Homeschool Daddy - Marriage with Grace and Honor

Homeschool Daddy

Feb. 2, 2009

Marriage with Grace and Honor

I heard an excellent edition of Focus on the Family's daily radio broadcast today, featuring an interview with Gary Smalley. Here's a link to the full broadcast: http://listen.family.org/daily/A000001763.cfm

Gary talked about the metaphor of the unity candle ... a common symbol at weddings where the bride and groom take individual candles, together light a single candle representing their new life together, and extinguish their individual candles. What kills so many marriages in the first seven years, he said, is that the spouses keep the "I' and "me" attitude rather than the "we" attitude of the unity candle.

After more than 14 years of marriage, it's amazing how much "I" and "me" exists in my own attitude. Such self-centeredness!

Gary mentioned four "germs" that destroy marriage unity and intimacy, according to work by Dr. Howard Markman & Dr. Scott Stanley:

Withdrawal during an argument. I don't think I do this.
Escalating during an argument. I don't think I do this, either.
Belittling each other during an argument. I don't do this on purpose, but my human inclination to want to feel smart and to be right and to win an argument apparently causes belittling results, because Erin often complains that I treat her like she's stupid. Smalley says this is a very destructive pattern, the worst of the four germs.
Having exaggerated or false beliefs about your mate during an argument. Smalley says his son (who likewise is a marriage counselor) maintains THIS is the worst of the four germs. An analogy is when you are shopping for a certain type of car, you tend to notice that type of car every where you go ... it's surprising how many cars like that are around! In the same way, when you think your spouse has a certain fault, you tend to think they are acting that way all the time. I am sure this infects marriages more often than just during arguments.

Gary also mentioned three "vaccines," which I found most promising:

Maintaining a list of the things that make your spouse valuable. Write this up and add to it over time. Look at it during the tough times. Share these points with your spouse often. Gary says this has been scientifically proven to strengthen marriages.
Practice LUV ... Listen, Understand, Validate. I found his analogy very helpful, and I think it will help me remember this principle ... when you go to a fast food drive through, they say, "Welcome to McD's; can I take your order (communicates respect/honor)?" Then they repeat your order to make sure they got it right (and they don't comment on whether it's a good order).
Spend 20 minutes a day focusing on meeting your spouse's most important need. He says this is scientifically proven, too. As examples, Gary's wife's greatest need is to have an organized home and life; his greatest need is to talk and have fun with people. I found this very challenging, because I don't know my own greatest need, I don't know Erin's greatest need, and I don't know if she knows her greatest need, either. I understand that with many wives, their greatest need is to be assured that their husband loves them and finds them valuable. I definitely love Erin and find her extremely valuable, so it should be a no-brainer to spend 20 minutes a day figuring out how to continually prove this to her. (I guess what makes me nervous here is that the answer will be that to prove this, I will have to do something that I both dislike and don't get much "credit" for, like more home maintenance/improvement/cleaning. Some years ago, I asked Erin what she would change about me if she could, and her answer was that I would lift weights. So ever since, with modest consistency, I have been lifting weights. It seemed to me that very quickly, she viewed my weightlifting as something I want to do with my time ... i.e., a self-centered use of my time that takes away from time that builds our family or earns money. To be sure, it is good for my health, and she often "oohs" over my muscles (which of course is music to my ears), so I'm not complaining. But the point is that I'm trying to express love to her, and it seems to have long stopped serving that purpose. I would love to spend 20 minutes a day really making her feel loved; I do not want to add a 20-minute something to my daily schedule that just becomes an expectation.) All in all, Gary's items 1 and 2 seem like a much easier place to start than #3.

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About Me

Journal of a father very interested in seeing his four children walk in truth. While my wonderful wife is our school's main teacher and curriculum planner, my role is critical as well ... so I'm always interested in learning and sharing with other homeschool parents. I own a small consulting firm (see www.blackwater-consulting.com) that I love because the work is interesting and I get to work from home.