes is theirs.

This morning Connor came into my room looking just a little confused. "Mom?" he asked. "I can't remember if I'm the kid who is supposed to wear the long sleeved underwear or the short sleeved underwear."

3:39 PM - Aug. 30, 2007 - comments {6} - post comment

Even More Big News

My oldest two offspring are having a fantastic first week in public school.Yesterday was also a big day for me. I started my first day of work in ten years. (Scary, scary, scary!) I will be working 15 hours a week at a maternity store. This was my day yesterday.

5:30 I'm supposed to be awake...I'm not.

6:48 I'm awake!

6:48:05 Jump out of bed in full panic and frantically get dressed, get four kids dressed, make breakfast, and grab backpacks.

7:02 Leave for the train station to drop Ryan off

7:20 Drop kids off at school. Remember not to hug or kiss them in front of other kids or shout "Mama loves you!!!!" at their departing little bodies.

7:58 Arrive at home. Jump in the shower.

8:27 Laura's here!!

8:31 Try to pick out an outfit for my first day at work in ten years. Laura advises.

8:50 Sit on the bed and be nervous.

9:07 I'm on the way.

9:27 I learn how to clock in. I am officially being paid.

1:02 Leave work ready for a nap.

1:14 Tell Laura every tiny thing I hate about the job. Get the report on Will and Kate's behavior.

1:54 Leave the house, Will and Kate in tow. Get diapers at Target. Barely remember the kids need shampoo. Let Will pick it out. Anybody know what a dragon fruit is? Sure smells good.

2:40 Get in line at Connor's school. Watch vulture eat dead cat out our window. Make appropriate disgusted noises at appropriate times.

3:00 Hi Connor!

3:05 Drive to Brandon's school. No birds of prey to pass the time there.

3:12 Hi Brandon!

3:12:02 Make executive decision that we should have slurpees.

3:21 Begin thirty mile drive to the bank. Deposit check.

4:02 Get gas -$2.45! I am happy.

4:47 Arrive home. Collapse on bed.

5:00 Return phone call to pastor. Check email. Pee for possibly the first time that day.

5:17 Recollapse on bed.

5:58 Leave for train station to pick Ryan up.

6:18 Hello Ryan!

6:34 Stop at grocery store. Buy bacon, cheese, and ...something else...I remembered it at the store and that's all that matters.

6:50 Arrive at home. Start cooking dinner.

7:30 Eat six slices of bacon, four eggs, and four pieces of french toast. My first meal of the day.

7:52 Get the next day's school clothes out. Pack backpacks. Get lunch money.

8:04 Put Will, Kate, and Brandon to bed.

8:10 Help Connor with his homework.

8:47 Put Connor to bed.

8:47:04 Strongly, strongly consider going to bed.

12:07 Actually go to bed.

5:10 Alarm goes off

I have a day off work today. Except that my house has to be thoroughly cleaned because it wasn't touched yesterday...

6:35 AM - Aug. 29, 2007 - comments {6} - post comment

What I've Been Afraid To Tell You, Dear Readers

Today was a very big day at my house. I know you're imagining all manner of insanity if you've been a reader of this blog for any amount of time. But I bet you'll never come up with this one, no matter how active your imagination.

Today, two of my children started public school.

I can hear some of you gasping and one or two of you have even hit the floor. Some of you are shaking your heads so vigorously that I can feel the breeze it's creating over here. Now everybody close your mouths and sit back to read their adventure.

Connor is now enrolled in first grade under the watchful eye of Mrs. McKenzie. She is unnaturally energetic, obviously very fresh from college and raring to go. Connor is especially pleased with the frogs decorating the door. As we walked through the school, I pointed out various rooms to him -the library, the cafeteria, the computer lab. As we passed by one room with a particularly colorfully decorated entrance, Connor asked, "What's that room?"

I glanced at the sign. "That is the speech room," I informed him.

Connor, who speaks remarkably like Elmer Fudd asked, "What do they do in the 'peech room?" I'm guessing he will find out soon.

He dropped his freshly bought lunch on the floor and had to eat a pitiful prepackaged peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but other than that mishap, he had a remarkable first day and came home very proud of his new folders and full of stories to tell us.

Brandon is in fourth grade under the tutelage of Mr. Jackson. I was asked by my nine year old to drop him off at the door,which I did.Connor gave his big brother a thumbs up. "I hope you get an A plus, Brandon!" he said. We sat in the van and watched him walk away. I remembered holding him as an infant and marveled that he was this big. I turned to look at the remaining kids in the van. Will looked lost in though.

"What is it, Will?" I asked.

"Brandon's butt wiggles when he walks," he observed in fascination. I vowed never to walk in front of Will again.

At the end of the day, I asked him what the best part of his day had been. He didn't hesitate. "Lunch," he stated emphatically.

"No," I laughed. "Not lunch. Something from the "schooly" part of your day."

"Sorry Mom," he said. "Lunch was unbeatable."

I signed. "Okay, what was your least favorite part of the day?" I asked, hoping this would yield a more enlightening response.

"They served broccoli with lunch," he told me with regret. Oh well. That's a nine year old boy for you I guess. So aside from broccoli, he had an amazing day too.

Will and Kate and I had a lovely and eerily quite day coloring and making cookies and doing other very homeschoolish things. We survived very nicely...all of us.

Connor -age 6

Brandon- age 9

10:23 PM - Aug. 27, 2007 - comments {3} - post comment

I Can't Say I Blame Her

We made a quite unremarkable trip to Walmart tonight. On the way, Will asked if he was going to get anything. I told him that I was planning on buying him and Kate a new box of crayons. He nodded his head and smiled, very pleased.

Kate on the other hand, let out an ear piercing scream. "What is it?" I asked, stunned by the sudden outburst.

She stuck her lower lip out in a perfect two year old pout. "I don't want a box of clowns!"

6:56 PM - Aug. 26, 2007 - comments {6} - post comment

Happy Blogiversary!

So here it is, dear reader, a year since you and I have been together. Of course I realize most of you have not been readers of Jenerally Speaking since the beginning of it's existence. So it is for your benefit that I have compiled a list of my favorite blog post from each month over the past year so you can see where I have come on my journey as a writer, as a mama, as a homeschooler, and as a woman.

August 2006 - Now That's What I'm Talkin' About

September 2006- A Treasure I Didn't Know I Had

October 2006- Love Thy Neighbor...Really??

November 2006- Opposite Day and Other Such Annoyances

December 2006- Have a Laugh at My Expense Please

January 2007- Ryan Bakes a Cake

February 2007- In Which We Enter Another Dimension in TIme

March 2007- Humor From Howie

April 2007- In Which I Chose Beauty Over Personal Safety

May 2007- Pride Goeth Before a Fall Captured on Film

June 2007-What's That?? You're Being Drowned Out By All the Meowing!!

July 2007- Summer Lovin' - Kate and Dylan at the Pool

August 2007 -Late Night Blogging Never Ends Well

I'll confess there are a few dry months. December and July were particularly good blogging months, but I promised one from every month, so you'll have to suffer through a couple of those entries. Thank you dear readers, from the bottom of my heart for your hilarious comments, your kind words, your prayers, your encouragement, your time, and your support of this little ole blog of mine. I hope you have received some small blessing from it, though it could never equal the blessing you all have given to me.

12:08 AM - Aug. 23, 2007 - comments {3} - post comment

My Entry or Adventures in Bad Poetry Writing

Is there a person on this planet that doesn't frequent TC's blog? I'm sure you all know that she is hosting a Bad Poetry Contest on her blog with the only rule being that the name of your blog must make an appearance in your poem. I feel I must confess to winning a haiku writing contest in the 7th grade with the following entry, which has unfortunately remained fixed in my brain ever since.

Never wipe your nose

On the back of your clean hand.

It will make a mess.

You're in awe, I know. Do I have something that good left in me?? Let's find out together.

Perhaps an epic?

Long ago, there lived a lass

with tresses flaming red

she hated to fold laundry

so it piled on her bed

Till one day the pile grew so huge

'twas swaying and then creaking

And our poor lass was killed by housework...

Jenerally Speaking.

8:50 PM - Aug. 18, 2007 - comments {5} - post comment

Some Happy News!

I had to wait a few days to post, since they hadn't told their families yet, and it would've been terrible for the grandmother-to-be to read the news on my blog. I would've been denied godmother privalges for certain. But now that they've shared the news with everyone, it is my turn to shout it from the rooftops! My best friends in the whole world, Laura and Eric (as if you could read this blog more than twice and not know that) ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!

5:26 AM - Aug. 18, 2007 - comments {1} - post comment

Onions and Insults

I was chopping onions for dinner when my four year old Mr. Mischief pranced into the kitchen. His little upturned nose was even with the counter top and he leaned over slightly and inhaled deeply."Mmm, those smell good!" he exclaimed.

I smiled. "I think so too." A kindred spirit to cook with.

"Can I peel one?" he asked pleadingly.

I was just about to agree when the thought of Will touching his eyes and hysterical crying for half an hour (not part of my plan for the evening) came to mind. "No, buddy. Better not. Onions make some people's eyes burn."

"Do they burn your eyes?" he asked, more out of curiosity than concern for my well-being.

"No, they don't bother me at all," I said. But not wanting him to doubt the validity of my eye burning revelation I added, "But Brandon can't even be in the kitchen with me when I cut onions or he starts to cry."

Will sighed and rolled his eyes. "Boy, for a nine year old, Brandon sure is a big baby!"

6:54 PM - Aug. 13, 2007 - comments {7} - post comment

Take Me Out to the Ballgame - And Pass The Kleenex Cause I Laughed So Hard I'm Crying

The kids were invited to a baseball birthday party tonight which means - surprise - you will be forced to endure looking at tons of pictures.

I have decided that Brandon is not my child at all. Not only does he hate cake, but he has athletic ability! It was his first time to play baseball and he hit eight out of ten!! (And you all know if I had been batting I would've been happy to hit one.)

Connor however, is completely my kid. On his first try, he swung so hard that he fell down.

And on his second swing, his follow through was so huge that he hit himself in the back of the head with the bat. And then he ran the bases backwards...

Will tried his luck and decided it was easier to hit it like a golf ball and then drew pictures in the dirt with his bat.

But he discovered that athletes get girls.

And Kate...oh dear...

All the greats take their sippy cups with them.

But Dylan really had it all together!

And if they get extra points for being dirty and smelly, then they did amazing!

10:47 PM - Aug. 11, 2007 - comments {5} - post comment

Is It A Bad Day If This Is The Highlight Of It?

Today I found a chip that looks like Pac-Man.

8:34 PM - Aug. 10, 2007 - comments {9} - post comment

My Most Amazing Find

Tonight in a fit of boredom, I stumbled onto a website called "The Jencyclopedia". I have possibly never been so happy in my life. And my very favorite thing on there was "The Rules of Jen" which I will post for your amazement. It's just downright scary how many of these are true about me. And since there are ridiculous amounts of Jennifers/Jennys/Jens on the planet, I bet every one of you knows at least one and can thus benefit from this little gem. (And for those who know me best, which rule describes me most perfectly, in your opinion?)

Lamont's Rules of Jen

A constantly evolving set of guidelines for dealing with resplendent Jenitude on a day-to-day basis. (The gaps in the numbering are intentional and represent rules that have yet to be written, not rules that have been omitted.)

1. Jen is an exceptional person who is to be worshipped and adored at all times

2. Jen is always special

3. Jen is frequently up to something

4. Jen can usually get away with it.

5. If your relationship with Jen fails, it is your fault.

6. (The Jennocious Tenet of Remote Control Ownership) If Jen wants to watch a particular movie or TV show, she will. Even if it clashes with The Game. You may, however, purchase and fit new batteries in the remote.

7. There is no rule 7

8. Jen isn’t easily fooled. She has Her own reasons for letting you think you’ve pulled one over on Her, which will only become clear when it is advantageous for Her so to do.

9. (The Srey Maxim) Jen does not like being kept waiting.

10. If and when she so desires, Jen is to be cuddled and comforted without question or hesitation.

11. Thou shalt not taunt Jen, lest ye be consigned to the fifth circle of hell-dating where the women are all named after department stores.

12. Jen is always right, especially when she isn’t.

13. Jen does not procrastinate; she waits until the time is right.

14. (The Goldfinch Guideline) Dating Jen is a commitment to a lifetime spent worshipping the wonder that is Her, even if you never see her again (see also #5).

15. Jen will cross the road when and where she wants, which may be before or after everyone else.

16 . (The Jezzie Precept) For the duration of your relationship or acquaintance with Jen these Rules (and any personal supplements) will render null and void any or all of your own rules, at her discretion.

19. Jen can always read maps perfectly. You, however, can’t follow her clear, precise directions, no matter how many milliseconds she give you before screaming “Left! Left!” as you pass the turning.

20. The last piece of candy, brownie, popcorn, soda, slice of pizza, breadstick or spoonful of ice cream belongs to Jen.

21. Jen always looks beautiful.

22. Whatever Jen has to say is worth listening to.

23. (The Powroz Principle) The subject changes when Jen says so.

24. However Jen want to pronounce or spell her name is the correct way.

25. Jen is a tidy eater. That piece of food on the restaurant floor fell off your fork. If it’s something only Jen ordered, you must have picked at her plate while she wasn’t looking…

26. (Corollary to #20 and #25) Jen does not like people picking at her plate while she isn’t looking.

27. Jen should not be expected to work on her birthday.

28. (The Stevens Sutra, addendum to rule #27) Jen’s birthday is a holiday, and should be treated as such, even if it means taking the day off, calling in sick, or cancelling other plans to be with her.

31. Jen is exceedingly clever.

31. Jen doesn’t like seeing two rules with the same number.

32. Jen always has the last word. Anything you might say after that is the start of a new discussion/argument.

33. As soon as your relationship with Jen starts she has the right to borrow your clothes, especially comfy sweatshirts, sweaters and t-shirts, but (being kind and considerate) she’ll probably let you keep your fifteen-year-old “lucky” underpants all to yourself…

35. Jen always does things her way. Don’t ask.

36. Jen knows what information you need to know about Jen.

37. Addendum to #36) There is always more to Jen than she is letting on.

38. (Greg’s Theory of Jeneral Relativity) If you are behind Jen, you are walking too slowly; if you are in front of Jen you are walking too fast.

39. If and when Jen makes an appearance, consider it a gift.

40. Only Jen decides if the temperature is right for opening the window.

41. Any poetry by Jen is good poetry.

43. Withhold Jen’s chocolate at your peril.

50. Jen does not like having any sort of camera pointed at her without permission. Carefully consider rule #8 before attempting a rule #21 defence.

51. (Corollary to #12 and #19) Jen always knows where she’s going, even if nobody else does.

52. Jen always knows what she’s talking about, even if nobody else does.

53. Jen does not like having to make decisions.

54. (Addendum to #53) Jen’s decisions (when made) and opinions are always valid (See also Rule #12).

55. Withhold Jen’s chocolate at your peril. (Yes, we know that’s the same as Rule #43, but it’s VERY important to remember this…)

61. Jen is sometimes inclined to wisecracking or being a smart alec. It’s cute.

10:39 PM - Aug. 6, 2007 - comments {4} - post comment

Late Night Blogging Never Ends Well

Well, it's been a few days since I've written anything, and I'm feeling bad about it. But honestly, nothing interesting has happened around here. So I decided to head over to Writer's Digest's website to take a look at their writing prompts, hoping to find some inspiration. Instead I found a huge amount of laughs. It could just be due to the astonishing lack of sleep I've had this month...or some of these might actually still be funny in the morning. You be the judge.

Writer's Digest Prompt: It's your first time back to the grocery since the manager, in a not-so-kind manner, told you never to bring your kids into his store again. You're secretly relieved to have to leave them home with your spouse. Thirty minutes later, you return home--without groceries. Egg yolk is dripping from your hair, chocolate syrup is smeared across your shirt, and smashed produce is sticking to your shoes. What happened?